JessicaNAJ

I realized that the State Income Tax return was going to be sent to G's apartment. I tried to call him to let him know so he wouldn't just toss it thinking it was junk, but he didn't answer. So, on my way to get spark plug wires, I stopped by his apartment to tell him.

- My wires were on a lifetime warranty, so I had to take them off and turn them in in order to get my new ones with no cost. Since I was driving the car the wires were on, I would have to pay for the new ones, wait 5 days for my check to clear, and then get my money back.

While talking to G about the tax check, I asked him if I could take my wires off here and if he could run me up to the auto parts store so I could get the new ones. He said no.

I left, went up to the auto parts store and just started shaking, getting madder and madder by the second. I was thinking "He can take all these loosers where every they ask, but he can't even give me a ride. He can help these idiots but he can't help me!" (I use those terms b/c that is what he calls these people he gives rides to.)

Guess what I did? Yep, I went back to his apartment determined to get an answer. I was so mad I was shaking.

I knocked on his door, he answered. I told him I needed to talk to him. We went outside.

I can't really tell you how the conversation went. I know he was frustrated b/c he was trying to get some "alone" time and for the last ??? days he hasn't been able to (so he says) but then again, he has a roommate who lets people over and people always knocking on his door and his "best friend" (who he says gets on his nerves too) are always there. So here I am wanting to have a conversation and he's already frustrated and obviously not wanting to have the conversation. Does that make sense? Well, if not, that's okay b/c out of the whole conversation that's all I got out of it.

Oh...he did say he was trying to figure out "who he was" and was about 90% there....if this is who he is, I want nothing to do with it.

I did ask him why he told me no, how he could give rides to these other people but can't help me. He never did answer me. I asked him if I gave him a can of beer if that would change his mind (sarcasm, I know, but I was not in my right frame of mind). He said, "wtf ever. This ain't about you."

I was looking at a crazy person. I tried to talk. he would interrupt me and ask how does that feel. Said he has one friend and that was himself. Said I didn't have any friends, that I was my only friend and if it really came down to it, I was all I had. He said, "the truth will set me free". He just kept going on and on and on. He wasn't making sense to me. He said I came over to his apartment and starting poking him. I told him I haven't touched him. And when I would try to say anything, he would say "POKE POKE how does it feel?"

I was getting frustrated and...I can't even describe what I was feeling. I started saying I was insane b/c I came over here. I told him I was trying to have a logical conversation with an illogical person. It was nuts. I lost it. I hit my car out of frustration....when that didn't help, I ran to his truck. I got inside and ..... I stopped. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was behaving like him.....like child.

All I could say was, "what am I doing? what am I doing? This is madness. Insane. What am I doing?"

I calmly walked back to my car in disbelief that I have even just experienced what I had. I numbly drove up to the auto parts store and just laughed. It was nuts, crazy....totally out of control.

I decided it's not worth it. I deserve so much more. My kids deserve so much more. I can't believe I reacted like that. It was sooooo wrong.

I'm done.... and I'm at peace. I don't care if I ever hear from him again. As far as the check....if he gets it and don't call, sobeit. It's just money. It's not worth me loosing my sanity over it. It is so not worth it.

I got the new wires, changed them in the parking lot and turned the old ones in. Only took me 30 minutes

StandingStrong

I hope that this sticks with you Jessica!!! It's the reality! And you know - I bet we've all done it - more than we care to admit.
I can only hope that you remember this!!! It's just so big!

And I believe you are finally seeing the light!!!! (Yea!!!) YOU ARE worth much more - and your kids are worth more!!!

I hope that you remember the peace you feel at this very moment. I hope you hold onto it and strive to keep it.
So many times, I've thought that very same thing - only to later be sucked back into the madness.

((((Hugs to you Jessica)))) For seeing the light today and for having grown a little bit more in your recovery and for finally realizing that you and the kids are worth so much more than you've been giving yourself credit for. Respect for yourself and self worth is just the beginning dear!!!!!

robina

Good for you! This sounds like a step 1 to me....

