wiscgirl30

I really hate myself right now. My life is going downhill fast. I have had an alocohol blackout 3 times in the past month, the last being Tuesday night. I woke up not remembering anything, only to have my 11 and 12 year old boys tell me I was rolling around crying and puking on the bathroom floor and they stayed scared in their beds. I woke up 2 hours late for work. I found out I was asked to leave a bar because I was saying rude stuff to some girl I dont even know. Two days later I am still sick and shaking and I wish I was dead. Why do I do this??? I am so embarrassed. I feel so horrible. My poor kids. I have been doing this for 15 years now - Im 30. What will it take? For me to die? For me to kill someone? I don't want to drink anymore....

Cathy31

Oh, I'm so sorry wiscgirl. But sounds like you are 2 days sober, which is good!!

I was doing what you were doing...but 3 times a week! lUckly I only had a poor husband who was terrorised...however...how I have found support and help and hope and a new lease on life is AA...

Don't be afraid, look it up in the phone book, phone them and someone will pick you up for a meetnig, or meet you outside...it is SO WORTH IT. You will be amazed how your life can come together again and how you can regain your sense of self worth.

Please give it a try...etiher way, keep postnig!!! Many of us have experienced what you are going through now...and it can get better!!!

|Much love
cathy31
x

wiscgirl30

thank you so much......

Cathy31

It will TOTALLY get better, if you can just try and address it - my suggestion is AA.

Another thing that's really helpful is to read lots and lots of posts...I did that for a month before I realised I was an alcoholic and went for help. It REALLY helped me to read stories about people JUST like me.

I know that feeling you describe SO SO SO well!! That bewilderment, remorse, regret, terror, self disgust, shame, it goes on and on and on....

And it's a wonder why we wilfully inflict this torture on ourselves, cause it is torture, but we are addicts and that's what we do...but there IS HOPE AND HELP!!! Soberrecovery is an excellent starting point!!

Can you stay sober for just today....just focus on that!!!

Good luck and keep posting, it's in the past now...and you NEVER have to feel like that again. You can also check out the 'big book' online - on the AA forum - there are some amazing stories in there. SO many are recovering. You can too.

Love
Cathy31
x

Greenbug

I really feel for you and wish you the best. Here are some AA numbers for your state I hope it helps. Knowing you have a problem is the hardest and biggest step, if you so choose it can only get better from now on.

Blessings,
~GB

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/...Office/wi.html

wiscgirl30

Wow, you guys are great. Thank you. Im not sure if I will take the actual step to go to AA or not, I have done so before and think AA people can be really weird. BUT, I do want to start getting back into church, turning to God. I want to be a good mom to my boys - I am all they have. They should never have to see me like that ever again. I want to be loving and energetic and positive for them. Not hung over and sick. When I drink, I think I literally go insane. Is that possible? It is like a whole other personality, my friends say. I am tired of having bruises from falling down. I am tired of being embarrassed and ashamed. I have made a fool out of myself for the last time. That is NOT ME. That is not who I want to be "that one drunk girl at the bar." I don't know *anyone* else like me, who gets drunk like I do. It is so weird. It is so scary. I truly believe I have to never drink again, or Im going to die.

Cathy31

I am like you Wiscgirl. And I think lots of others are too...the bruises, the personality change, feeling like alcohol makes me lose my mind...and the fear that one day I would kill myself or worse someone else...it's such a cunning baffling powerful disease that many of us need a support group like AA (there are others) to cope.

Whatever you do, have a PLAN!!!! This disease will sneak up on you and next thing you'll be drunk as a skunk...or dead!!! So make a plan, if it's not aa, at least try something, ok? Maybe talk to your priest as a starting point, read hte bible, check out other support systems...but do something, ok?

Oh, and keep posting and reading here!!!! It's an amazing place!

love,
Cahty31
x

Greenbug

LOL, remember those words. In time I hope you can laugh at them in retrospect.

This board has alot of people that attend AA, so us "weird" people will be giving you advice also. I used to think "hell a bunch of drunks just waiting to get loaded, I got to stay away from that place" you asked for advice or help so I would just say keep your options open. I thought the same thing when I really didnt want help, my intellectual side said "you have a problem" my decease was saying "YEAH not enough booze". In time can now see how silly that thinking was.

This is not a drinking problem but a THINKING problem. I wish you well. Church is awesome if thats what you so seek, I dont feel it directly helps with addiction/alcohol unless you think this is a will power thing and not a decease?

Blessings,
~GB

roadie58

I cannot put a label on you, but you might possibly be alcoholic. Blackouts are a sign of drinking to excess. I am a member of AA and it has helped me. Please call the local AA office and get their meeting schedule. If you are nervous about attending a meeting in your town, you might try a neighboring community. Good luck and please go to a few meetings, not just one. If you go to 30 meetings in 30 days and find that the program is not for you, your misery will be cheerfully refunded.

