You have perfectly described what happens to us when we love an alcoholic. It makes us sick and crazy. All of your energy, thoughts,
and emotions are being focused on the alcoholic. This is what the
disease does to us.
This is a book that I found extremely helpful in my recovery:
"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty
I also found the AA "Big Book" book very helpful for my recovery.
Reading it, you get a much better understanding of the disease.
You learn that the disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful"
It is not easy for alcoholics to stop drinking - they are in the
grip of something very powerful. There is no logic to it. They
are aware of the damage it is causing, and they still keep drinking.
God Bless
Robin