I can not explain how much this hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
I had un-realistic expectations,that i needed to work on,if i was to have any peace inside of my heart.To let go,and let God,and keep working on my own recovery.Acceptance of where another is in their lives.Hard,but not impossible.The only time i need to phyically remove myself from another is when my recovery is at risk.And ive done this to myself,and need to work more on my recovery.To become stronger,in,my own recovery.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well I do have to argue the point of getting on with my life.
I have and she came back into it.
My life has changed in so many way s, job, activities and friends.
The simple fact that to some here and in program, getting on with your life means NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN.
Now I do understand that this comes from their own experiences and failures at attempts of reconciliation.
I know many couple in program that now live great lives after being caught up in this storm of bad behavior.
They each work their own program and then also go to couples gatherings.
So with that said, it does happen and there is always the chance if both are willing.
I guess it does come down to our own recovery and with that our strength to handle either direction our relationship goes in.
I have and she came back into it.
My life has changed in so many way s, job, activities and friends.
The simple fact that to some here and in program, getting on with your life means NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN.
Now I do understand that this comes from their own experiences and failures at attempts of reconciliation.
I know many couple in program that now live great lives after being caught up in this storm of bad behavior.
They each work their own program and then also go to couples gatherings.
So with that said, it does happen and there is always the chance if both are willing.
I guess it does come down to our own recovery and with that our strength to handle either direction our relationship goes in.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Yes both.
She need to do more herself as far as fixing herself, her own words not mine.
She feels like most of this time went by without any changes for her and told me that she can see alot of good in what I have done for myself.
She need to do more herself as far as fixing herself, her own words not mine.
She feels like most of this time went by without any changes for her and told me that she can see alot of good in what I have done for myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I don't think there is anyone of us here that does not want to hear a true
success story....
If you believe this is possible for you and your wife, that is great.
It is just that these happy endings tend to be few and far between.
I like the no contact becasue it really doesn't matter if my ex is recovering or not.
That is not my problem.
If you have worked a good program and found respect for yourself,
Why in the world would you want to even venture back into that arena....
success story....
If you believe this is possible for you and your wife, that is great.
It is just that these happy endings tend to be few and far between.
I like the no contact becasue it really doesn't matter if my ex is recovering or not.
That is not my problem.
If you have worked a good program and found respect for yourself,
Why in the world would you want to even venture back into that arena....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Because it hurts you... that is why the no contact. It throws you back to where you dont want to be.
If she is working a program then let her walk the walk. She has your number and address, If it were me I would not even think of going into that chaos unless she had at least 1 or 2 years sober and working a program...
I love the sucess stories too, and who knows maybe oneday when you are both healthier it could happen... but 4 weeks is proving nothing except that she is starting... to build a relationship off that is not promising..,not to mention its not just building (which is hard enough) but repairing which is even harder IMHO.
If she is working a program then let her walk the walk. She has your number and address, If it were me I would not even think of going into that chaos unless she had at least 1 or 2 years sober and working a program...
I love the sucess stories too, and who knows maybe oneday when you are both healthier it could happen... but 4 weeks is proving nothing except that she is starting... to build a relationship off that is not promising..,not to mention its not just building (which is hard enough) but repairing which is even harder IMHO.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Minnie,
Working on recovery, falling back, wanting to do better and starting again are all problems that she will and many others go through.
I do find however both here and in Alanon people who are very jaded or bitter against the alcoholic, with some good point.
But then again as I become more spiritual in my life, I also learn forgiveness to people for their faults.
I no matter what has happen hold hatred or ill malice.
I think then when you are able to move on with your self and know forgiveness; it is only then you find some point of serenity.
Pmaslan & Cynay,
Yes a happy ending would be great would it not?
Yes I am smart enough to know it’s a long rode, but grateful enough that she knows she has a problem.
Discussions of both programs also took place during our visits, something she never would have done.
So it’s a long road for her , with some potholes and bumps, I do understand that.
Working on recovery, falling back, wanting to do better and starting again are all problems that she will and many others go through.
I do find however both here and in Alanon people who are very jaded or bitter against the alcoholic, with some good point.
