Yet another newbie
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Yet another newbie
Hello all!
I am so grateful to have found this forum tonight! I did attend Al-Anon meetings for about a year, from 1995-1996. I am married to an A, but, he has been in recovery since 1996. Another thing to be thankful for. So, how come I feel so lousy?
I am returning to this program because I have hit bottom. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 10 years, and have done a lot of good work on myself. Yet, I am still stuck in a place where my husband feels that I am never happy, and will never be happy. My response is that I can not be happy if I have anyone around me who is unhappy, then I feel that I don't deserve to be happy unless everyone around me is happy at the same time. That is never going to happen though, is it?
I am 30 years old, with a husband I have known for 16 years, and three children, all with special needs, one severely disabled.
I am desperately trying to find a way to find myself. I have no preferences, no likes or dislikes, nothing unique about myself. I have completely given all that up to make myself compliant to the people around me, and, as I said, I am never happy.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to be happy even if my kids are having their third meltdowns of the day, I want to be able to smile and feel goodness and help them through it. Right now, if anyone suffers near me, than I feel the same pain. I can't do that anymore. I need to set a good example for my kids, I need to have a life before too much more time passes.
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there? I am hopeful that this will be a place for me to feel some sense of the peace that I used to feel when I went to Al-Anon meetings, I already feel a little bit of that just lurking here today. It has been a long time since I felt that.
I will dust off my Courage to Change book, and the other one from Al-Anon, (it has been so long, I don't remember what it was called, that is awful, isn't it?)
Thank you all for the warmth and bravery that you have offered on this site.
I am so grateful to have found this forum tonight! I did attend Al-Anon meetings for about a year, from 1995-1996. I am married to an A, but, he has been in recovery since 1996. Another thing to be thankful for. So, how come I feel so lousy?
I am returning to this program because I have hit bottom. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 10 years, and have done a lot of good work on myself. Yet, I am still stuck in a place where my husband feels that I am never happy, and will never be happy. My response is that I can not be happy if I have anyone around me who is unhappy, then I feel that I don't deserve to be happy unless everyone around me is happy at the same time. That is never going to happen though, is it?
I am 30 years old, with a husband I have known for 16 years, and three children, all with special needs, one severely disabled.
I am desperately trying to find a way to find myself. I have no preferences, no likes or dislikes, nothing unique about myself. I have completely given all that up to make myself compliant to the people around me, and, as I said, I am never happy.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to be happy even if my kids are having their third meltdowns of the day, I want to be able to smile and feel goodness and help them through it. Right now, if anyone suffers near me, than I feel the same pain. I can't do that anymore. I need to set a good example for my kids, I need to have a life before too much more time passes.
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there? I am hopeful that this will be a place for me to feel some sense of the peace that I used to feel when I went to Al-Anon meetings, I already feel a little bit of that just lurking here today. It has been a long time since I felt that.
I will dust off my Courage to Change book, and the other one from Al-Anon, (it has been so long, I don't remember what it was called, that is awful, isn't it?)
Thank you all for the warmth and bravery that you have offered on this site.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI ShellyH!!!!
Welcome to the forum!
It's great that you've decided to go back to alanon. You deserve to feel like a whole person.
I am interested in what you said about "no likes or dislikes" and "nothing special" about yourself. Can that be?? Come, come... you must have some likes and dislikes and WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU FIND THEM. Today is discover Shelly day! We'll start simply. Okay, I'm going to list some things. If you go "mmm" you LIKE it and if you go "gross" "ugh" or "pew" you don't.
coffee, potholes, blizzards (snow) blizzards (ice cream), spiders, Osama bin Laden, celery, Mickey Mouse, purple, Pepe le Pew, other skunks, The Godfather, cats, plaid, cinnamon, deadlines, 12 cars ahead of you in the bank drive-thru, daffodils, waterfalls, frogs, Mel Gibson, oatmeal, hot air hand-dryers, parades, helium balloons, the Maytag repairman, Woody Allen, spiral notebooks.
So? Did we get any oohs or ughs? Tell me about your oohs and then I can harass you about preferences!
Gang! Wanna tell Shelly things you like and dislike so she can discover that she has taste, too?
I'll bet you're UNIQUE too. Think about it. Perhaps the peanut gallery will also share some of the ways they find themselves unique, so you'll have something to hang your hat on.
Great to have you with us Shelly!
Smoke
Welcome to the forum!
It's great that you've decided to go back to alanon. You deserve to feel like a whole person.
