Please Explain
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Please Explain
Please explain how after a year that I still hurt for the4 loss of this relationship.
It seems every where I go or anything I do I remember a time we did that or were at a certain place.
Memories flood my mind, night and day.
No mater what I do, Alanon, therapy, drugs, praying even drinking, will not numb my mind.
The nice thought of letting go does not always work.
Do you ever really stop loving a person that you truly love?
Was my wife still in love with this abusive 1st husband?
This is messed up.
I can’t thought stop, and all the sappy slogans aren’t working.
No step for forgetting a love.
No program can mask the pain or hurt when you are betrayed.
This does not matter if the other person is an alcoholic or not.
Pain and deceit come in many forms. It’s all the same.
I know the scars of this relationship are very real.
I really do not know if she even cares how bad I feel.
My stepson is lost to me.
This time and effort I can never make up, nor can I even think of explaining to him the happenings and the feelings.
So again, please explain this horrific pain, this hell if you will.
I myself have never experienced such feeling.
It seems every where I go or anything I do I remember a time we did that or were at a certain place.
Memories flood my mind, night and day.
No mater what I do, Alanon, therapy, drugs, praying even drinking, will not numb my mind.
The nice thought of letting go does not always work.
Do you ever really stop loving a person that you truly love?
Was my wife still in love with this abusive 1st husband?
This is messed up.
I can’t thought stop, and all the sappy slogans aren’t working.
No step for forgetting a love.
No program can mask the pain or hurt when you are betrayed.
This does not matter if the other person is an alcoholic or not.
Pain and deceit come in many forms. It’s all the same.
I know the scars of this relationship are very real.
I really do not know if she even cares how bad I feel.
My stepson is lost to me.
This time and effort I can never make up, nor can I even think of explaining to him the happenings and the feelings.
So again, please explain this horrific pain, this hell if you will.
I myself have never experienced such feeling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9
Hi, I just want to say I am sorry for how you are feeling. I don't have any answers for you unfortunately. I am in your state of mind quite often myself. I have been separated from my H for just over a year, and he has been sober almost 6 months. I think the only answer is time really. Losing a love and letting go is hard no matter what the circumstances.
Marg
Marg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
You are not just mouring for what you lost but for what you knew you never actually had in the first place. You felt love, you felt joy, you felt ecstasy. At the time you probably thought your partner was feeling the same but that wasn't the case. So if she wasn't giving you that love, where did that love you were feeling come from? The love you were feeling came from inside of you. When you felt all that love, whose love were you feeling? Yours. Whose joy were you feeling? Yours. Whose ecstasy were you feeling? Yours.
It was all your own love.
Your mind assigned your love to this person, as if she was the source of it. But she was not the source of it. You were the source of the love you were feeling.
Love doesn't come from the outside of your life in. Love comes from the inside out.
No one gives you love, so no one can take love away from you.
Close your eyes and think about all the people you have loved intimately in your life and feel waves of beautiful love, ecstatic love wash over you. Allow yourself to feel love without assigning it to any one person or give it any meaning.
This is what it means to be in love.
Lots of love xxx
It was all your own love.
Your mind assigned your love to this person, as if she was the source of it. But she was not the source of it. You were the source of the love you were feeling.
Love doesn't come from the outside of your life in. Love comes from the inside out.
No one gives you love, so no one can take love away from you.
Close your eyes and think about all the people you have loved intimately in your life and feel waves of beautiful love, ecstatic love wash over you. Allow yourself to feel love without assigning it to any one person or give it any meaning.
This is what it means to be in love.
Lots of love xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Mr. Christian, I am going to say this (the reason for the smoking gun in my signature). If you had decided that you did not want the relationship and ended it, instead of what happened, would you feel the same?
I think you are angry that you were "dumped" by someone you love. I think that you find this inconceivable because you tried so hard, made everything perfect. I don't think this is an issue of your wife anymore, I think this is a personal thing with you.
I think you think that how could she possibly not love me, I did everything for her, I made it easy for her, how could she do this to me .... I'm perfect, I can help her. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. You set yourself up on every possible occasion to be hurt, to judge others against her, against your high set of standards. That is unfair and will make you a very lonely man, if it hasn't done so already.
I think this is all a personal issue with you. Your wife has moved on, accept it, get well yourself through Alanon or live in pain for a very long time or possibly the rest of your life. The decision is yours.
I think you are angry that you were "dumped" by someone you love. I think that you find this inconceivable because you tried so hard, made everything perfect. I don't think this is an issue of your wife anymore, I think this is a personal thing with you.
I think you think that how could she possibly not love me, I did everything for her, I made it easy for her, how could she do this to me .... I'm perfect, I can help her. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. You set yourself up on every possible occasion to be hurt, to judge others against her, against your high set of standards. That is unfair and will make you a very lonely man, if it hasn't done so already.
I think this is all a personal issue with you. Your wife has moved on, accept it, get well yourself through Alanon or live in pain for a very long time or possibly the rest of your life. The decision is yours.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Mr. Christian,
I'm not that familiar with your situation other than the few posts that I've read, so forgive me if I'm wrong or get things backwards here.
If she left you, of course there's gonna be pain. That hurts to be rejected by a loved one and does leave you asking yourself "what did I do wrong? why did she leave?"
But, plz don't keep beating yourself up on that. A's can't "love". They can love as much as their heart can let them and that's not alot. Because they don't love themselves. You have to do that first before ever truly loving someone.
The grieving period of losing a loved one can go anywhere from a year to 4 years. The stages; shock, denial, anger and acceptance may repeat themselves. It's ok to grieve, in fact it's important to do that. Journal, go to therapy, cry, talk to people, get support and then move on. There is Hope. She's not the only woman in this world. Somewhere out there is a great lady for you and you will meet her in God's timing.
I LOVED my xabf with all of my heart. Not only for who he was deep inside underneath all of that bitterness, but I had known him since we were in junior high and high school together and loved him then. But, over the course of this last year, the disease has changed him SO much. He's not the person that I once knew. The mean words, the lies, the blaming......after awhile they killed my love for him. I no longer love him like I did. I'll always care about him, but not like before.
It's easy to remember the good times, the places that you went together and the things you did, but also remember the bad. Remember how she hurt you and know that you deserve so much more. You have your life to live. Plz don't give someone else so much power over you. She's just a human being and one that has a disease.
This Bible verse helps me every time: "Ask and it shall be given to you,seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened for you". We have not because we don't ask for it. It's there for the asking.
Hang in there and keep posting!
((hugs))
I'm not that familiar with your situation other than the few posts that I've read, so forgive me if I'm wrong or get things backwards here.
If she left you, of course there's gonna be pain. That hurts to be rejected by a loved one and does leave you asking yourself "what did I do wrong? why did she leave?"
But, plz don't keep beating yourself up on that. A's can't "love". They can love as much as their heart can let them and that's not alot. Because they don't love themselves. You have to do that first before ever truly loving someone.
The grieving period of losing a loved one can go anywhere from a year to 4 years. The stages; shock, denial, anger and acceptance may repeat themselves. It's ok to grieve, in fact it's important to do that. Journal, go to therapy, cry, talk to people, get support and then move on. There is Hope. She's not the only woman in this world. Somewhere out there is a great lady for you and you will meet her in God's timing.
I LOVED my xabf with all of my heart. Not only for who he was deep inside underneath all of that bitterness, but I had known him since we were in junior high and high school together and loved him then. But, over the course of this last year, the disease has changed him SO much. He's not the person that I once knew. The mean words, the lies, the blaming......after awhile they killed my love for him. I no longer love him like I did. I'll always care about him, but not like before.
It's easy to remember the good times, the places that you went together and the things you did, but also remember the bad. Remember how she hurt you and know that you deserve so much more. You have your life to live. Plz don't give someone else so much power over you. She's just a human being and one that has a disease.
This Bible verse helps me every time: "Ask and it shall be given to you,seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened for you". We have not because we don't ask for it. It's there for the asking.
Hang in there and keep posting!
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. Christian,
I've unfortunately always had the impression that you are getting something from sitting on the pity pot about this.
In a way you are being a martyr. Maybe it wwould be productive with an Alanon sponsor to sit down and try and understand exactly what you are getting from the pity pot thing.
You aren't a victim you are a volunteer, but you seem to really want to hang on to the victim role.
Very bluntly your wife probably wasn't capable of loving you the way you wanted or expected.
Instead of focussing on everything you did for her and how could she do this to me maybe focus on why did I do so much for her? What do I gain from over doing that way with a person who is that sick.
Ngaire
I've unfortunately always had the impression that you are getting something from sitting on the pity pot about this.
In a way you are being a martyr. Maybe it wwould be productive with an Alanon sponsor to sit down and try and understand exactly what you are getting from the pity pot thing.
You aren't a victim you are a volunteer, but you seem to really want to hang on to the victim role.
Very bluntly your wife probably wasn't capable of loving you the way you wanted or expected.
Instead of focussing on everything you did for her and how could she do this to me maybe focus on why did I do so much for her? What do I gain from over doing that way with a person who is that sick.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Mr. C...
All of the posts are very good. I agree with whiston, I accepted that I loved my hubby very much, but no one has any way of knowing if the other person loves in return. They can act like it, anyone can act. They can say so. Anyone can say I love you.
Some of us are going to live forever with broken hearts. It is better than living with cancer or MS, or other horrific diseases. Better than living with the disease of alcoholism.
None of us want to be the loser in these games we play in life.
Acceptance , I had to each day accept life on life's terms. I sure did not want to.
So I understand.
Some of us dreamed of marrying someone that would climb a corp ladder, then fell in love with a construction worker, and had to work also.
Life is not fair. I so wish I could help you with this.
I always envied the old maid school teachers that never had a male friend or lover. They happily loved all childern and was admired and loved by many, but maybe they had an old love in their heart, who knows???? The older generation never talked about such things, they only discussed news and weather just a few years back. At least today we have support groups.
Perhaps make a thankful list. Then get a puppy, be sure the puppy picks you.
As M Scott Peck said, "LIFE IS DIFFICULT"
The pain will get less in time. On a grief site I check someone posted it takes time time and more time, tears, tears and more tears, talking and talking and more talking.
You are doing that. clancy46
All of the posts are very good. I agree with whiston, I accepted that I loved my hubby very much, but no one has any way of knowing if the other person loves in return. They can act like it, anyone can act. They can say so. Anyone can say I love you.
Some of us are going to live forever with broken hearts. It is better than living with cancer or MS, or other horrific diseases. Better than living with the disease of alcoholism.
None of us want to be the loser in these games we play in life.
Acceptance , I had to each day accept life on life's terms. I sure did not want to.
So I understand.
Some of us dreamed of marrying someone that would climb a corp ladder, then fell in love with a construction worker, and had to work also.
Life is not fair. I so wish I could help you with this.
I always envied the old maid school teachers that never had a male friend or lover. They happily loved all childern and was admired and loved by many, but maybe they had an old love in their heart, who knows???? The older generation never talked about such things, they only discussed news and weather just a few years back. At least today we have support groups.
Perhaps make a thankful list. Then get a puppy, be sure the puppy picks you.
As M Scott Peck said, "LIFE IS DIFFICULT"
The pain will get less in time. On a grief site I check someone posted it takes time time and more time, tears, tears and more tears, talking and talking and more talking.
You are doing that. clancy46
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Patty, I'm not trying to be abusive to Mr. Christian. I tend to feel that code's expect the same treatment they give to others. This is what gets us all in big trouble and into the same type of relationships over and over and over again.
Live Life on Life's Terms ..... Mr. Christian is not doing that and pining and hoping for something that may never be again, and probably never was except to him.
Live Life on Life's Terms ..... Mr. Christian is not doing that and pining and hoping for something that may never be again, and probably never was except to him.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Hey Judy....
I very much respect your opinion, I don't feel Patty was disagreeing with anyone by her post.
For whatever reason, some of us take longer than others. Who knows who will say the magic words that will help this person???
Did I miss something??
I very much respect your opinion, I don't feel Patty was disagreeing with anyone by her post.
For whatever reason, some of us take longer than others. Who knows who will say the magic words that will help this person???
Did I miss something??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I know she didn't mean me, I just wanted to clarify I wasn't intentionally being mean to Mr. C. I agree, some folks take longer than others ...... years ago I was one of those folks. ;-). It took me 7 years, a black eye to move out on my own from an abusive alcoholic.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
Thank you all for writing.
I have to tell you 1st off that I really wish God would just take me in my sleep then endure another day here like this.
I really feel like there is nothing left, and to tell you the truth came very close to ending it.
I have in fact made moves to help myself.
Legal, emotional and otherwise.
No, I repeat no! I do not get anything from feeling this way.
No, I do not want this pain and yes I have tried to let go.
It has been a constant struggle financially as well.
Getting back into the real world of working at my age seems to be tough.
I did a lot of nightclub work not to mention other shady stuff to earn a living in 4 years.
The job market has not been too kind and most managers out there that are 20 something have a hard time hiring a 43 year old that is 6’2 and 200 lbs. because they feel they can’t handle dealing with him.
