Purrdy

five years ...ive been around AA...i have never stopped attendign in that five years......I have hit the lowest low in sobriety and i cannot stand it anymore....i got sober for five years and i hurt........im so sick of it all....

I am so lost right now...I have no connection to a HP...i just do not believe it anymore...i feel so abandoned...!!!


how the heck can i hand this over ?...to what?....i just do not understand?!!!!! i do not trust i have no faith...its like dry and void its like there is nothing nothing lesft.......


Why is my depression getting a GRIP ON ME....why????!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF IT can you tell me why I had the stuff ive had...why i drunk the way i did and why now do i feel so depressed...why if ther is a god does he wnat to do this? why for what possible purpose does he want me to feel like this for? what do i hand this over to? i do not believe anymore.....i dont thing i ever did..i was faking it to make it well i never did make it...im sober...thats it....sober ...for waht? for waht? to feel like thsi....WHY>>>TELL ME WHY!!!!!! to carry the message? what message...?????? oh dont drink and in 5 years you eill feel like crap...oh great...go to AA and pick up a tambourine...life will be great oh yeah!...well it isnt...and if someone says thistoo will pass i wswear ill scream!!!!!!!!it has not passed ive felt like this for nearly 3 months now......WHEN WILL IT PASS? YOU TELL ME THAT!


What am i going to do...live my life like this forever ? i dont want this anymore I am hanging on by my fingernails...I HAVE NO FAITH.....I do not TRUST...I justt cant !!!


I just cannot do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............HAS ANYONE EVER FELT AS BAD AS I DO NOW????????????????????????????????

Justme57

((((((( Kenny))))))))

I am going to tell you what worked for me. I had a very tenuous hold on any kind of HP when I first came to AA. I had given up on God , as I had been taught , and did not think i would ever " connect" again.

I was at a discussion meeting one night , and i heard a tatooed , macho man, share that he had got on his knees, and prayed , and that he had , in fact " faked it til he made it". It has worked for him, he still goes to the same meeting, and is still sharing on it .

I thought , if he could do it , so could I!

I felt like a dork, but I took some ACTION, and got on my knees.

All is not perfect, but it is sure a lot better than it was.

Why not give it a go Purrdy? you have nothing to lose, and ACTION is the key. Just persist until something moves.

it has been my experience, that when I am hurting, it is time for a "growth spurt "

HUGX and LOVE
Lee

Molendie

So did you feel any better when you were out there drunk?? Make a gratitude list. You feel abandoned by God? Pray to him, tell him, ask him for help. He is always there, he abandons no one. People in AA call him a HP but he is who he is. Our God. But to each his own beliefs. Focus on today, stick around for the miracle buddy. I'll pray for you. Maybe you should see a doc about the depression if it is that severe. I dunno, ask your sponsor about it.

BigSis

((((Purdy))))

What I know is that depression mostly has a physical basis... a chemical imbalance that we can sometimes correct and sometimes have to tolerate and it sometimes gets better. When I think about depression, I think of it the same way I do any disability -it isn't fair, it isn't right and I don't have to like it. But it is what it is, and fighting that wears me out and takes me down.

As far as HP, well I have lots of ideas about mine. But I think it matters a lot less on who's catching as who's pitching (and since that is a baseball reference, I just realized you in the UK may not get it... sorry).

My good AA friend tells me he has a scientific mind, that he CANNOT conceive of a Higher Power. Yet he can give up his troubles and obessions by intentionally NOT trying to define what "it" is... He say that experience, the program and lots of meetings have proved to him that letting go of the obsession allows "something" to take it away. He has seen it in others and in himself.

So he focuses on the letting go part and "let's go" of the letting God part. (Now THAT is a convoluted sentence, but I think you get it). He just doesn't care where it goes, just as long as it does.

Ann down in the Naranon forums tells me that the difference between a good day and a bad day is.... about two days, and sometimes, much less. I didn't believe her at first... but after some experience with the same, I do now.

Do you have any experience you can draw on that tells you things do get better? Are there things you can do until then? Sleep? Take a walk? Get out of your house and out of your own mind? These are things that help me.

Keep posting - I wish you the best....

splendra

(((Purrdy)))

It sounds like you are in the dessert of your soul. Which can seem like a pretty empty spot to be. Keep walking and you will reach an oasis I promise. Keep posting kep reaching out. Sometimes the only choice we have is to stay clean and trust our process. We are here with you...

fraankie

yeah,
so
read the 3rd and 11th step
try to refernce on line big book for higher power, serenity
there's only one way
AA
get to a meeting and pray


best
fraankie

miss communicat

((((((Purrrrdy)))))

for me, the path to a Higher Power is found by listening in to my Inner Truth. Being outside of organized religions, I'm not comfortable with personifying the forces of nature and I therefore do not call them "Him" or 'God", but, I do believe that paying attention to, (which is a choice) and acting from Inner Truth creates our life experience.