LaTeeDa

Way to go Jessica! Sometimes we have to hit a wall before we can change direction. I truly hope this is a major turning point for you.

L

JessicaNAJ

He told me my counselor is a stupid B. He thinks she's against me....how twisted is that. She told me it sounded like he was in the advanced stages of alcoholism, though I don't know what she meant, I think I'm starting to see it. ???? wow

StandingStrong

Remember Jessica.....
Words............
Actions..........

And I"m thinking tonight he showed you the truth. Not what you wanted to see/hear - not who he used to be - not who you hope he will be - etc. He just showed you the truth.

JessicaNAJ

he showed me the truth

Hence his words....The truth will set you free

gelfling

I'm so glad you realized how insane your actions were. Such a major step for you. Perhaps, that will be the catalyst for you to accept the reality of the situation. Make this your mantra. I'm at peace, I'm at peace...

((((((Jess)))))))

minnie

True colours, Jess. And I am glad you saw them. So many of us are too scared to see them and I am so proud of you for being able to step back.

Add this thread to your favorites in case you ever need to remember what the lightbulb moment felt like.

And have a big ((((((hug))))))) from me.

ICU

Well Jess, that was certainly drama at it's best!

I remember those insane interactions. And I remember what it 'finally' took for me to see the light. I have to admit, it was not one of my finer behavioral moments either. Expressing my thoughts and my long pent-up fear and frustration turned into verbal anger and I was down-right mean. Of course anything I said was pre-school level when compared to his lethal verbal lashings, but that's not the point. I was mad as hell, and I wasn't going to take it anymore! (Isn't that a line from a movie???)

HOWEVER, it WAS what it took - - for me to see that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and to finally realize my own self-worth, amongst other things. It was a very eluminating and life-altering moment for me. Kind of like me declaring my independence! Extremely powerful moment!!!

Looking back, I still think it was a stupid move on my part in some respects because in my particular case, what I did was dangerous! But, if I was going to leave this world, it wasn't going to be with a wimper - nope - I was going to go out fighting...for me!!

I'm glad this happened Jess. Sometimes those insane moments are what it takes to finally see how this kind of life is all consuming and sucks the life out of you. Remember it - remember what it felt like. Remember what you learned. Remember, that he can't take care of Jess! But most importantly, remember that you don't need him to take care of you or help you because Jess is one self-sufficient, strong, whole person, just as she is!

I am soooooooo happy for you Jess!!!

ASpouse

But the biggest point you missed is this:

It's not Jessica and you just haven't figured that out yet!

CatsTail

Jessica,

You saw what it does to your kids, and he did say the most truthful thing.........

"It's not about you." And it really isn't.

And what the hell, you can always call the income tax place and have the check re-routed to you.

My ex was like that, be a great guy to everyone else and treat me like crap and I mean crap.
When I started going to counselling (after he refused to go with me) he was convinced the counsellor was telling me to break up with him.

Take care of you Jessica and NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

Your right...it's not about me. This is his battle (or whatever it is). And in order to save my sanity and I have to make my recovery about me.

I cannot hold on to my sanity trying to make him see things my way. I have no control over what he chooses to do or what he chooses to say or see. He knows what he could have with us. He knows how good his life could be. If this is the path he chooses, that's his choice.

I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT and quit trying to convince him otherwise. I can cry, I can beg, I can plead with him. But what will that do? I know what it won't do....it won't make any positive choice he makes his own. I need to quit worrying about where his state of mind is so that he is free to make his own choice about "what he wants".

My recovery is about me.

He asked me where I was two years ago....I told him I was trying to figure out what I wanted. He said that's what he's doing. He was drunk (or had been drinking) and said he was 95% there. Well, if he's 95% there to figuring out what he wants and he's drunk.....what does that say to me? That he's 95% sure this is the life he wants.

