Detachment - Property Lines
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Detachment - Property Lines
I was thinking about what reading made th most impact on me in my recovery and this in my Top 3, without a doubt. I hope it has the same power for others too.
"A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If some one is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating, and tacky behaviors belong to them as well. Not to us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. And other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. IF we take it, we learn to give it back. We let other people have their property, and we learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine."
From Melodie Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
"A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If some one is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating, and tacky behaviors belong to them as well. Not to us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. And other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. IF we take it, we learn to give it back. We let other people have their property, and we learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine."
From Melodie Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I needed this more than ever today! I especially love the part about (and I'm sure you knew I would , LOL) how his LIES and cheating belong to him. You're right, that isn't mine. My focus on it makes it mine though....therefore, it isn't allowed to be in it's proper place which is with him.
Now where I'm stumped, how do I give it back to him? hhhmmmmmm
Now where I'm stumped, how do I give it back to him? hhhmmmmmm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
It's not about giving it back, it's about not picking it up in the first place. If someone lays down their responsibilities at my feet, I have no obligation to reach down and pick them up.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
okay, I'm following....well, sort of. It isn't my responsibility to pick it up, if you're in a relationship with someone, how do you not pick it up?
I mean, he lied and cheated and lies about it. The only way to not pick it up is to what? how? I'm missing something here and can't put my finger on it. Wouldn't anyone get upset and freak out?
I mean, he lied and cheated and lies about it. The only way to not pick it up is to what? how? I'm missing something here and can't put my finger on it. Wouldn't anyone get upset and freak out?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You control how you feel, think, react to what he does .... just dont pick it up means
Dont make excuses for him, if you set a boundry that its unacceptable then take the action that is right or you, when they try to make it your fault, dont react etc.
At least thats what Im thinking
Dont make excuses for him, if you set a boundry that its unacceptable then take the action that is right or you, when they try to make it your fault, dont react etc.
At least thats what Im thinking
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
I'm relearning that part again. I have to say, honestly, it's easier this time. Having gone through it not so long ago the first time and detaching was difficult. This time....yeah, I was (am getting past it) hurt ALOT when completely blown off by xabf, but I can look at it in a different light now then ever before.
In order to have a relationship with that man, I'd have to:
1) Live with his lies, drama, manipulation, jealousy, mood swings, bankruptcy, getting a new career at 46, getting his back fixed and a total knee cap replaced, paying off his huge other debts and being wrapped up in his addiction.
2) on top of all that, live and deal with his drama packed family......every one of them that are all in denial and blame others.....including his exwife and his older daughter.
That's a heckuva lot to have to live with. And........I don't want to. To me, he honestly is not worth it. It'd end up killing me, seriously. I'd wind up stressed to the max...have a heart attack and/or go insane.
THAT"S ALL HIS CRAP and not mine! I've got some issues, but out of all the people I know of........xabf has tons of issues that he hasn't even tapped into, yet,....if he ever does.
Today, I noticed that I was taking care of me again because I'm buying my son a condo. It's an investment for me and he needs a place to live. I know I can trust him with the monthly payments because he's a hard worker and pays his bills on time, always.
But, he's struggling with coming over and sitting down with me and looking at properties. So, I told him today that I'm gonna pick out the properties that I like, go look at them with my realtor and do research on it, put a bid and buy it. I'll rent out the condo one way or another. To him or someone else, but this is something that I"m gonna do and if he wants to participate.....great, if not.....that's his choice.
If I feel like taking a nap.....I'm gonna go take a nap! If I feel like going out with a friend,,,,,I'm going out. I don't have to answer to anybody, but "myself and God" (as some one's signature says on here). And, it's not lonely, not this time. It's healthy.
In order to have a relationship with that man, I'd have to:
1) Live with his lies, drama, manipulation, jealousy, mood swings, bankruptcy, getting a new career at 46, getting his back fixed and a total knee cap replaced, paying off his huge other debts and being wrapped up in his addiction.
2) on top of all that, live and deal with his drama packed family......every one of them that are all in denial and blame others.....including his exwife and his older daughter.
That's a heckuva lot to have to live with. And........I don't want to. To me, he honestly is not worth it. It'd end up killing me, seriously. I'd wind up stressed to the max...have a heart attack and/or go insane.
