pmaslan

Sugar, Welcome to SR....glad you found us.
You have been given some great advice from people that have been there.
When I read your posts I can see that you are in need of more information on
the terrible disease of alcoholism. Please read posts on this forum and on the Alcoholism forum for a prospective on the disease from people suffering its effects.
Try to get to an alanon meeting in your area, you need support right now. I know the pain is very hard right now but in time you will feel better about yourself and that is the most important thing anyway.
Love, Patty

sugartopper

Well it is 12:14 pm here today and boy did I have a day of drama. My stbx husband who does not want to be with me anymore because I am unhealthy for him called me at 9:15 this morning and set the day off. I stopped by his work said hello he was rude to me I went by his house saw a picture of him and his girlfriend in bed FREAKED out because he said that they were not sleeping together and he and I just slept together Sat night..he said that it was just sex nothing else...He called me and said he was going to file a police report for me breaking into his house...it was unlocked I didn't break anyways to make a long story short we are back to he hates me he will not talk to me I am psycho to him and his girlfriend and everyone says that he has driven me to feel this way by his actions and everytime I start to get on my feet he calls and sucks me back in.. He says he is living a clean healthy lifestyle and happier without me! He is lying to his girlfriend about me and to me about her. This isn't how it should be but even after gettng abused over and over again I go back for more. I will start reading the book co-dependant no more but tonight for the first time I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. Help!

Savana 54

((((sugartopper))))

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. I know the incredible pain of dealing with someone that treats you this way. Can you call a close friend, family member and talk to them right now? What about a suicide hotline?

Sounds like your husband is trying to keep you sucked into his life of insanity. Please, please, please--don't answer his calls, don't see him right now. You need this time to heal for yourself. Everytime you make contact with him its like ripping off the scab of a healing wound.

Can you get to any Al-Anon meetings? If you find one if your area, you can get a temporary sponser right away; that way if you need someone to talk to, they're there for you day or night. I would also look into some counseling, as you will need the extra support.

Remember sugar, you deserve SO SO much more then he is giving you. Ask yourself why you want to be with a lying, cheating loser..?

Hang in there...this too shall pass..Sometimes when I get so down, and can't stop crying, I say the Serenity Prayer over and over and over.

Hugs,
Savana

sugartopper

Thank you Savana! I have been in counceling for about 1.5 years started with my husband when I found out he was cheatng on me the first time that didn't work he kept making up excuses why we couldn' t go and I bought into them then when he left me for the next affair I started seeing her she helps but ultimately if you aren't going to walk the walk not just talk the talk nothing is going to work. I have also attended AlAnon meetings which haven't helped because everyone in the meeting is still with their spouses so it even makes me feel like more of a loser. My soon to be ex wants to still have sex with me and tell me he loves me but he hates me at the same time...still trying to figure this all out??? I am so confused to what happened to my 9 years of marriage. I love him so much!

Savana 54

Ok, there you go, you said it! Is he walking the walk? Are his words matching up to his actions? Chances are they're not.


Hon, he is an Alcoholic. He is good at telling lies, and manipulating you, as well as other people. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself. Don't listen to what he is saying to you right now. Trying to make sense of what an A says while actively drinking is like dealing with an insane person. I was told this by someone that has been in AA for over 25 years. My Xabf used to yap on and on, telling me tons of lies, and trying to keep me sucked into the insanity. I totally lost myself in his problems, and promises of him changing, but he never kept any of them to me. I look back now, and realize I wasn't dealing with someone that was all there.

sugartopper

Yes but He is in recovery and not drinking that is what is scaring me because what if he never wants to come home to his family...I miss our life together

Savana 54

Do you truly believe he isn't drinking? And like you said, he is only doing it for the courts. He isn't serious about his recovery. Do you really think he is taking his sobriety seriously?

sugartopper

I think that he is the type of personality that he really believes at that moment he is doing what he doing for the right reasons. He can lie so easily that he doesn't know the truth he believes really believes what he is saying. He is not drinking because he is in a no tolereance program where tnhey attend a meeting and have to blow everyday. I think Bill will drink again

meli2005

sugartopper, you are not responsible for his drinking, don't let him say that to you.


