Just Lost
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Join Date: Oct 2023
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Just Lost
Reading this forum has really helped me over the last nine months. My story is no unique at all, I’m simply lost in trying to determine do I stay or do I go? I met my now fiancé almost a year ago and was fairly naive to seeing the red flags of his drinking. You know the story my ex left me but it was mutual blah blah. Fast forward to today where his problem with alcohol and cocaine (learned of that one when he got so drunk I had to help him into shower and found it in his pocket). All the stories of blaming me or turning things around to keep me inline or rages when he’s drinking they are my reality. Some days are good and we’ve been in therapy where I hate to admit took every ounce of courage I had to describe what I had actually seen actually enabled but finally did it… he says he wants help he has made appts for therapy he’s made appt to get medicine to help him…. But since all of that his drinking became more intense it’s like he’s throwing the Hail Mary before he has to start the process. I ask him and he never lies about the drinking. He does it everyday sometimes starts early and goes into the night some days if he doesn’t drink he shakes sweats and gets really agitated. My story I’ve had loads of therapy in life it’s always helped me and I’m obviously a codependent mess I think, but I’m a work in progress and keep trying to find the courage to walk away.
I love him dearly. I don’t want to lose him but I know the cold hard truth and that is I will never be the person he loves more than drinking and binging cocaine…. When he says I’m off to play golf my anxiety goes thru the roof knowing it won’t be a good day or a good night and it will end in him yelling at me telling me I make him feel not good enough how bad I hurt his feelings how he does everything for this relationship and I do nothing. I just resort to shutting down completely and saying nothing. Some days I just hide away at times to not be the punching bag for the verbal attack.
I have no idea what I’m asking for here other than to say thank you for letting me read and know I’m not crazy and for being able to just tell my story and find more courage to hold my boundaries or create some or stop enabling him out of fear of losing him.
Ps… he has a young daughter who I have grown closer too and the saddest thing ever is hearing him tell me she doesn’t want you around when he’s drinking as an excuse. Although she gravitates to me to feel safe I think mostly. She knows she can count on me and I’m consistent and there.
Anyways thank you…..
I love him dearly. I don’t want to lose him but I know the cold hard truth and that is I will never be the person he loves more than drinking and binging cocaine…. When he says I’m off to play golf my anxiety goes thru the roof knowing it won’t be a good day or a good night and it will end in him yelling at me telling me I make him feel not good enough how bad I hurt his feelings how he does everything for this relationship and I do nothing. I just resort to shutting down completely and saying nothing. Some days I just hide away at times to not be the punching bag for the verbal attack.
I have no idea what I’m asking for here other than to say thank you for letting me read and know I’m not crazy and for being able to just tell my story and find more courage to hold my boundaries or create some or stop enabling him out of fear of losing him.
Ps… he has a young daughter who I have grown closer too and the saddest thing ever is hearing him tell me she doesn’t want you around when he’s drinking as an excuse. Although she gravitates to me to feel safe I think mostly. She knows she can count on me and I’m consistent and there.
Anyways thank you…..
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 142
There's only one person left in the relationship, dear, and that is you. He has already left it. And will not be returning.
He is abusing you, and as is always the cycle, he has convinced you that it is you who are letting him down.
You should go.
Sobriety, maturity, accountability, dependability, integrity: maybe he will one day achieve those things. But it is years away. And still unlikely. I'm sorry for your pain. And for his daughter's abandonment by her father. I hope she has a solid mother who will help her through this. If you marry him, you might birth a child together, who will also suffer. Two children: two childhoods ruined.
You should go.
He is abusing you, and as is always the cycle, he has convinced you that it is you who are letting him down.
You should go.
Sobriety, maturity, accountability, dependability, integrity: maybe he will one day achieve those things. But it is years away. And still unlikely. I'm sorry for your pain. And for his daughter's abandonment by her father. I hope she has a solid mother who will help her through this. If you marry him, you might birth a child together, who will also suffer. Two children: two childhoods ruined.
You should go.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,937
Welcome to SR, Egggzausted. I am so sorry for what brings you here.
There are many SR people who have ‘lived’ your experiences and will be along soon to respond.
I am an alcoholic in recovery (almost 12 years sober); in order to recover, you have to want to be clean and sober and make it a compelling, complete and top priority in your life. If your finance cannot commit to this, I would suggest that you thoroughly examine what you want in life. If the current situation is not something that you can live with, ending this relationship may be the only choice. Untreated alcoholism only gets worse.
There are many SR people who have ‘lived’ your experiences and will be along soon to respond.
I am an alcoholic in recovery (almost 12 years sober); in order to recover, you have to want to be clean and sober and make it a compelling, complete and top priority in your life. If your finance cannot commit to this, I would suggest that you thoroughly examine what you want in life. If the current situation is not something that you can live with, ending this relationship may be the only choice. Untreated alcoholism only gets worse.
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Join Date: Oct 2023
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden 
There's only one person left in the relationship, dear, and that is you. He has already left it. And will not be returning.
He is abusing you, and as is always the cycle, he has convinced you that it is you who are letting him down.
