suze37

Hi again, I,m new here and after 1 day have already learnt so much and have been reading for most of the day.
Its been pointed out to me that I need to help my two children right now as they are often criticised by AH. AH has left the family home recently in attempt to become sober but turns up saying he,s not been drinking but has, i dont confront him anymore but I can now see this is turning into a pattern thats going round in circles. He says I should allow him to move back into family home and start his recovery here but from painful experience it starts off ok then as soon as something happens ie, row or kids do domething he hits the bottle and turns into the other side of his character that is not very nice. What I want to know is do I wait or is the best thing I can do take steps to leave myself. He has not contributed financially for a while and I am trying to shoulder all the debts etc.
I know I am rambling but its taken me along time to face up to whats happening and not deny it all anymore. There are so many of you that have been here and I could just do with some ideas or stories that will inspire me.
Thanks so much you are all very special no one around me has ever been able to give me answers like i,ve had here in the past day. I am lucky though because I have great family and good freinds but I just dont bore them with it all anymore !!! Please point me in right direction
Many thanks Suze

walkingtheline

The first direction should be Al-anon! Depending on the children's ages, consider teen-anon for them as well. Remember, alcoholism is a family disease.

Next, ask yourself...what do YOU want? Where you go, how you go and how you get there is up to you and should follow your dreams, desires and plans. There's a great Yogi Berra quote: "If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up someplace else." Know where you want to go and then plan how to get there!

OH, I forgot...WELCOME! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

suze37

Hi My kids are 12 and 17 but its the younger one who gets targeted the most but I know the inpact hits them both. I rang alnon today but the line was busy and i was told to try again. That was a big step because I live in small area and I a bit scared of being exposed if you know what I mean. I feel abit selfish because I am trying to hide how we are living and H tells everyone when he is on a bender that I have left him and that its our fault meaning me and the kids.

I have never left him and I dont have much of my own life anymore he thinks I dont have enough time for him because I work and am a mum family member etc. I hang in there because part of me thinks maybe I am the one who is wrong. Then I think if I left him to get on with the drinking then maybe there wouldnt be so may issues. I am feeling sorry for myself now I do feel really sad for us all we have only been married for 14 months its a shamble at the moment.
Thanks again I am sure I will see the light soon its defiently coming but its all very confusing....

walkingtheline

Right now I suspect some people think, "Oh, there's that poor woman who is married to that drunkard". Take charge of your own life and attend al-anon and you'll perhaps become, "Oh, there's that woman who turned her life around...doesn't she look good?"

Perspective...keep it in perspective.

cwohio

welcome suze - i'm sure others will respond to your post with good info. al-anon is definitely something that will help you. you will probably also hear something to the effect of: he needs to walk the walk, not talk the talk. he needs to exhibit to you that he is serious about recovery before you will let him move back if that's what you feel. you will learn about boundaries and other tools in al-anon. come back often - it helps!

minnie

Hi there Suze - I'm across the Pennines from you, but don't hold that against me!

Welcome - you've found a fantastic site here. Keep trying the al-anon number. I know it is engaged a lot, but it is well worth it.

Chris (cwohio) makes a good point about waiting until he has proved himself before you let him come back home. See some action forst, otherwise the merry go round will carry on.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

suze37

Thanks minnie I am just making the tea and I all I can think about is what next? I havnt heard from H for a few days now the trye marks are in the drive from when he screeced away a couple of nights ago. I,m facing up to my own fears now I,ve really taken it on about my children and the effects on them.

