Completely Lost
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Join Date: Nov 2023
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Completely Lost
My husband and I have been together since high school married for ten years and have 3 amazing sons. He has always been a drinker; but 2 years ago my mother passed away losing her fight to cancer at 56. My mom and him had a solid relationship, and up until she passed he was in denial of how serious her condition was. Needless to say his drinking became very heavy, he was a beer drinker that turned into consuming bottles of Hennessy along with multiple beers. At that point was the start of binge drinking and becoming overly consumed with my mothers death so much so that I have still 2 years later haven’t properly grieved for myself. He would go days and days consuming large amounts of alcohol not eating not knowing what is happening in reality. He finally agreed to go into treatment a little over a year post my mother passing only to demand to come home after a week. He came back home and my father unexpectedly died a week after. So right back to the liquor store he went and the vicious cycle continued. Holidays came and went and the drinking continued. At the top of this year he agreed to go back into treatment this time staying 2 weeks and coming out and being sober for 6 months within that 6 months we had been to a couple social events that involved alcohol and he refrained. A former coworker had invited us to a BBQ that initially he didn’t want to go to but this coworker was actually dating a childhood friend of his and he always complains about not being around friends so we went and ended his 6 months of sobriety. Went a few days then was back in full swing with drinking heavily got another DUI not too long after. I feel do alone because nothing has helped. He has gone to rehab 2 more times with no real results. He goes into these binges and myself and my children have to have front row seats to his behavior. Obviously he’s not the same person when he drinks. It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse. My 9 year old sees him with alcohol and automatically ask me are we taking him to rehab. He’s so accustomed to the chaos that in his adolescent mind he thinks that is normal and I hate it. I have absolutely no outlet none of my friends are going through this my sister knows what’s going on but it’s only so much she can really offer. His siblings are enablers he goes over their houses every now and then and drinks they don’t say a word and in all honesty why would they? They don’t have to live with him, they don’t have to miss work or anything. I hate this situation that I am in and have no idea of what to do. I cry myself to sleep most times just hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
hi ladylavender, glad you found the forum.
The only person that can change any of this is you. He's obviously not going to do anything about it, as he has shown you.
Have you considered leaving? If not, is there something prohibiting you from leaving?
The only person that can change any of this is you. He's obviously not going to do anything about it, as he has shown you.
Have you considered leaving? If not, is there something prohibiting you from leaving?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 5
Hi Trailmix. I think what holding me back is I guess I’m still holding on to hope I guess he’s my best friend at the end of the day. Leaving means I gave up on him but now that I’m writing this I guess he’s given up on us as well.
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Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 3
I’m there too
LadyLavender. I am so sorry to read this, as a woman married to a functioning alcoholic for 52 years, I wish I had words of encouragement. I stumbled across this forum after googling I have “ lost all empathy” for him ( my husband), he is not physically well, he has several health problems that the alcohol abuse is multiplying . My son and I have talked to him too many times to count. He promises the world but cannot stop once he puts bourbon to his lips! He has fallen several times and I’ve had to call EMS or our son to get him up off the floor. Another episode tonight, he just didn’t end up on the floor. It’s almost 2 am and here I am still dealing with his abuse of alcohol while he’s sleeping. He is 76 years old and I’m 74. To say I’m at the end of my rope is putting it mildly. We are both college educated people, ironic and pathetic, I have a degree in counseling. Yet, I can’t help him and I can’t seem to help myself… I do know I need to save myself before it’s too late! I probably should leave him, hard to visualize what that looks like after 50+ years. It’s a sad situation, we could travel and enjoy life, yet here we are stuck in an alcoholic fog and merry go round, doing absolutely nothing together! LadyLavender, don’t wait too late to save yourself.
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Originally Posted by Ladylavender 
Hi Trailmix. I think what holding me back is I guess I’m still holding on to hope I guess he’s my best friend at the end of the day. Leaving means I gave up on him but now that I’m writing this I guess he’s given up on us as well.
I going to guess his increased drinking is more to do with him (personally) than your Mother or Father dying. I'm sorry about that by the way and the fact that you haven't even been able to address your grief because of his alcoholism is really sad - and terribly unfair to you.
