i need advice ...PLEASE HELP!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 4
i need advice ...PLEASE HELP!
ok...so, i've been with this guy for 5 months now. i just realized today tht he is an alcoholic. i fell in love with him, and it's too late to back out, plus, i really don't want to just give up on him. he's a good person, he treats me better than anyone ever has, and he has one of the greatest hearts of anyone i've ever met....so what am i supposed to do? (i apologize ahead of time if i begin to ramble, because right now i'm crying my eyes out....i think i may actually run out of tears). i watched my aunt kill herself when i was 7 years old because of this disease, i have 3 best friends who have successfully recovered from the disease, but this case is a little bit different. it all started with his first DUI...he was locked up for like a month from that, and then on probation. well, he violated his probation and went back to jail (for drinking) and i can see another probation violation in his near future. he lies about his drinking, he won't admit that he's an alcoholic, and he actually broke off a 3.5 year relationship with his ex-fiance because he chose alcohol over her. i'm scared that the same thing is going to happen with me, i don't want to lose him to this disease...someone please help! my email is: [email protected], please help!!! my AIM screenname is: boilerchic32!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Boilerchic, if you want to know what to do to make him quit drinking so that the two of you can live happily ever after... well, I'm afraid it ain't gonna happen. My husband hasn't quit in more than 17 years. Sorry to be so blunt. However, if you want to know what to do so that YOU can live happily ever after, then read the posts on these boards for the advice and experience of many others. They will guide you to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sorry you are hurting. Everyone here has "been there."
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/indiana.html
If you haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting, now's a good time to find one, preferably a beginner's meeting if there are any in your area. Nothing compares to the value of sitting and sharing experience, strength and hope with people who have been through what you're going through. There is a solution.
One of the hardest things to do when someone we love is hurting themselves is to take the focus off of them and their behaviors and put the focus on ourselves, but that's where the focus needs to be. When you're on an airplane, they tell you that if the oxygen mask drops in front of you, you need to put it on yourself first before making any effort to help someone else. For people who love alcoholics and addicts, Al-Anon is the oxygen mask...
I wish you peace, boilerchic.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/indiana.html
If you haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting, now's a good time to find one, preferably a beginner's meeting if there are any in your area. Nothing compares to the value of sitting and sharing experience, strength and hope with people who have been through what you're going through. There is a solution.
One of the hardest things to do when someone we love is hurting themselves is to take the focus off of them and their behaviors and put the focus on ourselves, but that's where the focus needs to be. When you're on an airplane, they tell you that if the oxygen mask drops in front of you, you need to put it on yourself first before making any effort to help someone else. For people who love alcoholics and addicts, Al-Anon is the oxygen mask...
I wish you peace, boilerchic.
Laugh, Smile, & Be Happy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 36
Boilerchic, I hate to be redundant but READ THESE POSTS! I also hate to be negative and tell you to get out of the relationship but GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
Seriously... read the posts and experiences of others on here and look at what their lives are like and the pain that they are in. Some have been married for a short time (I've been married for 2yrs.) others have been married much longer (17 yrs.). After reading as much as you can then you decide whether you want to remain in this relationship. Five months is not that long considering you have an entire life to live.
Even if you don't stay in the relationship, but especially if you do, find an Al-Anon meeting to go to. You won't be going to find out how to "fix" your boyfriend though (only he can do that). You will be going to "fix" yourself (not that you're broken).
Please think long and hard about how you want to live the rest of your life.
Best of luck to you!
Seriously... read the posts and experiences of others on here and look at what their lives are like and the pain that they are in. Some have been married for a short time (I've been married for 2yrs.) others have been married much longer (17 yrs.). After reading as much as you can then you decide whether you want to remain in this relationship. Five months is not that long considering you have an entire life to live.
Even if you don't stay in the relationship, but especially if you do, find an Al-Anon meeting to go to. You won't be going to find out how to "fix" your boyfriend though (only he can do that). You will be going to "fix" yourself (not that you're broken).
Please think long and hard about how you want to live the rest of your life.
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
BoilerChic - I'm with everyone else. If he choose alcohol over his ex-fiance, what makes you any different. In an alcoholic's mind, the drink comes first, don't stand in the way of that.