But then again as I become more spiritual in my life, I also learn forgiveness to people for their faults.
I no matter what has happen hold hatred or ill malice.
I think then when you are able to move on with your self and know forgiveness; it is only then you find some point of serenity.
Pmaslan & Cynay,
Yes a happy ending would be great would it not?
Yes I am smart enough to know it’s a long rode, but grateful enough that she knows she has a problem.
Discussions of both programs also took place during our visits, something she never would have done.
So it’s a long road for her , with some potholes and bumps, I do understand that.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Mr. C, so let me ask you this.. I seem to recall you were contemplating a legal separation and divorce. Does this mean now that the "cohabitating" clock starts all over again?
You could reconcile regardless of your current marital status...
You could reconcile regardless of your current marital status...
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Jazzman,
Nothing "LEGAL" has been done, she has just been gone for 16 months.
Since she has talked of recovery and of seeing me again I have wanted to see what happens. It's been so long now a few more months aint going to matter much.
I do however have to take care of some bills that could not get paid that have both our names on them.
When she was in her car crash ( no she was not driving ), she was unable to work for 6 months.
So she lost her car.
So there is alot ahead of us one way or another.
Nothing "LEGAL" has been done, she has just been gone for 16 months.
Since she has talked of recovery and of seeing me again I have wanted to see what happens. It's been so long now a few more months aint going to matter much.
I do however have to take care of some bills that could not get paid that have both our names on them.
When she was in her car crash ( no she was not driving ), she was unable to work for 6 months.
So she lost her car.
So there is alot ahead of us one way or another.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr.Christian,
That is what they bank on that you will keep going back to see if things have changed and they will for awhile then it will be right back to the way it was.
You ask how do youknow, you just would know beause her whole lifestyle will have changed if truly some changes have happened.
What has changed about her lifestyle?
That is what they bank on that you will keep going back to see if things have changed and they will for awhile then it will be right back to the way it was.
You ask how do youknow, you just would know beause her whole lifestyle will have changed if truly some changes have happened.
What has changed about her lifestyle?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Mr. Christian:
How long are you willing to put your life on hold for a woman who's showing no signs of changing? Another 16 months? That would be three years. You only get once chance at life. While you're waiting for your wife to get well and somehow find her way back to you, life is passing you by.
How long are you willing to put your life on hold for a woman who's showing no signs of changing? Another 16 months? That would be three years. You only get once chance at life. While you're waiting for your wife to get well and somehow find her way back to you, life is passing you by.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
How good does it feel to get your hopes up and then have them come crashing down again? How did it make you feel to have her ask you to find her cocaine? What kind of program is she working? I think everyone is suggesting no contact so that this doesn't keep happening to you. Do you really want to live this life? If she gets herself straightened out, she can contact you then. The farther you move away from her right now the better you will feel and you have to know that. Please think about what is really best for you because nothing you do or say or feel is going to affect what happens with her.
Take care, Jo
Take care, Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
If both are willing?Of course everyone is different.So i will share my own experience here,and how it worked for us,as of today.When i first came to recovery programs everyone that i talked to in Al-anon,not AA,said that i should leave my hub.some even got mad at me because i didnt,leave.Said i must like misery.What does my life have to do with them?Nothing,so eventually i started to put the focus on me,and my own recovery.I know today that they were trying to be helpful.But what happened was that i was being hurt more.So i stoped,no,longer talking about hub,to alot of others,but only to my sponser,and i warned her not to make decisions for me.To please listen.And she did.This really helped me,for her to listen.She was following the Al-anon program,where we share,our ES&H,but give no advice.And this worked for me.I let go of expectations,of my hub.All of them.If my decisons,happiness,was still reliant on him,id still be a mess today.I needed to change.I was by God,s Grace sober for 10 years before by Grace hub came to recovery programs.So,for 10 years,,both of us was not working program.I was.He was hitting his bottom.A long,painful bottom.Working on my own recovery,is what changed my life.Had nothing at all to do with what hub,was doing.Stay/go,was no longer an issue.I let go,and let God,[menatlly,and still together with hub}and working on my own recovery.There were times,that id stay at a friends house,cause i was letting things get to me.So,i needed to work more on me,not him.Im very grateful to God,and these recovery programs.Im grateful that hub,also found recovery.My soberiety,my peace,happiness is not reliant on any others.Its reliant upon my relationship with God.Have no expectaions on another.Have no goals for another.Its not about what they say/do.Its about my own recovery.Recovery is an insdie job...Hands of his recovery.Yes we have come through it all,together,through the Grace of God,only.One Day At A Time...And i still havent decided to stay or to go..I left this all to God,in His hands.We have a marriage today that both of us never thought it possible.
