shestruggles

Are you alright????


I'm worried and have been waiting for you to post again and let us all know you're OK...

If you're out there, just pop by and update us.

We love you and and worry about you, dear!!!

angelgirl

Hi there. Sorry I haven't been here for a few days. I haven't felt at all well.
I was doing so well, and everything fell apart. Since friday when I had that reaction to that effexor, I can't seem to get my anxiety under control. Things are REALLY bad. I am a basket case, I am like, in a constant state of fighting off a panic attack. I have had these in the past, but have been able to come to a point where I could control them, I so far have now been having alot of trouble controling them. Not real sure what is going on, but feeling very bad.
I am hoping and praying that I will get back to that point. I am working on that. I am going to a 12 step christian group tomorrow. I surely hope I feel well enough to go.
I'm really sorry, I don't men to seem selfish, or feeling to sorry for myself to come here, I just am having trouble doing anything right now. I am SOOOO afraid I am going to end up in a psyc. ward. I have never been to one, and don't want to go. I need to get control of this. I have been on my knees praying, and praying. I know god has a reason for everything, I just don't understand this one. I have been working very hard on my recovery, I feel like I have been thrown a severe blow. I know SS you are also so struggling, I am so sorry for that I pray for you also. I don't meant to cut off anyone here. I will be back. I just need to gain some control here.
So, as soon as I can, I'll be back. I love you all, you have all been there to help me, and I really hope somehow I have helped some of you.
I WILL NOT USE, that I will not do. That would kill me right now. That would definatley send me away. I kow it would, that is the farthest thing from my mind. I am just going to continue to pray, and work on gaining control of my anxiety. I do LOVE you ALL!!! I am here, I am thinking of you all, even when I'm not here. Love, Becky

best

Glad to see you here.

What I have found in my life... areas I have tried to control but had struggles in have guided me to an understanding ... there are some things we need to give over control to God. By putting things in His hands, I was able to see solutions. He took over. Where I am weak, He is strong. His strength is what holds me together.

I am still in awe of they way He helps me daily.

best

verses that have helped me

Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

angelgirl

Thanks Best. I so wish I were like you. I want the faith you have. I honestly don't know what I am doing wrong. I pray, and I pray. I do believe in the power of god. What do I do wrong? I don't know. I know this sounds like I do not believe, but I do. I have always in a sense believed, I ust haven't always used what I know.
I have been feeling like I'm dying. I have been praying. I need gods help. He is the only one who can help me. I know that. Other than that I must also try to help myself. I know god helps those who help themselves. I am trying.
I know I am talking in circles here. I am very grateful for you. You have really helped me also in a GREAT time of need. I will study the verses you have put down for me. Thank you Best. Love, Becky

angelgirl

Something just came to me, I have been praying for god to help me, But I have not asked to put this in his hands. As I was reading again what you put that stuck out to me. I am praying and putting in his hands. Thanks, Becky

best

In time and over time our faith grows. You are on the right path.
I didn't start with the amount of faith I have.
It is something God has grown as He showed me things with each day I put my trust in Him.

angelgirl

Then I will continue to pray, and believe, and read. I want the faith that you have. I will continue also to put my faith in him. I do, I need him!!! Thanks so much, Love, Becky

shestruggles

Becky,

I'm so happy to hear from you, but worried to hear that the troubles are getting worse. You do what you need to do to get better, and when you don't know what to do, you know you can count on us for 100% support. Your faith will help you through this time, I know it will. You are one tough girl, tough enough to put this in your HP's hands. That is tough to do!

I'll be here anytime you want to talk. As you noted, things are falling apart on my end as well, so we do have a little in common right now- mostly - the knowledge and faith that we will not pick up to get us through.

I love you, dear Becky! SS

angelgirl

Oh SS-- you always put a smile on my face!! You ARE my sister!! We can get through all of this crap. I know we can. I will not use, no matter what. I am not cocky, but I am confident in that. I know it would ONLY make matters so much worse. That is not really even in my mind anymore. Which seems strange to say, but true. I do not crave, and haven't in quite a while.
You hang on. I am feeling better. I have felt better since I posted on here today. That was foolish to stay away!
I am praying for you too. I love ya, Becky

roadie58

Becky, isn't it great when the cravings subside. But always remember that your disease is in the parking lot doing pushups, getting stronger, waiting for when you will be weak. Stay with your program, stay here, get to meetings if you can.