Believe me they look scared!
I try to do things with friends and go places but at times when $$ is tight, there is only so much I can do.
The attorneys I have talked to all want so much coin up front that I don’t have right now, and legal aid claims I make too much, HUH!
Lover, she did show a lot. The boxes of love letters, the constant caring and loving things she did, they were all there.
The love that I have on the inside must be a lot, because it’s killing me from the inside out.
The being dumped part, well I can see that.
It does sting.
I’ve try to remember the bad parts of the relationship also.
But my feelings are this, I am hurting without her.
Simple, I miss my family and it’s hell knowing that the people you love, are with another.
One year on Valentine’s Day, my wife and son came home to find the entire front garden filled with red helium heart balloons.
I planted them there for them to show my love.
The inside was lit with tiny star lights to show I would gather the starts for her if I could.
Today I feel like the hearts were released and the stars burned out.
I feel very empty.
Thank you all for writing.
I have to tell you 1st off that I really wish God would just take me in my sleep then endure another day here like this.
I really feel like there is nothing left, and to tell you the truth came very close to ending it.
I have in fact made moves to help myself.
Legal, emotional and otherwise.
No, I repeat no! I do not get anything from feeling this way.
No, I do not want this pain and yes I have tried to let go.
It has been a constant struggle financially as well.
Getting back into the real world of working at my age seems to be tough.
I did a lot of nightclub work not to mention other shady stuff to earn a living in 4 years.
The job market has not been too kind and most managers out there that are 20 something have a hard time hiring a 43 year old that is 6’2 and 200 lbs. because they feel they can’t handle dealing with him.
Believe me they look scared!
I try to do things with friends and go places but at times when $$ is tight, there is only so much I can do.
The attorneys I have talked to all want so much coin up front that I don’t have right now, and legal aid claims I make too much, HUH!
Lover, she did show a lot. The boxes of love letters, the constant caring and loving things she did, they were all there.
The love that I have on the inside must be a lot, because it’s killing me from the inside out.
The being dumped part, well I can see that.
It does sting.
I’ve try to remember the bad parts of the relationship also.
But my feelings are this, I am hurting without her.
Simple, I miss my family and it’s hell knowing that the people you love, are with another.
One year on Valentine’s Day, my wife and son came home to find the entire front garden filled with red helium heart balloons.
I planted them there for them to show my love.
The inside was lit with tiny star lights to show I would gather the starts for her if I could.
Today I feel like the hearts were released and the stars burned out.
I feel very empty.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Mr- Christian- I am so sorry for all the horrible pain you are going thru. A divorce is very high on the list on high stress factors in our life. In some ways, if she had died it would have been easier on you. You would have had the memory of her love. It will probaly take years for you to move on. If you have any special interests try to do a little something for your self each day. Do you have a pet to care for? They can be a big comfort in our sorrow. Thru all the pain of my husband's cheating, my animals kept me going. My husband had a long time affair but stayed. He has been sober 27 years and it was with a woman in the program. It has been over 6 years nowand I still hurt everyday. But I have moved on. I started my own Pet Sitting business at in my mid 50s so I am now self supporting if need be. I have many friends and am back to enjoying horseback riding and my dogs ,cats and many turtles and tortoises. There is a happy life wating for you. You must do a little each day to move forward . You can do it. hugs dax
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((mr. c)) don't really have any advice - i have been grieving for a while and i am still w/my AH. i think as others have said above - each has his own period, but if it seems like you are not moving into another phase then i think you really need to get some outside help on this. you just sound sooooo lost. i feel for you and will pray for you.
hugs - christie
hugs - christie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Mr. C.....it is so hard for me to give any type of advice to you.....your pain seems to be way out of my realm of dealing with....your last post has me so concerned...you are starting to frighten (sp) me.......please seek some help....you are on the edge in my opinion...this is very serious.........
Love, Patty
Love, Patty
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in the middle of it all!
Posts: 16
Christian - Take a deep breath...now take several more. I've been there...in fact, I am there now. Different story, but the same place. It is a hard cold fact that we were created to love and to love deeply. It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! We were created in God's image and He loves more deeply then we can ever imagine. As I was sobbing on a good friend's couch the other day, he gave me this book by Brennan Manning called "Ragamuffin Gospel". Brennan is a recovering alcoholic. The book is about Love. I hope you take time to read it.
I hope you find peace, my friend.
