Back Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: MIDCOAST NH
Posts: 326
Back Again
Went a month on a perc. binge. I start and stop Over and Over! So pissed! Clean for 41 hours...feeling bad. What the hell is wrong with me? So much to live for yet I keep going back to descructive behavior. I need to make it happen this time. Only thing I'm good at is going back to using.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I was wondering where you went Golf. Welcome back. 41 hours huh? Less than half a day to go to hit the big 2 days.
Congrats on your first day sober. You can do it, one minute at a time.
Congrats on your first day sober. You can do it, one minute at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: waysouth
Posts: 388
Aw Golf,
The best part of your post is that you picked YOURSELF back up. 41 hours and counting.
Evenually you'll find that you are good at many things; one of those things will be learning how to say NO and choose life.
(Hey, once you figure it out let me know, OK)
Glad you're back!
Much Love~SS
The best part of your post is that you picked YOURSELF back up. 41 hours and counting.
Evenually you'll find that you are good at many things; one of those things will be learning how to say NO and choose life.
(Hey, once you figure it out let me know, OK)
Glad you're back!
Much Love~SS
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Originally Posted by shestruggles
Aw Golf,
The best part of your post is that you picked YOURSELF back up. 41 hours and counting.
Evenually you'll find that you are good at many things; one of those things will be learning how to say NO and choose life.
(Hey, once you figure it out let me know, OK)
Glad you're back!
Much Love~SS
The best part of your post is that you picked YOURSELF back up. 41 hours and counting.
Evenually you'll find that you are good at many things; one of those things will be learning how to say NO and choose life.
(Hey, once you figure it out let me know, OK)
Glad you're back!
Much Love~SS
Hey Golf,
Sooo good to see you back..
SS is right, the best part of your post is that you did pick yourself up and
you came back to life, and back to SR... So give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself. People have relapses, people have slips, if you concentrate ( like I did for a long time) on the fact that it seems like you can't ever seem to get and stay clean, you'll be wasting good energy and time that you could be doing things and concentrating on getting better, getting help.
For me,( and I was a constant relapser, slipper (lol) ) it took me really admitting that I was powerless over the painkillers, and I needed to accept all the help I could get. I needed to reach out to all the groups available. Eventually, I chose which ones "fit" me and stuck with those, but in the beginning, I was searching for help through all of them. I have been to NA, AA, all kinds of mental health groups, Celebrate recovery, treatments, and , probably some I missed here. I didn't stick completely with all of them, although did alot, but I did try, I wanted help in the worst way.. I was begging god to just show me the way to help, the right direction.
It takes people what it takes, all people are different. For me, I needed alot of help. Some maybe don't... I don't feel bad admitting that I do and did need alot of help, doesn't matter what others think, what matters is that I get the help I need.
I don't remember what groups you belong to, if any?? Or if you have reached out to anyone other than SR.
Sr is a great tool, but I can't imagine for me, SR being enough. I need more. Maybe you do to, and liek I said, I don't remember maybe you do belong to
a group of some sort..??
I am very happy you are back here.
I dn't know if you remember Liam? But it seems like you and him were here around the same time, and he hasn't come back, at least that I have seen?
So, be very grateful, that some one is looking out for you, and "bringing you out of the fog" to another chance..
Hang in there and post your heart out.. It does help..
Love, Becky
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Aww Golf...
You have the disease of addiction, thats what's the matter.When I left mine untreated, I always relapsed too.Have you tried NA yet? You know, it really works golf. I am sorry you are feeling bad.
Welcome back golf.
Mad love!
Trish
You have the disease of addiction, thats what's the matter.When I left mine untreated, I always relapsed too.Have you tried NA yet? You know, it really works golf. I am sorry you are feeling bad.
Welcome back golf.
Mad love!