Let Go,and let God,and no forcing any issues,or outcomes.This has worked for us.
Thanks again for letting me share,
prayers to you both.
God Bless..
Let Go,and let God,and no forcing any issues,or outcomes.This has worked for us.
Thanks again for letting me share,
prayers to you both.
God Bless..
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Mr. C - that was a very touching post, and one that reminds me often of the slippery slope I sometimes like to tread myself.
There is always hope... for me, though, hope is something separate from living. It is a background thought that keeps a little flame burning... maybe forever, but certainly for now.
Living, though, is something I do for me. Each day. Trying desperately to become that "bright and shiny" person God intended me to be.
In my Alanon group, a woman has reunited with her alcoholic husband 13 years AFTER the divorce. Thirteen years. They were not in each other's lives. She had let go, moved on and become very happy.
Through her children, she knew he got sober, attended AA and only after YEARS in program, was he ready for her. And she has been learning how much she has changed in order to be the person capable of living with him ... sober. They couldn't make it when he was active in his addiction, or even when he was new in recovery. They both needed to be different to make it work.
I believe HP was very much involved in their lives the whole time. Someone up there said to "Let Go and Let God". That may or may not mean without your wife.
I am learning that if I put effort into being the best person I can be - it won't matter so much how it works out... I get to be happy.
There is always hope... for me, though, hope is something separate from living. It is a background thought that keeps a little flame burning... maybe forever, but certainly for now.
Living, though, is something I do for me. Each day. Trying desperately to become that "bright and shiny" person God intended me to be.
In my Alanon group, a woman has reunited with her alcoholic husband 13 years AFTER the divorce. Thirteen years. They were not in each other's lives. She had let go, moved on and become very happy.
Through her children, she knew he got sober, attended AA and only after YEARS in program, was he ready for her. And she has been learning how much she has changed in order to be the person capable of living with him ... sober. They couldn't make it when he was active in his addiction, or even when he was new in recovery. They both needed to be different to make it work.
I believe HP was very much involved in their lives the whole time. Someone up there said to "Let Go and Let God". That may or may not mean without your wife.
I am learning that if I put effort into being the best person I can be - it won't matter so much how it works out... I get to be happy.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL!!!
My God where do I start? There seems to be two rules of thought, or should I say to diametrically opposed opinions here.
Both however keep the main point of taking care of myself first before anything else.
Her “program” so to speak is working with the church elders ( she was raised Mormon ), seeing a shrink , and just not drinking.
Being given up by her true birth mother that was is an alcoholic and moving from homes to family members a good part of her childhood did not help.
Her mother gave her pot and beer at the age of “10”, she was a victim of molestation more then once and then raised by her aunt and uncle.
Her uncle who she now calls “DAD” is also a big time drunk who beat her also.
Every drug known to man was tried before she met me. The were also a great number of sexual partners before me also.
Most before she was ever married to any of us.
How on earth can a child grow into a healthy woman with all this without some sort of help.
It was never given nor sought due to the fact that this was all “normal” in her world.
No relationship she ever had lasted more then 2 years.
After that mark she thought she would have to cut and run.
About every 6 months she would go though a cycle of depression that would bring her thinking that we would need to part.
This lasted about 2 weeks.
I really think that her issues are far deeper then being an alcoholic.
I do think she would choose just about anything to numb the pain.
The lack of a true Father and love from family has left its mark on her.
Letting go is one thing but truly loving someone despite their faults and past is totally another.
I guess that’s what I struggle with.
I find that my capacity to love is far greater now and my understanding of the traumas of life is there also.
I only hope that with everything she saw in me during our week together somehow would let her know that people can change when they want to and when they get help.
