Am I obsessed or hardheaded about her drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 28
Am I obsessed or hardheaded about her drinking?
This question bothers me a little. The last thing I want is to remain unhealthily obsessed about my girlfriends alcoholism. It feels like obsession sometimes. I find myself neglecting personal responsibilities because the stress is too much to deal with. I spend a large part of my day daydreaming possible lines of conversation between me and her about her drinking. Most of these "fantasies" involve my getting through to her with logic and reason. (Gee--Don't normal guys just have sexual fantasies about their girlfriends?--lol) I know--I got it bad! I wake up in the morning and i'm ok until I think about her. Then, it all rolls over me like a gray wave and stays there the rest of the day. This has been going on since June and I just don't know how to let go. I go a whole day without returning her phone calls and nearly chew my fingernails off trying not to call her back. Part of my problem is that I don't like to admit defeat and i'm hardheaded and determined to make this all work out. I know it's not in my power tho.
Sometimes I wonder if it's even still love or if I just want to save her. I'm so twisted up about this. My heart is over-ruling my head and I really feel helpless. I never thought of myself as the co-dependent type until I met her. I have always been so sure of myself in relationships until now. I want to believe she can beat this. Going to Al-Anon tomorrow. I need some relief.
Sometimes I wonder if it's even still love or if I just want to save her. I'm so twisted up about this. My heart is over-ruling my head and I really feel helpless. I never thought of myself as the co-dependent type until I met her. I have always been so sure of myself in relationships until now. I want to believe she can beat this. Going to Al-Anon tomorrow. I need some relief.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Between New Orleans and Baton Rouge Louisiana
Posts: 8
Al-anon is a great place to start. I put off going for 3 years, and when I finally went it was such a relief. I really look forward to my meetings even if things are "ok" at the time. I am still new at this, so I am not one to give advice, but I hope you get the support you need because it is too hard to handle alone. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, Rook. You have found a wonderful site here.
You know who could have said those exact words? Yes, an alcoholic about their drinking. So, I guess you could say that it's an obsession alright. And most of us have been there.
Al-anon is a great start too. Let us know how you get on - and don't forget that each meeting is different, so try at least 6 before you decide whether it's for you or not.
Oh, and I didn't think I was the codie type either, until I got together with my ex. Funny how I can see the trends now, though.
I find myself neglecting personal responsibilities because the stress is too much to deal with.
Al-anon is a great start too. Let us know how you get on - and don't forget that each meeting is different, so try at least 6 before you decide whether it's for you or not.
Oh, and I didn't think I was the codie type either, until I got together with my ex. Funny how I can see the trends now, though.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
You have perfectly described what happens to us when we love an alcoholic. It makes us sick and crazy. All of your energy, thoughts,
and emotions are being focused on the alcoholic. This is what the
disease does to us.
This is a book that I found extremely helpful in my recovery:
"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty
I also found the AA "Big Book" book very helpful for my recovery.
Reading it, you get a much better understanding of the disease.
You learn that the disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful"
It is not easy for alcoholics to stop drinking - they are in the
grip of something very powerful. There is no logic to it. They
are aware of the damage it is causing, and they still keep drinking.
God Bless
Robin
and emotions are being focused on the alcoholic. This is what the
disease does to us.
This is a book that I found extremely helpful in my recovery:
"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty
I also found the AA "Big Book" book very helpful for my recovery.
Reading it, you get a much better understanding of the disease.
You learn that the disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful"
It is not easy for alcoholics to stop drinking - they are in the
grip of something very powerful. There is no logic to it. They
are aware of the damage it is causing, and they still keep drinking.
God Bless
Robin
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: US
Posts: 2
Hey Rook,
Definetly check out Al-anon. I think I responded to your situation in another post, but you definetly do need to take yourself into account here. Don't let it affect your life to such a negative degree that you're neglecting responsibilities. Sounds like a nasty situation..
Definetly check out Al-anon. I think I responded to your situation in another post, but you definetly do need to take yourself into account here. Don't let it affect your life to such a negative degree that you're neglecting responsibilities. Sounds like a nasty situation..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: England
Posts: 6
i just thought id let you know how i feel... rock you brick wall type situation.... But my dad used to be an alcoholic and he went to Al-anon and doesnt drink at all now- so it really can help. my only advice would be find some1 you can talk to about it as its not fair that you deal with things alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 10
I feel your pain!