The internal battle between feeling connected to God/HP, and not believing there even is one is old as time. Every one of us faces this at times. Some people see God/HP at work in every aspect of their lives. Others see randomness in nature and life as proof that there is none whatsoever.

Consider this: There has never been a culture or a civilization based on chaos, even including the subcultures of science and atheism.I see this as proof that there is a Divine design underlying, INforming, and overarching, our lives. Your life, too. right now.

Whether you trust it or not, you are embedded in this Divine design.

I believe that there MUST be a Higher Power. For me right now, it makes possible our connection and fellowship via the internet.

Please, consider yourself connected.I will keep the light on for you til you come home to yourself again.

Big Hugs,

C

Peter

Why are you trying so hard to believe in a Higher Power if after five years you feel no difference ?

What do you think faith is ?

Faith is trust, with or without the presence of proof.

People have faith in God even though some believe there is no proof of his existence. But at the same time I also have faith in my Doctor because I have proof of his abilities.In other words most of us practise a form of faith on a daily basis.

If you struggle with the idea of faith in things unseen then switch your focus to things of a more tangible nature.

I too struggled with the HP dilemma for quite some time, but let me ask you a question.

Do you believe that Honesty, Patience, Tolerance ,Forgiveness, Acceptance and Humility, if you practise them ,can make your life better ?

If you believe it then you have faith in "The Spiritual Principles of life"....... and that is all the Higher Power you need.

Although none of these Spiritual Principles can be physically defined the results of practising them can bring tangible rewards to your life.

Try practising Honesty and Patience with your kids.

Try Humility the next time a cop pulls you over.

Try Forgiveness of those who have harmed you.

Try Acceptance the next time the weather turns foul or you get caught in traffic.

And Tolerance for the next door neighbour who likes to listen to Hip Hop all day long.

It is only through constant practise that you will come to understand their true meaning.

Your own version of Step 3 could look something like this:

"Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of Spiritual Principles."

jlo34

Congratulations on five years sober...there's a lot of people out there that aren't fortunate enough to ever get sober, let alone for five years.

Have you been trying to connect? Have you been praying? Have you gotten down on your knees? Or, have you decided that you don't need God's help...that you can do a better job? God will never abandon you...you will abandon Him.

Hand it over to a Power Greater than Yourself. Perhaps this depression and pain is DUE to your lack of faith. Perhaps you are experiencing this depression (which is very common at five years) so you can get a better grasp at who you are...perhaps it's the sign that you need to get back to working the steps, as though your life depends on it....because it sounds like it does.


It's not important to know why you drank the way you did. If you want to put as God's fault for feeling the way you do...perhaps, He's trying to get your attention so you will find your faith and re-connect with Him. We don't grow unless we feel the pain. The greater the pain...the greater the growth. It WILL pass...when you choose to let it go. Sounds like your "life perception" right now is in the dumps and sounds like you are having a pity party. Call the party off, change your perception from negative to positive, write a gratitude list, get busy working the steps, get busy doing service work and giving back...


Just as anything, this is only temporary. Your life will not be like this forever, unless you choose for it to be like this forever. If you don't want to feel this way anymore...find acceptance for whatever is troubling you, forgiveness, turn it over and be done. Sounds like you're not willing to let it go. This program works by the principle of HOW (honest, open-minded and willing). If any one of these is missing, the program doesn't work very well.


Absolutely. I have felt as bad as you do. Seemed like the lowest and worst part of my life...(feel free to look at my threads from November 2004 to February 2005). I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of my depression alive. I tell you, all the pain was worth it...every last bit...though that probably doesn't sound great to you right now...the way I feel today; well, there just isn't any comparison. That experience really made me grow. It's really tough when you're in the middle of it. Get a hold of your sponsor and get busy. And remember, Purrdy, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Prayers and blessings,
Jen

Purrdy

This is all good solid and sound stuff...when i joined AA i put my fait in you guys...meetings are great and i would lay my life down for my sponsor/s because they have given me life.....

I need to vent this stuff...yes some of it may sound like pity but somedays it cripples me....oh yes guys I DO GET ON MY KNEES!! very often asking for guidance...just guidance...because i feel so utterly lost right now...show me the way people because it is the people in my life including SR that are lifting me up ...keeping me going....and ACCEPTING ME the way I am today...becaue I KNOW you have suffered too...that is when i feel my deepest connection...when someone says yes ive been there....we love you kenny for you...just for you....

