I can not explain how much this hurt.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I can not explain how much this hurt.
Greetings again,
A lot has happened since I last wrote.
I still work with Alanon and still am progressing at work, but other darker things have happened.
During all this turmoil for those who know me, I have in fact still had some contact with my wife.
Well shortly after my Father died the contact grew.
She was away from the abusive man she was living with and now living with her other ex (J), who ids her son’s dad.
She wanted to see me talk more and said she had quite drinking. The church and doctors were helping her with this but still no mention of AA.
Now with the ways I have changed through Alanon, one must also allow others the same right to change, so of course I gave thought to all of this.
She called again on a Saturday night and we agreed to meet.
She was beautiful as always and her personality shines like a star.
It was good to see her after 16 months and old feelings began to come back.
With the company of her and the emotions swimming around one thing led to another and she spent the night.
Then that week there was more visits and more talking with more promises.
She told me the fear she had for this other man and how she felt in danger. She spoke of abuse and how she still had items and business on the hill but agreed it would not be safe to return.
We spoke also of program and what it can bring and talked of taking ballroom dancing together.
After all this time to be with her and have her near me my heart was warming up to my wife the songs were around in my head again.
We had made plans to see her son’s Dad in a band the next weekend and the thoughts off seeing the boy I raised for 10 years brought tears to my eyes and hope that my family would soon be near me.
I bought gifts foe them both and made sure I had plenty of money to take him for dinner if he liked.
I was so very happy, then 2 days before all contact stopped. I could not reach her.
I reached “J” and he said she was back on the hill that I was not to show up to the concert.
My heart sank and anger grew and so did concern. I called to the hill and picked up the phone.
She said that there were things that needed to be done that I must understand this. That this guy who was a friend of 30 years to her needed help. That she need to clean the place she was living at before she could leave, it went on and on.
After days went by and no real contact I called and found her and she was nasty and mean to me.
I also learned that she was drinking and that my 14-year-old stepson was also drinking with her.
I can not tell you how I felt.
The calls came less.
Then last night she called, not to ask of me. But calls to ask if I can find her cocaine.
I’m sorry I can not go this way with her again and I told her so.
All the talks of change the legal stuff we had started to take care of and the time we spent together seem all for nothing.
I’m truly hurt as I write this, I love someone so much, but she can not love herself or see the person I do inside her.
A lot has happened since I last wrote.
I still work with Alanon and still am progressing at work, but other darker things have happened.
During all this turmoil for those who know me, I have in fact still had some contact with my wife.
Well shortly after my Father died the contact grew.
She was away from the abusive man she was living with and now living with her other ex (J), who ids her son’s dad.
She wanted to see me talk more and said she had quite drinking. The church and doctors were helping her with this but still no mention of AA.
Now with the ways I have changed through Alanon, one must also allow others the same right to change, so of course I gave thought to all of this.
She called again on a Saturday night and we agreed to meet.
She was beautiful as always and her personality shines like a star.
It was good to see her after 16 months and old feelings began to come back.
With the company of her and the emotions swimming around one thing led to another and she spent the night.
Then that week there was more visits and more talking with more promises.
She told me the fear she had for this other man and how she felt in danger. She spoke of abuse and how she still had items and business on the hill but agreed it would not be safe to return.
We spoke also of program and what it can bring and talked of taking ballroom dancing together.
After all this time to be with her and have her near me my heart was warming up to my wife the songs were around in my head again.
We had made plans to see her son’s Dad in a band the next weekend and the thoughts off seeing the boy I raised for 10 years brought tears to my eyes and hope that my family would soon be near me.
I bought gifts foe them both and made sure I had plenty of money to take him for dinner if he liked.
I was so very happy, then 2 days before all contact stopped. I could not reach her.
I reached “J” and he said she was back on the hill that I was not to show up to the concert.
My heart sank and anger grew and so did concern. I called to the hill and picked up the phone.
She said that there were things that needed to be done that I must understand this. That this guy who was a friend of 30 years to her needed help. That she need to clean the place she was living at before she could leave, it went on and on.
After days went by and no real contact I called and found her and she was nasty and mean to me.
I also learned that she was drinking and that my 14-year-old stepson was also drinking with her.
I can not tell you how I felt.
The calls came less.
Then last night she called, not to ask of me. But calls to ask if I can find her cocaine.
