JohnToon

Tough few weeks. Mood quite manic. I've been increasingly impulsive and unfocused. Took the day off work today to try to rebalance myself. Walking along a canal until I run out of light. Pushing back on some of the strongest cravings to drink in months. Impulsive alcoholic voice telling me to "just do it". I am here to make the commitment to you that I will not drink. I am hoping that by making this post my subconscious will stop torturing me.

Alpine

JohnToon, I have been there where that av is just screaming..It is darn tough but keep pushing it down. The more you push it down the stronger you will become. Run that tape forward/backward to see where drinking has lead you. For me it just lead me further down a hole where I did not want to be. And every time I gave in to the av the harder it was to stop and my mood was all over the place and my anxiety was heightened soon after I stopped. Coming here daily and reading and posting helped a lot too. There are several threads for daily commitment in different forms. Just don't take that drink..It is the first one you have to worry about.

Alpine

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DriGuy

Don't do battle with your AV. That's what it wants because it keeps him in the game. Just don't drink, and with no one to play with, the will go away. Every time I engaged in battle with my AV, I lost and ended up failing. I was trying to be strong, manly even. I needed to disengage rather than prove something to myself.

zenithboy88

JT,
I know how hard it is to stay focused when you are feeling all over the map.
Taking long walks as you did can help get you through it.
Also doing things that you didn't do while drinking, hobbies, try deliberately focusing on chores, eat good meals.
It's tough at first and nearly seems undoable,
Just keep in mind what everyone says,
Things get much, much better!

novips

I could not stay clean and sober till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom -- like me -- AA is the only solution. Please keep an open mind about the possibility that you might be the that type of alcoholic as well. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

mav

I'm there with you JT. Struggling with confusing emotions and crazy mood swings. It's hard.

Do what you have to do to stay sober.

Anna

John, I'm glad you posted and I'm glad you're determined to stay sober. It will get easier as you keep moving forward.

biminiblue

You've got this.

I used to just say it out loud, "Go away, you so-and-so. I don't drink."

That always worked. Arguing and letting it take up space is the worst thing. Distract, don't drink. Eat.

Offthemast

I believe he is over a year sober. Is that correct John?

Zencat

Me too. I had rimes that were easy to remember when the AV started to squawk. "alcohol is not for me I want to be free". I would say or think that over and over until the urged passed. I worked very well for me.

SoberLeigh

Stay strong, John Toon. Kick your AV into the canal.

It’s. great that you posted. We are walking beside you,

brighterday1234

Don’t drink and progress your recovery in some way . For me the spiritual solution is where it’s at 🙏

Hevyn

We're always here to listen & understand, JT. I went through a difficult phase with my AV, but it gave up & left me alone years ago.
Happy you posted about what's going on. It helps with our anxiety.

Oglsby

This is where Fish's famous DON"T DRINK EVER. NO MATTER WHAT comes in.

Cravings really do come and go. They are fleeting. Always check for HALT-B. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, (and I added Bored). A lot of times if I eat something my cravings (which are very rare) dissipate.

It's all normal and just part of the process. It gets less and less with more sobriety time. It really is true.

Dee74

How are you doing now John?

D

Tailai

John,

CONTROLLING YOUR SLEEP is critical when you’re in a manic phase.

JohnToon

Thank you for your guidance.

Today has shaken me. 431 days sober. Everything I've achieved, all the awful stuff that would follow that first drink. For an hour or so, none of it entered my mind. It felt like an inconsequential decision. Like treating yourself to something you can't really afford. I'm embarrassed to admit it to you alI. I got my reasoning back as I kept walking, so I wrote the text above to try to solidify my rational thoughts.

I will try to reframe the way I respond to my AV and dismiss it rather than fight it. I can't seem to hold thoughts in my head very long among the noise right now. But it's a different way of thinking about it and it helped me today.

​​​​​​​Thanks for the nudge on sleep Tailai - I've been going to bed late and waking up a few hours later with waves of anxiety. I will start going to bed a couple of hours earlier.

Dee74

No need to be embarrassed - I'm sure everyone here is familiar with the rationalising that goes on.

It's not the thoughts that define us, its what we do in response.

The important thing is you got through, sober, John

D

biminiblue

What is the noise? Stress? Actual mania? I have days when something happens that is difficult or bad and it will set off my fear response. Of course you don't have to answer, and I'm glad you made it through. If you didn't drink, you did it right today. Absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. We all struggle with life at times .

Like Dee says, no one said it had to be graceful.