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Old 03-11-2002, 09:21 AM
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For the anon analysis panel... that's you.

I won't tell you who said this to me, but his first initial is Jon. Anyway, this secret person said he had heard someone say that "an anon's worst fear is that the addict will recover without them." Actually, there was a post about this subject once before... but nobody pursued it, except me. At the time I said I thought I had been guilty of that. I still think so. However, for me, it wore off. By the time Dino left here, he HAD to leave here, or someone was going to get hurt. I was beyond caring if he got well or not at that point. He could have gone to the devil or become one with Brahma, as long as he was out of my site.

So, just curious. Is this a fear you've had... and if so... was it your worst fear?

Smoke
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Old 03-11-2002, 09:34 AM
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actually smoke..
i recall discussing this one also..

its a big one.

we often fret over the "what if i leave and they die" thing....
and it was jon who pointed out to me also that a bigger one is the "what if they get well without me" thing.

a light definately went off in my head when i considered that one.
i think this is really the fear that keeps us locked in place.
its a matter of pride really..
once you have invested as much of your heart and soul and energy and spirit into something as we do into our addicts...it's natural to not want to "release them" int o someone elses care..
someone who might "take the credit" for all the hard work and sacrificing that YOU have done.

it's not a healthy way to think, no..
but who said we were completely healthy minded people?
its something i still struggle with.
i think that conciously i'm worried about what will happen to him and if he could be alright without me..
but i have to admit..that the flipside of that WORRY is :
"wait a minute--what if he IS alright without me!?"

i think we really really dont want to find out that we've been "wrong" this whole time, not that its a matter of right or worng--but it would seem that way if we let someone go and then they got well.

it's a toughie..
but it hink that's one of the things WE have to admit to ourselves before we can get well.

~m~

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Old 03-11-2002, 09:53 AM
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Ok,Ok,Ok, here I go......
This is a topic I have talked about with myself many many times here lately, and with my situation, there (to my knowledge) was never another "girlie" in the picture until recently. And that thought, "Well what if they get better with them, or what if he really is ok without me??" Has crossed my mind lots! And I try to deal with that the best way I can, I think well damn it, all my work and stuff should MEAN SOMETHING!!! When really and truly it does not mean anything. It is a scary thought to "us", anoners, and co-dependents, thats who its scary to. If I could find a way to not think like that, I would. I would in a HEARTBEAT. Very interesting topic.
Love,
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Old 03-11-2002, 10:13 AM
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Okay, just had to get in on this. Smoke, I am with you on the safety issue. He had to leave for his own safety or lock up my frying pans, but he WAS and IS still my friend. I care deeply for him and always will. I would give ANYTHING to see him clean up and live life. That is why I booted him. He has to hit that rock bottom and I was not going to let him take me and the kids with him any longer. I guess I still believe we could possibly get back together if he were clean. Heck anything is possible. If in the mean time he finds someone or gets clean without me I would be ecstatic. I pray he cleans up all the time just for his health, but right now I really need this time to myself.
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Old 03-11-2002, 10:24 AM
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It is estimated that each alcoholic adversely affects four other persons. Most commonly, those persons are his or her own family members. Since there are over 12 million alcoholis in the United States, there are approximately 48 million additional victims of alcoholism. This includes 20 million adults who have grown up in alcoholic families and over 7 million children awho are still being raised in alcholic families. Million more are in families of those hooked on other drugs.
Recognizing the problems that the whole family/significant others can have because of drug abuse, and getting help for the entire family, not just the user, is crucial to successful treatment.

Living in the family of the drug or alcohol user is like being on the wrong side of a two headed coin - you can never win. Or as one friend recently stated: It's like a constant Good Friday and Easter. Death and Resurection, Death and Resurection.

I believe it was Pernell who recently posted the "Roles In The Substance Abuse Family" If he didn't, let me know and I'll post the Chart I have.

The bottom line is, the fear that wives/husbands/significant others have concerning their "A" getting well with-out them is a real, obsessive, debilitating emotion.

Those who experience this should seek help immediately.

------------------
The storms of our life prove the strength of our anchor.
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Old 03-11-2002, 01:33 PM
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Great topics today:
No,I can't say that was ever a fear of mine.
When I realized what was happening I just wanted to get past the pain & hurt & get away from him. He got strung out without me & I wouldn't have any problms with him sobering up without me either. I think my biggest issue was accepting that my Friend was dead.
I knew him since 15 yrs old & REALITY was HORRIFIC! He was gone forever & even soberiety can never return him. I was in love with who he USED to be & the lessons of addiction & truth of it all was my greatest challenge.
I wouldn't care if a Hairy elf leads him to the path of recovery; I would be elated for someone to tell me he was sober,happy,alive.
Gold is best!
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Old 03-11-2002, 05:48 PM
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Yes - i suffered from that fear - i call it the what if syndrom.... but i then realized that it was ruining my life.... i was using the excuse of what if to become a control freak and not taking care of my life....

no more - i will deal with whatever happens when it happens and not before - i will not let fear into my life - if i did - i would be crushed by now......

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