nytepassion

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During dinner tonight ... while standing in the kitchen getting food to eat .. My daugther begins to talk to me about her dad ( for those of you who do not know ... he lost his life to meth) she begins to tell me her thoughts ... She shares that she was thinking about him and she thought "It must be nice up there ... in heaven" she reflects and says she still remembers how he smelled to her ... and how sometimes she can smell something that reminders her of him ...

She has his hat hanging on her wall in her bedroom and she told me it still smells like him ... sometimes she goes into her room and just smells it to get his scent ...

The tears that were welled up have begun to flow ... She goes onto say how much she misses him and how it is just so messed up that he died ... that he isn't there ...

She has tried to mask her feelings ... to go on like he was still out there somewhere ... like he was still around .... but deep down she knows he is not ..

He isn't here anymore mom ... I wish things turned out different ... I hug her and say " I know baby ... I do to"

She wonders if he died thinking she was mad at him ... (because he was supposed to drive her to Colorado, but got high and when a friend of ours confronted him ... he got mad, denied it ... and then said, He was outta there ... He left and didn't take her to Colorado ... She was upset with him because she knew he was high ... he knew she was upset ... and she feels guilty that she didn't get to reconcile with him before his death ...

Her pouring tears are now little streams running down her cheeks ...

Do you know how bad it hurts when your child comes to you and you can see hurt in her face ... her eyes filled with heartbreak ... her voice speaks pain ...

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A life lost because the words spoken by loved ones couldn't be heard over the voice of his addiction ...

He died as label a transient meth addict "Junkie" with no next of kin ... (they didn't know about the family he had living else where because they had already been left in the dust of meth ...

My heart wants to say this to you ADDICT ... You, the ones that have people that love you ... You know, those pain in the a$$ ones that are always bytchin atcha about your addiction ... The one's that you want to get off your back and leave ya the ** alone ... Yeah thats us ...

Take the time and read my daughters heart one more time ... If you don't listen up this could be your child next ...

You say you love your kids? You don't wanna hurt em' anymore? If you don't listen up someone could be writing this about you ... "The Ultimate Hurt" "A Life-time Hurt" "A .. Ain't no more chances to make it all better HURT"

I literally felt like I was going to choke on my own heart as she poured out hers ...

I find myself angry at him all over again ... because even in death his addiction continues on hurting people ...

This man is dead but the pain that his addiction caused is very much alive in the lives of those who loved him.

LISTEN UP ADDICT ... Do you HEAR ME?

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Your following the Devils ***** right to your grave ...

Psssst, I hear that ain't no meth in the after world ... You're gonna have to stop sooner or later ...

DID YA HEAR ME ADDICT ... THERE AIN'T NO METH IN THE AFTERLIFE

I plead with you now ... Please Stop Before You Do This To Your Child


Passion
8/05
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Done_With_It

Umm, I'm not even sure what to say to all that. It's overwhelming to say the least. Even as I read that I was wishing I could take your daughters pain away.

I will have 11 weeks free of Meth on Tuesday. I know in my heart I will never go back to it. I miss it more than I could ever ever begin to explain. I struggled last night and today. I was so frustrated at one point, I wanted to cry. I wanted to get some so bad..... Last night instead of buying some, I went to Cafe Central and bitc*ed about it, then I slept, and woke up today and finished what I was doing without the meth. Just lots of deep breaths.

Posts like this are what keep me going strong. I hate that your tragedy is what inspires me, but if it helps you to know, You DO help me by posting stuff like this.

I'm on both sides of the fence, I understand your X and his meth drive, but I also understand your side. If I wasn't a meth user before? This "meth thing" would leave me so much more confused.

I feel for your daughter. She must feel like he chose the meth over her. I hope she knows that's not true. Meth is a different thing, it just takes a grip of someone and changes them.

I got out in time, Even though I didn't hear my family/friends complaining, crying, etc. about my meth habit, I knew if they knew about it, It would destroy them. It's people like you who will continue to spread the message to people like me who need to hear it, again and again and again.....

Give your daughter a big hug for me. Thank god she has you and thank god she is talking and getting those feelings out.
Her story is inspiring and I bet she could help many people if she ever decides to share it.

Thank you for posting this.

air force

need to talk to anyone who's fighting coke in houston

Done_With_It

Air force, you can go to the top of the forum and start a new post, you'll get more help by doing that.

KelKel

Air Force...
In the mean time have you thought about NA in your area?

Houston NA

Hang in there buddy......

veryscared

nytepassion, I could not even finish reading your post because it hurts me so bad to know that I have 2 children that I could have left behind and that some people don't make it through this hell of addiction. I will read the rest in a few days when I think I can handle it. Thank you for putting that together in words what you and your daughter are feeling. People need to hurt before they can heal and I think you will make a lot of people hurt with this.

KelKel

My heart goes out to you and your daughter... I pray that you both can heal and get past the horrors of addiction.

BeginAgain

nytepassion I was moved by your post. I have two children ages 5 & 14 and any time I see an innocent child hurting so badly it rips my heart out. I am an addict on my journey back from a relapse. I actually thought about what it would do to my husband and children many times during my relapse, but thankfully my imagination was enough. I never want them to experience this kind of pain and nothing they or my husband did contributed to the mess I made of myself....and nothing they did could have saved me - I had to do that for myself.

Don't listen to anyone who would tell you that you could have changed this. Addicts have to want to get well for themselves and no amount of force, manipulation or guilt is going to push them into recovery if it's not where they want to be. It is unfair that one person finds the desire to heal and the next doesn't...I wish it weren't that way. We have lost many people on the road to hell and it always hurts so badly - I cannot imagine what you and your family have endured.

Your story is very moving and hopefully it will rattle someone to their very core and help them take a look at themselves...if it saves just one life taking the time to type that story and share your pain would maybe be a blessing to someone elses son or daughter.

Thank you for sharing and I am hoping for healing, peace and comfort in your life and in your daughters life.

choppedlow

Same boat, different drug. I just got custody of a three year old boy, and a seven year old boy. Their mom is strung out some place. I just quit Methadone cold turkey, and am on my, no, today makes nine days since I had my last dose. I was at the Arizona highest legal limit. I feel like Im going to die, but I would rather be half alive right now, and play Thomas the Tank Engine with my kids. Your post could move a Mt.

BigSis

Passion... thanks for sharing this, you are touching many you will never know.

AirForce - I hope you can come back in and post more in a new thread - there is a lot of help here.

ChoppedLow - thank you for choosing your children and your life.

school

hi all i am new to this my husband is in rehab and back in 2 weeks

Alycia

wow...breath taking!! Same exact thing, death, my kids dad...same boat totally!

Here4Him

Your post has affected me in such a visceral way, I am truly just an emotional mess right now. I think those of us that are mothers just want to take your children in our arms and shelter them from any more pain in the world.You too, for that matter!
I also read your memorial page and what a creation of love and understanding that page is.
Your children are going to be OK...I know they are. I believe they have the best of both you and their father flowing through their veins and that this is but a heartbreaking lesson they had to learn in order to make the most of the rest of their lives.
I wish you and your children the best that life has to offer and someday for you all to remember him without pain or anger or doubt of his loving you to the best of his ability.

Cindi R

I'm so sorry for your loss...
Grateful recovering meth addict since 8/15/01.
I've lost many friends in the program since then...but none as close as a father or a spouse.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter.