I did it, he's gone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I did it, he's gone!
I told my ah I wanted a divorce. He was mad at me for not paying the bills. GUILTY I admit it. But that's a whole other issue.
Anyway he doesn't argue much anyway and goes and calls someone and packs a bag and leaves. This is huge for me, I have told him countless times to leave and he won't ever go, this time he really did and I'm kinda freaked out.
Oh and before he left, he told me thanks, yea thanks for "never doing anything for our family, and thanks for just giving up on everything." oh and he called me a loser, how sweet huh?
I don't know what's going to happen, but for now I have a night to myself and it feels really good. I am going to read and pray and try to get some direction.
If it comes to a divorce it's gonna get very ugly he is a very vengeful person and he will make it hell for me. I am scared!
I did tell my kids that I asked him to leave and that I didn't know for sure what was going to happen. I told them that thier dad and I love them and that I just needed some peace. They got a little tearey eyed, but seemed okay. I hope I didn't make them too sad.
Mindi
Anyway he doesn't argue much anyway and goes and calls someone and packs a bag and leaves. This is huge for me, I have told him countless times to leave and he won't ever go, this time he really did and I'm kinda freaked out.
Oh and before he left, he told me thanks, yea thanks for "never doing anything for our family, and thanks for just giving up on everything." oh and he called me a loser, how sweet huh?
I don't know what's going to happen, but for now I have a night to myself and it feels really good. I am going to read and pray and try to get some direction.
If it comes to a divorce it's gonna get very ugly he is a very vengeful person and he will make it hell for me. I am scared!
I did tell my kids that I asked him to leave and that I didn't know for sure what was going to happen. I told them that thier dad and I love them and that I just needed some peace. They got a little tearey eyed, but seemed okay. I hope I didn't make them too sad.
Mindi
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((((queen))) wondered where u have been girl - sorry to here the news but for you and the kids i hope it brings some peace. my AH is in detox once again after a dui a couple months ago. i am considering separation so i know the feelings you have. hang in there and don't be a stranger!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((Mindi)))
Missed you! Big news, huh? One baby step at a time and don't listen to his quacking. And don't be a stranger here - there are a lot of people in your situation at the moment.
Glad to see you back.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Missed you! Big news, huh? One baby step at a time and don't listen to his quacking. And don't be a stranger here - there are a lot of people in your situation at the moment.
Glad to see you back.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
(((Queen)))
Suggestion-
Seek legal advice ASAP. You could find no money in joint accounts, new joint accounts opened and run up, your house put up for sale, ATM passwords changed, he could pick up the kids at school and take them wherever he is...the list is almost endless. PROTECT yourself and your children!
I've missed your voice here.
Suggestion-
Seek legal advice ASAP. You could find no money in joint accounts, new joint accounts opened and run up, your house put up for sale, ATM passwords changed, he could pick up the kids at school and take them wherever he is...the list is almost endless. PROTECT yourself and your children!
I've missed your voice here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Thanks for the advice. We don't have joint accts so that's good. The house is only in mine and my moms name whew!
I set up a auto payment for my car payment today, counting on his paycheck, I guess that is going to bouce. He is such a jerk about money, the last time we seperated he would not give me any money at all, I actually paid him (talk about mind control)!!!!
Last night when he was packing a bag I started following him around trying to talk to him!!! Then I thought of all the things I have read here and I stopped!! I was strong this time and it's all because of SR!!!! Thank You so much for being a source of strength I hope I can keep it up!!!
Mindi
I set up a auto payment for my car payment today, counting on his paycheck, I guess that is going to bouce. He is such a jerk about money, the last time we seperated he would not give me any money at all, I actually paid him (talk about mind control)!!!!
Last night when he was packing a bag I started following him around trying to talk to him!!! Then I thought of all the things I have read here and I stopped!! I was strong this time and it's all because of SR!!!! Thank You so much for being a source of strength I hope I can keep it up!!!