15 years ago, I thought I could help my AH, and give him the love and life he never had growing up. He stomped all over me and took advantage of any kindness I gave him. You know what, now I'm a mess. We are still married, but we are seperated and I'm JUST NOW learning what I want. Each situation is different, but a lot of our stories here are very similar.
Listen to your mind....
Why do you say it is too late to back out?
15 years ago, I thought I could help my AH, and give him the love and life he never had growing up. He stomped all over me and took advantage of any kindness I gave him. You know what, now I'm a mess. We are still married, but we are seperated and I'm JUST NOW learning what I want. Each situation is different, but a lot of our stories here are very similar.
Listen to your mind....
Why do you say it is too late to back out?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Hi Boilerchic.
I am a wife who has lived through her husband choosing drinking over her.
When I met him 6 years ago I fell completely in love, as you have. I saw things in him I believed were special, yet they were buried under the pain he was suffering and medicating with alcohol. I believed he loved me and I loved him and we could use that love to fix everything and be happy.
I can repeat what JessicaNAJ said above... "I thought I could help my AH, and give him the love and life he never had growing up. He stomped all over me and took advantage of any kindness I gave him."
We were great as long as it was all going his way. But when the drinking progressed, the lies about it came with it, the money went missing, the responsibilities of life started to be all on me... I wanted it to stop.
We didn't have an equal relationship, I was giving so much more than I was getting. After the DUI I wanted him to accept he had a problem and work on sobriety, but he chose drinking over our marriage. Left me and my daughter and blamed me for 'throwing him out'.
The first time we spearated he knew I still needed him emotionally and he had me under his manipulative control, and he worked his way back in in a few months. The second time, after I had found Al Anon, he knew there was no manipulating me again... no coming back.
He moved in with another girl within a few months.
Now she thinks she is the one he will change for. He even told me that, laughing. He says she is nuts, but she does his laundry.
You see, they know what they are doing, deep down inside. They know they are using the love of people like us. He told her if he was going to stop drinking he could have stayed in his marriage, so why does she think he will stop for her. He even broke with her when she tried to put her foot down.
Now they just got back together again, with her having to accept his drinking and all his other crap.
I look at it and see myself, willing to accept things I never should have, just to have him in my life. At one point he told her it was fate that they met, and she was his soulmate and he never felt that way before. He told me that one night, laughing and drinking and calling me to chat about her and how crazy she is. He even got her name tattooed up his arm to convince her that she is special (despite having just separated from his wife and stepdaughter months before). He will go to any length to control his enabler by securing her 'love'. 'That poor woman', was all I could think.
'That poor woman' is all I can think when I read your post too.
I am a wife who has lived through her husband choosing drinking over her.
When I met him 6 years ago I fell completely in love, as you have. I saw things in him I believed were special, yet they were buried under the pain he was suffering and medicating with alcohol. I believed he loved me and I loved him and we could use that love to fix everything and be happy.
I can repeat what JessicaNAJ said above... "I thought I could help my AH, and give him the love and life he never had growing up. He stomped all over me and took advantage of any kindness I gave him."
We were great as long as it was all going his way. But when the drinking progressed, the lies about it came with it, the money went missing, the responsibilities of life started to be all on me... I wanted it to stop.
We didn't have an equal relationship, I was giving so much more than I was getting. After the DUI I wanted him to accept he had a problem and work on sobriety, but he chose drinking over our marriage. Left me and my daughter and blamed me for 'throwing him out'.
The first time we spearated he knew I still needed him emotionally and he had me under his manipulative control, and he worked his way back in in a few months. The second time, after I had found Al Anon, he knew there was no manipulating me again... no coming back.
He moved in with another girl within a few months.
Now she thinks she is the one he will change for. He even told me that, laughing. He says she is nuts, but she does his laundry.
You see, they know what they are doing, deep down inside. They know they are using the love of people like us. He told her if he was going to stop drinking he could have stayed in his marriage, so why does she think he will stop for her. He even broke with her when she tried to put her foot down.
Now they just got back together again, with her having to accept his drinking and all his other crap.
I look at it and see myself, willing to accept things I never should have, just to have him in my life. At one point he told her it was fate that they met, and she was his soulmate and he never felt that way before. He told me that one night, laughing and drinking and calling me to chat about her and how crazy she is. He even got her name tattooed up his arm to convince her that she is special (despite having just separated from his wife and stepdaughter months before). He will go to any length to control his enabler by securing her 'love'. 'That poor woman', was all I could think.