I hope you find peace, my friend.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
We all have expectations. In our minds we know what we expect from a relationships. Your expectations around this relationship have died. Your still hanging on. Letting go is part of a grieving process. You need to grieve this loss and move on!! Until you can do this your stuck in neutral. Kerry
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: On a River in Maryland
Posts: 22
Mr. Christian, your wife is going to be the way she is whether you accept her or not. How you feel about her is totally irrelevant. Hating the way she is sometimes doesn't change things. She is still the way she is. In order to accept, you need to be at peace with the truth.
When I fight my husband's A, I get upset, I become unable to see clearly, and I interact in a way that creates opposition and resistance. I think that if I just get upset enough, he will somehow get the hint and stop drinking. Obviously, this won't happen. And he probably drinks more, the more I resist. He puts up his protective wall - his beer.
I fuel the cycle of conflict because I can't come to peace with who he has become.
I am always upset, and he seems to always be the cause. But this isn't true, because he's just the way he is. The cause of my dismay is me. I create it by not letting him be the way he is. Resisting the truth doesn't change a thing.
It's OK to love someone and be hurt. Let go of your dreams for how it could have been. Acknowledge your hurt and feel your loss and don't run from it. Treat her in a way that she will enjoy. Make her feel loved, accepted and appreciated just the way she is. But you can't force her to want you. By hanging on you are destroying your mental well-being. You are consumed. You have tunnel-vision. You've got to let go, and be willing to let her go. You don't have to like it or want it to happen. But you have to be willing. By doing this, you will become free inside and more effective in handling your situation. Let go of your demands for how life should be, and flow with the way life is.
She wouldn't have left if you had a wonderful, loving relationship. So why would you want to hang on to a lousy relationship, especially when hanging on produces so much suffering?
You are feeling hurt, and if you are willing to or not has nothing to do with it. You don't have a choice whether you are going to feel this hurt - you are. But you have a choice: are you going to let go of your hurt, or are you going to fight the hurt and keep it inside? Feel the hurt of losing her, and then perhaps the hurt will lose its power, along with your need to hang on.
You can't change her. But you can forgive her.
When I fight my husband's A, I get upset, I become unable to see clearly, and I interact in a way that creates opposition and resistance. I think that if I just get upset enough, he will somehow get the hint and stop drinking. Obviously, this won't happen. And he probably drinks more, the more I resist. He puts up his protective wall - his beer.
I fuel the cycle of conflict because I can't come to peace with who he has become.
I am always upset, and he seems to always be the cause. But this isn't true, because he's just the way he is. The cause of my dismay is me. I create it by not letting him be the way he is. Resisting the truth doesn't change a thing.
It's OK to love someone and be hurt. Let go of your dreams for how it could have been. Acknowledge your hurt and feel your loss and don't run from it. Treat her in a way that she will enjoy. Make her feel loved, accepted and appreciated just the way she is. But you can't force her to want you. By hanging on you are destroying your mental well-being. You are consumed. You have tunnel-vision. You've got to let go, and be willing to let her go. You don't have to like it or want it to happen. But you have to be willing. By doing this, you will become free inside and more effective in handling your situation. Let go of your demands for how life should be, and flow with the way life is.
She wouldn't have left if you had a wonderful, loving relationship. So why would you want to hang on to a lousy relationship, especially when hanging on produces so much suffering?
You are feeling hurt, and if you are willing to or not has nothing to do with it. You don't have a choice whether you are going to feel this hurt - you are. But you have a choice: are you going to let go of your hurt, or are you going to fight the hurt and keep it inside? Feel the hurt of losing her, and then perhaps the hurt will lose its power, along with your need to hang on.
You can't change her. But you can forgive her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Mr. Christian,
When I was active I remember feeling that emptiness inside.
It wasn't until after I was sober a few years and started dealing with my co-dependency issues that I discovered I was addicted to relationships also which in turn led to addictive relationships.
Escape From Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef talks about this phenonmenon.
Maybe you may get something out of it.
Another one is:
Is it Love or Addiction by Brenda Schaeffer.
Ngaire
When I was active I remember feeling that emptiness inside.
It wasn't until after I was sober a few years and started dealing with my co-dependency issues that I discovered I was addicted to relationships also which in turn led to addictive relationships.
Escape From Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef talks about this phenonmenon.
Maybe you may get something out of it.
Another one is:
Is it Love or Addiction by Brenda Schaeffer.
Ngaire
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