I doubt a true best friend would be so self centered. You may be his best friend, but he is not yours is he? His first relationship is with alcohol, that is his love, his priority and his focus. When he is drinking he's thinking does he have enough to last the night or day, when he's not drinking he's wondering when he can next drink, what time does the store that sells liquor close.
That doesn't leave much room for you and your Sons.
You can move out of where you are (or he can) and that doesn't mean you have given up on him. Doesn't even mean you need to have a separation or divorce, nothing is written in stone. But perhaps that space from him is what you and your children need. A time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). What about your life, did you ever plan on sacrificing your happiness to alcoholism? How about your children, what is this teaching them? That poor treatment is ok, that you don't have to protect yourself, that you should be loyal to a fault?
We can think sometimes, well no, they aren't stupid, they watch tv families they see their friends families, they know what is dysfunctional. The thing is, where you live, who your parents are how they are is your normal, not whatever those other people are up to.
Anyway, you do deserve to be treated well, to be treated with respect.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He needs help, but no kind of help you can give him. In fact, perhaps, you are just propping him up? Maybe it would be what is best for him as well?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You could be travelling and enjoying life, you don't need to leave him if you don't want to, of course you can if you do want to, but no need to have his alcoholism hold you back?
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by trailmix
You could be travelling and enjoying life, you don't need to leave him if you don't want to, of course you can if you do want to, but no need to have his alcoholism hold you back?
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 115
Ok, firstly, this is terrible! I'm so sorry! And this is all a crux around *your* parents passing! You must be in such a place of constant pain, I can't believe you have to deal with this too.
I'm no psychiatrist just a recovering alcoholic but it sounds like he never learned how to deal with pain and grief. He just presses the easy button of Drink. And like me there's no One Drink. I am now at a point where the synaps in my brain are so rewired to push the gas pedal to the floor with drinking every time that one sip and I'm gone. That's what he needs to come to terms to, and he definitely needs to start going to therapy, every week, and maybe a support group every week.
But like our friend above said, people will break rules set on them by other people. He needs to want it himself. So you have to worry about you! You have three sons, wowzer, you deserve a parade or an award or something! What do you need to do to be happy, you deserve the absolute best in life, so what can you live with? Alcoholics are jerks and unpredictable so you may need to make some worse case scenario plans I hate to say. Maybe make a couple of different degrees.
Regardless, sending you hugs! Thank you for posting and sharing, it's so hard to do that step, we are here for you any way we can be.
I'm no psychiatrist just a recovering alcoholic but it sounds like he never learned how to deal with pain and grief. He just presses the easy button of Drink. And like me there's no One Drink. I am now at a point where the synaps in my brain are so rewired to push the gas pedal to the floor with drinking every time that one sip and I'm gone. That's what he needs to come to terms to, and he definitely needs to start going to therapy, every week, and maybe a support group every week.
But like our friend above said, people will break rules set on them by other people. He needs to want it himself. So you have to worry about you! You have three sons, wowzer, you deserve a parade or an award or something! What do you need to do to be happy, you deserve the absolute best in life, so what can you live with? Alcoholics are jerks and unpredictable so you may need to make some worse case scenario plans I hate to say. Maybe make a couple of different degrees.
Regardless, sending you hugs! Thank you for posting and sharing, it's so hard to do that step, we are here for you any way we can be.
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[sigh]
My late AH's excuse for drinking beer was he was thirsty and didn't like water. As you've noticed with your husband, any excuse is good enough for him.
my condolences on the passing of your parents.
My late AH's excuse for drinking beer was he was thirsty and didn't like water. As you've noticed with your husband, any excuse is good enough for him.
my condolences on the passing of your parents.
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Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by trailmix
You could be travelling and enjoying life, you don't need to leave him if you don't want to, of course you can if you do want to, but no need to have his alcoholism hold you back?