'That poor woman' is all I can think when I read your post too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: in here somewhere
Posts: 46
27 years married and giving up. Run Run Run
I am not an advice giver. I am an advice seeker. But my advice. Dont wait till you have 2 kids, a dog, a mortgage, 2 car payments together, car insurance. and everything else that entangles you so deep, that it takes an act of God, or a Sober Recovery Board to help you out of the mess. You have so many good years to spend with someone who will love you back. And my thinking is probably goofey still, cos my husband has only been gone 3 weeks. But I don't think love is suppose to be painful. Addiction is. You do what you need to do because leaving is hard too. But if I would have left with one or two years of my life invested instead of 27. I could be living a whole different life, with my eyes wide open to what a man looks like without a beer in his hand. Good Luck, and I will give you what these great people have given me, big hugs, and many thoughts of only good things for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
boilerchic32,
Do you want a mans opinion? My opinion is firmly..listen to the woman here. They know what they speak of. I asked a question on another thread about staying or running if you knew then what you know now. Most said run..Right now, today, is your THEN..
It is a relationship that leads to more problems as time goes on. Can he get sober? Sure. My wife has 14 months under her belt now. AT first she did her 90 in 90-still goes to 3 meetings a week. If I am asked would i repeat the last 18 years to get to here...probably not. It is good getting better every day. But there is damage.You cannot unring a bell. He will always be an alcoholic.
Add in a couple of DUI's and the law and it gets that much more exciting. Nothing like a DUI or two to spice up an alcoholics day. And WRECK yours..
If you love him, love him from a distance. He picked drink over a woman one time, he most likely will do it again. It may sound sappy but you DESERVE a man who would rather die himself than hurt you. They are out there. 5 months is not 18 years or 27 or more. FInd your happiness now, it is doubtful it will come later....
Do you want a mans opinion? My opinion is firmly..listen to the woman here. They know what they speak of. I asked a question on another thread about staying or running if you knew then what you know now. Most said run..Right now, today, is your THEN..
It is a relationship that leads to more problems as time goes on. Can he get sober? Sure. My wife has 14 months under her belt now. AT first she did her 90 in 90-still goes to 3 meetings a week. If I am asked would i repeat the last 18 years to get to here...probably not. It is good getting better every day. But there is damage.You cannot unring a bell. He will always be an alcoholic.
Add in a couple of DUI's and the law and it gets that much more exciting. Nothing like a DUI or two to spice up an alcoholics day. And WRECK yours..
If you love him, love him from a distance. He picked drink over a woman one time, he most likely will do it again. It may sound sappy but you DESERVE a man who would rather die himself than hurt you. They are out there. 5 months is not 18 years or 27 or more. FInd your happiness now, it is doubtful it will come later....
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Boiler... all I can say is please listen to these people. If you stay in this relationship I guarantee you will find a lot more tears to cry and your heart will be broken into little pieces. Isn't it better to go through some unhappiness now while you get over him than go through years of unhappiness and possibly have dysfunctional children?
You do have a choice. Please don't make the wrong one. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!!! You do not have that power! We all have been there done that and have the t-shirt.
You do have a choice. Please don't make the wrong one. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!!! You do not have that power! We all have been there done that and have the t-shirt.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Now that my A is gone. People are finelly opening up and trying to show me what I couldn't see when he was in my life. He would brag to his buddies about how he had my number, he knew what to say, what to do and how to do it to get me to the point that I would just give in. He even boasted that I loved him so much I would forgive him anything. After 13 years of this game, I am destroyed and he has moved on to another woman. He saw me as weak because I loved him so much. I was putty in his hands to be molded to his will.
Don't let that happen to you. You deserve better than that. Get to some meetings, read story after story after story which all start sounding similar just change the names as you go. It is heartbreaking. If you choose to stay with it, then do so with your eyes wide open. Whatever you choose be happy for you not anyone else.
B
Don't let that happen to you. You deserve better than that. Get to some meetings, read story after story after story which all start sounding similar just change the names as you go. It is heartbreaking. If you choose to stay with it, then do so with your eyes wide open. Whatever you choose be happy for you not anyone else.
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by boilerchic32
i've been with this guy for 5 months now. i fell in love with him, and it's too late to back out,
Leave or stay. But if you stay be prepared for a whole lotta pain, disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness... oh, the list could go on & on. Don't repeat the mistakes that many of us here have made - YOU can not change him!!
