You guys were right, nothing changes
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 19
You guys were right, nothing changes
I read back my previous threads posted here, all about my gf and her alcoholism. Kept giving her chances after her pleading she would be better. Against the advice of people here. Now I'm back in the same spot again, finding out she's been drinking behind my back.
Now she pleads that this is finally it. She is finally going to quit for good this time. She is now 10 days sober, and it's going to be different.
Looking back on my previous posts, I was 33 years old. Now I'm 35 years old, same situation, same excuses.
I am finally done. I don't trust that this new promise of sobriety is going to last. I'd need proof of probably at least 1 year of real sobriety, working a real program, sponser and all.
Otherwise I am going to be looking over my shoulder and in anxiety for the rest of my life. Preventing myself from possibly meeting someone better for me and having the life and relationship I really want.
You guys told me the truth, and I didn't listen.
Now she pleads that this is finally it. She is finally going to quit for good this time. She is now 10 days sober, and it's going to be different.
Looking back on my previous posts, I was 33 years old. Now I'm 35 years old, same situation, same excuses.
I am finally done. I don't trust that this new promise of sobriety is going to last. I'd need proof of probably at least 1 year of real sobriety, working a real program, sponser and all.
Otherwise I am going to be looking over my shoulder and in anxiety for the rest of my life. Preventing myself from possibly meeting someone better for me and having the life and relationship I really want.
You guys told me the truth, and I didn't listen.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Sadly, because I wish recovery was the norm instead of this.
What she is saying is alcoholism 101:
Excuses Alcoholics Make
It will never, ever happen again
"Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical".
What she is saying is alcoholism 101:
Excuses Alcoholics Make
It will never, ever happen again
"Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical".
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,988
Welcome back, rmusic. I do remember you. It takes as long as it takes. Just like the alcoholic won't quit until they are ready, the same is true for the partner. I'm glad to hear that you finally are done. You put several years into this relationship and, as you said, nothing has changed. From everything I've read, she has no intention of quitting. She just says whatever she thinks you need to hear in order to keep the status quo. You deserve better, but you'll never find it if you hold onto this relationship.
I know leaving is hard, and get ready for more promises from her. I doubt she thinks you'll actually go since you've given her so many chances, but, if you are truly done, she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms. Of course, you can handle it however you feel is right, but I've found that going completely no contact is the best way. Block her from all means of communication...email, phone, Facebook, and all others. Good luck to you.
I know leaving is hard, and get ready for more promises from her. I doubt she thinks you'll actually go since you've given her so many chances, but, if you are truly done, she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms. Of course, you can handle it however you feel is right, but I've found that going completely no contact is the best way. Block her from all means of communication...email, phone, Facebook, and all others. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Welcome back, rmusic. I do remember you. It takes as long as it takes. Just like the alcoholic won't quit until they are ready, the same is true for the partner. I'm glad to hear that you finally are done. You put several years into this relationship and, as you said, nothing has changed. From everything I've read, she has no intention of quitting. She just says whatever she thinks you need to hear in order to keep the status quo. You deserve better, but you'll never find it if you hold onto this relationship.
I know leaving is hard, and get ready for more promises from her. I doubt she thinks you'll actually go since you've given her so many chances, but, if you are truly done, she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms. Of course, you can handle it however you feel is right, but I've found that going completely no contact is the best way. Block her from all means of communication...email, phone, Facebook, and all others. Good luck to you.
I know leaving is hard, and get ready for more promises from her. I doubt she thinks you'll actually go since you've given her so many chances, but, if you are truly done, she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms. Of course, you can handle it however you feel is right, but I've found that going completely no contact is the best way. Block her from all means of communication...email, phone, Facebook, and all others. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by rmusic88
What really sucks is that I do feel like I am abandoning her. And what if this time it really is different? What if I leave, she really does put in the work and becomes sober? Then she meets another guy, shes fully sober and they have the life that I wanted? The thought of that scares me.
Hug.
That's not going to be her story, I'd bet anything on that...and there are a whole lot of not-ever-been-alcoholics out there. That's a much better use of your love, time, energy, etc.