Don't use, Don't use, Don't F&%$ing Use!

angelgirl

I understand just were my disease is. I know it is strong, but I can be stronger. I am trusting in god to get me through, along with alot of work on my part. Thanks Roadie, I never forget. I just don't worry about that, just work at it... Love, Becky

Jane63

Angel,
Hope you are starting to feel better hun and you too, SS!! I think about you both alot and I really feel you both are very serious about your recovery and will not screw up! {I always remember feeling like I had to remind others that even though I was on here venting and rambling, that I wouldn't be using...so I can totally relate to that!!} Honestly...I have alot of faith in you both!!

My own anxiety has been "slapping me around" abit here lately too and I wonder if it is not the weather or time of year or possibly that I have been overwhelmed with projects lately! I put some thought to it yesterday and am thinking that with some more accomplishment my anxiety begins to fade away more! So this is what I am applying today and thought I'd post and see if it might help you as well. Just remember to set aside 1-2 really important tasks that need done a day and try to finish them...don't overwhelm yourself or try to take on too much...just a few simple tasks. Oh and also remember to take time to indulge Gods gifts as a warm summer evening is just begging to be enjoyed!!!!

Please keep posting and hanging in there G/F's!!! Sending you both ********{HUGE HUGS}}}}}}
Jane

angelgirl

Hi Jane!! Well, I'm hving a good moment, and that's about all I am having these days. Not to sure what's up with my heart, but it is flipping constantly. I sit and feel it pound. I'm afraid to do just aout anything, with it pounding so hard already. I tried to call the doctor today. I'm just afriad to find out what's going on.
Yes, that was nice what you said about telling people I won't use, I don't have the desire to use, but I feel I have to keep saying it here, not real sure why. I think it's because it''s what people think when yo have a problem, that you are going to use right away, and to tell you the truth, I was like that before, any reason to use, and I did, but this time is and has been different. I don't want to use at ALL. Thanks for your understanding there.
When I feel good, I am up doing things, but I have been spending alot of time laying around. Mostly because of the way my heart feels. Last night though it was pounding so hard, that I got so anxiuos that i couldn't sit down. I made a bunch of food, and did laundry and dishes. I didn't feel good at all, but I couldn't sit down, and I haven't been able to eat much at all. I DO need to lose weight, but I don't like to do it because I'm to sick to eat. But I am losing weight.
I'm sorry to hear your anxiety is also up. I really think mine is up because of the heart pounding thing. Then my mind gets racing about why it's doing that, am I having a heart attack or what, you know, thats what's up with me. And our SS, I worry about her,, I seen in one of her posts she spent the hour of her therapy doing breathing excerises, I had a therapist that taught me all of that, it really helped me alot at times, I have tried it now, but so far this time, it hasn't been helping, so far, but I will keep trying. It can work. That Therapist was such a calm man!!!
Well, I hope you get feeling better too. We seemed to all be doing so well, then the rug seemed to be pulled out from under us?? It will get better.
Have a great night, and SS, if your out there, let us know how your doing. Take care my great friends, love, Becky

shestruggles

Hey ladies,

Happy to hear that you're having good 'moments'. That's about all I can manage these days as well. But I suppose thats all we have, eh? Just a series of moments, strung together - best make them happy ones.

That's the attitude I've been pushing on myself, and sometimes it works. I gain a ton from reading the posts here - so much of the advice works for me. Jane, your comments about accomplishing one or two important tasks each day is so true!!

Today I was on the edge of great dispair - my lawyer let me know that the 'one last hope' I had for immigration is not going to work. (Oh yes, and that I owe him another $200 to find that out...) Anyhow, as hubs was getting ready for work, I just sat in bed, tears flowing - looking at the mess of clothes and strewn about the bedroom, the stack of papers that need to be graded, and bills that need to paid. I just did not think I could find the strength to get up and face any of it....I felt so pathetic, sitting there, as he was leaving, all smart in his suit, ready to put in another hard day at work...I laid down and started 'thinking' as always, and was reaching for the remote when all of a sudden....I got mad. Real mad. Crazy mad!!!!!
I'm broke, I'm going to lose my home, my job, maybe my husband, and certainly my mind...so what have I got to lose??? I can lie in a messy room crying about it, OR I get get up, do the danm laundry, grade the papers, look at the bills and LIVE the DAY. That's all I have!!!