Also, maybe he needs to hit "rock bottom" before he will get sober and maintain it.

It sounds like he has some real issues, 4th DUI, etc, affairs, etc. He is not a great person to be married to. He is not doing his part, etc.

I would start by planning some things for myself and trying to build a life for YOU. YOu deserve it.

splendra

((((SugarTopper))))

leem03

Boy this situation sounds all to familiar. I get blamed everyday! My AH also has a "FRIEND" too. He only sleeps on her couch, so nothing to worry about there either. The only thing I can tell you is that I begin to feel better when I start ignoring him. I don't take the phone calls, they all go to voice mail. I don't respond to the text messages. This drives him absolutely crazy, but it makes me feel a ton better. It starts to give me back some of the control of my own life that I was missing.

The girlfriend situation is a tough one, but he's going through alot of stuff right now and I assume he doesn't want to be around you in his somewhat sober state because he's embarassed of what's happened. Alot of alcoholics shut out the ones that really care because they don't want to continue to let them down. As for the girlfriend, she doesn't care what he does. She only knows him as this alcoholic. You know him for the man he used to be. She has nothing to compare him to and I'm sure she probably thinks she is supporting him better than you ever did....WRONG.

Try to keep tough till his court date. Whatever happens then will make a big difference in what is to come. I can almost guarantee you with certainty that he will not end up with this woman, so don't even worry about her. But start to focus on yourself. Take this time he is gone to reconnect with yourself. He has chosen to leave, now you choose to take your life back.

I know it's all easier said then done, believe me. Once I listen to my own advice I will be smooth sailing. I haven't gotten there yet, but hopefully we all will get there soon with a little support from each other.

sugartopper

I just came home from a AA and Al-Anon meeting and it was so helpful. My only problem is that I don't think I am an alcoholic. My ex has made me feel that I had a problem but I don't drink without him. I can go have one drink or decide not drink if I know I have to drive. Today his girlfriend decided she is going to get a ppo against me because she thinks I am nutty because she doesn't know that he would call me and we would have sex and then he would be with her and would be such a ass to me on the phone. She doesn't even know me I would never hurt anyone but he has her believing I am such a nut case because he has spoon feeds her information. So here is my question WHY do I care...........Why do I care what they think....I need to get strong! I need to be happy with myself!

ASpouse

What better girlfriend for an alcoholic to have than a bartender. When I was a bartender I never ever dated one customer. It's bad business.

sugartopper

After I posted the last message my phone rang and guess who it was? Yes you guessed it my soon to be ex....of course we have nextels and he beeped me(doesn't want my number to show up on his bill) He was sweet and just wanted to see if I had heard from our son(not biologically his) who is at camp it is so funny how he plays the game suck me in! I have to be done with it. And about the girlfriend I don't feel sorry for her she had an affair with a married man she violated me and my children....women should not do that to other women I wouldn't.

splendra

It is real easy to put this on the OW. I think your H is looking for someone who is as unavailable as he is.

When someone leaves a 10 year relationship I don't care if they are drinking or not they are not really available emotionally for at least a year and someone who is going thru a court ordered rehab oh honey I can just feel his rage from here is definatly not availabe..maybe he is phyiscally present at her house but there is no way he is being real.
A woman who has any idea of his situation ...still married...going to court ordered rehab..oh please she is not looking for a relationship she is looking for a situation and some drama and no doubt she must be as sick as he is.

But if this woman were not in the picture he would have found someone who could be a supporting actress in the movie he is making.

