ER1616

I lost my boyfriend at the end of July. He struggled a lot with his mental health and also alcohol abuse.

Over the course of our relationship he was very emotionally abusive and seldom physically, primarily when he was in active addiction. He had some serious mental health issues which I often found myself at the brunt end of. I was always being blamed for everything despite being the one keeping the household and finances together. I had tried to leave a few times because I was worried for my mental and physical well-being. When I tried to leave it was met with intense suicidal threats and extreme binge drinking.

We talked a few times about him potentially having BPD but it was never diagnosed so I can’t say for certain that’s what it was. I’ve done some reading on it and a lot of his behaviors and reactions match up but I will never truly know.

I feel guilty because I’ve reacted emotionally to these abusive situations but I have been pushed to my limits so many times and am expected to brush it off like it’s nothing. His expectations of me were insane while he got to get away with doing so little. So many lies and so much anger when I tried to be an understanding partner. My heart hurts for him because he probably never got the help that he actually truly needed but I am also so angry that I was treated the way I was especially during his bad bouts of drinking. When he was sober he really was so kind and one of my best friends. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more or if I perpetuated his behavior. Regardless, I hope he’s no longer suffering.

venuscat

I am so sorry that your boyfriend was unable to get the help he needed. s
And I am sorry for the guilt you are feeling—but you did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe, which is SO important.

I hope he is indeed no longer in pain, and may he rest in peace. s ❤️❤️

Anna

I'm very sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. I truly wish he could have gotten the help he needed to recover.

Please take care of yourself and don't allow the guilt to weigh you down.

trailmix

hi ER1616, so sorry he has passed away.

Maybe challenging your guilt will help a bit. Do you think your reactions were way out in left field? Do you think you should have squashed your feelings down to make sure he felt better about everything?

Honestly, you stayed in a very, very challenging situation and we can't always trust that we will be on our best and kindest behaviour in those circumstances. You coped somehow, you got through it, I hope you never have to do that again.

Now is a good time to reflect on yourself and what you want. Maybe work on boundaries for yourself so you never get in to another relationship (romantic or otherwise) where you are abused and always on the back foot?

LucyIntheGarden

I understand your shock and grief, and am very sorry for your loss. We have soul connections to some people in our lives, even those who are mentally ill and addicted. It is always wrenching to lose them. You were not in any way a contributor to his destruction. Nor did you have the power to make him well. If you can see a therapist ongoing over the next year, it would help you very much, It's a heavy load to carry alone. And the load you carried while he was alive could have broken you. You still have your life. Try to live it well.

spiderqueen

Well said Lucy!

ER1616 - I am so very sorry and I also understand your pain. I got the dreaded news that my ex had died from his alcoholism 5 years after I finally let him go. It was a terrible shock but not a surprise.

I also recommend professional support for your grief and for processing everything you went through while you were together. I'm sure there's a lot to unpack there. You owe it to yourself going forward in your life. Take good care!

PhoenixJ

no words, prayers

Eauchiche

Dear ER1616
May your boyfriend rest in peace. Sometimes God has to deal with people in the afterlife instead of this life.
Even though he didn't recover and find healing here, you can.

Bookbuff

ER, my ex partner also took his life, we were together 13 years and I held him together and it broke me, we were estranged when he passed and I had seen him walking while I was driving shortly before he died, he looked sick and old. I knew I was protecting myself and my children staying away, I was a mere shell of myself in the relationship.
He passed nearly two years ago and recently I got the courage to visit the cemetery, I said all I had bottled up and yes there were tears but I have to let him go, he is on a new journey and I have mine.
I believe also my ex was suffering from a mental disorder along with being a narcissist.
I wish you peace, there is nothing you could have done ER. I have realised this myself, grief mixed with so many other feelings takes a while to untangle in your mind. You need to work at it. Also, check you stay away from similar persons. I know I seem to attract them much to my dismay.
I empathize greatly your pain. B x