rhonda

I am so desperate and lonely. My husband of 10 years has become addicted to meth. He is not the same person and he is no longer a husband to me or a father to my kids. I love him with everything I have and feel I would be giving up on him to get out of the madness. He never comes home anymore because he is always working. Sometimes he goes 3 or 4 days without coming home. Then when he gets here all he does is sleep. He introduced me to it and I do it sometimes but I am ready to stop. We have 2 kids and I hate what he has done to our family. He is in complete denial and says that it is a tool and too many people depend on him. There is no way he could do what he has to in a day without it. I know that is an excuse. He has become distant most of the time and hateful when he is here. My problem is that I don't know if I wait for him to be ready to quit and remain miserable until then or leave him and give up. He has said he has a problem once and broke down crying to me. He has not admitted it to me again and gets very mad when I try to talk to him. I do it too so it's not like I don't know that it would be hard but I have a family to save and I don't know how to do it. Somebody please talk to me.

sad and lonely

MagdaM

what the **** kind of hob does your husband have that he needs to do meth to do it?

more people wiser than me will be along to help you---for know know tat i am thinking of you and wishing you the best. and imho you should get you and your kids (OR AT THE VERY LEAST YOUR KIDS) out of his presence ASAP. they don't deserve to be there a second more and you know it.

It might be a wake-up call to your husband and then maybe you can see about getting him the help he needs. Meth is vicious. I don't even go there and that's saying something. For the love of god have the courage to take this as seriously as you know it needs to be taken and remove your children from this situation. At the least they shouldn't have to see it, and at the worst they could pay for it in the worst way

rhonda

He rebuilds custom autos and he does the meth because he becomes superman at work and can knock out lots of work and make lots of money. He also has animals at our property that he has to tend to everyday and he has to put in at least 100 miles every day just for work and the animals. He does have a very busy schedule and so do I. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him and I probably am. He stays away because he knows he has a problem and he doesn't want the kids to see it. They have no idea. They are not mistreated or neglected. (at least not from anything but a father and if I leave they still wont have that) They idolize him and he is great when he is with them, its just not very often. He is suffering from depression too. I honestly think that if I leave he will fall much deeper and we still have lost him. He is a good person just fell into a bad way. I know he wants out of this mess but it is hard. I feel that as his wife I need to find a way to support him.

You would not want your entire family to bail on you, would you?

Family is what you need most when you are down.

angelgirl

Hey Rhonda!!

Welcome to SR Great to have you here.. I am so happy you found this place.. You will find that there is much support here. I know SR has been a great help to me. I am sure it will be for you as well.

I am sorry to hear about your husband. Drug addiction is a terrible thing.

But, you need to be concerned about you, and your children. He will take care of himself. See, I am an addict, when we are trapped in our addiction, we don't think like we do, when we were once, before we were using. We change alot. Addiction changes our lives ALOT. It makes us do things to the people we love (including ourselves), that we just never would ever have done, had it not been for the addiction. But once we have the addiction, that becomes our whole life, it is really all we care about.

I know that hurts, and you may not be ready to believe that yet, but, believe
me, I am no different than any other drug addict,,. It is true.

I am going to give you a thread to read, that will be very, very beneficial for you.. I would hope that you will read it. I am also going to recommend that you check out the Naranon forum,, and also the friends and family of alcoholics. The people there are absolutely wonderful. They understand so well what you are going through,, They are the family members that have put up with the drug addicts like us, here on the Substance abuse forum.

Here is the thread, please, please read it.. It may help you understand, Adan believe me, it is all true.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-39699.html

I can tell you that, you don't necessarily have to leave yet. You can get help though, and you really should. There are many, many places for you to get help. They will not report your husband to the police either, so you don't have to worry about that. But, please, get yourself some help. That way, you know how to deal with him, the right way. Sometimes, people that love the addict in the family, actually help make the addicts problem worse, but NOT ON purpose,, it's only because they love the addict, and they don't know how to go about dealing with them the right way.

