hittwice

Sunshine, I totally relate how hard it is to have a "support system". The buck stopped with me, myself and I. Mine sulked too, it is part of the "isolation" tactics.

When "dependant" on their money, for us and our babies, often we can not just "show up" on someone's door expecting to be helped, mentally yes, financially not always. My parents simply could not afford, on fixed incomes, nor did they have the room, for me and four children. (we could live in a tent and eat beans?)

I sometimes wish I would have opted for that, looking back, than the emotional hell his "heavy drinking phase" subjected us to. Do not be too hard on yourself, as it is very very hard (I couldn't do it) to give up our home security and all our things, and relocate our children (and if old enough THEY complain loudly) to new schools without THEIR things.

What I didn't know then and do now, is that EMOTIONAL health, yours and their is far more important to any THINGS we may have or be able to give them. I know that sounds silly to someone outside the problem, but the logistics to relocate even the THINGS we need or the basics for everyday functioning, is overwhelming. It is the "tie" that binds us to our "sick" husbands and the "sick" enviroment. Especially if there is no physical abuse, or it is "part time drinking". We finally recognize the cyclical nature, and I too ask myself, "Is it really that bad?" for twenty years off and on. Yes, it was really that bad, the sheer lonliness of dealing with the "what the heck is going on" really took an emotional toll on me and my children, even if all our "other needs" were met. They still have some scars from his early emotional neglect while he overworked and (snuck in his parties).

I really really understand how hard mentally and physically (moving yourself and them out) while having one on each hip etc. is. Raising children is a huge task, especially physically on you, without this total BULL. I had no one in the state to help me at the time, he was already paying child support (so what would I get?) and so I let it convince me to stay. Just too overwhelming to do otherwise.

My few friends had their own "problems" as did my siblings. My parents already helped my sister, and had very few financial resources to begin with. If your "drinker" makes too much money, it is next to impossible to qualify for any state agency help, especially if still married.

We must be very careful to keep up with all laws ourselves regarding care of our children during this very stressful time or WE are in trouble with the law (I am talking about just getting our kids to school on time).

Yes, the odds against a successful "relocation" for us, while the drinker get the home( even temporiarly) are just about overwhelming. You are right to look to your kids for emotional strength, to remind you that you need to take a stand, and look to protect them "mentally" first. Your are also right, to not over worry what next? If you "overthink" a thing you can get the "deer in the headlight" inaction that guarentees you "more of the same".

No one says this leaving HAS to be permanant. That is for YOU to decide. You are really not doing any real favors to YOU or them to stay under the current "terms" he is setting. No one should accept irresponsibility from a spouse, no matter what it is. I know that now, and I now it would have gone on as long as I was in the devil and deep blue sea of financial/emotional bankruptcy therfore dependant o him. I opted to wait till his retirement pension was "available" to me, and I felt I had earned my half. Just knowing it is there for me has made a huge difference in what I will and won't TAKE, excuse, allow, or feel threatened by, (and he knows it too)

Once "outta there" you can then begin to think more rationally (to his irresponsible and irrational "brainwash" or lies, or excuses). This will be a great help to you in your decision making. I got these "lightbulb" moments when he would go "out of town". If he (your binger) is around everyday, it is very hard to "think straight", especially as they woo and wow you back into "the game" during the sober periods.

I had many false stops and starts, and that contributed to my "ignorance" as to what was making it so hard to stay on an even plane relationship wise (duh alcohol use!)
Remind yourself of the cyclical nature and how AWFUL the not sober part is. No one should have that emotional yo yo and be trying to raise babies. It keeps your focus off your children and you (which is essential) and more onto HIM and his problems and actions. NOT GOOD.

Look at this as a measure for sanity for you and them. Don't worry about the long term right now, you just CAN'T get emotionally bogged in trying to solve everything at once.
The five basic things all humans need food, water, shelter, security, acceptance etc. Make those your gospel and check em off the list, and when THAT is figured out, then and only then revisit what the long term solutions are. You cannot think EVERYTHING through, or it will defeat the purpose and you will be tempted to "go back" too soon for you, kids or him.

Hope this helps

mythreesons

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This is a great site to check out all of your legal options. There are attorneys on there that will answer your questions.

Hugs