THAT"S ALL HIS CRAP and not mine! I've got some issues, but out of all the people I know of........xabf has tons of issues that he hasn't even tapped into, yet,....if he ever does.
Today, I noticed that I was taking care of me again because I'm buying my son a condo. It's an investment for me and he needs a place to live. I know I can trust him with the monthly payments because he's a hard worker and pays his bills on time, always.
But, he's struggling with coming over and sitting down with me and looking at properties. So, I told him today that I'm gonna pick out the properties that I like, go look at them with my realtor and do research on it, put a bid and buy it. I'll rent out the condo one way or another. To him or someone else, but this is something that I"m gonna do and if he wants to participate.....great, if not.....that's his choice.
If I feel like taking a nap.....I'm gonna go take a nap! If I feel like going out with a friend,,,,,I'm going out. I don't have to answer to anybody, but "myself and God" (as some one's signature says on here). And, it's not lonely, not this time. It's healthy.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Girlfriend I could have written most of your post myself.....
Way too much work to keep these guys......whew!!!!
Not to derail Minnies thread...but I am glad you are doing better
you really sound like it.....
Way too much work to keep these guys......whew!!!!
Not to derail Minnies thread...but I am glad you are doing better
you really sound like it.....
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Good one Minnie...
In my opinion....
It's about taking care of ourselves.....
And allowing other people to take care of themselves...
Our codependant culture has it all screwed up with the current belief that I at least bought into ... or it could have been my disease... ;o)
.... that people in relationships have to "possess" each other.
As soon as the relationship is declared... then a set of expectations come out... and the lines are drawn.
Going into a relationship completely accepting the person they way they are and making a conscious decision to never mess with that person's destiny... allowing them to rise or fall according to what they are putting out there...
That is living non-codependantly.. the way I take it.
In my opinion....
It's about taking care of ourselves.....
And allowing other people to take care of themselves...
Our codependant culture has it all screwed up with the current belief that I at least bought into ... or it could have been my disease... ;o)
.... that people in relationships have to "possess" each other.
As soon as the relationship is declared... then a set of expectations come out... and the lines are drawn.
Going into a relationship completely accepting the person they way they are and making a conscious decision to never mess with that person's destiny... allowing them to rise or fall according to what they are putting out there...
That is living non-codependantly.. the way I take it.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: IA
Posts: 18
very helpful post
I have read many things on SB that have helped me but this post has helped me the most. I have been having such a hard time with detatchment and putting it to use in my life with my sober husband. Its so hard to understand how to make it work in my day to day life. I am going to print this post off and read it alot. Is there a book that help to explain this better?? What book has helped you all deal with your al-anon program the best?? Thanks so much.. Mary
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Property lines can be very hard to determine when we find ourselves all enmeshed in another person's life.
It then becomes a matter of untangling the mess and discovering what is ours and what is theirs.
We then begin building healthier relationships where we don't pick up what's theirs to begin with.
Good post Minnie.
I think the property lines passage is a "must read" for any codependant.
It then becomes a matter of untangling the mess and discovering what is ours and what is theirs.
We then begin building healthier relationships where we don't pick up what's theirs to begin with.
Good post Minnie.
I think the property lines passage is a "must read" for any codependant.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
*BUMP*
I have read on a few threads that some are struggling with detachment at the moment. I don't have time to start a new thread, but thought I'd bump this up for the time being instead.
I have read on a few threads that some are struggling with detachment at the moment. I don't have time to start a new thread, but thought I'd bump this up for the time being instead.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: dennis, ms
Posts: 28
Yeah I needed this thread. For I still sometimes catch myself obsessing over my ex who is about to get remarried and I know it will not last for he will do her like he did me. But that is really not something that I need to worry about for it will be his mess to fix not mine.
Still working on my issues and still backsliding(sp) some too.
Still working on my issues and still backsliding(sp) some too.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus Ga
Posts: 68
This is a great post. I'd just started to learn that with the help of a friend and gave him back some of his property by sitting down and explaining how his actions affected me. It was a cleansing experience. Hearing about all the drama and heartbreak as it came from my lips really brought the reality home of how I had allowed myself to begin to live and also gave me insight into the fact that I didn't want to live that way.
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