JessicaNAJ

FD....I've not denied anything you have pointed out in the above post. I openly admit that you, Judy, Ngaire, and everyone else who has responded are right.

I'm trying like hell to get out of this.

I go back to my counselor tomorrow and Al-Anon tomorrow night.

I know a lot of you won't understand....but I believe all this that I'm experiencing is helping me. I'm just not doing to good putting it into words....and I know my actions aren't helping either.

FormerDoormat

I'm rooting for you Jess. Always have. Always will.

JessicaNAJ

Has anyone seen Saw II? Did you see the part where the girl (former addict) was thrown into a pit of hypodermic needles to get a key so they could get out of the room? She didn't want to get thrown into that pit, but when she found she had no choice but to face her fear and extreme pain, she fought through it and found the key.

I have to face my fear and I have to feel this pain so I can find the key to open the door to the rest of my life. I won't continue ignoring my feelings or pretending I don't care.

I said I was done and I meant it. I will not allow myself to go back to that insane state again. I don't have urges to call him and when i do, i come here. (I know it's only been less than 24 hours, but believe me when I say "me not calling him, is a major accomplishment so far" compared to the last three weeks.) I purposely drive away from his street so I don't "look" to see if he's there. I am fighting this and I will get through it. Each day it will get easier.

In fact, he called to apologize today. I admit, I was shocked that he called. But it means nothing to me. He'll just treat me like that again and again and again as long as I allow myself to be put in that situation. Its about boundaries.....I have a new boundary, I will not disrespect others and I will not be disrespected.

As far as me being an irresponsible parent....Yes, my actions have been irresponsible. I recognize what I'm doing is wrong and I openly admit I have to change it. I am a good mom and no matter what anyone says or thinks, I will change whatever I am able to make sure my kids get exactly what they deserve and that is safety, peace and happiness.

denny57

Did you actually speak to him or let the answering machine pick up? Do you have caller ID?

Jessica, I KNOW how difficult NC is. I have been doing it for almost 4 months. So how did he get my attention? He had me served with divorce papers. And here's what I'm going to do: respond to them. And see it through if it goes that far. He has told every and anyone who will listen that he does not want a divorce. He also doesn't want to stop drinking. He can't have both. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I am certain it is the right thing.

I BEG of you - try absolutel NC!!! (((())))

JessicaNAJ

I turned the ringer off on my phone so I wouldn't know if he called or not....therefore I would not be tempted to answer it. He left a message.

denny57

Yay! I really feel for the hard time you're having. Hang in there.

Pick-a-name

Same here, Jessica.

Thanks for posting this, also. It is helping me a great deal (I hope! ha)

Baby steps are better than no steps at all!

(You are in my prayers.)

mythreesons

(((((((Jess))))))))

CatsTail

When I say take care of you and your kids, it means also look at you and your motives and actions with your ex and what your part is in all of it.

Ngaire

Live

Jessica,

It was a similar situation that first brought me here. I could not find the strength by myself to adhere to a no contact. I had to come on here and count each day of no contact the same as counting sobriety. Day 1. And some good people would say good for you. Day 2. Good people supported me. That accountability helped me alot and it became important to me to be able to say I made it another day. I had alot of other problems, too, but everyday I could say another day no contact was a success I counted. It really helped me so much. And somewhere around 30 days or a little more, I didn't need to count anymore. Whenever I felt like contacting him I would read recovery/educational books to reinforce my actions and I came here. Today, I am glad I was "forced" into doing that...by that I mean, I had lost my sanity...and it was something I had to do despite ambivalent feelings and feelings of loss and feelings of hope.
I don't understand the power all of it had over me but I wasn't in control.
But the longer I maintained the no contact the more distance I achieved, the less it pulled on me.
Today, he still wants me back, but that doesn't matter, I wouldn't go back to the life I accepted with him for anything.
I'm not sure who I was then or even how it all happened and came about.
But I don't ever want to feel that way again.
This is just my story and of what was most helpful to me.

CatsTail

I second what Liveweyerd has said. The no-contact is like stopping drinking one day at a time. That really is the only way to do it.

It's hard but it can be done.

Baby steps. Turn off the ringer on the phne don't put yourself in the path of temptation. Good first step.

Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

oops