You should go.
Sobriety, maturity, accountability, dependability, integrity: maybe he will one day achieve those things. But it is years away. And still unlikely. I'm sorry for your pain. And for his daughter's abandonment by her father. I hope she has a solid mother who will help her through this. If you marry him, you might birth a child together, who will also suffer. Two children: two childhoods ruined.
You should go.
He is abusing you, and as is always the cycle, he has convinced you that it is you who are letting him down.
You should go.
Sobriety, maturity, accountability, dependability, integrity: maybe he will one day achieve those things. But it is years away. And still unlikely. I'm sorry for your pain. And for his daughter's abandonment by her father. I hope she has a solid mother who will help her through this. If you marry him, you might birth a child together, who will also suffer. Two children: two childhoods ruined.
You should go.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by Egggzausted
I love him dearly. I don’t want to lose him but I know the cold hard truth and that is I will never be the person he loves more than drinking and binging cocaine…. When he says I’m off to play golf my anxiety goes thru the roof knowing it won’t be a good day or a good night and it will end in him yelling at me telling me I make him feel not good enough how bad I hurt his feelings how he does everything for this relationship and I do nothing. I just resort to shutting down completely and saying nothing. Some days I just hide away at times to not be the punching bag for the verbal attack.
He has said he will do this or that and has proceeded to drink heavily. Actions, not words. As you probably know, these don't seem like the actions of someone ready to get sober and then get in to recovery.
He has a long road ahead of him, if he chooses sobriety. Putting the drink and cocaine down is hard enough, getting in to recovery is probably even harder. It's something he will have to work at forever. He will need to know what got him here in the first place, then he will need to work on any issues, any other mental health issues the drugs might be hiding and learn to live life on life's terms.
Whether you believe what he is saying right now or not, it's still his challenge, not yours.
Honestly? I would leave him alone for a year at least, to see what is revealed here, I would definitely put off any marriage plans at least.
Addiction is progressive, if he chooses not to quit, it's not going to get better, it's going to get worse. Are you prepared for many, many years of this? Of course children should really be out of the question as well unless he has been sober for some time. Alcoholics make terrible parents.
I'm sorry to be so negative.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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I spent 25 years married to an alcoholic who was NOT abusive. I was still so lonely I got to point of suicidal ideation.
He had two OUIs, (though thankfully, no accidents or harming anyonw else). Our auto insurance went through the roof.
He lost three jobs in six years. Even though we had paid off the house, his unemployment didn't cover his half of the bills, because his beer and cigarettes came first. He started withdrawing money from his retirement funds which jacked up our tax bill. HE didn't tell me, our tax preparer did.
Your fiance' (who you've only known for a year) sounds like a miserable individual. If a friend told you this was how she was being treated, would it sound like a good, healthy relationship? Please don't fall down the rabbit-hole of "but he has a disease." He's still treating you poorly.
Starting over again at 50-something, especailly as a woman looking for male companionship is hard.
He had two OUIs, (though thankfully, no accidents or harming anyonw else). Our auto insurance went through the roof.
He lost three jobs in six years. Even though we had paid off the house, his unemployment didn't cover his half of the bills, because his beer and cigarettes came first. He started withdrawing money from his retirement funds which jacked up our tax bill. HE didn't tell me, our tax preparer did.
Your fiance' (who you've only known for a year) sounds like a miserable individual. If a friend told you this was how she was being treated, would it sound like a good, healthy relationship? Please don't fall down the rabbit-hole of "but he has a disease." He's still treating you poorly.
Starting over again at 50-something, especailly as a woman looking for male companionship is hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Mid-Atlantic states
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It is always hard for me to read these posts because I was "that guy". Did I deserve for my partner to leave me? Absolutely yes.
Sometimes I still wonder if it is over, because I did so much damage over the years. I think everything will be OK and I try really hard every day. But...I was in a place for that and I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to change. I do not hear this in your partner's actions and words.
Would I have stayed with me? No, I would not have. Be really careful. I don't think the change you need or hope for is going to happen. I just don't. Hugs to you.
Sometimes I still wonder if it is over, because I did so much damage over the years. I think everything will be OK and I try really hard every day. But...I was in a place for that and I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to change. I do not hear this in your partner's actions and words.
Would I have stayed with me? No, I would not have. Be really careful. I don't think the change you need or hope for is going to happen. I just don't. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2023
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Originally Posted by Oglsby
It is always hard for me to read these posts because I was "that guy". Did I deserve for my partner to leave me? Absolutely yes.
Sometimes I still wonder if it is over, because I did so much damage over the years. I think everything will be OK and I try really hard every day. But...I was in a place for that and I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to change. I do not hear this in your partner's actions and words.
Would I have stayed with me? No, I would not have. Be really careful. I don't think the change you need or hope for is going to happen. I just don't. Hugs to you.
Sometimes I still wonder if it is over, because I did so much damage over the years. I think everything will be OK and I try really hard every day. But...I was in a place for that and I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to change. I do not hear this in your partner's actions and words.
