madzisnotokay

So, my ex and I were together for about eight months. I’m 22 and he’s 25. It was my first real relationship I had ever had I would say. He was the first guy I gave my virginity to, the first guy to actually love me for me, the first person I feel like actually gave a **** about me. Well, before we started dating, he did mention he had a small alcohol problem but he had it figured out. I was very naive. I would say it was a very healthy relationship. We were madly in love with each other. But we would bicker about things that he would do that would **** me off and it would make me cry. Like he made me cry on my birthday because all he wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Or he was late to EVERYTHING (even work because we’re actually coworkers) and I would voice to him how much that annoys me. Well, about a month ago he seemed distant and we got in a little fight. Turns out, he tells me that his alcohol problem never stopped and I felt heartbroken. I even offered him alcohol once in awhile if we had a date night. I felt sick because he lied to me through out our whole relationship. I almost threw up from crying so much, that’s how hurt I was. I understand that it’s hard to admit but I was more hurt that he wasn’t truthful with me. After that, we went on a “break” before officially breaking up in person five days later. He said he didn’t want to give me false hope. That he loved me so much, and he cares about me so much. He said he hasn’t been doing good for a very long time (two years) and he wants to get better. He said he loved me more than he loved himself. He said he has no desire to date anyone right now, that he needs to be a better verison of himself physically and mentally. We cried and held each other for two hours in my car after work. He told me in the future if we’re both single and healing then he’d like to give us another shot. The thing that sucks though, is I can’t go no contact with him really. We both still want to be good friends and in each others lives. We still text about once a day, not about that stuff but just to know we’re both there for each other during this rough time. Also doesn’t help that we’re coworkers and we see each other a lot. We have talked about space and I think we’ve been doing okay with it. The pain is still there but I’m doing better than I was a month ago. It still really ******* hurts. I don’t know what to do or how to go on, how to move on when I don’t want to. I know he’s my first “real” boyfriend that was long term but I feel like our story isn’t done yet. It just really hurts and I need advice.

trailmix

I'm sorry madz, this is a really hurtful situation to be in.

Couple of things first, you will be ok, you really will. Sometimes it may not seem like it, like you are going to be sad, while not forever, for a long time. That's not necessarily true and there are things you can do to help yourself feel a little better in the meantime.

The one thing you can't really rush is that this is going to take time. Every day will get a tiny bit better, as impossible as that sounds right now.

He is right though, he is in no position to be in a relationship. Maybe one where there is no future, but that's not how you two were proceeding. Alcoholics do not make good partners, I'm glad he still has enough clarity about his addiction to know this and not string you along. As you read around the forum, you will see that's not always the case.

Alcoholism is progressive. How he drinks now (if he continues) is not how he will be 6 months from now or a year from now. Always keep that in mind.

What he knows, which you didn't is that this is his normal. Alcohol and the result (hang over, withdrawals) then everything else. Everything is secondary (yes even you and even him). That is the nature of addiction.

Don't expect him to quit anytime soon. He hasn't actually done anything yet. Actions, not words.

Acceptance, that is the only way to move on. He cannot be in a relationship, he is telling the truth. Once you accept that, you will actually start to feel better. Remember, this isn't about you, it's about his relationship with alcohol, it's not personal, it's addiction.

Focus back on yourself, what you want. Eat well, sleep when you can, do things you like to do with people you like.

madzisnotokay

Thank you for the advice. I did check up on him about a few days ago while we were leaving work and he told me that he’s been drinking less. He said it’s hard going cold Turkey on it which i get. He stopped buying fifths and he stopped drinking before work, and before going out. However, he still drinks the shooters on the weekends though. I know it’s a long road for him. I know I don’t deserve to wait around. But I always told myself that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But right now, it’s not meant to be. It’s just kinda hard to accept that. But I will eventually.

velma929

He has a problem with alcohol - and he's not even thinking about quitting.

Please read around the forum and discover how crazy-making that is. It IS a long road, but he's not on it. He (and you?) still think that somehow, he can learn how to drink 'like a normal person.' That doesn't happen. For an alcoholic, one drink is too many and one hundred aren't enough.