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
You can't "fix" him, he is who he is, but you can certainly go out and enjoy your life!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Ladylavender
My husband and I have been together since high school married for ten years and have 3 amazing sons. He has always been a drinker; but 2 years ago my mother passed away losing her fight to cancer at 56. My mom and him had a solid relationship, and up until she passed he was in denial of how serious her condition was. Needless to say his drinking became very heavy, he was a beer drinker that turned into consuming bottles of Hennessy along with multiple beers. At that point was the start of binge drinking and becoming overly consumed with my mothers death so much so that I have still 2 years later haven’t properly grieved for myself. He would go days and days consuming large amounts of alcohol not eating not knowing what is happening in reality. He finally agreed to go into treatment a little over a year post my mother passing only to demand to come home after a week. He came back home and my father unexpectedly died a week after. So right back to the liquor store he went and the vicious cycle continued. Holidays came and went and the drinking continued. At the top of this year he agreed to go back into treatment this time staying 2 weeks and coming out and being sober for 6 months within that 6 months we had been to a couple social events that involved alcohol and he refrained. A former coworker had invited us to a BBQ that initially he didn’t want to go to but this coworker was actually dating a childhood friend of his and he always complains about not being around friends so we went and ended his 6 months of sobriety. Went a few days then was back in full swing with drinking heavily got another DUI not too long after. I feel do alone because nothing has helped. He has gone to rehab 2 more times with no real results. He goes into these binges and myself and my children have to have front row seats to his behavior. Obviously he’s not the same person when he drinks. It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse. My 9 year old sees him with alcohol and automatically ask me are we taking him to rehab. He’s so accustomed to the chaos that in his adolescent mind he thinks that is normal and I hate it. I have absolutely no outlet none of my friends are going through this my sister knows what’s going on but it’s only so much she can really offer. His siblings are enablers he goes over their houses every now and then and drinks they don’t say a word and in all honesty why would they? They don’t have to live with him, they don’t have to miss work or anything. I hate this situation that I am in and have no idea of what to do. I cry myself to sleep most times just hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
I am sorry to hear of your situation and every situation is different. My post from early this morning was just me having a bad night. I have been married to my husband for over 50 years, I will say the good times are many but the alcohol, as you know and have expressed, is hard to deal with. I have no advice and don’t want it to seem as if I do. Take good care of yourself. You are the only one who knows your situation and only you will know what is best. Only those going through these things can completely understand the heartache it brings. I am so very sorry you are dealing with your husband’s drinking and your parents passing. I am guessing you feel all alone, I hope things improve.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Hi Ladylavender---
Welcome to the forum, the club no one would ever consciously choose to join but here we are!! Keep reading around, collectively here on SR we've seen everything so always remember that you are not alone.
"It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse."
Yup. We've all heard all the "reasons they drink." Just remember the truth: they drink because that's what alcoholics do. Until he chooses to make his sobriety and recovery his #1 priority he will continue to drink and it only gets worse in terms of chaotic repercussions relationship-wise, health-wise, financially, etc.
"I have absolutely no outlet"
You definitely need support and guidance! AlAnon is what really turned my head around and got me on the road to my own recovery and gave me tools to help deal with both the legacy of my father's drinking and my 3 brothers who all grew up to be As. And honestly, as much as I would never ever want to go through the crap I've been through with the As in my family, it provided me with the opportunity to really examine my life, to really understand the nature of freedom and compassion in this life. To really fully embrace the fact that I can't "help" people with addiction, it is way beyond my scope - they need to seek the help and support of other As and addiction specialists, and I 100% cannot fix other people! Hard enough fixing myself!! LOL.
Alcoholism THRIVES in secrecy and family members quickly become complicit in the games of denial and secrecy. It was SO damaging to me as a child. I'm sad your kids are witnessing it but if they have the vocabulary and are unafraid to call it alcoholism and talk to you about it that is huge.
My father was an A and I still am filled with anger and sorrow that no sober sane adult (would have been nice if it was our mother LOL!) had come to us kids and said Dad is sick, it's called alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, and it doesn't mean we can't love him or that he doesn;t love you, but some of the rules change because of this illness, and we have to protect our own peace of mind. And I'm here to listen and try to answer any questions anytime."
Would my brothers have become As if the whole picture had been more openly discussed and my mother had not chosen to be a codependent, enabling, denier? If she had been an example of loving detachment who had saved us all from a front row seat to the insanity? Sadly I will never know.
It's great you're here - if you're so inclined check out an AlAnon meeting in your area, it's for the friends and families of alcoholics, it's free. If you live where there are several meetings a week try some different ones, they all have their own "vibe." AlAnon and counseling really got me to see that I am free in each moment, that hope is not a plan, and that baby steps begin every journey.