So I did. I ran around, sweating my a$$ off, working like some sort of mad woman - the laundry, the floors, the cupboards, my closet. Graded all my papers and ironed a dress for work. For the first time in 2 weeks I went to work, on time, with all my sh!t together. I had a great class and came home to a clean house. Now, that's not going to change the fact that I may lose everything, but neither did lying in bed all day watching Montel and People's Court....

Whew, maybe tonight I'll even sleep the sleep of a person who worked hard. Maybe I'll feel so tired I won't be able to sit up and worry the night away. Maybe I'll even try to practice some of those breathing exercizes my therapist taught me. (Doubtful, but maybe...)

Today I also made a list of the courts and places I need to contact up north to obtain all my paperwork, so I can present my case to a new lawyer. Made a list of lawyers numbers to try for a free consult. Maybe someone can help me. I'm NOT leaving without a fight. I know that ultimately I have no control over it, but it feels good to know I'm doing everything I can, instead of giving up...

OK, ladies - I hope you all find some peaceful moments in this day. Even if it looks impossible (money, collections agents, hmmm, INS!!) DON'T GIVE UP!!! It may not make a difference, but if you keep plugging away, maybe something will give. If not, you'll know you did your best.

We're not the same people we were when we were using. We don't have to feel ashamed and hopeless and guilty. Becky, you have done SO MUCH since I've had the pleasure of knowing you. Your husband will surely see this soon. Remember, he's spent a lot more years with the 'old' you than the the 'new-not-ever-using-that-crap-again' you.

Whew, didn't mean to ramble....Love to all of you out there: SS

angelgirl

Oh, you made me so sad. I am so sorry for your crap!!!
I feel terrible complaining about my stuff. I can deal with my stuff.
You make a list of lawyers,just like you said. man, I wish someone here on SR was a lawyer, and could help you. I know there are people from all walks of life that come to this site. PLEASE, IF THERE IS A LAWYER IN THE HOUSE< PLEASE HELP SHESTRUGGLES!!! PLEASE> YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT ADICTION IF YOU ARE HERE!!! PLEASE.
There I am pray, and praying a lawyer comes along and helps you. there has to be help. You aer doing so well girl!! You should take comfort in knowing that you have come SO far fighting addiction!! You are a wonderful girl, with alotof life left to live and continue to fight this disease. I thank god that we are both clean and in recovery, because these problems, as overwhelming as they seem, would be SO much worse if we were using. I know you know that.

You did a great thing by getting up, and doing all that today. What an accomplishment. That was me last night, only my heart was really racing, and I could not sit, so I got up, and plowed through a bunch of work, I have been neglecting terribly. I just couldn't sit. It was good. And last night I stayed up until maybe 4:30 am. which wasn't good, but I have for the last few days been getting to bed by about 2:30-3 am which is an improvment from my 5:30 am. So I am getting better in some areas. I go to bed and pray, and pray. It has really been helping me. I'm afraid of were I'd be if I weren't doing that.

ry to do those breathing excercises, I try to use them. Sometimes they did work for me. My therapist that taught me all that relaxation stuff was such a calm mellow man. I pray to be just like that. Like nothing really bothered him. Can you imagine?? I hope to. But they can work. Really..

My husband is just very stressed out. He has to also worry about all these bills, AND having a nut for a wife. I think he fears what will happen to me ALL the time. I think he fears I will die, like my mom, he was very close to my mom, and when we lost here, it took such a toll on him, along witht he whole family. My mom was a pill addict, and I think he is so afraid of my dying too, like she did, adn in the end of my using this last time, (the LAST time) I was telling him all the time, about what he should do if I die, with the kids, and that I wanted him to remarry for the kids sake, and all that kind of stuff. I know, that was such a terrible, terrible thing for me to do to him!!! I feel very bad about that. Can you imagine, every night not knowing if your husband/wife, would wake up the next day?? I know I did that to myself, i always wondered, and I'd lay in bed and ask god to let me wake up one more day, every night. But to put him through that,, terrible.

I am glad I am past doing that to myself. Thank god. I never, ever want to go back to that again. I know I never have to go back to that again. It's my choice, I choose NOT!!

Well, girl, I am sorry if I upset you anymore. I really want to make you smile. Please just gimme one little smile

THANKS!!!! LOVE YA!!!!! BECKY

shestruggles

How about a smile and a wiggle???


You sound much better Becky! Isn't it amazing how getting up and getting stuff done helps? I mean, it does'nt solve our problems, but it does help.