Good luck with the road YOU are on - working to keep yourself sane and healthy.

trailmix

Yes, he's not done, not even close. He has stopped buying fifths - for now - he has stopped drinking before work - for now.

Every alcoholic would like to achieve moderation, it can't be done. Think of it like going from being a cucumber to a pickle - he can't go back to being a cucumber. Once the line is crossed in to addiction, that's it.

Addiction can be put in to remission by being sober, but only remission, he can't ever drink again if he decides he really wants to stop.

The other thing is, you don't actually know him as a sober person. An alcoholic might not drink for a day or two, or a week, but that's not the same as being really sober. Alcohol changes the brain, it takes time - at least months if not longer, for that to heal. Putting the drink down is just the first step. Then there is (or should be) an attempt at recovery - which will be ongoing for life. Living life on life's terms, being honest and figuring out how you got to where you are in the first place. That can take a lot of work and a great deal of time.

The first several months of that healing and learning can be incredibly tough.

So even if he quit drinking tomorrow (he won't), that's just the beginning.

madzisnotokay

Thank you both for the advice. Of course, it’s not my battle to fight at all. I do know he told me that he feels like he doesn’t need it every day and it lessens. But he could just be saying that. The thing that stinks as well is I never saw the signs. Like on my birthday, we spent the whole day hanging out. We went to a museum and then we went to a nice meal, and then afterwords he just wanted to lay down because his “stomach” hurt. Looking back in it, I realized some signs that he was dealing with that. But he told me he never gets like “black out drunk.” I do know he would only drink a fifth between three days (whenever he did want to drink, because he didn’t drink everyday. But it would be like three or four times a week) He just does it to numb the craziness in his life because he works two jobs when he can get a job that does pay very well. I really don’t want to try and make excuses for him, I just know he’s trying. All of this sucks because I just recently had an uncle die from complications alcoholism that were way more severe than his situation. When he told me when we got in a fight, he knew that uncle had died from complications to alcoholism and he told me ever since then, he’s been wanting to tell me about it because I deserved to know. I just know how hardworking and good hearted he is. He has never done ANYTHING intentionally to hurt me, that’s the ****** thing. He just really needs to get his **** together and I’ve realized it’s alcohol that’s been making him do these ****** things. It’s going to be a long time before I even move on from him if I’m going to be honest. I know that I shouldn’t be with an alcoholic for the rest of my life. I’m still young and there’s still people who will treat me just as well. But, I do believe in second chances and I do believe in recovery. I am hoping he does beat this, no matter how long it takes. And either way, if we work out in the future when he’s sober (if we both single) then we’ll see. But, I think we’ll always be in each others lives just because of how deeply we touched each other.

Starsandstones

Hi Madz, I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I am 49, divorced and just had to move my alcoholic boyfriend of two years who I love very much out of my home. While he's not my first relationship, he was my best relationship other than the drinking problem. When we met, we drank together and it wasn't until quite a while into our relationship he divulged that he had been to rehab and didn't drink for 12 years until he started dating after his divorce. I was also a bit naive about his alcohol use, because he seemed like he was managing okay... until he wasn't. This year he even went to detox, inpatient rehab and outpatient treatment in May and June and still relapsed and continued drinking. Alcoholics are really smart and clever and they lie a lot even to the people they love most in the world. I couldn't deal with the lying and secret drinking, the laying on the couch and sleeping all day, missing work, not helping around the house, peeing all over the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, etc. anymore. Mine says he wants to quit for good now, we'll see if he manages to do so. It will be a long road of treatment, recovery, stabilization and a lot of actions I would need to see from him before I'd ever consider being with him again and then I'd have to accept the risk that he'd relapse again one day and this would start all over. For now, he's living 9 hours away from me so at least I have space to heal as does he if he embraces it. The old saying goes, "Time heals all wounds". I don't believe that is true but it certainly lessens the pain to a point you can reflect without melting into a puddle of tears. Wishing you all of the best.

madzisnotokay

Hi Stars. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. This truly is the worst heart break I’ve ever went through. I wish it was easy though, just not seeing him and not talking to him. I wish he would move nine hours away, even though it would hurt. However, we work together and we still want to be in each others lives. I know how it feels when someone gives up on you when everything is changing in your life, so it would feel wrong if I just gave up on him as a person completely. You’re very strong, and I know that I’m only 22. But I applaud you for your strength. I hate that they lie, and I remember telling him I wasn’t mad at him for dealing with this because it sucks. I was mad that he lied to me. But he lied to his mom, his best friend that lives with him, his brother and even me. I’ve been through a healing situation like this when I was eighteen. Even though my ex wasn’t dealing with an alcohol problem, he still hurt me pretty bad so I know I’ll be okay. But this was like my first TRUE heartbreak. It just stinks.