I wish I could tell you not to talk to him except thru a lawyer and you would take my advise and could see that your H is playing a very hurtfull game and the more you invole yourself in his $hit the more you are going to get hurt. If you don't play this with him he could possibly come to his sences and realize what he is loosing if you stay in it he won't think you are lost to him and honey he will drag your @$$ thru hell.
If you back away and he wants to come back you will have alot more power to negociate with him.... than if you stay in it and try to fight to get him back and remain a door mat.

somebodysfool

I need this. I am trying to let go. Let him pursue. I am feeling 200% better about my self through therapy, CoDA, Al-anon, reading and this site. I just want him to still be here. And I know you don't always get what you want. God's will not mine. Why do I want to stay with a man who treats me this way and offers NO emontional support. Because it wasn't always this bad??? Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

J

sugartopper

sombodysfool I feel your pain over and over again he sucks me back into his game...tonight on que he called me I spent the day with a wonderful friend golfing (funny thing is my friend is his defence attorney for his dui) weird situation but I introduced them. anyway I didn't call him or act like he mattered and right after his mens group (girlfriend is working tonight she is a bartender) he called me and asked if I was horney..I fell right back into his trap and now I feel like **** because he has the power again. Why do we keep doing it we have to be strong and not take the phone calls

FriendofBill

I have to say, entering into another persons home without thier permission is illegal. Why do you subject yourself to this torture? What are you getting out of it but hurt and pain?

He is a liar.
He is a cheat.
He is emotionally abusive.
And you cant let go of him.

Why?

SexySadie

I've been walking in your shoes....EX is was with another woman the same night that I asked him to stay at a friends house to cool off...he's been there ever since. We were together 5 yrs. He's been drunk since the moment he left here 5wks ago. She is an alcoholic also and so is their roommate. Knowing my EX in his normal state, none of this is characteristic for him. But now he is no longer the man that I knew. There is nothing left of him. He's just a lost soul. He claims he is very happy where he is. So there he stays...and I am doing just what he told me to do...move forward with my life. I'm recovering every day from my codependency...especially the past week while he was gone. I really wouldn't worry about the OW...rebound relationship are usually not successful...however, there is the reality that it may work out...so like me, just turn around and focus on yourself and find the life you had before him. I know it is tough...I think one of the funniest things I heard the last time I saw them together was that she was bragging about her pet name from him...laugh of the day...it was my pet name...how sad...how truly sad. I said nothing. But a smile came to my face...while I am growing and dealing with the pain as we all are here...he's just trying to continue on in his fantasy life that he is creating with her. Getting the dog that we were getting, giving it the same name....but drowning himself away. I would much rather deal with my emotions even if it has been a rollercoaster ride...at least I know in the end I will be a healthier person for it.

whiston

He is keeping you on the back burner just in case things go wrong with the girlfriend, so he has a back-up plan. We've all been there. Alcoholics need co-dependants because they can't bear to be on their own without drama and chaos. Most of them are so charming and larger than life and the longer you are with them, the more you get accustomed to being with this type of person, so only another dysfuntional person will seem attractive to you. This requires a lot of work on your part, to recover from the abusive pattern.

If you change your phone number and move (even temporarily) he will go crazy because he can't control you any longer. Stop all contact. He will then have huge rows with the girlfriend because you are not there anymore. She will never be enough on her own. He has to bounce one off against the other in order to play the game. Think how important you make them both feel. He feels like the king and she feels like the winner. They'd never be enough for each other in a normal relationship without you playing your part.

If you want this man back, then leave him alone to get on with it whilst you get on with enriching your life with your children. I promise you he won't want her anymore if you do this. He will want you in a matter of months. But the question is, once you have moved on, will you still want this loser? I came to realise that even after they stop drinking, the learned behaviour pattern is still there unless they really work the steps. I doubt that he will ever be entirely there for you or any other woman. He is just a charming liar who knows how to push your buttons.

Start divorce proceedings and don't talk to him again. This may be a hard habit to break, but it will have huge rewards. You are just too involved at the moment to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you will if you follow the advice on this thread. Just be strong and get all the support you need and slowly, you will recover and break the spell he has over you.

I've been there. It took me a year to recover. But I promise you, life on the 'other side' is so peaceful, so joyful and full of exciting opportunities. Don't date for a year. Have male friends, but don't get involved because you will only compare other men to you husband who has conditioned you. Instead concentrate on finding yourself again, you have forgotten who she is. You will think of your husband often at first, occasionally at worst - the mind plays tricks and focusses on the 'good' parts. When these thoughts crop up, be aware of them but don't dwell on them.

Best of luck!