sunshine003

I know this is rushed and others have said that maybe I'm not ready or I'll do it when I'm ready. But I feel that if I stay, I'll never be ready. I'll sit here in my own self doubt thinking it'll get better or allow myself to deny the reality just because we've had a good month.

Truth is, maybe I need to rush it. Maybe I need to just go and start my own process of healing. One that isn't happening here with him close to me. Funny but when left to my own devices, I see so clearly. I see that this is how it will always be. But when I talk about what's bothering me with him (even though I'm not completely honest with him because I don't tell him exactly what I think/feel), when I let him in just a little, that is when I begin to doubt myself.

If I look back on our relationship, I see a lot of the same. He'll promise not to do something and maybe he won't do that exact same thing but he'll just change it to something else while drinking.

He can be a nice drunk or a mean drunk during a binge. He can be a happy fun person or crazy and wanting to fight anyone. He can say the nicest stuff or the most degrading. Funny, the next day I don't mention all the filth he spoke but I sure hurt from it. I resent it.

It isn't going to change, he isn't going to get help this time and in a few short months, he's going to drink again. Maybe I could "detach" and wouldn't sit here worried sick that he's gonna kill himself or get arrested or god only knows what but you know what? I don' t want to have to learn how to do that. I don't want to get on with my life with him and just detach from "his problem" during a binge, I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to sit here while he harms himself or others and say, "it's his problem, I'm not going to worry about it." I don't want to.

I don't want any of my children to walk out the door at the age of 18 and think I didn't pick them over AH. I don't want them to have no respect for me once they have a mind of their own. I don't want them to ask, "why did you let us grow up with an alcoholic."

I'm going to leave because I want to be proud of myself. I'm not proud of myself here. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I've put up with most of this stuff. I'm ashamed that I said to myself, "when he's sober he's a different person, he wouldn't have done that sober." who cares if he wouldn't have, he did it just the same. I don't want to sit around thinking he'll get there someday and I want to be on the other end because a life with him sober would be wonderful....what if his timeline isn't any time soon?

I want to leave and feel at peace with that decision. I want to feel proud of it and hug my kids knowing I did it to protect them from thinking this is normal or okay. Right now, they are young and although do not know about "alcoholism" , I don't want them to grow up thinking it's normal to be spineless like I've been.

L8YNRED

You do what you feel is best for you and your children and stand proud.

It is okay to protect yourself and your children from the chaos and grief of living with active alcoholism.

If you feel like it is the right time, then it isn't rushing anything.

My mother did not leave my alcoholic father. She never stopped loving him until long after he left her for another woman and ultimately died from alcohol related accident. I do not blame her for anything she did or did not do. She is only a human being who was doing the best she could do at the time with the knowledge and tools she had available to her.

Seems to me that kids will forgive their parents for all kinds of mistakes as long as they know that they are loved.

GettingBy

I too hope you find peace in your decision because there's no such thing as a right or wrong decision Sunshine. We each have to do what's best for us and that means evaluating things in the here and now. You're doing that. You're making a decision that works for you and your children. No one can ever judge you for that.

Go ahead and feel proud of yourself because right now you're taking control of the things that matter most!

Hugs,
Shannon

ASpouse

Well, I know that I am proud of you! I don't know what else to say except be easy on yourself. This type of situation comes up on us so gradually, we don't even know it's there until it's too late. You are doing fine and good luck with leaving.

sunshine003

Thanks you guys.

Don't get me wrong, I do have reservations, I dread the heartbreak. But I want to surround myself with those who care about me. I want to feel safe from all the doubts that haunt me. I want to let go of the nightmares and I have such a hard time doing that here. I can't let go of what isn't acknowledged.

My moms words play over and over in my mind. She was visiting one time and AH decided to pull one of his disappearing acts. The next morning when he strolled on in he of course had to play mad at me in order to not face the consequence of pulling an all nighter. He said the most horrible things. He didn't know (neither did I) that my mom heard everything he said.

After he went to sleep (at 9 am), she came out of her room crying. I asked her what was wrong knowing she could see the hurt on my face. She walked up to me, hugged me while she cried and said in my ear, "Honey, he does NOT love you but I do and I have your entire life. I have never broken a promise to you and I promise you that you can get over him, you'll find someone who loves you and then understand the difference." She kissed me, cleaned herself up and we went on with our day.

I just remember the pain in her voice and could feel it on her heart. The things she heard someone say to her baby and she was broken. I'd feel like that if my daughter was with someone who was capable of saying those things.