She used up her chances, right? That's how I felt when I left. I don't think it would have mattered if he got married the next week. I went no contact - so I wouldn't have known anyway.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,988
Bimini is right. Everyone in your position has had that same concern. But, if you read around the forum, you will see that it almost never happens that way. In fact, I haven't seen one story where it did happen. The addict keeps on drinking, and they just find someone else to cling to so they aren't alone. Why would this time be any different than the several other times she made promises she didn't keep? Are you sure you are truly done?
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by suki44883
Bimini is right. Everyone in your position has had that same concern. But, if you read around the forum, you will see that it almost never happens that way. In fact, I haven't seen one story where it did happen. The addict keeps on drinking, and they just find someone else to cling to so they aren't alone. Why would this time be any different than the several other times she made promises she didn't keep? Are you sure you are truly done?
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
35? -it's time to find someone to be with that you can enjoy your life with - you are not abandoning her, you are doing her a favour.
By leaving your gf she is free to make her own choices without having you to cling to. She must make her own path. You must make yours.
Don't wake up at 40 and regret not doing it. I wish you the very best .
By leaving your gf she is free to make her own choices without having you to cling to. She must make her own path. You must make yours.
Don't wake up at 40 and regret not doing it. I wish you the very best .
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Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 40
Hey,
ive been where you are. Thought exactly the same thing, I could have written it.
i split up with my ex twice - 1st time I left but didn’t really mean it (I wanted to leave to invoke change). He drank loads more and he did get himself on a dating site, 2 weeks after we split, never met up with anyone but still. Fast forward s few more weeks, we’ve not managed to do no contact. He has been to 1 AA meeting, journaling…. Sounds great right.
this 1st time I WAS exactly where you were - thought he was going to get better. Thought someone else was going to ‘steal’ the ‘wonderful’relayionship i had told myself was going to happen.
He reeled me back in, we got back together and the ‘changes’ faded into nonexistent.
We then moved in together, got a dog and we tried to have a relationship. Not once did he even detox, let alone attempt sobriety. He drank less at times, he drank more at times, and became abusive (emotionally) and neglectful.
what made me DONE DONE was him leaving me at the airport (a 3hr drive from home) at midnight, because I asked to drive us home due to home being drunk, when he kindly came to pick me up. He drive back home and left me at the airport. I had to get a £350 taxi home.
Since then a couple more things happened. 1 month after that I spat out the words ‘you need to move out’. We split up 2 months ago, he moved out 1 month ago. We were in no contact for 1 month.
This time around, I understand that recovery for him will be a long road, should he finally decide to so. If he happened to meet someone now, then I would only be worried about how they would be, as he is still in active addiction. I have had to reestablish I contact. As even1 month is not enough.
Do I feel guilty - yes. Do I miss him - yes. Is he in recovery even when he has shown improvements at times, made small attempts to get better - no. Do I worry about him - yes.
Detox then recovery. this could take years! The ex wife contacted me - she relayed that he has been addicted for 20+ years and she too tried everything… and look at him now - a little better at times but still displaying toxic behaviours and still active in addiction.
I can’t tell you what to do, I’m 38yrs old and I actually want to be with a partner that is equal, that can give me what I need in a relationship.
When I miss him, I ask myself - what am I missing - someone who was never present. Walking on eggshells. No motivation, just wants to drinks. Has no money. Emotionally stunted. And yes, I still see the good in him - he can be kind, thoughtful, generous, fun. But I was getting more and more of the first mentioned.
Please, think about what you want. We can’t wait around promises. My ex, says just yesterday - I’m going to meet you in a year and I would have sorted myself out (just not today). All the while he is drinking on the other end of the phone. Lol. Says it all really.
Maybe your gf will finally get better, but she needs to be committing. And this time maybe you can’t be there to wait around. She may meet someone new… but I can guarantee if it’s in the next year of her working a program, then it’s not her in recovery and things will not have changed to be this new, magical person you think she is going to be.
ive been where you are. Thought exactly the same thing, I could have written it.
i split up with my ex twice - 1st time I left but didn’t really mean it (I wanted to leave to invoke change). He drank loads more and he did get himself on a dating site, 2 weeks after we split, never met up with anyone but still. Fast forward s few more weeks, we’ve not managed to do no contact. He has been to 1 AA meeting, journaling…. Sounds great right.
this 1st time I WAS exactly where you were - thought he was going to get better. Thought someone else was going to ‘steal’ the ‘wonderful’relayionship i had told myself was going to happen.
He reeled me back in, we got back together and the ‘changes’ faded into nonexistent.