There is Nar-anon meetings you can go to. You can also go check out a drug and alcohol counselor. They can also help you, even though you don't have the problem. I attend a group called Celebrate Recovery,, it's a 12 step Christian based group, if they have any in your area, you could attend one of those. Also, I believe if they have an OPEN meeting for NA, you could also attend one of those meetings. You could learn much from a meeting like that as well. But I do think if you can find a Nar-anon meeting in your area, that would be your best bet. You will learn ALOT at those meetings, about how to take care of yourself, and how to stay sane, while dealing with an addict. I know, it is so difficult. I am the addict. I know what I put my family through,.
I now regret every minute of it.. But back then, I didn't really think about it as much. Or, I just thought it didn't affect them as much as it really did.

But please, also know that, kids are very smart, you may think that they don't know anything is going on, but they really do know more than you think they do. Kids are very smart. They pick up on alot. They will love their dad ALOT, but that doesn't mean that they still won't be hurt by the things he is doing. They see when he is hurting you. Don't fool yourself into believing that they don't know, because they probably do, unless they are little babies.

You are a wonderful wife. But that doesn't mean that you need to deal with a bunch of crap. Sometimes an addict has to hit bottom, before he will change anything. Sometimes a wonderful family member hinders that "hitting bottom" ,, unintentionally, when they are just trying to help, by doing to much for the addict..

I hope something I have said makes sense to you, and helps you some. But please, do check into the Nar-anon forum, and please, get yourself some support. Don't go on like this,, you are only hurting yourself, and enabling your husband.

Please, keep posting..

We are here for you, anytime.

Prayers for you..

Love,
Becky

rhonda

Thanks Angelgirl for your thoughts. I was so upset by MagdaM's comments. I don't need to be lectured right now. I need support and to understand. Yes my kids do see that I am hurting and they know that we are not his priority but they don't know why. My dad was an alcoholic and he never put my mother or us kids first. He would rather be wasted drunk somewhere. I know exactly how my kids must feel. But I knew that it was alcohol. There is no way I can talk to them and help them to know why their daddy doesn't come home anymore. I also read the thread you attached and WOW! That pretty much says it. My husband still goes to work, brings home his paycheck, and takes care of his responsibilities. (all except me and the kids emotional needs from him) He also doesn't steal from me. Maybe he is not an addict in the full extent of the word but I know that he would rather play superman on speed than be with us.

He also has a DWI and this coming weekend he has a 3 day class to attend including a drug and alcohol evaluation. I am curious to see if they will see right through him. He is even on probation and has to report monthly. So the week before is when we get him back and the day after his appointment he's gone for the week. I guess these things are keeping him from being able to hit bottom and I just wonder how long he can stay on the balance beam. I am happy for the probation appointments keeping him in the middle but at the same time I think it would be nice for him to hit bottom now so we can start to move forward.

I also think that if I quit holding on and leave him that just might be his rock bottom. I think knowing that we will always be here for him is keeping him from facing the facts. Just the pain of leaving and the sleepless nights that I will go through wondering if he is OK are my worst fear. I will be hurting and he will plunge.

Luckyv2

((((((Rhonda))))))

My name is Vic and I am an addict I am so glad that you are here. What we suffer from is the disease of addiction. We are not bad people, we are sick people. Some of us are trying to get well and yet others will never get well. It is just life. Lately my life has been a living hell I think and yet when I look back at where I used to be, now I am seeing that my life today really isn't that bad compared to what you are seeing and what I have lived.

My DOC was meth also and both my wife (now ex) and myself both used it. I was always the one that would start. My wife was off of it one time for almost 5 years when I brought it back into the house. I went for a two year run on it and fell really hard. I was locked up and I ended up taking a plea bargain just to get out of jail. When I went home the kids came running out, the dog came running out, but no wife came running out. When I went in the house she said Vic I don't want you here. I had no where to go. I only had two pairs of jeans, a few shirts and a change of socks. Yet I found a place and it is a long story. I know today that even though I haven't stayed clean since January of 2002 that it was in fact my ex-wife that saved my life. I would have never tried anything different if she and I stayed together.