AlAnon Find A Meeting
Peace,
B.
Welcome to the forum, the club no one would ever consciously choose to join but here we are!! Keep reading around, collectively here on SR we've seen everything so always remember that you are not alone.
"It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse."
Yup. We've all heard all the "reasons they drink." Just remember the truth: they drink because that's what alcoholics do. Until he chooses to make his sobriety and recovery his #1 priority he will continue to drink and it only gets worse in terms of chaotic repercussions relationship-wise, health-wise, financially, etc.
"I have absolutely no outlet"
You definitely need support and guidance! AlAnon is what really turned my head around and got me on the road to my own recovery and gave me tools to help deal with both the legacy of my father's drinking and my 3 brothers who all grew up to be As. And honestly, as much as I would never ever want to go through the crap I've been through with the As in my family, it provided me with the opportunity to really examine my life, to really understand the nature of freedom and compassion in this life. To really fully embrace the fact that I can't "help" people with addiction, it is way beyond my scope - they need to seek the help and support of other As and addiction specialists, and I 100% cannot fix other people! Hard enough fixing myself!! LOL.
Alcoholism THRIVES in secrecy and family members quickly become complicit in the games of denial and secrecy. It was SO damaging to me as a child. I'm sad your kids are witnessing it but if they have the vocabulary and are unafraid to call it alcoholism and talk to you about it that is huge.
My father was an A and I still am filled with anger and sorrow that no sober sane adult (would have been nice if it was our mother LOL!) had come to us kids and said Dad is sick, it's called alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, and it doesn't mean we can't love him or that he doesn;t love you, but some of the rules change because of this illness, and we have to protect our own peace of mind. And I'm here to listen and try to answer any questions anytime."
Would my brothers have become As if the whole picture had been more openly discussed and my mother had not chosen to be a codependent, enabling, denier? If she had been an example of loving detachment who had saved us all from a front row seat to the insanity? Sadly I will never know.
It's great you're here - if you're so inclined check out an AlAnon meeting in your area, it's for the friends and families of alcoholics, it's free. If you live where there are several meetings a week try some different ones, they all have their own "vibe." AlAnon and counseling really got me to see that I am free in each moment, that hope is not a plan, and that baby steps begin every journey.
AlAnon Find A Meeting
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by TooCarin
LadyLavender
I am sorry to hear of your situation and every situation is different. My post from early this morning was just me having a bad night. I have been married to my husband for over 50 years, I will say the good times are many but the alcohol, as you know and have expressed, is hard to deal with. I have no advice and don’t want it to seem as if I do. Take good care of yourself. You are the only one who knows your situation and only you will know what is best. Only those going through these things can completely understand the heartache it brings. I am so very sorry you are dealing with your husband’s drinking and your parents passing. I am guessing you feel all alone, I hope things improve.
I am sorry to hear of your situation and every situation is different. My post from early this morning was just me having a bad night. I have been married to my husband for over 50 years, I will say the good times are many but the alcohol, as you know and have expressed, is hard to deal with. I have no advice and don’t want it to seem as if I do. Take good care of yourself. You are the only one who knows your situation and only you will know what is best. Only those going through these things can completely understand the heartache it brings. I am so very sorry you are dealing with your husband’s drinking and your parents passing. I am guessing you feel all alone, I hope things improve.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Hi Ladylavender---
Welcome to the forum, the club no one would ever consciously choose to join but here we are!! Keep reading around, collectively here on SR we've seen everything so always remember that you are not alone.
"It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse."
Yup. We've all heard all the "reasons they drink." Just remember the truth: they drink because that's what alcoholics do. Until he chooses to make his sobriety and recovery his #1 priority he will continue to drink and it only gets worse in terms of chaotic repercussions relationship-wise, health-wise, financially, etc.