Trish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: MIDCOAST NH
Posts: 326
Angel. Your words are so kind, Thank You. You'll NEVER EVER know how much they mean to me. No this is the only support for me. My Family has no idea, my wife would leave 100%. I could never let her know. My strength has to come from me and this board no other options. I also live in a small community, I know who cares, but I can't go to any na meetings. Wish I could but not really an option. See I told my wife when this first started...2.5 years ago, she damn near left, I quit for just a bit...you know how that works. If she found out she would toss me out NOW. Again, Angel, glad to be back and with the good Lord willing I'll succeed this time..
Miraclen, You are right addiction is a diease and i DON'T WANT IT TO KILL ME.
I'm51 hours clean...*****OO.....feeling crappy as hell.
Liam? Yea I remember Angel. My experience is when I'm out of pills I return, sad but maybe that is the case here with Liam.
Best to you both ALWAYS!
Miraclen, You are right addiction is a diease and i DON'T WANT IT TO KILL ME.
I'm51 hours clean...*****OO.....feeling crappy as hell.
Liam? Yea I remember Angel. My experience is when I'm out of pills I return, sad but maybe that is the case here with Liam.
Best to you both ALWAYS!
Livin' the NA WAY
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Lewis & Clark Area
Posts: 52
Golf,
Sounds like you are aware of your addiction and what it is doing to your life.
I know for me, it was hard as well to make it to an NA meeting. I am a business professional and well respected in my community. I also have been married for 11 years.
A) If I didn't get help, I would have lost my wife, regardless of what I did or said.
B) Most everyone knew something was up.
C) I am now respected more that they know I survived that hell.
D) Now being involved in service at the Group and Area level, I learned that it would have been a whole lot harder saving face from behind bars, or my wife explaining why we were no longer together.
I too rode the rollercoaster for a number of years. It was hell, not only on me, but my wife and marriage as well. I didn't think she knew half of what she did, nor what others do.
I wasn't able to get and stay clean on my own regardless of what I did.
Others, as yourself my be able to. I just hope you don't pass a chance up to get and stay clean before you lose what you do have now.
This is just what worked for me. I had many, many reasons to stay clean and never did. In the end I ended up losing my sanity, and was spiritual dead and beaten down inside. Thankfully I didn't lose my wife, my job, but most of all my life.
I hope you are able to find what works for you and stick to it.
Sincerely,
Chad H.
Sounds like you are aware of your addiction and what it is doing to your life.
I know for me, it was hard as well to make it to an NA meeting. I am a business professional and well respected in my community. I also have been married for 11 years.
A) If I didn't get help, I would have lost my wife, regardless of what I did or said.
B) Most everyone knew something was up.
C) I am now respected more that they know I survived that hell.
D) Now being involved in service at the Group and Area level, I learned that it would have been a whole lot harder saving face from behind bars, or my wife explaining why we were no longer together.
I too rode the rollercoaster for a number of years. It was hell, not only on me, but my wife and marriage as well. I didn't think she knew half of what she did, nor what others do.
I wasn't able to get and stay clean on my own regardless of what I did.
Others, as yourself my be able to. I just hope you don't pass a chance up to get and stay clean before you lose what you do have now.
This is just what worked for me. I had many, many reasons to stay clean and never did. In the end I ended up losing my sanity, and was spiritual dead and beaten down inside. Thankfully I didn't lose my wife, my job, but most of all my life.
I hope you are able to find what works for you and stick to it.
Sincerely,
Chad H.
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Hey, good to hear from you
I too live in a very, very small community, as a matter of fact, it's so small, it's called a
village, lol, really. Like 1700 people, or around that number..
I go to the city that next to mine for meetings, also for my therapist and everything else that has to do with my recovery, we only have 1 AA meeting here a a church where I live, and I did attend that for a time, but this particular group wasn;t real open to addicts speaking about their drug of choice at the meetings, they could attend, they could say addict, they just weren't allowed to talk about drugs, and that was fine, it was a wonderful group, old timers that knew alot about the disease, but I needed to be able to talk about the DOC. So I chose to move on. Not all AA meetings are like that, some are though, and some don't ven want you to mention Drugs/Addict period in the meetings. But that's ok, there are other meetings. I just
moved on. I found what I needed through traveling from one group to another.
