temlin3

Hello everyone.

My issues with addiction started at age 13. First cigarettes, then marijuana, then mushrooms, then ecstasy, then cocaine, etc. The marijuana was the only substance I really had a serious problem with. (Although I may have had problems with the rest too if I had the cash in college.)

I ended up smoking cigarettes and marijuana every day for about 10 years. Everyone I ever hung out with was a pothead too, so it never occurred to me that it was so bad. I hid it from my family — smoking a bowl out the window next to my brother's and mother's bedrooms! It's hard to describe yourself when you are high all the time, but I know I was very aloof, irritable and moody when I didn't have any pot, dazed, unmotivated, tired, out of touch with anyone I didn't live with, etc.

Last May, after a huge move from PA to FL, I met someone. He had never done a single drug in his life, and I could not imagine that it was possible. He went out of town, and I decided to quit smoking — both cigarettes and marijuana — cold turkey. This guy had not asked me o give up anything; I did it on my own. I couldn't stand the idea that I couldn't help my behavior anymore. The cigarettes and pot were controlling me. For a long time I knew I didn't want to keep smoking these things forever, but I could never get up enough motivation to follow through and get started. That is the hardest part, starting. But I did stop, instantly, one random Thursday night when I lived alone in an apartment. The guy was even out of town, so there was no one there but me. And I actually flushed $100 of high-grade weed into my toilet. (I never, ever thought I would be capable of that!)

Almost immediately after I quit smoking pot, my emotions and behavior got out of control. It wasn't a physical addiction (that's been proven to not exist with marijuana I'm pretty sure), but it was a mental addiction. I had rituals and compulsions about everything I did with my marijuana — from where/how I kept it to when I was going to smoke it next to where I was going to get the next bag from... and on and on. If I had pot, I was smoking it. Every single day, whenever I was home (or not at home) and there was no one in objection to it, there I was, high as a kite. When I first quit, I'd come home from work and sit there, wondering what I was supposed to do. This was about the time I gave up control and saw a psychiatrist for the first time. It turns out that I have several psychological diagnoses... Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Recurrent Severe Depression.

So wow, what a year. I have been doing so good up until recently. My psych meds are stable (for now), so the above-mentioned disorders are way under control. I also still have not touched marijuana at all, which is almost a shock to me! But I am so proud of that achievement because of how I abused it in the past. But here is my new problem... I have found something "new" to abuse. I have been abusing my roommate's Adderall... in a bad way (snorting).

So I have had this "revelation": I was and am not addicted to pot or any specific drug. I am addicted to getting messed up, escaping, doing anything besides dealing with my life and its struggles. And my mind does not help at all with this. I have been surrounded by people who don't think twice about doing drugs, and yet I know inside it is wrong. In fact, it makes my life worse! I can stop taking his Adderall (when I know it is close to refill time...) but then as soon as he has a lot I go for it again. I don't understand it. My mind changes every day, in different or the same circumstances, and it is so difficult to believe in myself when I am that inconsistent. Some times I wonder... am I just that selfish and lazy that I do what I want to when I want to do it? I don't feel like that, and I never mean to hurt people, but why else am I like this?

I have found some churches nearby I'm going to try out, and I also decided to go to some NA meetings around my area. I know that I cannot do this alone, and my significant other has absolutely no real-life experience to help me with. I have somehow lost many friends along the way as well... most likely due to my addictions and mind (mental issues) taking precedence over everything. I am really hoping that I will find or at least meet some people who struggle in similar ways. I think "escapism" is probably a common thing for addicts... ?

OK, I am done rambling. Just a quick overview on me. There is so much more but I think I got the main idea across.

I would appreciate any type of feedback at this point... and I would absolutely LOVE some advice on how to get some positive support systems going on in my life.

Thanks so much for listening. It felt great just to type all of that and get it out.

Here's to getting healthy and moving toward our personal goals!

Jennifer

"Everything you can imagine is real." — Pablo Picasso

best

Welcome to SR.

Addiction or not...You did good. Congratulations on the choices.

Arura

welcome to SR, i've only been on a few days
and have found a wealth of support...
good luck.....