Mindi
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Mindi
I have missed you
I just want you to know that I am thinking about you, and I know how hard this is on your family. Try to enjoy the peace that you have right now, and do something for you and your kids.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug, lots of cyber hugs coming your way
I have missed you
I just want you to know that I am thinking about you, and I know how hard this is on your family. Try to enjoy the peace that you have right now, and do something for you and your kids.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug, lots of cyber hugs coming your way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Thanks Em!!
Today is going to be hard. I have to go to work just to answer the phones. I am going to be all alone!! It's weird this time it seems like he finally "got it". I guess we'll see how long it lasts. I don't know what to say to him if he calls me.
Today is going to be hard. I have to go to work just to answer the phones. I am going to be all alone!! It's weird this time it seems like he finally "got it". I guess we'll see how long it lasts. I don't know what to say to him if he calls me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Mindi.....
As you have already heard ...one step at a time.....I know it's shocking right now..."wow, he really did leave" I understand that feeling. When you tell someone to leave countless times and then they finally do...it is shocking.
Stand your ground, if he calls you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. Just tell him you are working and you will get back to him when you can....that's when you feel up to it or even want to. Lots of changes ahead, but take your time, and keep coming back we are here for you...
Love, Patty
As you have already heard ...one step at a time.....I know it's shocking right now..."wow, he really did leave" I understand that feeling. When you tell someone to leave countless times and then they finally do...it is shocking.
Stand your ground, if he calls you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. Just tell him you are working and you will get back to him when you can....that's when you feel up to it or even want to. Lots of changes ahead, but take your time, and keep coming back we are here for you...
Love, Patty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
i'm starting to loose it! I am already a wreck and it hasn't even been 24 hours. Thoughts keep running through my mind...how am I going to survive on my own, I am already lonely, I am going to be a divorcee, what if no one wants to be with me, am I ruining my kids lives?
I hate this.
I hate this.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Mindi! I have missed you!
Taking care of your mental health and sanity is the best thing you can do for your children. It will not hurt them. Think of it like this, you did not put the ball in motion, he did. You just stopped the spinning. It will take some getting used to, but try to remember that this is likely the healthy choice for now.
Lots of people are divorced girl, its not the end of the world. I too wonder if anyone will want me, but then I realize that I would rather be with nobody than someone who contributes to my unhappiness more than my happiness. That is not love.
You can get through this, you can do it, we are all so glad to hear from you
Taking care of your mental health and sanity is the best thing you can do for your children. It will not hurt them. Think of it like this, you did not put the ball in motion, he did. You just stopped the spinning. It will take some getting used to, but try to remember that this is likely the healthy choice for now.
Lots of people are divorced girl, its not the end of the world. I too wonder if anyone will want me, but then I realize that I would rather be with nobody than someone who contributes to my unhappiness more than my happiness. That is not love.
You can get through this, you can do it, we are all so glad to hear from you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I would rather be with nobody than someone who contributes to my unhappiness more than my happiness. That is not love.
i know its for the best, but its scarey as hell!!! I have been with him since I left home at 17, thats 14 years of my life with him. I have not been alone, I don't know how people do it.
Oh and my codieness is starting to make me feel sorry for him! That's so stupid, He did this not me!!!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Another thing I wanted to mention...People do what works. If it works for him to continue the behavior you can't tolerate, than why would he stop? There was a really good thread somewhere on here about We Teach People How to Treat Us. I will repost it, as I have it saved in my documents and read it frequently.
About being alone...I think "alone" is a state of mind, not a description of your physical setting. I was more alone before he left than I am now!
About being alone...I think "alone" is a state of mind, not a description of your physical setting. I was more alone before he left than I am now!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Hi - Its been a while since I've written on SR but your message inspired me to write. I told my AH that I wanted a divorce and sent him packing. Didn't file though because he convinced me to let him try and get sober - 70 days he went without a drink. He's back in the house and I'm thinking maybe this will work. Then his son calls and says he wants to move in with us and my AH relapses. I was out of town and he called and confessed even though we both knew that I knew he had relapsed when I called that night.
