TwoSistersLeft

Hello,

I'm new to the board. I'm happy to have found it because I don't feel that I'm dealing very well with my situation.

I did read quite a few other sibling stories, but they are all a bit different from mine in the sense that I see parents in most of them.

My sister is 13 years older than I, and she was like a second mom to me growing up. She was my hero as a little girl. By the time I was 28 I realized that she wasn't perfect and we started to fight and drift apart. She acted very strange and I didn't understand why.

My immediate family consisted of mom, dad, sister, brother (11 years older than me) and myself. We were very close and have a very large extended family. My brother and sister were my dad's step children and when they were younger, he abused them (sexually and emotionally). They both have had problems because of this. My sister drank a lot, did cocaine and then eventually prescription pain meds. My brother was an alcoholic most of his life and was always depressed and withdrawn. They never knew their real father.

My dad was mean to my mom as well. I managed to escape that treatment, luckily. But I watched my whole family suffer.

Things went down hill when we found out my sister was taking Vicoden. A LOT of Vicoden. She went through detox and rehab about 3 times. Then my mom got sick.

Mom had stage 4 cancer and she moved in with my sister because my dad was not able to care for her. My sister was taking my moms pain meds (Fentanyl and morphine) while she was dying. After she passed, my sister went through detox and rehab again. I didn't speak to my sister or my dad for 3 years because I couldn't deal with the anger or the drama anymore.

We did reconcile about 3 years ago. My father passed away from cancer 2 years ago. Then a year ago, my brother committed suicide.

While this is a lot for any family, my sister is still not handling any of it well. I have decided to move on and be happy for the short time I'm here (with my husband and 3 stepsons.) I moved from PA to Texas a year and a half ago because I can't stand to watch her deteriorate. She has become almost child-like in her speech, and doesn't make a lot of sense. I think the drugs have really affected her brain and completely changed her forever. She forgets everything and makes excuses for everything. She won't visit me, and is never available when I go back home.

While I know that I'm not responsible for her and can't do anything to help her, she is the only family I have left of the 5 of us. My heart aches because speaking to her is so difficult and I want to but I also don't want to. I'm conflicted, sad and I don't want to let her go too, but I can't stand being around her. I just want to know if anyone has had trouble letting go? Should I make an effort to keep in touch and just accept her as she is? or am I justified in keeping the distance even though my heart is breaking?

sadsister62

My adult alcoholic sister is child-like, too,and she is 48 years old. 30 years of heavy drinking has done much to distort her reality. My mom passed 2 months ago, my sister was living with my parents, Mom couldn't let her go. The week before my mom died, my AS decided to go to detox, after pushing around her daughter who wouldn't let her drive drunk. It was pretty awful, much extended family witnessing the show-down. I brought her to detox, and then she was in a sober-living home where she got kicked out for smoking pot. She somehow ended up in a motel where she broke a window trying to get back in after locking her key in the room. The daughter she pushed around located ANOTHER treatment facility which my dad payed for AGAIN, and then just yesterday moved into another sober living home. The daughter and my other sister brought her some of her belongings and AS was complaining that she had to wait for my niece to move her in. So sorry, we all have jobs and families that appreciate us some of the time. I don't have contact with her any more, I swear I was an inch away from a nervous breakdown dealing with my mom's dying and her uncontrollable drinking. I find I can't function well when I obsess about her, and I believe that a relationship with her is and always be to her own benefit and no one else's. She would never do for me what I or the rest of my family has done for her. The daughter is hurt yet again by her mother's verbal abuse and selfishness. I choose to put my own mental health and her 2 daughters' first and foremost. The rollercoaster of emotions is just too much. It is to her and my benefit that I remain no contact. She shows no gratitude to anyone and I think that she will fail this attempt at sobriety, as she just keeps blaming every thing for her situation.. Asher daughter said, " at least she's in the city now, so when she becomes homeless, there are shelters"

sadsister62

Hard to let go? Hell yeah, but even harder to hang on!!!!

TwoSistersLeft

I'm so sorry about your mom. Dealing with the loss of a parent is hard enough without all that other drama. I feel like I never really got to grieve my mother because of dealing with the rest of the family too.

I know addiction is an illness, and that they struggle and sometimes just can't help themselves. I also know that it's not my problem. I know my sister is just weak, she has fought her whole life to be strong for my mom, and to live with my dad who treated her horribly. And now she's tired of fighting. I think I just make myself feel bad for not being there for her when she's suffering too.

My sister does not do all the crazy things you mentioned sadsister62. That would be even harder. Or maybe it would be easier to just let go. I don't know. My sister was always trying to take care of other people. She used to be so fun. When she changed she started getting really bossy, even though I had grown up. So if she used to be good and became what she is now due to circumstanced beyond her control, maybe that's why I feel guilty, like I'm not being there for her now. Ugh.

Refiner

Hi and welcome, TwoSistersLeft! That is very sad - the reasons that brought you here. You miss the sister YOU ONCE HAD. I'm sorry she's deteriorated this much and although there's hope, it's so doubtful they bounce back when this far gone. In my small immediate family, I only have one brother and one sister left. My sister is an NPD AS. She treats people HORRIBLY and is awful, nasty, mean and SELFISH. The way she acted when my Mom was dying was DEPLORABLE. After my Mom died, there was really no reason to put up with her sh*t anymore and I finally went NC. She drank herself into a coma a couple of years ago and was put on life support. For 5 dies in a coma and the doctors said it's very likely she may wake up and be a totally different person with a different personality. That actually gave me some HOPE! She was so nasty to begin with, perhaps she'd come back a nicer person? But nope... now she's just a dull, dumbed down version of her nasty self. It really does change who they are and you usually can't get the brain activity back. Be content with your friends and your newer family. Be there for her if you'd like, but it's doubtful things will ever be like they used to be, I'm very sorry to say.