I’m sorry I can not go this way with her again and I told her so.
All the talks of change the legal stuff we had started to take care of and the time we spent together seem all for nothing.
I’m truly hurt as I write this, I love someone so much, but she can not love herself or see the person I do inside her.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
I'm sorry for your disappointment and pain.
I would always want to believe my son too...and it's so easy to do so when we want to. But, sadly, we know we can only believe the actions of our addicted loved ones. Their words mean close to nothing. I wish it were different...
Try to do something good for yourself now. Be kind to yourself.
And know that sharing your love is a beautiful thing.
Shalom!
I would always want to believe my son too...and it's so easy to do so when we want to. But, sadly, we know we can only believe the actions of our addicted loved ones. Their words mean close to nothing. I wish it were different...
Try to do something good for yourself now. Be kind to yourself.
And know that sharing your love is a beautiful thing.
Shalom!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello History,
I think we always give our loved ones some sort of chance no matter what. She seems to be back in my life now in a big way.
how this really plays out is a whole different matter.
How I let it affect me is mine alone I guess.
I think we always give our loved ones some sort of chance no matter what. She seems to be back in my life now in a big way.
how this really plays out is a whole different matter.
How I let it affect me is mine alone I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hey Christian....
Unfortunally that happens, and I dont know about you but that is exactally why I had to go no contact. If I saw him, talked to him etc... I would reach out to him. It was a given that I would believe his lies and fall for the hook again. My ex-abf did the same thing to me more then once.
They are right, before I would go into any of that I would have to see long term action... and I dont mean I have quit drinking for a year. Maybe you needed this to cut the last strings on your heart... either way I know how much that hurts.
Unfortunally that happens, and I dont know about you but that is exactally why I had to go no contact. If I saw him, talked to him etc... I would reach out to him. It was a given that I would believe his lies and fall for the hook again. My ex-abf did the same thing to me more then once.
They are right, before I would go into any of that I would have to see long term action... and I dont mean I have quit drinking for a year. Maybe you needed this to cut the last strings on your heart... either way I know how much that hurts.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
When we believe the words, instead of waiting for the actions, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Im sorry for your pain,,,know how bad it hurts. Maybe this is the final lesson you'll need.
Im sorry for your pain,,,know how bad it hurts. Maybe this is the final lesson you'll need.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
For a brief and shining moment there was Camelot...
We love those moments... they are our drug... loving sober people whom we had fallen in love with deeply and in a tortureous moment it's all gone again...
The old hurts pain us deeply and the new ones left behind are horrible to try to bear.
All we can do is try to be kind to ourselves. And remember it is not our fault... their drinking/drug use is just that theirs.
So a few
points
1. she was nasty and mean to me.
2. she was drinking
3. my 14-year-old stepson was also drinking with her.
4.But calls to ask if I can find her cocaine
I think I see a few red flags in there. I always think of red flags as "Stop and think about this". Emotions make life very sweet or hurtful. Logically thinking is what allows us to survive.
You're doing good. I'm very sorry you had to hurt so much!
We love those moments... they are our drug... loving sober people whom we had fallen in love with deeply and in a tortureous moment it's all gone again...
The old hurts pain us deeply and the new ones left behind are horrible to try to bear.
All we can do is try to be kind to ourselves. And remember it is not our fault... their drinking/drug use is just that theirs.
So a few
points1. she was nasty and mean to me.
2. she was drinking
3. my 14-year-old stepson was also drinking with her.
4.But calls to ask if I can find her cocaine
I think I see a few red flags in there. I always think of red flags as "Stop and think about this". Emotions make life very sweet or hurtful. Logically thinking is what allows us to survive.
You're doing good. I'm very sorry you had to hurt so much!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Hi my Friend
I hope you can feel my prayers Christian. You were one of the first people to give me good advice and introduced me to this website.
You know the answer. You told me a few months ago.
You have so much to give....one day you will find someone who will appreciate it.
Your wife, my wife may one day find the light.....but do we wait and grow old while they decide?
Your Friend in NC
You know the answer. You told me a few months ago.
You have so much to give....one day you will find someone who will appreciate it.
Your wife, my wife may one day find the light.....but do we wait and grow old while they decide?
Your Friend in NC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
Your wife, my wife may one day find the light.....but do we wait and grow old while they decide?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
- thank you all fror writing.