He said he waited for me and he wants me to wait for him. Hell he's had 2 years to "figure him out"! Why, when I feel like it's close to the end does he now decide to do this? Is it b/c I showed him some emotion that I cared? IMO, I've been doing that...just not the extreme that he's used to. That just shows me he's not doing this for HIMSELF. I know he loves me, and yes, I love him....but I WILL NOT LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS and if he is only going to come around because it will help him get his life back with me.....there's a chance that old life will come back. I can't live with that doubt.

It don't make sense. His actions....drunk. His words....they just don't match.

But if I listen closely, I will hear and see the truth. In his dilisional (sp) state, the truth does come out. And the truth will set me free.

ASpouse

Jess, these words are strictly your "opinion". He may not necessarily feel that being with you and the kids is good for him. Perhaps he doesn't even want that any longer .... again, it's his choice to make.
Jess, you say these words, but I don't think you fully believe or understand them.
You need to leave him alone and stop hounding him so he can make that choice when he is ready. It may not be soon enough for you, but he will make it when he makes it.
This is simply diversionary, trying to get you to leave him alone. I wouldn't take these words too seriously at all.
What difference does it make what it says to you? Why does it matter? and if this is the life he wants, then that is his choice.
Now he's doing to you what you've been doing to him. You can wait or you won't. THAT is your choice.
This is also your choice and in my opinion, you are trying to validate it, trying to manipulate the words until they make sense to you and you can have your life back with him, without the booze. Let me tell you something, the booze, whether he is drinking or not, in a program or not will always be a part of his life. It is part of who he is, his recovery and his drinking. It doesn't just go away because he stops drinking. He will fight those demons "BY HIMSELF WITHOUT YOU OR YOUR HELP" for the rest of his life. You either accept that or you don't.
The only truth that is important for you to hear and see is your own. To thy own self be true! If you can accomplish that, the rest of the world will fall quite nicely into place for you.
You can't seem to get through one week without finding some reason to call him, to go over there, to confront him, to argue with him. I understand believe me I do, but Jessica I would like to see more recovery for YOU at this point. Two years is a lot of wasted time. Leave him alone Jessica, stop using "things" as excuses to bother with him (ie; his guitar, his rent money, his roommate, the kids). These things are not pawns unless you make them out to be.

Sorry, just my usually "harsh, blunt" 2 cents worth!

JessicaNAJ

That's ok. I'll take it. I understand and Yes...I do need to leave him alone. That is what is in my best interest and that is what I "plan" to do. I have to focus on me and what is best for me. and that is not taking myself to a place that leads me to insanity.

Most of what I stated above is my opinion, but not b/c of what I feel, but b/c of what he has said in the past. I do understand and i do know that I need to leave him alone. That is why I said
But I also know that this is majorly unhealthy for me....so I need to step back and put the focus back on me. They say a picture says a thousand words. I posted in another thread that I believe a photo is what brought me back to this unhealthy state. I saw a picture of us and it brought back a flood of memories...good memories. I wanted that back and lost control of myself trying to do just that.

I did see the truth....not only through him and his words and actions, but also my reaction and how sick I really am. I cannot live my life like this...its not good for me or my kids. I have to focus on me so regardless of the outcome, I can live my life in peace and serenity.

I do fully believe or understand my words I'm just having a really hard time accepting it.

laurie6781

Jess, it was the way you described above, like that with my first love and my first husband Donald. We divorced in 1976 (at my instigation). We really had no contact until after I got sober in 1981. After our divorce he never had another relationship (except with the bottle) until he died in March of 1999.

He did achieve a little over a year sobriety in that time. It was back when Desert Storm was gearing up, and they reactivated him, and he went to Edwards Air Force Base for a year. During that 14 or so months he was on active duty he stayed sober and some of the best memories I have of him are the long weekends when I would fly out there from Albuquerque. We had some wonderful times in that year!!!! Those are the ones I treasure. The rest I chose to leave behind.

However, 2 hours after he was deactivated and had left the base on his way back to Stockton where his home was, HE WAS DRUNK.