I keep thinking if I dont question him and let him carry on the way he used to (drinking every day etc) we can get back where we where. But then I think oh yeah the moods will still be there the control etc and the constant worry of money etc so I,m going with my gut instinct and the very good advice i,ve had.
I hope he dosent come to be honest it will make it easier!!!
Nice to get some feedback keep in touch
Suze

suze37

Hi just thought i,d let you know what happened next. H turned up tonight had been drrinking but I took a deep breath and ignored the alcohol and said Hi how are you?. It was hard because really I was thinking oh you siad that you where going to stop etc but I stuck to my guns and didnt mention alcohol once. The funny thing is that he started to try and convince me that this was the last time and that he was really going to stop this time. It was weird because for the first time I saw him in a different light and I could see that this time was no different than any of the other times. My daughther who is 12 then called me into the other room and said' I mean it mum if he comes back whilst he is still drinking I am leaving'. I thought oh heck!!! I calmly told daughter that he would not be coming back just yet and that I really loved her etc and that I was going to put her first. - I recieved this excellent advice from someone earlier today thank you.
You know what I feel so much better already, H left smiling we didnt row and I didnt give him the third degree, and my daughter is singing in the kitchen.
I have hope for tomorrow... I would not have made these few little changes if I had not have come to this site so keep it coming please thanks so much Suze

controlfreak

Hi Suze,

After reading your response on my thread, I knew we were kindred spirits and jumped over to read yours. Even though I am just getting back into recovery, I do know how important Alanon is...it saved my life last time and I know it will again. Please keep calling until you find a meeting and keep going even if you don’t like the first meeting or think it won’t help. Believe me, if you work the 12 Step Program, it will help. And don’t worry about people finding out. An important part of Alanon, AA, etc. is confidentiality. “What is said there, stays there!” Also, people only use their first name. Hang in there. I’m right beside you making that journey toward peace and serenity.

Control

controlfreak

Suze,

These are the things that helped me when I first got started in recovery and, after backsliding, it's also the things I'm doing now. 1. Alanon, Alanon, Alanon 2) This board 3) The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (There's a thread about this book on this board right now and it's entitled "Getting Them Sober". Check it out because the title of the book is not what the book is about). 4) The book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself" by Melody Beattie. She also has an audio tape of the book and I've got it as well. I'll keep a check on your thread. Just believe that things can and will get better!


CF

suze37

First thankyou to all of you for your support and kind thoughts.
I managed to get through to alanon the lady was so understanding and made me feel 'normal' instead of some pathetic sad woman (thats how I feel when others ask why I put up with my H drinking.
Anyway meeting is tonight and I am still going throught he same old stuff in my mind, 'what will I say' is my situation bad enought to attend such a group, will someone know me!
I know these sound silly and maybe reak of denial but I am scared!!
I know that I need to be strong but I feel so sad and AH is showing no signs of getting better in fact he,s going down hill raidly.
I wont bore you all - better start making plans to attend the meeting eh?
Many best wishes to all my new friends here thank you

minnie

suze

So glad you've found out about a meeting. First of all, let me reassure you that it's anonymous. If you know anyone, just remember that they are there for the same reasons as you. If you are affected by someone elses drinking, then you belong there as much as anybody else. Just think of it as a room of people just like of all of us here, but armed with real tissues and real-life hugs.

You don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it. I don't know how your group will be run, but mine has a topic every week. It might be a Step, a slogan or something else from the literature. One person will do a main share on the subject, then the meeting is opened up for anyone else to share, taking it in turns with no conversation (cross-talk). As the end, we open the meeting up and anyone can share on anything else to do with recovery. That's when the newcomers usually speak, but only if they want. If you don't feel comfortable in the first meeting, I would recommend you go to at least another 5, as each meeting is very different. Don't forget, it's holiday time at the mo, so there might not be as many people there, so the dynamic might be different in a couple of weeks.

My advice is to get there 15 mins early and tell someone there it's your first time. You can help get the chairs out or something and it's easier to chat then. Stick around for a little while afterwards as well.

I hope you have the same experience as one of our newcomers the other week. She was very upset by the end of the meeting and I spent a little while chatting to her and gave her my phone number. She called a couple of days later and we had a long talk. Turns out she lives in a town near me, so we met up for lunch and had a lovely time. We speak every other day or so and have formed a really nice friendship already. And I get as much if not more out of our conversations as she does, believe me.

Let us know how you get on.

Girlfriend

Hi Suze,

Welcome to SR!! The best place you can be besides Al-anon meetings. These people here have lived the stories being told and are here to help others with the same problems.