I will have 10 months here in a few days. I came from an addiction of 3,000 dollars a week in meth sometimes more than that. I have really damaged a lot of me physically, mentally, and my spiritual. But I know today that if I pick up I will be headed in the wrong direction. I know it is hard but it is also doable. I don't or won't give you advice, but I am here to support you. I do have ***** and msn messenger and if you need someone to talk to I am here. I will also send some good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

BigSis

Rhonda.... whoa, breathe girl. Really.

Come on down to the Naranon forum - lots of wives and moms of addicts there. We have lived with and ARE living with active addicts. No one here is trying to lecture you... we share our experience. We share our strength. And we share our hope.
Sometimes you get all of one of those in a post.

There is a saying I learned in Alanon... "take what you like, and leave the rest". That means you owe no one an explanation for why you accept, or do not accept what they share.

There is a LOT to learn about addiction... a lot. And no one can get it in one big lump. But come on down to the other forums, pull up a chair and take a look around. There are some excellent posts, and some excellent folks. I think you will fit in just fine.

emmanuel2012

irritability, clenching teeth, sick withdrawl, total paranoia.

rehabilitation has save my soul from the ugly stimulant that i once adored called meth.

what a way a life! it truly is madness. i feel for you and your husband.

my girflirend was ready to stop before me, but fortunately we stopped about the same time, a few weeks or even days before the police ransacked my house and took me to prison for hitting a police officer while i was on the stuff- they took me to the hospital first, 30 days later after the institutionalation i was still very angry and confused and i didnt know what i felt, except for angry.

STOP DOING IT!


okay?


a nuff is a nuff

angelgirl

I am sorry you felt that anyone was trying to lecture you. I thought you felt uncomfortable, but you shouldn't' feel that way.. Sometimes this stuff is just so hard to take. Our lives and future are hard to accept. I did not mean to lecture you. We only want to help. Sometimes we might get carried away, but it's truly, only out of concern. Believe me, no one wants to chase you away That is the last thing we want. We are here for support. Yours, mine,a nd everyone else's.

Vic has some really cool wisdom for you here..

Quote:

When I went home the kids came running out, the dog came running out, but no wife came running out. When I went in the house she said Vic I don't want you here. I had no where to go. I only had two pairs of jeans, a few shirts and a change of socks. Yet I found a place and it is a long story. I know today that even though I haven't stayed clean since January of 2002 that it was in fact my ex-wife that saved my life. I would have never tried anything different if she and I stayed together.

This is what you said.Just think about it..

.

You said it all there I believe. That is why it is so important to get support.
These are very hard times that you are going through. SR is a wonderful place, but,, it is very important to get outside, face to face help, from a counselor, when you are making such big decisions. Family isn't always the best people to go to for this kind of support, I mean, they are good support, but when it comes to unbiased support, and choices, I believe a counselor is your best bet. Please, make an appt. Do it for your well being. Do it for your husband, if nothing else. In the long run, you are helping him, and everyone in your family.

Yes, it is all scary, but you can't tell me that what you are gong through is all that easy right now.? Plus, aren't you worrying about him now? Don't you worry about the people he is dealing with now? Do you worry about his health, and the chance of overdose now? A drug life is a very dangerous life.

Hun, you are not putting him in this predicament, he is. You are not addict, he is. You are not hurting him, he is hurting you. Only you know what is best for you know what is really best for your family. We are just telling you what we know from experience. Our experience, and the experiences that we know from being here, and from the friends we have.

Please, do not take my words as a lecture, I am only just lending you support, the only way I know how.. I hope it helps.

But most of all, I pray that you will call and get some help.
I am saying a prayer for you and your family.