We then moved in together, got a dog and we tried to have a relationship. Not once did he even detox, let alone attempt sobriety. He drank less at times, he drank more at times, and became abusive (emotionally) and neglectful.
what made me DONE DONE was him leaving me at the airport (a 3hr drive from home) at midnight, because I asked to drive us home due to home being drunk, when he kindly came to pick me up. He drive back home and left me at the airport. I had to get a £350 taxi home.
Since then a couple more things happened. 1 month after that I spat out the words ‘you need to move out’. We split up 2 months ago, he moved out 1 month ago. We were in no contact for 1 month.
This time around, I understand that recovery for him will be a long road, should he finally decide to so. If he happened to meet someone now, then I would only be worried about how they would be, as he is still in active addiction. I have had to reestablish I contact. As even1 month is not enough.
Do I feel guilty - yes. Do I miss him - yes. Is he in recovery even when he has shown improvements at times, made small attempts to get better - no. Do I worry about him - yes.
Detox then recovery. this could take years! The ex wife contacted me - she relayed that he has been addicted for 20+ years and she too tried everything… and look at him now - a little better at times but still displaying toxic behaviours and still active in addiction.
I can’t tell you what to do, I’m 38yrs old and I actually want to be with a partner that is equal, that can give me what I need in a relationship.
When I miss him, I ask myself - what am I missing - someone who was never present. Walking on eggshells. No motivation, just wants to drinks. Has no money. Emotionally stunted. And yes, I still see the good in him - he can be kind, thoughtful, generous, fun. But I was getting more and more of the first mentioned.
Please, think about what you want. We can’t wait around promises. My ex, says just yesterday - I’m going to meet you in a year and I would have sorted myself out (just not today). All the while he is drinking on the other end of the phone. Lol. Says it all really.
Maybe your gf will finally get better, but she needs to be committing. And this time maybe you can’t be there to wait around. She may meet someone new… but I can guarantee if it’s in the next year of her working a program, then it’s not her in recovery and things will not have changed to be this new, magical person you think she is going to be.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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There's nothing wrong in saying to yourself,"I put in the time to give it my best effort."
You never knew her sober. What if, sober, she didn't have the same dreams and goals as you? Maybe she just agrees with her current partner to just maintain the status quo? A person doesn't even have to be an addict to fall into that trap, just not thinking too far into the future, or lacking a sense of self.
You never knew her sober. What if, sober, she didn't have the same dreams and goals as you? Maybe she just agrees with her current partner to just maintain the status quo? A person doesn't even have to be an addict to fall into that trap, just not thinking too far into the future, or lacking a sense of self.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Music
Your girlfriend is going to do what she is going to do.
Have you tried AlAnon? I can't recommend this program enough. I go to an online meeting every week and have a sponsor who lives cross country. I stay in that program even though I don't have any alcoholics in my life currently. I do it for me.
As we always read at the beginning of our meetings:
"We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
Your girlfriend is going to do what she is going to do.
Have you tried AlAnon? I can't recommend this program enough. I go to an online meeting every week and have a sponsor who lives cross country. I stay in that program even though I don't have any alcoholics in my life currently. I do it for me.
As we always read at the beginning of our meetings:
"We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 5
It sounds like she is breaking your heart constantly. Empty promises. Her words must mean nothing.
This is really helpful to see, as I have only been with my girlfriend for 8 months. Maybe it is time to depart before I get too invested.
This is really helpful to see, as I have only been with my girlfriend for 8 months. Maybe it is time to depart before I get too invested.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
rmusic, I did the same. I didn't want to "start over at 50", so I messed around and dabbled in my own recovery instead of going in wholeheartedly. Know what that got me? The opportunity to start over at 55 instead! But I'm now 63 and quite possibly healthier and happier than ever before in my life. Do I wish I hadn't wasted those years? Absolutely. But the important thing is the progress I've made since then.
Yes, I want to echo all those saying that you're on a VERY familiar path. I wish you strength and clarity going forward.
Yes, I want to echo all those saying that you're on a VERY familiar path. I wish you strength and clarity going forward.
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 23
Nothing changes
I’m new here. Been here before after my SO first rehab I believe. Terrified and confused and living in utter chaos. Fast forward another 2 rehabs, sober living and a few separations during the past 6 years. Or more. The truth is so much chaos happens that it’s hard to recall when what happened, and what came first. I felt like many that this time would be different. Promises, much love bombing, devalue and throw aways. What changed finally was that I began attending Al anon, therapy, and did 12 steps in recovery about 3 years ago. Oh the cheating. Can’t forget about that. 3 years ago I hit this rock bottom sort of place that brought me to my knees. I grieved, mourned and on my knees with my HP pleaded for my life. I started to get better although it took about 11 months to rid myself of turmoil I felt inside. Then my SO was really done and got sober. With hesitation I allowed him to come home after 5 months in sober living. I was hesitant as there were still so many red flags. But with the promises of him still attending group and the usual other things he promised, I had hoped this time was different.
Guess what? Nope. No meetings, nothing came to pass. I saw this early, but remained hopeful. The change has to be made on their end not mine. Our divorce will be final next month. After nearly 14 years of what was close to what I imagine hell is, I can clearly see. The lies, manipulation, mental and emotional abuse and of course I made him do all those things. Oh and the projection, everything he did I was accused of doing. I still get sad sometimes because really I wanted so much to believe he was really the person he said he was. He isn’t.
I was advised many times by well meaning experienced people to leave, but I held on. I loved him. What I received instead was a lot of trauma, and the truth is he told me who he was over and over with his actions. I believe i was experiencing cognitive dissonance. But it was not sustainable. At some point, every fiber of your being begins to scream loudly that this cannot go on. My experience like many, is that we get into this circular place until you no longer know which way to go. So you stand still.
I’ve read many times of others advising to run like hell is chasing you. I didn’t believe that. I believed that love and patience would stand in the gap. I was wrong. I was wrong about many things. I say run as if your life depends on it, because it does. It’s a hard, long, lonely, frustrating, chaotic, horrific path to the near destruction of your own life. They are living in their own hell and I believe they will take you with them if you don’t jump off that crazy train. Which by the way is on fire and the devil himself is driving.
That is my experience.
Guess what? Nope. No meetings, nothing came to pass. I saw this early, but remained hopeful. The change has to be made on their end not mine. Our divorce will be final next month. After nearly 14 years of what was close to what I imagine hell is, I can clearly see. The lies, manipulation, mental and emotional abuse and of course I made him do all those things. Oh and the projection, everything he did I was accused of doing. I still get sad sometimes because really I wanted so much to believe he was really the person he said he was. He isn’t.
I was advised many times by well meaning experienced people to leave, but I held on. I loved him. What I received instead was a lot of trauma, and the truth is he told me who he was over and over with his actions. I believe i was experiencing cognitive dissonance. But it was not sustainable. At some point, every fiber of your being begins to scream loudly that this cannot go on. My experience like many, is that we get into this circular place until you no longer know which way to go. So you stand still.
I’ve read many times of others advising to run like hell is chasing you. I didn’t believe that. I believed that love and patience would stand in the gap. I was wrong. I was wrong about many things. I say run as if your life depends on it, because it does. It’s a hard, long, lonely, frustrating, chaotic, horrific path to the near destruction of your own life. They are living in their own hell and I believe they will take you with them if you don’t jump off that crazy train. Which by the way is on fire and the devil himself is driving.
That is my experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,055
Ashm thé is a great post. Thanks.
I would argue that love does make difference and jumping off the burning crazy train and running like hell is a type of true love. We most help/love our qualifiers when we get out of dodge and let them figure it out (or not)
I would argue that love does make difference and jumping off the burning crazy train and running like hell is a type of true love. We most help/love our qualifiers when we get out of dodge and let them figure it out (or not)
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Ashm thé is a great post. Thanks.
I would argue that love does make difference and jumping off the burning crazy train and running like hell is a type of true love. We most help/love our qualifiers when we get out of dodge and let them figure it out (or not)
I would argue that love does make difference and jumping off the burning crazy train and running like hell is a type of true love. We most help/love our qualifiers when we get out of dodge and let them figure it out (or not)
Thank you for clarifying my words, you are correct it is love that does that! Everything else just enables and truthfully does not help at all. Thank you!
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by rmusic88
What really sucks is that I do feel like I am abandoning her. And what if this time it really is different? What if I leave, she really does put in the work and becomes sober? Then she meets another guy, shes fully sober and they have the life that I wanted? The thought of that scares me.
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