I now attend Celebrate Recovery. I LOVE IT!!! It's a christian based 12 step group.
But that is only one of the things I do.. Thjere are more. Like I said, I need alot.
I just hope sometime you will consider searching out help.. and also fessing up to your wife. maybe she needs to attend a Alanon, or Nar-anonl, mayeb she would understand better, and be more accpeting of it all? I don't know, all I know is what happened for me. That was, I had no choice, I had to go to the hospital for help, and Chad is right, ALOT more people really did know something , although they really didn't know what I was on for sure, they knew I was definately different though, and it wasn't pleaseant. Most were just very happy and very relieved that I was getting the help I needed,,
There is a saying, and I'd like to share it with you..
You only as sick as your secrets are...
See, you could have a huge burden lifted just in admitting your problem. It's a lonely tough disease, sickness to fight, when you don't have anyone face to face to help you through it all. Especially while in wwithdrawal, that is So hard..
I am just giving you a bit of support here. I know how hard it is. I remember what it was like, going it alone. You do have SR, but it's just not the same.
You do whatever it is you have to do, buddy, we'll be here supporting you, buit stick around read and post. Let us know how you are doing. Especially while you have no on else to tell......
I pray Liam is alright.. For now that's all we can do. I also thank god you came back here
Kepp hanging on.. It keeps gettin easier..
Love ya, Becky
I too live in a very, very small community, as a matter of fact, it's so small, it's called a
village, lol, really. Like 1700 people, or around that number..
I go to the city that next to mine for meetings, also for my therapist and everything else that has to do with my recovery, we only have 1 AA meeting here a a church where I live, and I did attend that for a time, but this particular group wasn;t real open to addicts speaking about their drug of choice at the meetings, they could attend, they could say addict, they just weren't allowed to talk about drugs, and that was fine, it was a wonderful group, old timers that knew alot about the disease, but I needed to be able to talk about the DOC. So I chose to move on. Not all AA meetings are like that, some are though, and some don't ven want you to mention Drugs/Addict period in the meetings. But that's ok, there are other meetings. I just
moved on. I found what I needed through traveling from one group to another.
I now attend Celebrate Recovery. I LOVE IT!!! It's a christian based 12 step group.
But that is only one of the things I do.. Thjere are more. Like I said, I need alot.
I just hope sometime you will consider searching out help.. and also fessing up to your wife. maybe she needs to attend a Alanon, or Nar-anonl, mayeb she would understand better, and be more accpeting of it all? I don't know, all I know is what happened for me. That was, I had no choice, I had to go to the hospital for help, and Chad is right, ALOT more people really did know something , although they really didn't know what I was on for sure, they knew I was definately different though, and it wasn't pleaseant. Most were just very happy and very relieved that I was getting the help I needed,,
There is a saying, and I'd like to share it with you..
You only as sick as your secrets are...
See, you could have a huge burden lifted just in admitting your problem. It's a lonely tough disease, sickness to fight, when you don't have anyone face to face to help you through it all. Especially while in wwithdrawal, that is So hard..
I am just giving you a bit of support here. I know how hard it is. I remember what it was like, going it alone. You do have SR, but it's just not the same.
You do whatever it is you have to do, buddy, we'll be here supporting you, buit stick around read and post. Let us know how you are doing. Especially while you have no on else to tell......
I pray Liam is alright.. For now that's all we can do. I also thank god you came back here
Kepp hanging on.. It keeps gettin easier..
Love ya, Becky
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
My thoughts are, NO WAY....
You are how many hours into it? Why do that to youself again,
Just keep saying, I can do this. Pray, Pray, and pray some more..
You can do this..
But don't start with a methdone, it's not liek a methadone clinic if that s
what your thinkin??
Just take care of yurself, you're this far in, and you are makin it,
Methadone is not something you want to be kickin either, so I'd stay away
from it..
That's how I feel.
Hope you do the right thing.
Hang in there,
Love, Becky
You are how many hours into it? Why do that to youself again,
Just keep saying, I can do this. Pray, Pray, and pray some more..
You can do this..