I am not doing to well tonight to say the least. This hit me harder then I thought. I really dont know how to handle it.
I just wish I could wake up and this whole year be a bad dream, but it is not.
I just can't face any of this anymore.
I am not doing to well tonight to say the least. This hit me harder then I thought. I really dont know how to handle it.
I just wish I could wake up and this whole year be a bad dream, but it is not.
I just can't face any of this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I think Gelfling hit it right on bro.
Just wanted to say, hang in there cause Destiny is by you and I can see Destiny in great tears for you and it will send Spirits in your life to guide you to the light. Look for it like searching for your engagement ring in a desert along side some endless highway, and I tell you, you will find it!
You will be in my thoughts. Loves always,
Philip
Just wanted to say, hang in there cause Destiny is by you and I can see Destiny in great tears for you and it will send Spirits in your life to guide you to the light. Look for it like searching for your engagement ring in a desert along side some endless highway, and I tell you, you will find it!
You will be in my thoughts. Loves always,
Philip
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. Christian,
We always have the choice to walk down a different road and we can start walking any time.
Your wife is very sick and she will do this to you over and over if you CHOOSE to let her. You have the power to make the right choices for YOU.
Ngaire
We always have the choice to walk down a different road and we can start walking any time.
Your wife is very sick and she will do this to you over and over if you CHOOSE to let her. You have the power to make the right choices for YOU.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Mr. C
I let my ex do the same type of things to me over and over until I finally had
enough. It is hard to let go but sometimes we are absolutely forced to and must
let go. This cycle can continue for a lifetime if we allow it to, after all if we don't stop it
who will?
I am not minimizing you pain, believe me I have been there again and again.
You may be sick of hearing this by now but.....
No Contact is the only way to begin the healing process for yourself.
I hope that you will find some peace.....
I let my ex do the same type of things to me over and over until I finally had
enough. It is hard to let go but sometimes we are absolutely forced to and must
let go. This cycle can continue for a lifetime if we allow it to, after all if we don't stop it
who will?
I am not minimizing you pain, believe me I have been there again and again.
You may be sick of hearing this by now but.....
No Contact is the only way to begin the healing process for yourself.
I hope that you will find some peace.....
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
You know it’s one of those things that can only be explained like this.
I made a lot of changes after I joined Alanon, changes that I needed to do.
I was allowed to make them and chose to make them to better myself.
Shouldn’t other people be allowed to make changes?
Can they not make changes? Or given the respect to see if they have?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if we all here have done some good to help ourselves, the alcoholic that is in our lives is also allowed to make changes.
We do not know if it really happens unless you do make contact.
So there was contact.
So if there is NO CONTACT how will I know if there is change or growth on her part?
You know it’s one of those things that can only be explained like this.
I made a lot of changes after I joined Alanon, changes that I needed to do.
I was allowed to make them and chose to make them to better myself.
Shouldn’t other people be allowed to make changes?
Can they not make changes? Or given the respect to see if they have?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if we all here have done some good to help ourselves, the alcoholic that is in our lives is also allowed to make changes.
We do not know if it really happens unless you do make contact.
So there was contact.
So if there is NO CONTACT how will I know if there is change or growth on her part?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Minnie,
I think there are steps for her changing but not the way they should be.
She does see a therapist. She is going to church again which is good, but something still is not clicking there.
Getting herself into AA would help.
I think there are steps for her changing but not the way they should be.
She does see a therapist. She is going to church again which is good, but something still is not clicking there.
Getting herself into AA would help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Mr.Christian,i can so relate,and understand my friend.What i found out for me,was that they didnt hurt me,although there was a time i trully believed that they did.What hurt me,was myself.I had expectaions of another.And this person could not live up to them.How could they when they were into their sickness,knee deep...I had un-realistic expectations,that i needed to work on,if i was to have any peace inside of my heart.To let go,and let God,and keep working on my own recovery.Acceptance of where another is in their lives.Hard,but not impossible.The only time i need to phyically remove myself from another is when my recovery is at risk.And ive done this to myself,and need to work more on my recovery.To become stronger,in,my own recovery.Having that relationship with God,who is my strenght.And will help me,when im feeling over-whlemed by anothers behaviour.Steps1-3....
My prayers are with you both,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!
My prayers are with you both,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!
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