I woke up today with my hubby next to me...(he is usually at work4am!!) and today he brought me coffee...he told me how much he loves me...he told me he is the luckiest man alive in the universe...he loves me ...every bump and lump...he loves me...like nobody has ever loved anyone ever before....it takes my breath away it really does to have such a wonderful man who has helped me to stay sober and love me the way he does....it just astounds me...i feel that i do not deserve to have him....thoughts of death and stuff creep in and it nearly cripples me with fear...what if god takes him away?.....i feel like a shell with nothing inside.....

thankyou for all you support and love across the cyber waves....i will make the most of this day today.....

Thankyou....

purrdyxxxx

Justme57

Good onya Purrdy ! I have been waiting for you , I was worried !

You are a lucky girl to have such a man ! Whoo Huuuu!

Have a great 24 my dear friend. I am off to my Home group in about 1/2 an hour , but will be back later

HUGX
Lee

Five

Purdy, cognitive behaviour therapy is a scientifically proven way of treating emotional problems. It can be read in self help books or prescribed by the NHS.

I felt suffocated in AA, didnt know up from down, and without CBT I would probabley still be in that state.

Up to you, but its the best therapy out there at the moment.

Five

What never used to help was appraising "negative" emotions as

selfishness
pride
disease
EGO.

What helps me now is realising that is all

b
u
l
l

s
h
*
*.

Purrdy

thanks Five...I do feel connected to so many people on here...and that includes you .....and MARGOT!!!


Thanks just me...i am feeling better...my homegorup today too....

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and I'm an Alcoholic.

Raised as a Catholic, I was brought up believeing in that Power greater than myself and have always known He was there. I have call upon my HP more times than many in despiration. Never getting the answers in my time. After reading ur share, i could feel the depiration in ur thoughts and words. I've been there and still have moments that are more intense than others.
I use to get in my car driving and just YELL to the top of my lungs as loud as i could. Hoping no one would see me doing this. I wanted my HP to hear. Screams of depair. HELP ME. I always new my HP wouldn't give me anymore than what I could handle, but there were times i was sooo overwhelmed with life and all its burdens. I remember way in the beginning of sobriety, people would say, take care of ur Alcoholism first, then seek help for other things that followed. I could tell after 13 yrs something else was wrong with me. All was not right in the way i was feeling. I did however finally seek the medical help, knowledge and advice about my chemical imbalance. Now i wished i had seek this help long ago, but was too afraid to. Maybe if i had done this earlier on then i would have been able to cope better with family and life situations. Today, life is a little more manageable thanks to the suggestions so freely given to me here in AA. I dont find myself screaming in despair like i use to, but i continue to remain teachable to continue to take each day as it comes turning my will and life over to Him. Thy will be mine always. Ur HP will not give u anymore than what u can handle.

Thanks for letting me share.

Music

Maybe it's just time to get back to basics. Just for the time it takes to get through this, go to a meeting every day and vent there. Do someone else a favor and let them help you through this. Back to step one and concentrate on being powerless, and unmanagable. Talk to faces, not a computer screen. If you have to stand on your head and crap wooden nickles, don't drink. You'll be ok!

Sugah

Looking around a room of sober alcoholics, knowing how many times that I tried to stop on my own, and knowing that these folks were sharing their common problem and overcoming it together...witnessing that much power in one room proved to me that it was a higher (stronger) power than anything I on my own, alone. I needed proof that it worked before I was willing to try it. Since, I have reconciled that the power we all tap into may have different names and faces, but it's really all the same. At least, that's part of my understanding, however simple it may be.

I'd suggest you keep your eyes open. If it's evidence or a feeling you're looking for, there are many opportunities in even the most average day. Carpe diem, Purrdy...and keep on keepin on. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...but always, if we work for it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Purrdy

you knocked the nail onthe head...i feel suffocated by AA.......it doesnt seem to be 'working' although i do all that is suggested!!!!!!..im so fed up with beating myself with the stick of AA.......

to be honest i think that once my meds kick in and i gt some sort of councelling the doctoer has suggested...maybe i will feel better...this isNOT something I can just SNAP OUT OF!!!



im mad....mad in the head...always have been always will be...im sick in the head and need drugs to make me normal...taht makes me feel just GREAT!!!


so i will keep going to AA and keep trying but i dont feel as itf its whati really neesd right now.....

CarolD

I agree with Music...

Basic AA ..... Step 1

Hugs...

Cap3

For myself i had faith,and just let happen,And it did,that connection,with God..Where.When.And the exact timming, it happened to me i dont know.As long as i questioned,trying to figure out,this is what kept me in limbo.Kept me stuck.Once i let go,i let God,come into my life.
Personally my depression,left after i did my 4-9 steps.The whole weight,was lifed from my mind and heart.
Thanks for letting me share,
God bless and take care!!!