"I have absolutely no outlet"
You definitely need support and guidance! AlAnon is what really turned my head around and got me on the road to my own recovery and gave me tools to help deal with both the legacy of my father's drinking and my 3 brothers who all grew up to be As. And honestly, as much as I would never ever want to go through the crap I've been through with the As in my family, it provided me with the opportunity to really examine my life, to really understand the nature of freedom and compassion in this life. To really fully embrace the fact that I can't "help" people with addiction, it is way beyond my scope - they need to seek the help and support of other As and addiction specialists, and I 100% cannot fix other people! Hard enough fixing myself!! LOL.
Alcoholism THRIVES in secrecy and family members quickly become complicit in the games of denial and secrecy. It was SO damaging to me as a child. I'm sad your kids are witnessing it but if they have the vocabulary and are unafraid to call it alcoholism and talk to you about it that is huge.
My father was an A and I still am filled with anger and sorrow that no sober sane adult (would have been nice if it was our mother LOL!) had come to us kids and said Dad is sick, it's called alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, and it doesn't mean we can't love him or that he doesn;t love you, but some of the rules change because of this illness, and we have to protect our own peace of mind. And I'm here to listen and try to answer any questions anytime."
Would my brothers have become As if the whole picture had been more openly discussed and my mother had not chosen to be a codependent, enabling, denier? If she had been an example of loving detachment who had saved us all from a front row seat to the insanity? Sadly I will never know.
It's great you're here - if you're so inclined check out an AlAnon meeting in your area, it's for the friends and families of alcoholics, it's free. If you live where there are several meetings a week try some different ones, they all have their own "vibe." AlAnon and counseling really got me to see that I am free in each moment, that hope is not a plan, and that baby steps begin every journey.
AlAnon Find A Meeting
Peace,
B.
Welcome to the forum, the club no one would ever consciously choose to join but here we are!! Keep reading around, collectively here on SR we've seen everything so always remember that you are not alone.
"It’s always an excuse to drink it’s Friday, it’s Sunday and footballs on, it’s my birthday it’s your birthday, it’s the holidays, I miss your parents. It is always an excuse."
Yup. We've all heard all the "reasons they drink." Just remember the truth: they drink because that's what alcoholics do. Until he chooses to make his sobriety and recovery his #1 priority he will continue to drink and it only gets worse in terms of chaotic repercussions relationship-wise, health-wise, financially, etc.
"I have absolutely no outlet"
You definitely need support and guidance! AlAnon is what really turned my head around and got me on the road to my own recovery and gave me tools to help deal with both the legacy of my father's drinking and my 3 brothers who all grew up to be As. And honestly, as much as I would never ever want to go through the crap I've been through with the As in my family, it provided me with the opportunity to really examine my life, to really understand the nature of freedom and compassion in this life. To really fully embrace the fact that I can't "help" people with addiction, it is way beyond my scope - they need to seek the help and support of other As and addiction specialists, and I 100% cannot fix other people! Hard enough fixing myself!! LOL.
Alcoholism THRIVES in secrecy and family members quickly become complicit in the games of denial and secrecy. It was SO damaging to me as a child. I'm sad your kids are witnessing it but if they have the vocabulary and are unafraid to call it alcoholism and talk to you about it that is huge.
My father was an A and I still am filled with anger and sorrow that no sober sane adult (would have been nice if it was our mother LOL!) had come to us kids and said Dad is sick, it's called alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, and it doesn't mean we can't love him or that he doesn;t love you, but some of the rules change because of this illness, and we have to protect our own peace of mind. And I'm here to listen and try to answer any questions anytime."
Would my brothers have become As if the whole picture had been more openly discussed and my mother had not chosen to be a codependent, enabling, denier? If she had been an example of loving detachment who had saved us all from a front row seat to the insanity? Sadly I will never know.
It's great you're here - if you're so inclined check out an AlAnon meeting in your area, it's for the friends and families of alcoholics, it's free. If you live where there are several meetings a week try some different ones, they all have their own "vibe." AlAnon and counseling really got me to see that I am free in each moment, that hope is not a plan, and that baby steps begin every journey.
AlAnon Find A Meeting
Peace,
B.
Thank you B. I am going to go to a meeting tomorrow evening it one by my home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hope you find the meeting is a good fit for you LL, please let us know how it goes.
I have been going to Al-anon for the past 4 weeks and I am so glad it was suggested to me. The group was very welcoming and has so much wisdom and words of encouragement. I plan on going every week.
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