Scotty C

I am in a bit of a quandry here..........Things have been getting worse between myself and my AW............She admitted to me something that she probably should not have..........we were about 20 mins into an arguement where I had decided to sleep on the couch, and I caught the fact that she could not tell me what we were fighting about, well she agreed and proceeded to tell me that she couldnt tell me what she had made for dinner, or dozens of other things.........wow........what do you say to that, I mean I suspected these things but not all of them, not things like walking outside in the morning and asking me "Who cut the Grass?" when she had just prior to sundown the day before..........Im at a loss for words..........she is in compleat denial, and when confronted she trys to deflect on her mom is far worse, "Mom is the Real A, Not Me!"............just dont know, my kids have it worse than I do they get the verbal/emotional abuse when Im not here........Im in the Army so I have been gone quite a bit the last few yrs.........Right now just keepin keepin on but I am really considering leaving with the kids.................

UrbanFool

She may not be in denial, she may be embarrassed as anything to admit it. Trust me, we KNOW. Tomorrow I'll be thirty days sober, and I still couldn't tell you what happened this morning. I can tell you what happened last night, who I talked to on the phone, etc... but have no idea what happened this morning.

Edited: Hopefully that will go away soon.

Kelly

guyinNC

Hi Scotty,

You cant help her, she has to help herself. I am slowly learning this nasty fact about alcoholism.

I tried everything to help my wife, but all attempts at help were rejected. In fact she saw it as me trying to control her.

My wife got thinner and thinner from her drinking, never out of control. Memory problems, not from being flat out drunk, just the slow damage of alcohol, rehab, affair with a drunk from rehab, DWI, and now she has lost me, the kids, her home.

I'm still not sure she understands how bad she has screwed up her life.

But you can't save her, these people in this forum can help you. They have helped me.

I wish you luck, take care of the kids and yourself.

Scotty C

Not so sure that that is the case, anytime the coversation goes to her she wont agree that she has a problem, mom does or any other instances, or" hey yeah I forgot you are so perfect".....I love that one

Scotty C

Thanks Guy........I know that you are probably no stranger to the minority that we are in as guys with AW's....How was the legal system with your situation?....thanks for the positive vibes

UrbanFool

I never once 'fessed up. I usually cuss and stalk off. Then I got really good and simply asked absolutely nothing I wasn't sure of the answer to. And, I wrote down everyone I talked to the night before, and jotted down the jist of the conversation. And, first thing in the morning I checked my "sent messages" folder to see who I emailed and what... It's a friggen career. And I can admit it now --I'm my dad although I swore I'd never be like that.

You'd be surprised.

Kelly

JessicaNAJ

The best thing you can do is take care of you and those kids the best you can. The only one that can help her is herself.

Like GuyinNC, I thought I was helping my AH only for him to tell me that I was controlling. That hurt me alot when he said that, but a year later I was able to agree that my helping was infact a way of me controlling.

Scotty C

Well controlling really isnt the way that I am, so I am quite aware that as an outsider there really is not a whole lot that I am able to do without being controlling. I'm just trying to find a way...........

Gabe

Scotty, being the daughter of a military man, I know there is a high incidence of alcoholism in military wives. From what I understand, there are some good programs in place to support families who struggle with this. Don't know if you are comfortable looking into that or not, but thought I would suggest it.
Denial and deflection are two big symptoms of this disease.
Until she's ready to admit she has a problem and wants help, there isn't much you can do for her.
There are things you can do for you and your kids though.

JessicaNAJ

Scotty, I wasn't saying that I thought you were controlling, just that in my situation the more I tried to help the more controlling I became....and it took a year after we split and I started working on me to really see it.

It's really hard when there are kids involved. I have two myself. Like I said before, You have to do what is best for you and your kids. Take good care of you

Scotty C

Sorry I went back and read my post.......my tone probably came out as defensive but it was not.........Thanks for the input

JessicaNAJ

You're fine. We are all here for each other.

Cap3

Hey Scotty,i cant speak on behalf of you wife.But i can relate.Im alocoholic,who also goes to al-anon.For myself,when i first came to recovery, i was in a fog..My mind was not clear.My last drunk i was in a black-out.I dont to this day remember anything i did or said to others at the party,that i was to.,that night.Nothing.It has never come back to me.Folks told me i was talking to them,laughing,crying,,etc.I dont remember.I was in a total black-out.Denil,is saying,im not as bad,as so and so.,and actually believing the lies that i tell myself.It,can,be, part of the disease.its a disease,of denil..Suggestion if i may,to,read/learn all you can about alcholism,this will help give you insights.
Al-anon is a great recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.There is also a recovery program for the kids,called ala-teen.great programs!!!!Alcoholism is often called the family disease.You are no longer all alone.There is help...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,you and your family.

guyinNC

Hi Scotty,

Legal wise, I'm in good shape. She made really bad decisions which has left me holding all the cards.

She is out of the house...I'm in the house, with my kids who want to be with me. Trying for a separation agreement...less expensive and less painful for everyone.

I can prove the adultry, which is a bar to alimony in my state. Will have to share half of marital assets, will get an equity loan to pay her off.

I hate that it has happened, but she really forced my hand and I simply reacted. My only hope now is that she will recover, get on her feet, and repair her relationship with the kids. I have forgiven her, no longer angry...but I can't go back.

You can research the divorce laws in your state on line. Do this before you contact a lawyer.

Take Care

Cynay

Welcome Scotty.... Sorry you are going through this but glad that you found us.

I guess the choice comes down to what do you want to do about it. There is NO WAY you are going to change her unless she wants help. You could do an intervention but I have not heard of many of them being sucessful if they did not want to get sober.

Just remember the 3 Cs. You did not Cause it, You cant Control it, and you cant Cure it... so it comes down to what your willing to live with. Please remember to take care of you though.... its important.