But don't start with a methdone, it's not liek a methadone clinic if that s
what your thinkin??
Just take care of yurself, you're this far in, and you are makin it,
Methadone is not something you want to be kickin either, so I'd stay away
from it..
That's how I feel.
Hope you do the right thing.
Hang in there,
Love, Becky
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Greentree, PA
Posts: 276
Try to exercise. It helps, believe it or not. Hot showers/baths also made me feel a bit better.
I tried Ginseng tea and it did seem to help a bit. Celestial Seasons you can buy at the supermarket.
As far as the family goes.....I thought my addiction was a big secret, but they all knew, even though they didn't want to admit it to themselves. When I finally told them, they all said..."I KNEW something awful was wrong with you." They were mad, of course and hurt. But that was a consequence I had to face...I had earned it.
They trust me and respect me now. It's really tough to do this alone...as you are experiencing with the relapsing, etc. I hope you can find a way to get the help you need.
Ashley
I tried Ginseng tea and it did seem to help a bit. Celestial Seasons you can buy at the supermarket.
As far as the family goes.....I thought my addiction was a big secret, but they all knew, even though they didn't want to admit it to themselves. When I finally told them, they all said..."I KNEW something awful was wrong with you." They were mad, of course and hurt. But that was a consequence I had to face...I had earned it.
They trust me and respect me now. It's really tough to do this alone...as you are experiencing with the relapsing, etc. I hope you can find a way to get the help you need.
Ashley
Think Happy Thoughts
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: cHiCaGo iL
Posts: 245
Golf, i cant say enough how much respect i have for those who can realize they need to stop on their own. You are already strong for the steps youve taken so far!:bravo Its hard when it seems like your whole world is going to crash around you and you must feel alot of pressure having to keep this a secret, but if your wife truley loves you she would do her part and help you through this. i would hate for you to go through all this on your own. i have faith that if you can get this far then you have the fight in you to make it all the way
keep strong hun i know you can do it! but also look into doing more to ensure your sucess. this disease is gunna hit you with all its got so give all you got.
keep strong hun i know you can do it! but also look into doing more to ensure your sucess. this disease is gunna hit you with all its got so give all you got. Livin' the NA WAY
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Lewis & Clark Area
Posts: 52
Golf,
I took a lot of vitamins when I was withdrawaling which helped immensely. Do you have RLS?
The best thing I can suggest is a multi-vitamin, Zinc/Magnesium (For the Restless legs), Vit B6 or B12 (For absorbtion), and up to 4g (4000mg - usually cone in 500mg pills) L-Tyrosine. And banana's for the potassium.
I always started this regimen well ahead of time in the WD's but it is never too late. Especially for the L-Tyrosine. It is a natural vitamin available at any GNC or Wal-mart(I think, when I got clean we didn't have wal-mart)
This is from the Thomas Recipe. He is a pretty cool guy I used to board with a few years back. He had withdrawn enough time to come up with a recipe to make it between runs.
It worked for me(except for the benzo part, I just kept abusing those too), until I got to the point where I just got sick of withdrawaling...
and went to any mean necessary to recover.
Hope you are getting through alright,
Chad H.
I took a lot of vitamins when I was withdrawaling which helped immensely. Do you have RLS?
The best thing I can suggest is a multi-vitamin, Zinc/Magnesium (For the Restless legs), Vit B6 or B12 (For absorbtion), and up to 4g (4000mg - usually cone in 500mg pills) L-Tyrosine. And banana's for the potassium.
I always started this regimen well ahead of time in the WD's but it is never too late. Especially for the L-Tyrosine. It is a natural vitamin available at any GNC or Wal-mart(I think, when I got clean we didn't have wal-mart)
This is from the Thomas Recipe. He is a pretty cool guy I used to board with a few years back. He had withdrawn enough time to come up with a recipe to make it between runs.
It worked for me(except for the benzo part, I just kept abusing those too), until I got to the point where I just got sick of withdrawaling...
and went to any mean necessary to recover.
Hope you are getting through alright,
Chad H.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