Hi Rookknight65
I feel your pain brother. My wife of 22+ years is an alcoholic, and I do the same things you do: Rehearse conversations in my head, dwell on things and ruminate over "HER" drinking problem. All of those thoughts are destructive to your own mind and health, as well as destructive to your relationship. I started attending Al-Anon meetings. I quit worrying about "HER" drinking problem and started looking at my own actions and the way I was treating her. Now I think about what nice things I can say to her, what nice surprises I can do for her. Life is a bit better between us now, and I don't have as much anxiety. I will admit that I am no saint. I still screw up and say the wrong things or project the wrong message, but I'm getting better at controlling MYSELF. I am a healing alcoholic myself, and that is something that helps me have more empathy towards my alcoholic wife. I know what to expect if I try to preach, teach or scold. It's not worth it! Only my caring, loving and patient actions will help us both.
My wife gets drunk in front of me 7 days a week. Doesn't like seeing my A.A. and Al-Anon books around the house,,, even flips them over so she can't see the cover and title. Recently, she started thinking about her own drinking problems. She will spend one day sober, then make up for it the next,,, get mean and nasty towards me. I don't know which is worse??? The roller-coaster ride of "On again / Off again" or just watching her drink 7 days a week and learning to deal with it. I never know which person I'll be talking to at night. However, I love her so much that it's worth trying to make things better. All I have to do is remember the times before alcohol started running her life.
Remember that an alcoholic lives in denial, and quite often so does the spouse/lover of an alcoholic. Go to Al-Anon meetings. Be patient with the knowledge that you will gain there. Be patient with yourself. Your girlfriend MIGHT see the light, through your actions,,, but she might not. Don't hate yourself, or feel that you've failed if she doesn't. Alcoholics deny EVERYTHING! Responsibility, culpability, their actions, their reasons for drinking,,, you name it. Believe me,,, I know,,,, I am a healing alcoholic myself, and I know what a jerk I was, how I lied to myself. It took me over ten years after I had a near fatal car accident to wake up and realize what a bone-head I am. So as you can tell, I'm not the smartest guy.
Keep asking questions, keep reading other posts and responses. It's worth your time to go to Al-Anon meetings. You may slowly gain some insights. As long as you don't wake up dead tomorrow, every day can get better!
Mrakaronni.
I feel your pain brother. My wife of 22+ years is an alcoholic, and I do the same things you do: Rehearse conversations in my head, dwell on things and ruminate over "HER" drinking problem. All of those thoughts are destructive to your own mind and health, as well as destructive to your relationship. I started attending Al-Anon meetings. I quit worrying about "HER" drinking problem and started looking at my own actions and the way I was treating her. Now I think about what nice things I can say to her, what nice surprises I can do for her. Life is a bit better between us now, and I don't have as much anxiety. I will admit that I am no saint. I still screw up and say the wrong things or project the wrong message, but I'm getting better at controlling MYSELF. I am a healing alcoholic myself, and that is something that helps me have more empathy towards my alcoholic wife. I know what to expect if I try to preach, teach or scold. It's not worth it! Only my caring, loving and patient actions will help us both.
My wife gets drunk in front of me 7 days a week. Doesn't like seeing my A.A. and Al-Anon books around the house,,, even flips them over so she can't see the cover and title. Recently, she started thinking about her own drinking problems. She will spend one day sober, then make up for it the next,,, get mean and nasty towards me. I don't know which is worse??? The roller-coaster ride of "On again / Off again" or just watching her drink 7 days a week and learning to deal with it. I never know which person I'll be talking to at night. However, I love her so much that it's worth trying to make things better. All I have to do is remember the times before alcohol started running her life.
Remember that an alcoholic lives in denial, and quite often so does the spouse/lover of an alcoholic. Go to Al-Anon meetings. Be patient with the knowledge that you will gain there. Be patient with yourself. Your girlfriend MIGHT see the light, through your actions,,, but she might not. Don't hate yourself, or feel that you've failed if she doesn't. Alcoholics deny EVERYTHING! Responsibility, culpability, their actions, their reasons for drinking,,, you name it. Believe me,,, I know,,,, I am a healing alcoholic myself, and I know what a jerk I was, how I lied to myself. It took me over ten years after I had a near fatal car accident to wake up and realize what a bone-head I am. So as you can tell, I'm not the smartest guy.
Keep asking questions, keep reading other posts and responses. It's worth your time to go to Al-Anon meetings. You may slowly gain some insights. As long as you don't wake up dead tomorrow, every day can get better!
Mrakaronni.
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