Your brief mentions of you mother is so very sad. I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a parent. I didn't realize that your husband knew your mom, for some reason, I always thought of her passing when you were young. But now that I think about it, you have spoken about that time in a few of your posts (with respect to the way your in-laws behaved) so I should have known. it's weird how we only remember what we choose to.

As far as my situation goes, yes, it sucks, and yes, I am so scared, the INS are more powerful than any police force out there. I have been to thousands of websites, and chat rooms and lawyers, not to mention hours of my own resarch, and I'm afraid I always end up at the same conclusion - it's not going to happen. But, I won't cry about that now. I just think of all the other tragedies people suffer - and my problem is nothing! I was so afraid I would lose my husband, I guess, but I know he loves me no matter what the outcome. So, I suppose I don't have any real reason to complain.

Last week I was talking to my father, explaining how there was no reason for me to get up each day and live my life here, as that lie is soon to be taken away from me. He is such a smart man (and brave, he just got a heart transplant last year) and of course, he told me that even when he was very sick, he still got up and lived each day - screw the uncertainty of tommorrow, as TODAY is all we have. Very true.

Well, dear Becky, here's to hoping we make it through another day - not just make it - but LIVE another day. It's a blessing to know you and have you to talk to. Who ever said NOTHING good comes from this horrible disease, I think is wrong. If it weren't for my sickness I never would have met you and the rest of the cool community here at SR. ( On second thought, maybe that was not from the disease, but from my choice to fight the disease...ah, well, you know what I mean!)

Much Love: SS

angelgirl

Hi there SS. I understand the confusion about my mom. That is because I deal with it like I was a child. I believe there are reasons for that though. I loved my mom very much, but she was really emtionally unavailable to me growing up. We had a great relationship with her, which is very hard to explain, but everyone was like my moms, mom. She had such a child like way about her. I believe I was mothering her from when I was very yound and on. But so did the rest of my family. She was often in the psyc. ward, so she left me alot. Sometimes she's go a couple times a year for 6 weeks at a time. She just wasn't able to help herself. I believe there are those people. I don't want to be one. I had always put up a VERY strong front, even though I would be dying on the inside. i think that is just something you learn to do. I think that is why I deal with her death so poorly. I did not have a mom figure, I had in a sense a child, and she was gone to often, so losing her the last time was just to much for me. As well as others in my family, and my husband. She was truly a one of a kind gem. I really struggle with her death.
Your father sounds like a wonderful man, and strong!! Does he live here? Smart, and resourcful. That is great that he is a help to you. Your husbadn also sounds wonderful. As long as he loves you, and you love him, you will be ok SS. I know you will. IF you have to go back, he will go with you he said? That should bring some comfort to you. Would be be able to go there, and start a life? I don't know much about leaving this country. Just some, sbout coming here, as my cousin, who I am pretty close to, is married to a man she met on a cruise ship, he is from Jamaica, he is a great man. She really is lucky. He is a citizen now, he got that a few years ago. He worked on the ship. She kept going on cruises His cruises. Funny thing, he really didn't care for the US, and would have been just as happy going back to his home. But she would not leave her family, they go every year to Jamaica and visit his family for a few weeks. But she really struggled and was VERY, VERY fearful of the INS. They aren't very nice from my understanding. I BELIEVE they should have much better targets in the US, than a happily married woman, attempting to get her life back in order. Please continue to search for a better Lawyer, that may make a difference? I hope.

Well, I had planned on doing some things today, but I didn't Do nothing. I am soon going to get up, and get moving. Sick, it's almost 6pm. and I am thinking about getting moving. DUMB ME!@!!! I just have trouble getting moving. It's like 95 here or something, and EXTREMELY humid. I don't even know where you live, but this weather may be heading your way.

Well, have a great night, day, when ever you read this. I ALWAYS wish the best for you!!! We are definately better people having gone through what we have been through. I always feel that peopel in recovery can actually be in a better place than some that have never had an addiction, we have endured so much, and we learn so much along the way during recovery,. I think we can tend to be more understanding and appreciative, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Just look at this WONDERFUL group here at SR, what a great group of understanding people.

Love ya, Becky

angelgirl

Hey, Hey, Hey, really great news!!! I am pretty excited!! I went to bed last night around 1am and prayed and prayed and feel ASLEEP That is such a great feeling to have gone to sleep the earliest since I can't even remember when!! What an improvment to my 4-5:30am normal time!!!

Just wanted to share that with you!!!! Love, Becky

shestruggles

Good Job, Becky!!! Hope you have a great, well-rested day.