He always wanted to get back together, and I had to tell him, that until he obtained and maintained 5 years of sobriety I would not even talk about it. Needless to say he never did, but I was the contact in his wallet, so when he was found dead on the sidewalk in downtown Los Angeles about 100 feet from where his older brother had died in 87 or 88, I was the one they called.

I fully understand where you are at. Yes you love him, however, it may just be time for you to accept that you two CANNOT LIVE TOGETHER, it is just not healthy for either one of you or the children.

Judy said it well. Jess it is time for you to SIT DOWN, and start making out A DEEP SOULD SEARCHING "pro and con" list. Not of how it was, but how it is now. With no expectations of "will he or won't he change" just what are the pros to staying the way the things are now, and what are the "cons".

Work on it for a while (a week or so) then let it sit for several days (another 3 or 4) and then go back and read it again. OH and while doing this, DO NOT CALL HIM, DO NOT TRACK HIM DOWN, DO NOT TALK TO HIM, DO NOT GO TO HIS PLACE.

You might also do a "pro and con" list on the CHAOS you are living in, what are the "pros" and what are the "cons" of living this way. What it does to your mental and physical health and the mental and physical health of your children. They do feel the stress and the tension that exudes from you.

By doing the above you will certainly have a better idea on where you are in the process of you getting better to be the best you can be for you and your children.

I will continue to keep you and yours in my prayers that your HP will guide you to find some peace and serenity.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

CatsTail

Jessica,

You don't need to LISTEN to get the message,you need to SEE the actions, put the words aside. Words are easy, actions are the truth.

The reason why he's asking you to wait is he's throwing out a hook to you to keep you dangling, that's all that is. Manipulation.

But aside from him, what about you?

Not be harsh but I agree with Aspouse.

Everything is a hook from you to him, the tax money, the guitar, the spark plugs, paying the babysitter, the kids everything you can find you use it to have contact with him.

NO CONTACT.

Take care of YOU and your KIDS.

For what it's worth my 2 cents worth.

Ngaire

ASpouse

Not to be dopey (myself) but I don't believe you do understand your own words. Believing is part of acceptance. If you can't accept your own words, then you don't believe it. I guess another way to say it (at least this is how I would say it) is "you're blowing smoke!"

FormerDoormat

Jessica:

I, too, think G was telling you the truth when he said "it's not about you." But more than that, I think G was telling the truth when he said that you "poke, poke, poke him."

And by that he means exactly what ASpouse and others have said to you and what is absolutely clear to everyone on this forum but you:

You will find any reason you can to call G and when he doesn't answer the phone, you hit pay dirt! It gives you a "reason" to go over there and create more drama in your life. It gives you a "reason" to harrass him. It gives you a "reason" to dance with him.

You say you don't like the drama, but your actions say otherwise. You say that G's behavior is out of control, but from my view point you're the one who's out of control. You say G has a problem with drinking, I say you have some real anger management issues. You say G is an irresponsible parent, I say you are too, by the example you're setting for your children.

You say "if this is who he is, I want nothing to do with it." I say bullsh*t. You can't seem to stay away from him. You say you're done with him, I say, I'll believe that when I see it.

Now, I could join the others and say "good job" or "way to go" but I think you're a long way from congratulations. I think you haven't even taken that first step towards recovery. I agree with Judy, I would have hoped that you'd be further along in your recovery by now, and I pray this is impetus for you to effect change.

I haven't given up on you, or I would stop responding to your posts. But I won't caudle you either because that won't effect change. You've been in major meltdown mode for quite a long time now, and I don't see any signs of this stopping or any signs of you modifying your behavior. And until you take an honest inventory of the role you play in this chaos and until you take that first step towards changing the things you can change, NOTHING will change.

The choice is yours.

minnie

Jess, I was really encouraged by large parts of your first post. But then your subsequent posts seemed to veer off into something else entirely. I find it realy hard to understand how you have got back into this place when you had some real periods of growth last year. It's like none of that ever happened. What's occurring?

FD's right - until you figure out your part in this and stop blaming it all on G, you will stay stuck.