android

i cant believe this. im getting ready to detox from painkillers for the 2nd time in less than 3 months.
i used regularly for about 3 years, then went cold-turkey.... then relapsed... now im back to the begining of a long 7 days.
i hope it wont be as bad as the first time.
can someone share some wisdom or advice please. im ready to quite forever.
i flushed the rest of my bottle because i wanted to experience the worst withdrawal ever... so i will never go back to taking them again.
thanks

android

when i think about it, it is going to be worse this time.
im stuck alone in my apartment. everyone has moved on. everyone has changed for the better. i hope when this is over i can change for the better.
i know i can.

Eagle1

Do you want to change? You don't need the worst withdrawl symptoms to never use again. you need to really want to stop/change your life.

Do it !! Stay clean.

notready

Remember, smile things could be worse......didn't smile and things got worse.......smile things could be better, smiled and things are getting better all the time.

android

"worst withdrawal ever" ill be eating my words by tomorrow.
i will make it through, not because i will, but because this time i really want to find myself again.

Eagle1

By his Blood.You say 20-25. Not that it matters but do you mean mg's or 20-25 pills. I can't even imagine the hell of that withdrawl.

android

good call eagle1, before i was a 80-120 mgs of hydro and 80-160 of oxy a day guy. that withdrawl was a trip through hell. not that it matters but if it is 20-25 pills and he didnt suffer all that much, that makes me feel better already, really. this time around i kept it under 80mgs a day but for only 3 months, before it was 3 years. my last dose was 4 hours ago, so time will tell. i just have to keep my focus on getting better and living life. im looking forward to getting my motivation and desire back. im also looking forward to reviving my creativity and spirit.
thanks- by his blood and eagle1
ill check back in later.

android

oh yeah and hopefully my memory will improve too.

angelgirl

Android,

Welcome to SR!!! So good to meet you!! So glad you finally found us here, we can be a great support system for you, if you let us.. But it's really important that you get a support system outside of SR as well.. That is really super important. There are many sources of support out there, there is NA,
there are different types of day treatment groups. ( like day treatment, IOP, which is Intensive outpatient treatment), I attend Celebrate Recovery, it's a Christian 12 step group, I love it, and it has helped me SO much, I can't even tell you.. I also have a drug and alcohol counselor through a mental health clinic in my area, and also a therapist. I also attend dual diagnosis, for my anxiety/depression issues and my drug addiction. This may sound like alot, but ya know what? I have been clean for almost 10 months now.

Quote:

i cant believe this. I'm getting ready to detox from painkillers for the 2nd time in less than 3 months

Oh, I can believe it. That's for sure. You are an addict android, and unless
you are completely ready to do whatever it takes to get clean, you may continue to relapse, just like I did,,.

I couldn't put together 2 months before. A year ago, I thought I was going to die, so did my counselor. I never, ever would have imagined that a year later, I would be saying I have almost 10 months clean I was in and out of treatment and detox SO many times, that they told me not to come back at some of the centers. It was that bad. I would get clean, some times, make it 2 months, some times make it 2 days, some times 2 weeks, but I always went back.. I flushed my drugs so many times, only to wish I never had done that.

It takes us alot to get clean. We have to surrender our will. Addicts have a really hard time doing that. We want everything when we want it. Like, right now. Getting clean, and changing our lives doesn't happen over night, it is a process, it takes a long time.

BUT, the good news is that life gets so much better... Yes, it's hard in the beginning, but everyday it gets easier. We take our lives day by day. Ask any addict here, they will tell you the same thing, it's a day by day process. No one even knows what tomorrow will bring, or if we will even be clean, we assume we will, but no one is sure. Sometimes we take life minute by minute, sometimes second, by second.

We will be here for you. I do hope you stick around. You can make it through this. Have you checked with a doctor for meds? They have meds to make detox much easier. You don't have to suffer severely, in order to stay clean, it's about really wanting to stop, not about suffering. I suffered alot, I didn't go to the hospital every time, but I always went back to drugs after the suffering,. Some do detox at home, but you never know who may have a hidden health problem. The pain killers mask the pain we have, and we don't always know if something is wrong with us, and when we detox, we never know if something else could go wrong, that's why it's best to get checked out by a doctor, you can never be too safe, but you can wish you had..

Remember, God is listening to you..
Keep talking to him.. You can do it 24/7, he is always there
for you.. He will never leave you, no matter what.

Love and prayers,
Becky

KelKel

Hi and Welcome.... reaching out to others (groupology) is a good place to start.