I do believe that a program that is great for one may not work for another. I do understand that there are many ways to change and get help.
Is she doing that? Yes she is seeking help with everything that I just told you.
Will it work? Time will tell.
I’ve seen and heard stories of both success and failure in program of people that have sought help and worked their programs.
Even with going to rehab and still they fall short.
So what is right? I don’t know.
But I do know I feel better about me.
My God where do I start? There seems to be two rules of thought, or should I say to diametrically opposed opinions here.
Both however keep the main point of taking care of myself first before anything else.
Her “program” so to speak is working with the church elders ( she was raised Mormon ), seeing a shrink , and just not drinking.
Being given up by her true birth mother that was is an alcoholic and moving from homes to family members a good part of her childhood did not help.
Her mother gave her pot and beer at the age of “10”, she was a victim of molestation more then once and then raised by her aunt and uncle.
Her uncle who she now calls “DAD” is also a big time drunk who beat her also.
Every drug known to man was tried before she met me. The were also a great number of sexual partners before me also.
Most before she was ever married to any of us.
How on earth can a child grow into a healthy woman with all this without some sort of help.
It was never given nor sought due to the fact that this was all “normal” in her world.
No relationship she ever had lasted more then 2 years.
After that mark she thought she would have to cut and run.
About every 6 months she would go though a cycle of depression that would bring her thinking that we would need to part.
This lasted about 2 weeks.
I really think that her issues are far deeper then being an alcoholic.
I do think she would choose just about anything to numb the pain.
The lack of a true Father and love from family has left its mark on her.
Letting go is one thing but truly loving someone despite their faults and past is totally another.
I guess that’s what I struggle with.
I find that my capacity to love is far greater now and my understanding of the traumas of life is there also.
I only hope that with everything she saw in me during our week together somehow would let her know that people can change when they want to and when they get help.
I do believe that a program that is great for one may not work for another. I do understand that there are many ways to change and get help.
Is she doing that? Yes she is seeking help with everything that I just told you.
Will it work? Time will tell.
I’ve seen and heard stories of both success and failure in program of people that have sought help and worked their programs.
Even with going to rehab and still they fall short.
So what is right? I don’t know.
But I do know I feel better about me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
What a wonderful post, Mr C. Thank you.
I understand exactly what you are saying about your wife. I think many addicts have had terrible childhoods. I think many non-addicts have too. And all find different ways to cope - some by numbing feelings with drugs and alcohol, some by plunging into work, others by focusing excessively on other people (aka codies), and others seek help. I do agree that those who come through an experience like that relatively unscathed are unusual (or in denial.) And I think we should absolutely celebrate those who face up to their issues and seek a different way of living rather than pass on the unhealthy patterning. I DO have compassion for the suffering - I just find it difficult when that is foisted on others.
I also know that it is an incredibly difficult journey. And one that no-one else can walk for us or them. I truly hope that she has put her first foot on the road to recovery. Honestly - nothing would please me more. Except this:
p.s. I get the feeling that you think the same as my ex - that I am a hard-faced, unfeeling cow. I'm not you know.
I understand exactly what you are saying about your wife. I think many addicts have had terrible childhoods. I think many non-addicts have too. And all find different ways to cope - some by numbing feelings with drugs and alcohol, some by plunging into work, others by focusing excessively on other people (aka codies), and others seek help. I do agree that those who come through an experience like that relatively unscathed are unusual (or in denial.) And I think we should absolutely celebrate those who face up to their issues and seek a different way of living rather than pass on the unhealthy patterning. I DO have compassion for the suffering - I just find it difficult when that is foisted on others.
I also know that it is an incredibly difficult journey. And one that no-one else can walk for us or them. I truly hope that she has put her first foot on the road to recovery. Honestly - nothing would please me more. Except this:
I do know I feel better about me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
mr. c - that was a great post. i think all that posted here just know how much turmoil you've been thru and you are right. what works for some may not work for another. as long as you continue to work on you that is the main point. i do hope that you BOTH can truly embrace recovery and whatever is meant to be shall come to pass.
may you have a blessed thanksgiving!
may you have a blessed thanksgiving!
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