Christine
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: home
Posts: 60
Sorry that your hurting right now but for me the ah has never changed!If i had it to do over i would run like hell and prentend i never met him.i have been with my ah for 11 years and he is a good person but drunk is another story.i was blind to him.ireally thought he would change but instead it got worse.i dident want to listin to anything people had to say about him at the time because i dident want to believe it.i really wish now i would have listend!i hope everything works out for you!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
plus, i really don't want to just give up on him. he's a good person, he treats me better than anyone ever has, and he has one of the greatest hearts of anyone i've ever met....so what am i supposed to do?
So here I am, still loving him but unable to "save" him. All I can do is take care of me. I won't kid you. It hurts. It really, really hurts.
So as much as I'm still in the 'good' years (yikes
) and would do this all over again, I'm with the others. Read. Learn. Run. It's not too late to get out. Things will only get worse as the stresses of life pile on -- and really, those are just more excuses to drink. btw -- the funny thing is, those stresses of life? Most of the time they're caused by the alcohol. Our life the past 6 years should have been better and easier than all the rest of the life stresses we've been through together, but they've progressively been getting worse and more stressful --- due to the alchohol. Yeah. Run.
faith
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
If you get out, please go to AL-Anon meetings they will understand the pain and grief of your lose, and perhaps find those you can call, go for coffee etc. to help you over this. Then read and listen and learn so you don't go out and find another A. We are somehow drawn to the A's. Wishing the best for you thelma
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Hi Boilerchic!
I was married for 9 yrs. to an alcoholic. Nothing was more important to him than his booze. That marriage ended and my 19 year old daughter still feels the pain from it. Fortunately, she hates alcohol. Thank God for that.
Unfortunately though, I never got help, and ended up with yet another alcoholic. He baited me in and was Mr. Nice Guy in the beginning. As soon as I moved in with him, I saw an entirely different side to my Prince Charming. All he ever wanted to do was get drunk. He never took me anywhere and he wanted to spend most of his time with his drinking buddies. Eventually he became extremely emotionally abusive. Your boyfriend may not be physically or verbally abusive, BUT if you are hurting and confused already. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, in a sense. I have lived with this man for a little over a year now, and I am moving out this weekend. THANK GOD!!!! In Novemeber of 2004, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He went and got drunk. There was no compassion, no support, and certainly NO LOVE. He completely turned his back on me. There is no love and support with an active alcoholic. THEY JUST DON'T CARE about anything but getting to that next drink. Even though he knew that I would have to have surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, he treated me like s**t!
In one of his drunken stupors, he told me that he wanted me to get the **** out of here. He blames ME for bringing out the worst in him. He is a kind man when he is sober, but a monster when he is drunk. No way for anyone to live. Thanks to my faith in God, I have found another place to live and I am leaving this weekend.
I don't know you, but you sound young. Life is just toooo short!!!!
RUN! RUN! RUN! I can tell you from my own personal experiences with alcoholics that your self-esteem will disintegrate and your enjoyment out of life will too. The only way you can be happy with this man is IF he stops drinking and gets professional help (counseling, AA). I am now 48 years old and have spent my entire adult life trying to make an alcoholic love me or even make me a priority. JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!
Good luck to you and God Bless!
Most of all......[B]RUN
I was married for 9 yrs. to an alcoholic. Nothing was more important to him than his booze. That marriage ended and my 19 year old daughter still feels the pain from it. Fortunately, she hates alcohol. Thank God for that.
Unfortunately though, I never got help, and ended up with yet another alcoholic. He baited me in and was Mr. Nice Guy in the beginning. As soon as I moved in with him, I saw an entirely different side to my Prince Charming. All he ever wanted to do was get drunk. He never took me anywhere and he wanted to spend most of his time with his drinking buddies. Eventually he became extremely emotionally abusive. Your boyfriend may not be physically or verbally abusive, BUT if you are hurting and confused already. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, in a sense. I have lived with this man for a little over a year now, and I am moving out this weekend. THANK GOD!!!! In Novemeber of 2004, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He went and got drunk. There was no compassion, no support, and certainly NO LOVE. He completely turned his back on me. There is no love and support with an active alcoholic. THEY JUST DON'T CARE about anything but getting to that next drink. Even though he knew that I would have to have surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, he treated me like s**t!