I am interested in what you said about "no likes or dislikes" and "nothing special" about yourself. Can that be?? Come, come... you must have some likes and dislikes and WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU FIND THEM. Today is discover Shelly day! We'll start simply. Okay, I'm going to list some things. If you go "mmm" you LIKE it and if you go "gross" "ugh" or "pew" you don't.
coffee, potholes, blizzards (snow) blizzards (ice cream), spiders, Osama bin Laden, celery, Mickey Mouse, purple, Pepe le Pew, other skunks, The Godfather, cats, plaid, cinnamon, deadlines, 12 cars ahead of you in the bank drive-thru, daffodils, waterfalls, frogs, Mel Gibson, oatmeal, hot air hand-dryers, parades, helium balloons, the Maytag repairman, Woody Allen, spiral notebooks.
So? Did we get any oohs or ughs? Tell me about your oohs and then I can harass you about preferences!
Gang! Wanna tell Shelly things you like and dislike so she can discover that she has taste, too?
I'll bet you're UNIQUE too. Think about it. Perhaps the peanut gallery will also share some of the ways they find themselves unique, so you'll have something to hang your hat on.
Great to have you with us Shelly!
Smoke
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I love it, Smoke! Maybe it was tongue in cheek, but your assignment of "oohs" and "gags" was so simple, it was brilliant. That old catch phrase "Keep it simple" was always so elusive to me!
I have a toddler here begging for bed, but I will check out the list later and get back to you on some of my "oohs" and "gags"!
Thanks a bunch for your wonderful welcome!
I have a toddler here begging for bed, but I will check out the list later and get back to you on some of my "oohs" and "gags"!
Thanks a bunch for your wonderful welcome!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Okay... we got Likes!
Now on to Preferences!
Mel Gibson... in Patriot , Gallipoli, Conspiracy Theory or Bird on a Wire? other?
Blizzards with M'n'Ms or Oreos? other?
Spiral Notebooks... wide rule or narrow? other?
Purple... on a car or on an eggplant? other?
Pepe le Pew... with or without his beret? other?
Let me know... I'll then begin to point out your uniqueness!
Luv,
Smoke
Now on to Preferences!
Mel Gibson... in Patriot , Gallipoli, Conspiracy Theory or Bird on a Wire? other?
Blizzards with M'n'Ms or Oreos? other?
Spiral Notebooks... wide rule or narrow? other?
Purple... on a car or on an eggplant? other?
Pepe le Pew... with or without his beret? other?
Let me know... I'll then begin to point out your uniqueness!
Luv,
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 12
Shelly~~
Welcome, welcome, and welcome here. So glad to have you. I am certain you will be able to find your laughter again if you just keep at it...Al-anon can still provide you all the love support, and help you may need to find yourself. So haul yourself up and try to get back at it..just for you..isn't that just lucious, that little phrase, just for you... It has probably just been so long since you bothered to think about what you want and like that you forgot to think of it..How bout a nice, hot, candle lit tub at the end of the day to just sit and think about all the wonderful things that have happened to you today???? Lock the door, if they just won't get to sleep, have your hubby help, go get your hair or nails done, get a massage...Take some time to get back in touch with yourself, and by all means HAVE FUN. There is no rule that says it isn't allowed. You just have to make the decision to have fun, it is even allowable to fake it til it is real!!! You are a wonderful, thoughtful, caring person...Oh and I just LOVE chocolate hot fudge sundaes..YUMMY...
As always~
The Wife
Welcome, welcome, and welcome here. So glad to have you. I am certain you will be able to find your laughter again if you just keep at it...Al-anon can still provide you all the love support, and help you may need to find yourself. So haul yourself up and try to get back at it..just for you..isn't that just lucious, that little phrase, just for you... It has probably just been so long since you bothered to think about what you want and like that you forgot to think of it..How bout a nice, hot, candle lit tub at the end of the day to just sit and think about all the wonderful things that have happened to you today???? Lock the door, if they just won't get to sleep, have your hubby help, go get your hair or nails done, get a massage...Take some time to get back in touch with yourself, and by all means HAVE FUN. There is no rule that says it isn't allowed. You just have to make the decision to have fun, it is even allowable to fake it til it is real!!! You are a wonderful, thoughtful, caring person...Oh and I just LOVE chocolate hot fudge sundaes..YUMMY...
As always~
The Wife
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Smoke & wife! (Ha Ha, bet you never were paired up quite like that before....)
You asked for it, you got it....
Mel Gibson... in anything, please! Patriot is a favorite though.
Spiral notebooks- gotta be narrow "college" ruled
blizzards- with Snickers in them, preferably.
Pepe le peu- I just love his broken English
I wish there were words that would explain how much your warmth and acceptance have meant to me these last couple of days. I have not had a lot of unconditional love lately.
'Course, I am a little uncomfortable about all these postings being about me, but, that is what I am here to fix, right?
I hope I can do as much to help you someday.
Shelly
You asked for it, you got it....
Mel Gibson... in anything, please! Patriot is a favorite though.
Spiral notebooks- gotta be narrow "college" ruled
blizzards- with Snickers in them, preferably.