REZ

I'm an AA person. Am I totally weird? Church is great, but it does not offer the kind of support that an alcoholic needs. You need to get with people who understand your problems with alcohol and life. You will find them at AA meetings. Do yourself a favor and go with an open mind. It can't make anything worse and it might make things much better!

wiscgirl30

Thanks. I probably will try to check out the aa thing. Right now I just cannot function at all and cannot motivate myself to go anywhere. It is two days later and still dont feel right. Cathy - wow, I didn't know that anyone knew what I was going through. Thank you. Yes - I would say that I am an alcoholic, but not in the way that I have to drink every day. I get really drunk about 3 times a month, dangerously drunk. I can't handle it, yet I can't NOT do it, so I guess that would be an alcoholic. Both my parents and both my brothers are alcoholics - I don't want to be like my parents drinking every day, getting drunk every day. I miss my bf (broke up a month ago) and I was here to hold me. I am so lonely/depressed. I hope I will feel normal again someday soon......

Cathy31

the nice thing about AA is that you meet new friends and you have somewhere to 'GO' when you are COMPELLED to drink...don't be put off by how much or how little you drink..you are still so young. I am 32 and 2 years ago 1 bottle of wine was MORE than enuogh for a good old binge...last time I drank the 2nd bottle was finished and I was looking for more!
Oh, I can totally relate to you and being dangerously drunk, it is SO SCARY!!! You sould like you need support and you will get it here on SR and at a meeting...I can't tell you how good it is to be involved and to belong to something like this...it has changed my life.
I hope you will realise that you are worth it and give it a try...of COURSE you are lonely and depressed, but if you do this, you'll be amazed at how much better you will start to feel!
Keep us posted, it's great to have you here...we're really all in the same boat!
Love
Cathy31
x

tink360

Sounds like you got alot going on and you recognize that you need help...to me an alcoholic is someone who cannot just have one drink and be fine....i think you appear to fall into that category...sometimes days go by and you feel hopeless like theres no other way to live except the way youve been living...you want to be someone else but if only you could figure out where to start...sometimes you even know the steps you have to take but at that point the fear of taking them and giving up what your so comfterable in is the main problem...if you do or have felt this way than i can tottally relate to you....your boys do not deserve this and i think it shows that you truly love them if you want to stop putting them through that situation...aa may seem wierd but at this point i dont think there is anything that is not worth trying for the sake of your life and your family...i admire your desire to seek God and i think thats a wandreful start...but i wouldne neglet your other possibilities...everything is worth a try for the sake of recovery...never leave any option behind...the one thing that may have not worked for one person may be the perfect thing for you....i encourage you to seek out all options you have available andi wish you luck on your road to recovery

roadie58

I called myself an alcoholic when I could not GUARANTEE the outcome if I took one drink. I could not drink like normal people. Sometimes I could cut the lawn and enjoy 2 beers, sometimes I would drink the whole case. Sometimes I could have a drink after dinner, sometimes the bottle of Jack would just disappear. I also mixed drugs and alcohol in increasing quantities.

Please go to AA, I think they might be able to help you.

wiscgirl30

Thank you. You are totally right. I need to make the change NOW. I have had a night like that and felt like this WAY too many times and never really done anything about it. I always think I wont drink that much every again and let myself get out of control, but I always do. I want so much more for my life. Thank you all.

roadie58

That's the disease talking to you. It tells you that you will be okay. I made deals, I'd drink gin instead of whiskey, alone instead of at bars, on dates instead of alone, only on weekends, never with cocaine, after 5 pm.

It never worked out, I'd always take too much. I finally learned that I could put NO alcohol in my system if I didn't want to end up blacked out, in jail, or dead, or crazy. THis is a progam of total abstinence, we wont teach you how to drink like normal people, because we are not normal. Our bodies process alcohol differently, that is why we get the cravings.

wiscgirl30

I understand - I have to not drink at all. I definitely cannot drink like "normal" people. I think I have finally figured that out.

CarolD

Welcome.....I too am one of the AA weirdos/advocates!

Why not attend both church and AA?
Religion can save your soul
AA can save your life.

The type of drinking you are doing is called binge drinking.

Alcoholism is a disease.
Untreated it is incurable and progressive and fatal. No exceptions.

Blessings...

Cathy31

Wisc that's an awesome realisation, it took me a couple of months on SR to get to that point, good for you!!!

Build on that!!!!!

It's been great chatting to you, I'm going to a meeting now. I've had a real dreadful time at work lately, but you know what, I don't have to drink over it I have a program that helps me to stay sober just for today...and believe it or not, I really look forward to my meetings...as someone once said, AA is the best entertainment on earth - and it's free too!!!

Keep posting!!!Sounds like you are making great progress..just remember the further we are from our last blackout the more invincible and NORMAL we feel!!!

Great to meet you!

Love,
Cathy31
x

wiscgirl30

Yikes! People got offended by my "weird" comment! Sorry! My aunt was all into aa and just acted like she was in a cult and stuff, I didn't mean anything by it. Im sure most people aren't "weird" - just serious!

I have another question, that no one else has ever been able to relate to. Do any of you feel suicidal when you are hung over? When I am hung over, I can't even begin to describe how much I hate myself - usually after a blackout. And for the next couple of days I thinK "You deserve to be dead" I want to run headfirst into a brick wall, have someone beat me up, shoot myself in the head. Something painful and messy. I know it sounds insane, but its true. The more painful the better cuz that is what I feel I deserve. Dont get all scared on me though, I wouldn't do anything, they are Just thoughts. Scary thoughts.