We do care.. Please remember that,
and keep posting. It helps.. Please, check out the naranon forum.

Love and prayers,

Becky

MagdaM

hey there--wasn't trying to make you feel bad. imho this stuff can go downhill pretty quickly. i just think you should try to get him to know he needs help sooner rather than later. the longer it goes on the harder it will be. i wish someone had knocked some sense into me when i started out myself.

but i'm nobody really--don't let my comments bother you. i'm younger, less experience, and half-crazy. but there are lots of people her whoi can give you support. hope you find what you're looking for.

*hugs for what its worth*

Done_With_It

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=543 border=0><!--tabella centrale--><TBODY><TR><!--riga 1 tab centrale pagina--><TD><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>I can relate to where you are and some of the stuff you</CENTER><CENTER>are feeling. I was a meth addict. I will have 10 weeks</CENTER><CENTER>clean tomorow, so I know it's possible to let go</CENTER><CENTER>of this stuff. Your right it is hard. But part of</CENTER><CENTER>why I quit was my animals, who are "My kids"</CENTER><CENTER>so that gave me the drive to do it and stay</CENTER><CENTER>clean. You can do it also.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>As for your husband and the things he says,</CENTER><CENTER>I can understand everything he says,</CENTER><CENTER>and I get why he thinks he can't quit</CENTER><CENTER>and he needs it to do his job.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>I feel the same way at times, but I soo felt</CENTER><CENTER>that way 10 weeks ago. I am the</CENTER><CENTER>Superwoman just like he is, I do everything.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>It was hard and still is, I lost money, I couldn't</CENTER><CENTER>stay up late at night to do other work,</CENTER><CENTER>etc. It's been so scary off of the meth.</CENTER><CENTER>There have been days where I just sat there</CENTER><CENTER>thinking this never happened when I did meth.</CENTER><CENTER>I was never in as much trouble as I am in now.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>But things work out, I'm sure you know.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>I don't believe he is a bad guy at all.</CENTER><CENTER>From what you described he sounds like a great </CENTER><CENTER>guy but just has a meth problem. If he's</CENTER><CENTER>like me he's thinking his family will fall apart if</CENTER><CENTER>he stops doing the meth, and how will he support</CENTER><CENTER>them, etc...... I don't always believe everything</CENTER><CENTER>is an excuse to keep doing meth, like some say,</CENTER><CENTER>I think a lot of it is fear.</CENTER><CENTER>It's a catch 22 to get better. It's very hard.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>But the good side of it is, that life does get better,</CENTER><CENTER>you start thinking more clearly, you get your</CENTER><CENTER>energy back, and eventually you figure out</CENTER><CENTER>ways to do all the things you did on meth</CENTER><CENTER>only BETTER.....</CENTER><CENTER>I am doing all the same things, but I have found </CENTER><CENTER>better things to do, things to make more money,</CENTER><CENTER>my friends and I are all reconnecting, etc...</CENTER><CENTER>It's amazing to me. It's like a gift that you</CENTER><CENTER>start getting back to you when you quit doing it.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>I think for you husband he needs to lose something</CENTER><CENTER>or some things in his life in order to really want to </CENTER><CENTER>quit. People do what works. If the meth addiction</CENTER><CENTER>is working for him, Why quit. He needs reasons to </CENTER><CENTER>quit. What about doing some type of intervention</CENTER><CENTER>to get him in a rehab?</CENTER><CENTER>I'm not sure, I have to read this thread back later,</CENTER><CENTER>I'm on my way to my therapist. But I could</CENTER><CENTER>totally relate to everything you were saying,</CENTER><CENTER>so I wanted to drop you a line.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>Hang in there, Don't do meth, whatever it takes,</CENTER><CENTER>don't do it. If you do, things will just keep getting</CENTER><CENTER>worse, and he isn't going to stop if you keep</CENTER><CENTER>doing it.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER>Hang in there sweetie. PM me anytime.</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER></TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>