But its not just about the alcohol, its about his totally narcissistic personality disorder evidenced by the fact that while his son is there visiting for the weekend before he actually makes the move, my AH blows up over my "wanting to talk sometime soon about the move". Long story short, the son actually is the one who calls 911 because his dad is threatening to "beat the ****" out of me and chasing me around the house.
I tell my AH to get out. He calls several times in the next few days and asks for reconciliation. I tell him no. He runs to the lawyer and files before I can so he can tell everyone he is divorcing me. What an ****
Anyway, after all that, how can I say I miss him. How can I say I still love him. Its all a sickness. I am so lonely and I am so scared but I know that this is not love, this is an addiction and I am just like any other junkie that must detox. Check out www.divorcerecovery101.com. Great advice on how to do just that. I log in every time I am tempted to call him and beg him to come back.
I know that I will get through this but it is unbelievably painful. I know you can too.
Peace
Not GivingUp on Me!
But its not just about the alcohol, its about his totally narcissistic personality disorder evidenced by the fact that while his son is there visiting for the weekend before he actually makes the move, my AH blows up over my "wanting to talk sometime soon about the move". Long story short, the son actually is the one who calls 911 because his dad is threatening to "beat the ****" out of me and chasing me around the house.
I tell my AH to get out. He calls several times in the next few days and asks for reconciliation. I tell him no. He runs to the lawyer and files before I can so he can tell everyone he is divorcing me. What an ****
Anyway, after all that, how can I say I miss him. How can I say I still love him. Its all a sickness. I am so lonely and I am so scared but I know that this is not love, this is an addiction and I am just like any other junkie that must detox. Check out www.divorcerecovery101.com. Great advice on how to do just that. I log in every time I am tempted to call him and beg him to come back.
I know that I will get through this but it is unbelievably painful. I know you can too.
Peace
Not GivingUp on Me!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Queen and GivingUp:
If you're tempted to call him and ask him to come back, don't do it. Not unless you want to resume your lives exactly like you've been living them. It's natural to be afraid when you're faced with change. I was afraid, too. Until I got a taste of life without the dreadful effects of alcoholism. Until I got a taste of peace. Now I would never go back, even if my xAB reached and maintained sobriety. I'd always be waiting for him to relapse, and that's no way to live.
While we're waiting for our alcoholic loved ones to reach and maintain sobriety, we put our lives on hold. We are not living. We are merely existing. We only have one life and we have to make the best of it. We can choose to barely exist or we can choose to live out our lives fully and happily--without the effects of alcoholism. The choice is ours.
When you're afraid, it's natural to want to return to a familar place--even a place that was horrible, because you fear that the road ahead could be worse. But in reality, nothing could be worse than the lives you're living now. Don't let fear keep you from moving forward, from living happy, fulfilling lives.
Don't think of it as losing your alcoholic loved ones, think of it as an opportuniy to find yourselves. You've both come to a fork in the road. You can be miserable or you can be happy. What path will you choose?
If you're tempted to call him and ask him to come back, don't do it. Not unless you want to resume your lives exactly like you've been living them. It's natural to be afraid when you're faced with change. I was afraid, too. Until I got a taste of life without the dreadful effects of alcoholism. Until I got a taste of peace. Now I would never go back, even if my xAB reached and maintained sobriety. I'd always be waiting for him to relapse, and that's no way to live.
While we're waiting for our alcoholic loved ones to reach and maintain sobriety, we put our lives on hold. We are not living. We are merely existing. We only have one life and we have to make the best of it. We can choose to barely exist or we can choose to live out our lives fully and happily--without the effects of alcoholism. The choice is ours.
When you're afraid, it's natural to want to return to a familar place--even a place that was horrible, because you fear that the road ahead could be worse. But in reality, nothing could be worse than the lives you're living now. Don't let fear keep you from moving forward, from living happy, fulfilling lives.
Don't think of it as losing your alcoholic loved ones, think of it as an opportuniy to find yourselves. You've both come to a fork in the road. You can be miserable or you can be happy. What path will you choose?
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