Great advice given already. I'd just like to add (and I know this is forefront in your mind) that kids absorb so much more than we think we do. They often blame themselves for their parent's addictions.

"If only I would've been better, Dad wouldn't have drank so much". "If only I would have done what they told me to and gotten better grades in school, he wouldn't come home that way and fight with Mom".

It's sad. I'm a RA of many years and my daughter actually thought that my drinking and sadness was caused by her. It had nothing to do with her. She's grown now and very successful despite her and her brother's rough childhood with an abusive Dad and a drinking Mom. They became the parents because he and I acted like children. They both lost out on their childhood and they can't get that back.

Stick with Al anon and maybe after awhile, have your kids come with you and they, too, can learn what alcoholism is and what it does not only to the A, but the family, too.

Good luck!

((hugs))

suze37

Well I know honesty is the best policy so here goes -- I didnt go to the meeting!!

I need to tell you all as I feel terrible cause people have been thinking of me and I sat here terrified untill I talked myself out of going!!

Well what I can say is that I have already altered my approach and when H rang today I didnt question him (even though he sounded like he had been drinking) and he said 'you sound really different"
I thought oh yikes I must be taking something in eh!!
Anyway he said he,s going to see the GP on 2 Sept because his mum has told him he cant stay at her house whilst he is still drinking - she,s stepped into my role ?
Anyway I am learning daily I still feel sick to the pit of my stomach when I think of all the stuff that he,s left me to deal with but I on my way.
The girls are laughing and havnt asked after H tonight i,ll keep working on going to a meeting at least I know where it is now

Many thanks to you all this site has given me hope I never thought I waould have

controlfreak

Suze

I'm sure others will jump in here but recovery is not about guilt and you won't be going to Alanon for anyone other than yourself so there is absolutely not reason for you to feel guilty!! Think about it this way - you are a lot closer to a meeting than you were two weeks ago. Also, if it makes you feel better, the first time I went to an Alanon meeting, I was also terrified and I left. The following week I went back again but this time I got there about 15 or 20 minutes early. There were not as many people there yet and I told myself all I had to do was walk a few steps and say one sentence (i.e., Could you tell me where the Alanon meeting is?). Surely I could do that. Well I did and immediately someone took me under their wing. I know someone will do that for you as well. Last Sunday when I went back after being gone for 16 years, it was still hard but I had reached the point where I was not going to let ANYTHING keep me from recovery. You'll reach that point to when you're ready.

Cynay

Boy do I know what you mean.... I was scared too, and really afraid I would open my mouth and say something horrible.

I hated AA/Al-anon, I blamed the program for my ex-abf having the attitude he did and for the ending of our relationship. Boy did I have alot to learn. Trust me there is someone there that has gone through what you are, even if in part, and understands...

When your ready you will get there.

Dawn10

Hi Suze,
The previous posts are right--don't let guilt rule you. You will go to a meeting when you get there! The first one is the hardest, really. I actually had someone drive me to my first meeting. I knew I wouldn't go if I didn't.
I have seen your garner strength from the first time you posted until now. Recovery is a process--it doesn't happen in a few minutes, hours days or even months. It is a life style change. And what you are experiencing--a life without your husband is like recovery.
I will add only one more thing. My therapist gave me the definition of "Insanity"--it is doing the same thing over and over again the same way and expecting a different outcome.
It doesn't happen that way. So, if you are tempted to let your H return with his old ways intact, think of that.
Hang in there!

suze37

[QUOTE=Dawn10]Hi Suze,
My therapist gave me the definition of "Insanity"--it is doing the same thing over and over again the same way and expecting a different outcome.
It doesn't happen that way.

This is great !!

Thanks I am hanging in!!
Suze

suze37

Dawn I tried to do one of the quote things like you all do when it comes up in a shaded strip - how do you do it?

Dawn10

Hi Suze,
Maybe someone else who is more computer literate can help with that. I have tried it before and had the same response as you!! I am glad I am not the only one.