In one of his drunken stupors, he told me that he wanted me to get the **** out of here. He blames ME for bringing out the worst in him. He is a kind man when he is sober, but a monster when he is drunk. No way for anyone to live. Thanks to my faith in God, I have found another place to live and I am leaving this weekend.
I don't know you, but you sound young. Life is just toooo short!!!!
RUN! RUN! RUN! I can tell you from my own personal experiences with alcoholics that your self-esteem will disintegrate and your enjoyment out of life will too. The only way you can be happy with this man is IF he stops drinking and gets professional help (counseling, AA). I am now 48 years old and have spent my entire adult life trying to make an alcoholic love me or even make me a priority. JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!
Good luck to you and God Bless!
Most of all......[B]RUN
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Minority Opinion
I'm in the minority here, but I just wanted to reiterate what's been said at countless Al-Anon meetings---by the program, not the people--- which is to avoid making major, life-altering decisions for at least six months (unless one's physical well-being is in danger) and to attend Al-Anon meetings, read Al-Anon literature, and find support and sponsorship in those rooms. Al-Anon's been offering a path to recovery for over 50 years to millions of people in alcoholic situations. I find them trustworthy.
For me, it was always the easier choice to cut and run when it became clear that I'd gotten myself into a toxic situation. Unfortunately, I hadn't dealt with my own issues (the ones that lead me repeatedly into those situations) so I just kept recreating more of the same.
Al-Anon talks about the Three A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. For me, it's dangerous to leap from the first A to the third A while bypassing the Acceptance part. This is not about accepting another person's unacceptable behavior; it's about accepting the part I play in forming these relationships, coming to grips with this part of me, and learning how to be healthier and more serene---whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Peace...
For me, it was always the easier choice to cut and run when it became clear that I'd gotten myself into a toxic situation. Unfortunately, I hadn't dealt with my own issues (the ones that lead me repeatedly into those situations) so I just kept recreating more of the same.
Al-Anon talks about the Three A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. For me, it's dangerous to leap from the first A to the third A while bypassing the Acceptance part. This is not about accepting another person's unacceptable behavior; it's about accepting the part I play in forming these relationships, coming to grips with this part of me, and learning how to be healthier and more serene---whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Peace...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hi. I have been in a very similar situation and I am in the middle of a nightmare. I am so messed up because of my AB. I totally understand how you feel. I love my AB so so much and had to finish with him because I couldnt handle the situation. The guys here were so supportive. If you trace my postings you will see what has happend.
Today I was checking the Inet for some song lyrics and came across this song. Some of the lyrics of a song I found rang real true for me.
".....
I hear you talking, but your words don't mean a thing.
I doubt you ever put your heart into anything.
It's not much to ask for, to get back what I put in,
But I chose the waters that I'm in.
....... What you really want him to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough
Just like I predicted
I will sink before I swim
'cause these are the waters that I'm in
Its so true. You do have a choice. It is not the choice you want to make as you despretely want to be with him. My AB said he would get help so many times and each time I went back for more but in the end as the song said I hear you talking but your words don`t mean a thing. It got to the point with me where he would wake up and be so sorry. Sorry just became an empty word - it had no meaning beacuse he would go do it again the next day. You do have a choice. It may be a hard choice but you are already having doubts a few months on. Please dont put yourself through the pain and heartache I and the guys here have. You "choose the waters that you are in."
I wish you luck with your decision. Big Hug.
Today I was checking the Inet for some song lyrics and came across this song. Some of the lyrics of a song I found rang real true for me.
".....
I hear you talking, but your words don't mean a thing.
I doubt you ever put your heart into anything.
It's not much to ask for, to get back what I put in,
But I chose the waters that I'm in.
....... What you really want him to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough
Just like I predicted
I will sink before I swim
'cause these are the waters that I'm in
Its so true. You do have a choice. It is not the choice you want to make as you despretely want to be with him. My AB said he would get help so many times and each time I went back for more but in the end as the song said I hear you talking but your words don`t mean a thing. It got to the point with me where he would wake up and be so sorry. Sorry just became an empty word - it had no meaning beacuse he would go do it again the next day. You do have a choice. It may be a hard choice but you are already having doubts a few months on. Please dont put yourself through the pain and heartache I and the guys here have. You "choose the waters that you are in."
I wish you luck with your decision. Big Hug.
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