sugartopper

I am the wife of an alcoholic and co-dependant. MY husband left me and is telling me I am unhealthy for him and he needs to get healthy without me. I am not sure how to go on. He has a girlfriend that he left me for 1 year ago but came back to try and work things out and drank a lot then left again and was pulled over for his 4th DUI. Why can't he love me and work on us and getting healthy?

Cazza

Alcoholics have been relying on alcohol for so long to regulate their emotions that they are no longer in control... supposedly they can't really FEEL anything anymore. Of course, I am sure he loves you, but it is probably buried underneath all of the self-loathing he feels and the excuses he makes to deal with that pain. Basically, I really don't think he can help it at this point, it isn't your fault, it is the fault of the disease. It is so hard to separate the two, I know... I am trying so hard to understand why a good friend seems to want to cast me aside lately, now that he is drinking again. I am trying not to take it personally, but believe me, being as super-sensitive as I am, it is extremely tough. Hang in there.

Mr. Christian

Well same thing with my wife. I meean it's the same damn story alomost!

Hang on tight, please, it's been over a year for me.
I did join Alanon, you might want to look into it.

splendra

sugartopper-

First let me welcome you to Sober Recovery. There are lot's of us here who have been right where you are now.

Since he is already out of the house now would be a great time to put some effort into yourself. Try not to worry about what he is doing and start making a list for you. What do you want to do for you that being so focused on him has taken you away from? I am sure you most likely you have an ability that has been overshadowed by his drinking. If you don't know what it is then find out what it is.

If he does end up wanting to work things out then you will be coming from a place of strength and owning your own power instead of being someone who can be walked on by an alcoholic. I believe it does make people mad at us when we take their cr@p.
You also might want to try going to Alanon meetings. They will help you own your power!!

FormerDoormat

I'm sorry you're hurting and that your husband left you. You asked why he can't love you? It's because he doesn't love himself. He can't return love if he doesn't feel lovable. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You've received good advice from the others. This is the perfect time to start learning how to take care of yourself. Are you familiar with Melody Beatty's books, "Codependent No More," and the "Language of Letting Go?" If not, then get yourself copies and start reading. Here's a hug for you.

Girlfriend

Hi sugartopper,


Welcome to a good place! Former Doormat is right. He can't love anybody because he doesn't love himself. A's just run from one thing to another constantly searching for the "cure", whether it be through more booze or another woman/women. Anything to make him feel better about himself.

But, it's always gonna be temporary and the outcome the same. It isn't about you and please don't buy into his blaming you. That will drive you insane after awhile, especially if you believe it.

It's the disease that takes over the alcoholic. Their brains are so pickled that they don't/can't think straight.

I stopped drinking 11 years ago and none of my relationships ever worked out. I was always attracted to the addicts, too. Misery loves company.

Please continue to read/post here and join al-anon. It helps you help yourself.


((hugs))

best

Yup... denial. It isn't me so it must be someone else. The spouse is the closest, so they become the first target. Must be her/him because we all know I don't have a drinking problem. What we think is self preservation, we later find was us digging the hole deeper.

His issues. Don't let his issues become your problem. Only he can find the solution and till he does, he will blame anyone and everyone but himself.

cwohio

sugartopper - welcome - i can't add much to what the other wise folks said above. splendra makes lots of very good points and suggestions. now is the time to take care of you! read the stickys, books suggested and consider al-anon. you have been blessed with some time to work on yourself alone without the constant day-to-day chaos. take advantage of it!

hugs - christie

sugartopper

Thank you all so much for your support! I have been to several Al-anon I know what I am suppose to be doing, but it seems so hard to impliment the things that will help me get through this. He still lies to me constantly about the "girlfriend" just being a friend. He has been going to AA and counceling I think primarly to stay out of jail. He is going to be sentenced on Aug 11. I am the one who gave him the $ for the attorney, I am the one who has always been there for him, but he says that I didn't treat him the way that he needed to be treated. He has this girlfriend who drives him anywhere he wants to go, is with him all the time and he says they are "just friends" why is she any better then I am. I have a "big girl" job while she is a bartender. It has been 6 weeks since he left the second time and I still don't feel any better.

cwohio

he's probably with her because she enables him and you are trying to change. sounds like he's going thru the motions and not serious about getting help. hang in there and continue to work on you!

sugartopper

But he contiues to lie....why is it he just cannot tell me the truth? If I could just hear the truth once from him then I could at least feel like he IS trying to get better. I ask him if he is happy and he says "it's not a matter of being happy it is a matter of getting healthy" I ask him if he loves me and he says he will always love me but he isn't in love with me anymore, but every morning after she drops him at work he calls me to say good morning-Help I need some peace

SexySadie

Because honey right now he can't separate truth, reality and lies. He feels nothing inside. My ex also left me for another woman....an alcoholic who could enable him better than I. He gave up our wonderful life together, a safe and loving home environment, his job, soon his car, everything to be with this woman who lets him drink 24/7...and he still claims HE loves me. It's taken everything inside of me to survive this because being w/her is the last thing he would have ever done if he hadn't been drinking...it's the alcohol. There is nothing we can do...but to work on our spirituality and surrender ourselves and find the love inside of us.

sugartopper

Thank you Lisa! Your quote at the end is something I try and tell myself everyday...and I try and give it over to god (although I try and tell him how to do his job sometimes). I have become so co-dependant on my husband that I don't know what life is without him. I miss his touch and sounds stupid but his smell. I love him so deeply and it hurts beyond my wildest dreams to be without him

emily33

I am sorry that you are hurting, and that you have to endure this. Just know that it is not your fault, and do something for you.

brdlvr2

I'm sorry for your hurt. Alkies seem to blame everybody but themselves. And what we do is never good enough. I was on and off with my xabf for close to 3 years. Through jail, rehab, hospitals, moral support. Let him stay with me, helped pay for rooms, hotels for him to stay in etc. And he still at times says if only I would have stuck by him, he would have quit or had a better chance at quitting - What?? They have a different way of thinking then us it seems. You did nothing wrong - believe that.

sugartopper

I have been trying my job is going well-I have men asking me out all the time, but not a one of them even compares to my husband. We were married 10 years and my heart still skipped when I knew I was going to see him.

splendra

(((ST)))

Another man is not what you need. You need yourself. The reason no other man compares to your H is because your mind is looking for someone as bad as he is or....even worse than he is.

Define yourself love and take good care of you and then men will look different to you.

sugartopper

thank you! Now it's off to work for me and a new day! Of course it is 9:15 and my phone has already rang and it was him!

somebodysfool

Thank you for your post. We all need to remeber the truth of alcoholism. It sucks and your story is one that I fear coming soon to a hoouse near me. Namely mine. Keep going to meetings when you gt healthier it will get better. That's what they tell me.

J

FriendofBill

Sugar....to expect any[U][B] kind of rational, sincere thinking or behavior from an alcoholic so sick is clearly illogical.

Staying sober because of courts is not a desire to get sober. Thats called manipulation. He lies to you, he cheats on you...and you hopehewill have the desire to work on your relationship? He is extremely sick ie: self centered, resentful, dishonest, manipulative.

Thats like trying to squeeze a rock and hope that some water comes out.

He doesnt have it to give today.