Live

Welcome....please make yourself at home, read around, post. Others will be along soon.....wiser than I and with more experience...
live

Rusty Zipper

"Escapism" ! ha, hey Jen, a little secret theres a few of us with that same problem around here. lol ... Jen, welcome to the world of recovery, sober that is... Jen, wonder around the site... you might see mention of turning liabillities into assets... life copeing , ha, thats what its all about... Jen, there are many, many soultions... ie; religon's, spiritual groups, inspirational groups, self-help books, recoverry groups, Oprah,... lol!... sorry Oprah, and a ga-zillion more... Jen, one thing i have found all have in common in one way or form... " a Belief in something {not aderall, knock it off}, Honesty, and Giveing... so Jen, go on your journey to wellness, you can do it. have a wonderdull new life. a better future, and become a new you... all good wishes Jen, and give a little love..... Rusty

wishful

Hello, and welcome to SR! I can see you've got one BIG BIG strength going for you already, and that's insight! Being able to look at your behaviour, identify your triggers, etc. will be a great help in breaking the chains, especially as you describe yourself as a person who develops ritualized behaviors. A key is to make your insight work for you - don't let yourself get into a loop of examining your behavior with negative thoughts, that'll lead you into "well, if I'm so messed up, why not get {drunk / stoned / etc.}?" If you catch yourself doing that, just catch yourself and realize what you're doing, then tell your thoughts to "we can talk about it tomorrow but for today, shove off!"
You're doing the right thing by lining up support (and there are many great folks right here at SR!). I was a secret drinker and drank alone for years - quitting alone (many many attempts) never worked for me until I found SR. If you have a tough day, get online and pour it out - you'll soon have enough best wishes and help to lift you up

Broccoli

Oh I so identify with your story. Sometimes I feel like I would just take anything to take myself away. If it is not one thing it is another - cigs, pot, alcohol, food. I managed to give up cigs (which also meant pot since they kind of go hand in hand for me) and have been off them for a year and a half. But now I find it has transferred to drink and compulsive eating. How I long for some kind of calm.

Actually I think this is the place to find it. You have just helped me so much by telling your story. Thankyou. Please tell more as you go. XXXXX

aloneagainor

Facing life on its own terms. That's at the forefront of my thinking as I move out of a lifetime of avoidance, of trying to create a reality based on MY terms. It's not MYwill be done, it's THY will be done. Gotta let go of that illusion of control. Illusion is entertaining for awhile, until it (inevitably and invariably) merges with reality. To live in that state of unreality separates you from everyone including yourself. Things don't work out so well when that illusion of control is proven false. To quote a phrase from Rush (the band, not the "other one") "Illusions are painfully shattered, right where discovery starts." Through your words I see your illusions disintegrating as you're LOOKING at your approach to life, considering which version of reality you're going to choose to believe, yours, or what IS. It's your choice.

Great quote you cite, "Everything you can imagine is real." — Pablo Picasso You know, for anything to exist in reality, it must first exist in the imagination. Your positive thinking and directive will help ground you, so you can see what you need to do to be HERE, and not just drifting aimlessly out there.

temlin3

Thanks so much. Your encouragement is motivational.

temlin3

Thanks for your kind words. I know you are right about this. Now that I now I have the strength to stop in itself, I have to stick with it. I have noticed huge positive differences in my life since I am sober. Now I just have to convince the "devil" on my other shoulder that it is better than I was before (completed lost and going nowhere).

Thanks again.

temlin3

Your encouragement is wonderful to hear. I greatly appreciate your focus on the positive part of my "story."

I am also so very thankful to have found SR. Everyone I've heard from has been completely supportive, even though what I have shared so far has been impulsive and sometimes downright stupid. It is very comforting to hear about others' lives and the similar problems we all have. It would be really nice for none of us to have to struggle with these types of issues, but hey... it's an incredible thing that we can find each and support our "treatment" in ways like SR. It's been so helpful to me and my self-esteem.

Thanks — You are truly a motivation for me.

Jennifer

(The following is a journal entry I wrote one horrible morning after receiving some "bad" drugs the night before... It's crazy that it still took me so long to quit when so many bad things were happening...)

10/27/02 (9:31 A.M. — Yes, I write the time down when I finish something...)

"It's about time
that I finally
HIT
BOTTOM.
Remember this day
And never be an
******* again.
Because it hurts
like hell
and is not fun
AT ALL."

Thanks for reading and listening.

P.S.: A "friend of a friend" died that night from an overdose. I frequently wonder how in the world I could have ever touched drugs again... but I guess "my time" wasn't coming until I was ready for it.