Pepe le peu- I just love his broken English
I wish there were words that would explain how much your warmth and acceptance have meant to me these last couple of days. I have not had a lot of unconditional love lately.
'Course, I am a little uncomfortable about all these postings being about me, but, that is what I am here to fix, right?
I hope I can do as much to help you someday.
Shelly
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Shelly!
Okay... Just look at all the things we've found out about you!
You have a sweet tooth.
You are a person who enjoys complexity. (Purple , snickers, Patriot.)
You have a sense of adventure and are curious about remote places and events. (Patriot, Foreign accents)
You desire order an precision. (narrow ruled spiral notebooks and the careful way you write.)
You are empathic and compassionate. (Things you said in each post.)
You are not used to being the center of attention... but it intrigues you. (ditto)
You write very well. (ditto)
You see of course, how this is all adding up to a unique individual with definite tastes????
Keep thinking about YOU! Maybe this will help you start focusing... but after awhile, those few things I wrote about you will PALE next to the volumes you will be able to write in your purple, narrow college ruled spiral notebook!
And please.... share your discoveries with us!
Hugs,
Smoke
Okay... Just look at all the things we've found out about you!
You have a sweet tooth.
You are a person who enjoys complexity. (Purple , snickers, Patriot.)
You have a sense of adventure and are curious about remote places and events. (Patriot, Foreign accents)
You desire order an precision. (narrow ruled spiral notebooks and the careful way you write.)
You are empathic and compassionate. (Things you said in each post.)
You are not used to being the center of attention... but it intrigues you. (ditto)
You write very well. (ditto)
You see of course, how this is all adding up to a unique individual with definite tastes????
Keep thinking about YOU! Maybe this will help you start focusing... but after awhile, those few things I wrote about you will PALE next to the volumes you will be able to write in your purple, narrow college ruled spiral notebook!
And please.... share your discoveries with us!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thanks for all the help, Smoke! It is amazing that you got all that out of those little answers, because you were pretty right about me. You must have a crystal ball!
Thanks a lot!
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What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???
Thanks a lot!
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What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 12
Shelly~
Just wanted to clarify that smoke may not have a crystal ball, but she DOES have skillets, cleats, all kinds of neat little and big things to use in times of need. .Just ask if you need one or two or five hundred and you can have them too!!! LOL. It was easy to see that you are indeed all of the things that smoke said about you because as she said, we just looked...Take a big look at you, you will see those things too, and don't even try to deny!!!
Just accept that you are a valuable asset to this planet, and go forward.. I just want to tell you that I am glad you are here, and to keep coming back. We don't get this way overnight and we have to work slowly to come out of it, but it is possible, as many of us are evidence of. So you have started, just keep going. To truly love others we have to learn to love and accept ourselves first, so good luck and keep coming here!!! Have a wonderful weekend. Eat some ice cream, I know I will (even if I am cheating on my diet, but shhhh we won't tell)!! LOL
As always~
The Wife
Just wanted to clarify that smoke may not have a crystal ball, but she DOES have skillets, cleats, all kinds of neat little and big things to use in times of need. .Just ask if you need one or two or five hundred and you can have them too!!! LOL. It was easy to see that you are indeed all of the things that smoke said about you because as she said, we just looked...Take a big look at you, you will see those things too, and don't even try to deny!!!
Just accept that you are a valuable asset to this planet, and go forward.. I just want to tell you that I am glad you are here, and to keep coming back. We don't get this way overnight and we have to work slowly to come out of it, but it is possible, as many of us are evidence of. So you have started, just keep going. To truly love others we have to learn to love and accept ourselves first, so good luck and keep coming here!!! Have a wonderful weekend. Eat some ice cream, I know I will (even if I am cheating on my diet, but shhhh we won't tell)!! LOLAs always~
The Wife
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Wife-
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, they really are helping... I am feeling better day by day, even in the face of many things to bring me down.
Hope I can return the favor someday-
By the way, what is a cleat? I am having an airhead moment, I guess... I can't tell if it is a program term, or something basic that everyone should know....
------------------
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, they really are helping... I am feeling better day by day, even in the face of many things to bring me down.
Hope I can return the favor someday-
By the way, what is a cleat? I am having an airhead moment, I guess... I can't tell if it is a program term, or something basic that everyone should know....
------------------
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Good Morning Shelly!
Cleats are those spikey shoes football players wear. Wife is referring to a series of rowdy jokes we got into over on the naranon page. C'mon over and visit, if you haven't read any of the posts there yet. Always room for any anon!
Smoke
Cleats are those spikey shoes football players wear. Wife is referring to a series of rowdy jokes we got into over on the naranon page. C'mon over and visit, if you haven't read any of the posts there yet. Always room for any anon!
Smoke
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