Eagle1

Sex life gets better also......sorry girls. No offence

angelgirl

Yes it does... But not always right away.. If you don't know about PAWS,, you might want to read up on it.. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Symptoms that last after the initial withdrawal. It was once a belief that only alcoholics suffered from PAWS, but not any longer, addicts also suffer from the same effects, which only makes sense, the drugs effect our brains as well. Some symptoms include Memory loss (big one), anxiety, insomnia, ( another big one), depression.. etc.. Nothing to be afraid of, it just makes sense to know,, that way, when you experience the symptoms, you aren't freaking out, and wondering why?? Or thinking you re going crazy, it's just a normal process, and it will get better. They say it can last up to 10 years, at least they taught me that in treatment, but I don't know the effects would be that terribly noticeable for that long. Maybe somewhat if you had alot of damage? I am no expert.

Please, if you know nothing about it, check it out. I have a long post here on SR about it,. But so do others. You can do a search here on SR, or you can do one on the net.



No offense taken, LOL,, it's true, it does improve, how could it not.. We were so numb while using.

agent alias

I like this thread! Angelgirl- can you tell me more about day treatment IOP? I work full time though and is that possible?

PillAddict88

Hello all. I thought I would share my story.
I have been addicted to pain killers for about 4 years now. It started years ago when I smoked weed and drank. My friend opened a huge bottle of vicoden and muscle relaxers and handed me a few of each. It was the best feeling I ever had. I knew instantly that I had found what I had been looking for. Fast forward 5 years and another friend hurt thier back and had thousands of vicodens laying around to sell me. I bought 200 that night. Next thing I know I am on a 400 Vicoden ES pill a month habit. Fast forward 2 years and she is getting even more pills now but they are morphine. Now I know why they called it "Gods own Medicine". Its so strong and gives the best high I have ever had, only with the worst price to pay. Over the next year I ramped up to 900 milligrams of morphine a day (15 30mg pills twice a day). I have gone through countless cold turkey withdrawals. Each time it took something out of me. The first time I made it a week. The fourth was a month long hell of cold sweats, 2 hour a day sleep, dreams of hooking up pills only to wake up and wish I were still asleep. I was curled in a ball and couldnt stop moving my legs every second of every minute of every day for a month. I finally snapped. I couldn't take one more second. To this day I don't know how I ever lasted more than a couple hours.

I now have found a methadone hookup. I refuse to go to a Methadone clinic. I have lost my car and cant deal with the daily commute to a clinic. I get it cheaper than a program could provide it. I have a court date in about 3 weeks and am trying to figure a way to deal with it. I will most likely do a little time and know I will not be able to handle Methadone withdrawals. Which I am told can be far worse than heroin. I have no desire to get High anymore. Probably because I am on the Methadone and my friend OD'ed a few months ago and has been in the hospital ever since. He will probably die. I dont feel anything when I take it. Only pain and unbeleivable anxiety when I don't. Has anyone been able to kick methadone? I need to have some hope here.

AngelLove

Hello Android and PillAddict88.....I just ran across your posts and wanted to let you both know that I am really sending positive thoughts and prayers your way as you go through the process of withdrawal. I know it must be unbearable sometimes and the hardest thing to get through, BUT your determination and sincerity is obvious and your desire to heal and have a better life is touching my heart. Your lives are so precious!! You deserve to finally be free of this problem so you can move on and grow and do all the wonderful things life has waiting for you..Peace, joy, creativity, beauty...so many blessings are there for you,...Your courage in the midst of your pain and fear is amazing and I am trully humbled. Thank you both for sharing...I wish you only the best and want you to know I am pulling for you and that I care......AngelLove

PillAddict88

Thank-you so much AngelLove. That means a lot. I am sorry if It looked like I am trying to hijack your thread Android. I just thought I was in a similar situation.

android

yes it is a similar situation, im glad you found this thread.
all i can say right now is that the oblivion-hell cycle will continue unless you just stop taking the opiates all together.
a week ago at this time i was feeling like i was invinciable, now i feel so small i cant even... you guys know.
i think you truly do damage to your brain and spirit when your high for a prolonged period, then your coming down and withdrawling for another long period, then you go back to using then come down again and so on.
thanks AngelLove and good luck to you PillAddict88.

PillAddict88

Thanks Android. I hope you the best of luck as well. I know exactly what you mean. You feel so strong like you can do anything until the withdrawals start. Then you feel like you are nothing. Just know that what you are doing makes you one of the strongest people around. Others who have not experienced this will never understand. It takes a truly strong person to stare addiction in the face and accept the withdrawals. You can do it. You have the will and the power. Dont give up.

android

Its been 48hrs since my last dose. I feel like crap. The world is different since the last time I went through this. There is no more hiding behind band-aids. There is no more hiding period. I just hope when I finally face myself head-on, Im who I used to be before the drugs.

android

I feel better than yesterday! Im guessing two more days and some things will be done.