Would I have stayed with me? No, I would not have. Be really careful. I don't think the change you need or hope for is going to happen. I just don't. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
When the pain of living with him is worse than the pain of being alone, you'll go. Words and empty promises mean absolutely nothing, only actions. And if the actions are not toward recovery, the addiction monster will grow and grow and devour everyone in it's path, especially you.
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Tonight. Was D-Day for me. It went so south. I can’t even describe the crazy that has occurred. All I know is I have had it. Now comes the question. Do I reach out to the ex wife. Because truly he’s putting this kid in danger at this point. It makes me literally sick to my stomach….. I had to go get this kid when she was left at school over his drunk ********. This sweet little kiddo scared to death. She knows she’s so aware. It’s so sad. One thing I do know. Her mother is strong. She I’ll intervene. She will step in. I do know that. She is well aware. But I think she is stuck
What I do know is thank you for the support the kindness the words of encouragement for me. I have come back often to just read and give me strength. I can not express my gratitude.
What I do know is thank you for the support the kindness the words of encouragement for me. I have come back often to just read and give me strength. I can not express my gratitude.
Last edited by Egggzausted; 10-28-2023 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Originally Posted by BellaBlue
When the pain of living with him is worse than the pain of being alone, you'll go. Words and empty promises mean absolutely nothing, only actions. And if the actions are not toward recovery, the addiction monster will grow and grow and devour everyone in it's path, especially you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by Egggzausted
Tonight. Was D-Day for me. It went so south. I can’t even describe the crazy that has occurred. All I know is I have had it. Now comes the question. Do I reach out to the ex wife. Because truly he’s putting this kid in danger at this point. It makes me literally sick to my stomach….. I had to go get this kid when she was left at school over his drunk ********. This sweet little kiddo scared to death. She knows she’s so aware. It’s so sad. One thing I do know. Her mother is strong. She I’ll intervene. She will step in. I do know that. She is well aware. But I think she is stuck
What I do know is thank you for the support the kindness the words of encouragement for me. I have come back often to just read and give me strength. I can not express my gratitude.
What I do know is thank you for the support the kindness the words of encouragement for me. I have come back often to just read and give me strength. I can not express my gratitude.
Yes, please do tell the Mother, tell her everything that concerns her child.
I do have a question though, if she is aware, why hasn't she stepped in before now?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Eggz, sorry you had to go through that.
Yes, please do tell the Mother, tell her everything that concerns her child.
I do have a question though, if she is aware, why hasn't she stepped in before now?
Yes, please do tell the Mother, tell her everything that concerns her child.
I do have a question though, if she is aware, why hasn't she stepped in before now?
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Originally Posted by Egggzausted
Good question. One I might ask her. I do believe she has said she will not allow her child to be in unsafe situations truth is she just got herself out of it. Not her child. But I’ll tell her she can hopefully do something to help her or him. Not my problem
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Originally Posted by dbyrer
Please, please, please for the sake of this defenseless child, make it your problem to protect him or her. No adult should ever look the other way when a child is in danger.
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Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I was the guy doing a lot of drinking as well, but I wanted the change as much or more than my wife. I didn't make excuses for my actions, I owned them and did everything in my power to get on a path that was not only healthy for myself, but for my family as well. I can't and will not say it was easy, however, I wanted it and I intend to live my life showing through actions and not words. I definitely understand the attachment and bond that you have made with his daughter as I have a blended family as well. It definitely adds another layer to your difficulties in cutting ties, but I think he needs to see how serious this is to you and maybe it's a hard line in the sand moment in whatever way you see fit.
Wish you the best of luck, it isn't an easy situation in any way shape or form. Question is what he is personally willing to do to make that change in his life? We all know where it possibly ends if he doesn't.
Wish you the best of luck, it isn't an easy situation in any way shape or form. Question is what he is personally willing to do to make that change in his life? We all know where it possibly ends if he doesn't.
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Originally Posted by Egggzausted
I can promise you I will not leave her and I have absolutely made it my problem. But I am not going to stay in this situation and will rely on her mom to intervene and make sure she is safe and sound. But I have absolutely taken care of her while I had been there.
I'm really sorry this happened to you though. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Well everyone. I left today. I packed up got out. The last several weeks have been beyond bad. Which you all predicted. I saw. Last night was an all night manic episode that led me to pull the official ripcord. I won’t say it was easy I left behind my sweet little dog we had purchased together. But all I felt was just utter sadness for someone whose life is spiraling out of control whose life starts and ends everyday with vodka and cocaine. I am not sure how he lives too long unless he gets the help he needs. It’s just sad. I’m sad.
I will need support and encouragement I feel almost guilty asking for it. I do have a great therapist. But I got so much strength from all of you. Thank you. Sincere gratitude.
To the new me unfolding. To the person I just blocked from my life I sincerely wish you nothing but the best.
I will need support and encouragement I feel almost guilty asking for it. I do have a great therapist. But I got so much strength from all of you. Thank you. Sincere gratitude.
To the new me unfolding. To the person I just blocked from my life I sincerely wish you nothing but the best.
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