Luckyv2

Jennifer wow welcome to SR and sure are glad that you are here. Looks like you are doing what you have to in order to find a new way of LIFE!

Some positive support system going in your life. Well you found us here that is a good start! Have you thought about going to NA, I know for me that if I didn't go to my meetings, that I probably wouldn't be able to stay clean alone, and also I wouldn't have that support system that you are seeking. They truly will help someone who really wants it. Anyway good that you're here.

Love Vic

temlin3

I long for "normal, positive" things all the time. My issues with addiction have been such a hinderance over the years. But I am so glad that my post helped you, even if it was only a little bit.

I don't plan on going anywhere, so I hope we can share more and learn from each other. You and I are not alone in this. I am here if you need to vent or anything.

Hey, you know what? We all may have our struggles, but I truly believe that we will be wiser and stronger than we've ever been after the tough times are over. These are personal trials, and WE get to choose how to cope.

Thanks for your response... I am sure I will see you around.

Jennifer

"One day at a time." — Someone who knows what they're talking about.

temlin3

OK...

When I came on and read everyone's reply to my original posting, I was excited, to say the least. While I read through them, I clicked "Reply" immediately following the message I wanted to reply to. Then, when I looked at the refreshed overall page, all of my reply postings were at the bottom of the thread.

Will everyone know who I am responding to?

Just in case... I went back and figured out which message was toward what. (Did you know you can't edit your posts after 60 minutes?)

My post (#9) was to "Best."
My post (#10) was to "Aloneagainor."
My post (#11) was to "Wishful."
My post (#13) was to "Broccoli."

Of course, I'm really talking to everyone who reads this thread... but if my responses don't make sense, I wanted other people to know what I talking about or who I was specifically talking to.

Does anyone know if I should always include who I'm responding to with each reply? I just want to make sure my comments/etc. get to the right people and that no one else takes it under inaccurate circumstances.

Thank you!

leviathon

LOL, most times you can figure out who you are responding too. If I am trying to make a response to someone on the thread in particular, I will put their name or an abbreviation of their name in the opening sentence.

Peace, Levi

temlin3

Hey Vic,

Just wanted to say thank you. Very much. I have actually been very lucky for most of my life, surrounded by a loving, dedicated family and good friends. But things changed drastically as I got older. As of today, at 26 years old, I have one true friend (who is also the man I live with). My family is about 1,300 miles away in PA (I am in FL). And to boot, I have an extremely difficulttimes letting people in... especially females, due to some negative experiences in my past. I thankyou so much for the support and advice. I am actually finally going to get off my butt and do something about all this — I'm exploring churches to find the right one for me, the first of which is tomorrow... and I am also going to my first-ever NA meeting, either Sunday or Monday evening. I'll post next week and share the "results."

Thanks again. I can't express my appreciation enough.

Jennifer

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
— Eleanor Roosevelt, 1960

temlin3

To leviathon...

Thanks so much... I had a feeling you were right, but I had to "check"... (Really, my OCD is under control... )

Appreciate your help!

Jennifer

"We grow up when we have our first good laugh — at ourselves."
— Eleanor Roosevelt, 1986

Luckyv2

WOW, I just got off of the phone with my sponsor on that very same topic, saying that it is time for me to get that part of my recovery going also. I have slacked on that since my relapse in 2004, have tried to go on occasion but never a commitment. Thanks for posting that, it helps to know and re-confirms my commitment and my HP working in our lives.

Love Vic

Also as far as refering to who you are talking too select the Quote in the persons box, then you can either highlight the areas you don't want to respond to and hit delete.

aloneagainor

Again Temlin3 Jen, your quote is right on. Recognizing what you need to do to enact the positive changes you want to bring about, and just DO it, whatever it is. It matters less how things turn out, so long as you engage, make the effort.
I thank you too, for the same reason. I call my HP "Interconnectedness" but it evades me, to actually FEEL that connectedness, especially to other people. I've been in serious avoidance mode for weeks, but today spent three hours with my company, hands to the earth, sunshine on our backs. Through a layer of sweat and dirt, before leaving we exchaged warm, caring hugs...I FELT the connection, the Interconnectedness.

Thoughtful well-wishes to you as you pursue your spiritual journey.

Rusty Zipper

Jen, nice to see your on the road to positiveville... keep doing, wtg... ...... agw & gol, .......................xxoo pattee