Florida1

I am a new one to this forum and am sober today. Last night was a drunken one. Escaping thinking I was going to have fun. The euphoria of it all that is what I crave. I was sober last week all week. I was sober for 4 monthes. I also went to an inpatient program last august. I am going to keep trying it is the devil posession you know. Escape. I want to escape the alcohol. I have to for my own health and to hopefully keep my man who is not an alcoholic. My brain tells me one thing and my behavior is another. I am trying to keep it together. My life has been a roller coaster the last 5 years. I met a wonderful man 2 years ago whom I work with. I am hoping he won't leave me after all of the crap I have put him through. I am feeling pretty crappy today self pity and all. I will now go to the meeting thanks for listening

temlin3

Hey Rusty Zipper,

I don't want to sound like a dumb-a*&, but Ihonestly don't know what those acronyms mean... wtg, atw, and gol. And Pattee? (It can be confusing with all the different "names" we use on here...

Maybe you can help me out? See ya...

Jennifer

temlin3

Hey there Florida1,

It's great to see yet another person join this group. I only found it a few days ago, but it has helped me already. I know that I can come here and be honest, vent about problems, and ask for help... all things I cannot do in my home environment. I think and hope you find this site to be the same for you.

Escapism is the absolute worst part about any addiction, in my opinion. Before I joined SR, I was clueless as to how many people use for the same reasons I do. All my "druggie friends" had no problem getting all messed up on the weekend or an occasional weekday... but I always wanted more. No one could completely identify with me. I couldn't positively deal with my life, and I would take ANY route out so I could be "numb" and pretend everthing was OK. The longer I did that, the more messed up and confused/lost I became.

I completely understand what you said about your brain telling you one thing and your behavior doing another. For me, I can be fine and sober when there aren't any temptations or people who use drugs around (unless I am withdrawing or having bad cravings, which can tend to make ME find the substances). But — the most difficult thing for me is to be around anything tempting... which much covers the entire group of addictive substances. I really, really hope that I will be able to someday be strong enough to resist and have an easier time with this. Even the mention of drugs or a movie with drugs, etc. is heart-breaking for me. I miss it. A lot. But so far, I am doing well. My boyfriend has been 100% sober his entire life, but we are on the verge of breaking it off. He's been a great help and support for me... but what will happen when we split?

Anyways, you aren't alone. Write me whenever you want to... I can't give wonderful advice because I am struggling myself, but I can be a great listener for you to get this stuff out.

It's going to take time, but we can both get through our struggles. Just look at the huge amount of people who have made it out of their addictions. That can be you and me... if we want it bad enough and follow through until the addiction dies. (Well, maybe just the "active" addiction.) Are we really going to be labeled "addicts" for the rest of our lives? Or will we eventually be a "recovered addict"? I don't know. Do you — or anyone else reading this post — have some info about this subject?

About your "man"... of course it is wonderful to admit and improve your effect on those around you, because it can be devastating and extremely hard to deal with for them. But... you must do this for yourself. I believe (my opinion, not necessarily the absolute truth) that human beings can only be successful in their endeavors when they truly want it themselves. Doing things for other people is a great thing, but when we're talking about substance abuse recovery for ourselves — We Have to Want It. I am in no way doubting your commitment to yourself, I am just trying to support you. You are worth this struggle, and you should be #1 in the recovery process. (Which maybe I misunderstood your message up there, so forgive me if I took you wrong.) I also hope I didn't come off as "knowing how to get through stuff or well-educated about all of this — because I am not. ()

So keep your head up and stay positive. You can do this, no matter how hard it may be. Time will be a great thing for us; when we are 100% sober (whenever that may be), we will see this time in hindsight and the addiction will not have the control it has now.

OK, so I have rambled enough. I hope you're doing well.

Take care. I hope to "see" you again soon.

Jennifer

Rusty Zipper

hi florida... gyh= glad your here... and Jen, for you... wtg=way to go... your a smart young lady... please keep puting that into wise use.... for the right reasons... agw= all good wishes... gol, well, this is a hard one... there is a oh so well loved one on this site, Miracal... her closing was teach only love... well Jen, Miracal was my girlfriend of almost three years... she died two months ago from addiction... as a tribute to her, i end now with a combination of us... all good wishes, me... ... Jen, you may ask, i thought her's was teach only love?... as i know now Jen, you cant teach it, only give it... so for Trish and i, we say to you Jen, all good wishes, and give only love....agw & gol.................... xxoo, pattee ....ps, somewhere around this dang huge site is a page that translates all the acronyms... ppfftt, where is it???? HELP???

temlin3

Hey Rusty Zipper,

I am truly sorry for your loss. But I have to say, you seem to be doing so well. It's so, so difficult to lose someone close to you, especially in this circumstance. I think it's incredible and commendable to continue being so active in your recovery. I can tell you have great strength, a true belief in yourself, and the rare ability to persist through such hard times... all of which are an inspiration to the large number of people who do not know how to these things.

Thanks for the tips on the acronyms. If you ever locate the page with meanings, let me know!

Take care.

Jennifer

please_be_it

I can totally relate to the thing about seeing a movie or any reference to drugs/alcohol and feeling so sad and missing it.

I know that even though 99% of the time things turned out awfully and got way out of hand, I still can't get out of my head the good times, even though those were basically non-existent in the end.

Sometimes, as crazy as it sounds, I even miss the bad times. The crazy things that would happen, the fights, the brushes with the cops, the sneaking around, trying not to get caught, etc...

temlin3

Hey,

Thanks for sharing. I feel the exact same way. The worst part of it for me is the idea that I am getting older and the "good ole' days" are gone. The way I figure it, you either keep doing drugs until you wind up killing yourself or you quit and find out what your life was meant to be like. I don't want to give up any chances for my life's possibilities... Now if only I could stay sober long enough to find them!

Thanks,

Jennifer

Rusty Zipper

Jen, spent some time Paroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooz'n this site, couldn't find the acronyms bit, ha.... maybe it was another site... (_rz_) lol!... ohohJen, yea, wasn't easy, and isn't at times... but bottom line, its all about choices.... remember'n the good times, and all the love... nice!..... or climbing in my hole, watch'n Oprah, and eat'n Bon-Bon's ! ppfftt!, yuk, ouch! phoey!.... depression, loss, sadness, dispare.....i thought it would be best to show up for life................. and i'm love'n it! ..... "Faith", works for me..................... in case you forgot Jen... all good wishes, and give only love, xxoo, patee