Originally Posted by Purrdy
five years ...ive been around AA...i have never stopped attendign in that five years......I have hit the lowest low in sobriety and i cannot stand it anymore....i got sober for five years and i hurt........im so sick of it all....
Congratulations on five years sober...there's a lot of people out there that aren't fortunate enough to ever get sober, let alone for five years.
Originally Posted by Purrdy
I am so lost right now...I have no connection to a HP...i just do not believe it anymore...i feel so abandoned...!!!
Have you been trying to connect? Have you been praying? Have you gotten down on your knees? Or, have you decided that you don't need God's help...that you can do a better job? God will never abandon you...you will abandon Him.
Originally Posted by Purrdy
how the heck can i hand this over ?...to what?....i just do not understand?!!!!! i do not trust i have no faith...its like dry and void its like there is nothing nothing lesft.......
Hand it over to a Power Greater than Yourself. Perhaps this depression and pain is DUE to your lack of faith. Perhaps you are experiencing this depression (which is very common at five years) so you can get a better grasp at who you are...perhaps it's the sign that you need to get back to working the steps, as though your life depends on it....because it sounds like it does.
Originally Posted by Purrdy
Why is my depression getting a GRIP ON ME....why????!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF IT can you tell me why I had the stuff ive had...why i drunk the way i did and why now do i feel so depressed...why if ther is a god does he wnat to do this? why for what possible purpose does he want me to feel like this for? what do i hand this over to? i do not believe anymore.....i dont thing i ever did..i was faking it to make it well i never did make it...im sober...thats it....sober ...for waht? for waht? to feel like thsi....WHY>>>TELL ME WHY!!!!!! to carry the message? what message...?????? oh dont drink and in 5 years you eill feel like crap...oh great...go to AA and pick up a tambourine...life will be great oh yeah!...well it isnt...and if someone says thistoo will pass i wswear ill scream!!!!!!!!it has not passed ive felt like this for nearly 3 months now......WHEN WILL IT PASS? YOU TELL ME THAT!
It's not important to know why you drank the way you did. If you want to put as God's fault for feeling the way you do...perhaps, He's trying to get your attention so you will find your faith and re-connect with Him. We don't grow unless we feel the pain. The greater the pain...the greater the growth. It WILL pass...when you choose to let it go. Sounds like your "life perception" right now is in the dumps and sounds like you are having a pity party. Call the party off, change your perception from negative to positive, write a gratitude list, get busy working the steps, get busy doing service work and giving back...
Originally Posted by Purrdy
What am i going to do...live my life like this forever ? i dont want this anymore I am hanging on by my fingernails...I HAVE NO FAITH.....I do not TRUST...I justt cant !!!
Just as anything, this is only temporary. Your life will not be like this forever, unless you choose for it to be like this forever. If you don't want to feel this way anymore...find acceptance for whatever is troubling you, forgiveness, turn it over and be done. Sounds like you're not willing to let it go. This program works by the principle of HOW (honest, open-minded and willing). If any one of these is missing, the program doesn't work very well.
Originally Posted by Purrdy
I just cannot do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............HAS ANYONE EVER FELT AS BAD AS I DO NOW????????????????????????????????
Absolutely. I have felt as bad as you do. Seemed like the lowest and worst part of my life...(feel free to look at my threads from November 2004 to February 2005). I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of my depression alive. I tell you, all the pain was worth it...every last bit...though that probably doesn't sound great to you right now...the way I feel today; well, there just isn't any comparison. That experience really made me grow. It's really tough when you're in the middle of it. Get a hold of your sponsor and get busy. And remember, Purrdy, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Prayers and blessings,
Jen