LaTeeDa

(((Hugs))) to you and best wishes on doing what is right for you and your children. You sound very strong and determined in the face of something that is difficult. Stay strong, and come back here for support.

You say you are leaving because it is too hard to detach when you are with hime. I can understand that perfectly. But, remember, you still need to detach even if you are not living in the same house. You can do it, and I'm sure you will be fine.

L

sunshine003

yes la tee da, you are right.. I will have to detach even away, I'm sure I will struggle and need the support of here and others around me. Thank you for your kind words and reminder that just because I leave doesn't mean I'll be away from my thoughts or not be just as wrapped up in the drama. I just feel it'll be easier for me to do so, to get to where I need to be away from here. He isn't where I am, he doesn't acknowlege his role in this. He more says what he has to at the time to just get out of trouble only to take it back days later. I don't want to expose myself to the constant "joking" about how I am to blame for this or that. I want to be safe from hearing it outwardly and work on not thinking it internally.

kermit

You go girl!! I 'm doing the samething, I kicked his but out and did it for the sake of me and the kids. I do'nt want my kids to think this behavior is okay I want them to that Mommys okay wtih out Daddy. and so are we. Stay strong! come back during the bad times.. We're here..Your kids will love you for this!

minnie

((((sunshine)))

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of people I know who have left and regretted it. And I don't know anyone among the dozens of others who doesn't wish they had done it sooner.

Lean on us, hon. You will be just fine.

cwohio

((sunshine)) - you are brave and strong. you are doing what you feel is right and what many of us agonize/agonized over for a long time. i pray for your serenity and clarity.

pmaslan

I too stayed far too long in a relationship that was full of drama, lies and chaos.
Each time I decided to leave he came up with yet another reason not to.
I bought into it over and over again. It isn't an easy choice, as anyone in any type of a bad relationship could understand.
I have not regretted it. I knew I had to save one of us and that one was me.
You know your situation and you know how much you can and are willing to tolerate.
The first step is always the hardest, but it does get better...
You are on your way to a better life IMO......

sunshine003

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to read and reread all the kind words! It's very touching. Funny how you can find so much love and reassurance from those you don't even know.

When I begin to doubt myself or my strength, it is a wonderful feeling to find it again through ya'lls kind words. I figure when I run out of it, IF I think I'm running out, I'll just borrow some.

sunshine003

The only "guilt" induced thing I will have to live with is I will be moving out of state. All my family/friends/support do not live here. I will feel guilty for taking the kids so far away. I have three children, two of them are not his, they are from a previous marriage. So it's just the baby that is his. I guess I don't feel I'm harming her as she is so young. But by staying I feel I'm harming them, especially the two that aren't his, the two that did not ask for him....makes it harder to stay. You see, their father is NOT an alcoholic.

NewHorizons

I have stayed way too long in a bad relationship, I have one daughter who turned 18 and got married to a loser alcoholic and is repeating all my patterns and that breaks my heart to pieces.
After 10 years with this guy I can take an honest look back and see the damage I did to my kids by staying with them and the shame and guilt is unbearable, it is a very very heavy load. I can honestly say I betrayed my children for this man.
If you can make a clean break without putting yourself in danger, you deserve it and so do your kids. You will not regret it. You may feel some twinges of wishing things could have worked out, but if you stay, you will have many many regrets.

pmaslan

Nothing to feel guilty about...if he didn't make the choice to drink and
run interfence in your relationship, you wouldn't be leaving.
That is his choice,
and this is yours.

sunshine003

yes pmaslan , you're very right! okay, feeling all empowered again!

TexasGirl

Sunshine, I am so proud of your strength and determination! That is an inspiration to me!

sunshine003

Thanks texasgirl. It'll take me about two weeks to be gone but I am gonna make the deadline. When I do and if I suffer the initial shock and sadness,please remind me of my strength aand that I did the right thing, I am sure to need it! Until then, I am going to move forward.

elizabeth1979

Sunshine,

Very brave and healthy perhaps, although not an easy decision! Im happy for your happiness. I thought I couldnt handle it. Im ok. Im painting my bedroom walls a new color this weekend.
Why?
Becuase I can!
Some bonuses...
You can buy the groceries you want
You can watch whatever you want on tv
You can have the whole bed to yourself
You can focus on you and your kids

Have you started planning your move?

sunshine003

Thanks elisabeth. Yes, I have. He doesn't know it yet as I figure it's better to tell him right before in order to avoid as much as the manipulation as possible. I don't think he'll talk me out of it but I think he'll try to manipulate me and get me to beg him to let me stay...that whole turn around is so hard for me not to get sucked into.

I'll be able to move within the next two weeks.