Starsandstones

I know, it does STINK. When he relapsed again a few weeks ago, I found empty cans in his car and I was just broken down by that point. I told him I was done and he followed me around all day asking what he could do, and how he couldn't control it and I said the same thing as you. I'm not upset that you relapsed, I understand the addiction and the process. The point is, you lie to me constantly and I can't trust you at all now. I don't believe anything you tell me. It sucks. And I am impressed with your strength! I don't know how I would have handled this when I was 22. It is the hardest thing I've been through in a relationship. But all we can do is keep moving forward and focus on ourselves and our goals. What is meant to be will be.

madzisnotokay

I’m trying the best I can! Trust me, it’s been a rollercoaster. I recently went back to therapy, I got a second job and I went back to school to finish up my associate degree. My main thing right now is focusing on myself and not spending most of my time worrying about him, because he’s on his own healing journey. It just sucks because I just wish he was here with me during it. But I know it’s just not possible. I realized if we didn’t break up, it would’ve gotten worse. It would’ve been an awful breakup. I’m thankful that we both made that mutual choice to separate so he can work on his issue and I can focus on me. And you’re right. What is meant to be, will be. Thank you for your kind words. We will get through this!

trailmix

Well, I hope he's successful but truthfully, dabbling in sobriety never works. He may want to want to quit, but he's not quitting, he's drinking. Just keep in mind he is either drinking or he's not, there is nothing inbetween for an alcoholic.

Addicts love their drug of choice more than anything, he loves alcohol more than he loves you. It's a relationship with alcohol. You were secondary (everything and everyone is).

He does it because he is an alcoholic and he has no tools (perhaps from drinking things away for so long) for coping with life. If you are stressed you take a walk, talk to your friend, have a quiet night at home or meditate, you don't drink yourself in to a stupor? This is one of the things I mean when I'm talking about recovery. Once someone quits drinking they need to learn these things to cope with life on life's terms. That's a big deal.

But he has? He lied to you through your whole relationship, then he broke up with you because of that lie. That's a pretty big betrayal and a pretty big hurt. He probably knew if he told you the truth from the start that you would second guess dating him at all, so he didn't. He basically took away your power to make your own decisions about your own life, by keeping this from you.

​​​​​​​There can also be a lot of shame involved in addiction, but he still doesn't get a pass for not telling you something so important.

I don't think you need to "give up" on him, maybe you stay friends, maybe you just don't need a front seat to all of this. You can love him from a distance. None of this is "wrong" or "bad" as long as you aren't getting more hurt by it, you know?

madzisnotokay

Yeah! I understand. He really did like me first as well. I had no interest in him because relationships scared me and also he wasn’t my type. But the first time we worked together, we hit it off and it was easy for me to talk to him. Then those romantic feelings came in. I think he would really have to prove to me he has changed from his alcohol problem because right now I don’t trust him 100%. I forgive him. But there’s still so much hurt and betrayal. I guess you’re right. I think him keeping that from me was the biggest betrayal of them all. Like I told star, I wasn’t mad that he was dealing with it because it’s a disease. I told him I was upset that he didn’t tell me. But he also didn’t tell any other important people. That’s what stinks.

suki44883

Whether or not addiction is a "disease" is debatable. But, even if one believes it is, it is a disease that can be put into permanent remission by the addict. Some addicts hide behind the "disease" concept in order to continue the status quo. The addict is not helpless against addiction, and it takes hard work and determination, along with the proper support, but addiction can be overcome. It all depends on how badly the addict wants it.

trailmix

This can kind of make you feel better because it's not just you, he lied to everyone. I totally understand that because it helps with the feelings of betrayal and knowing it wasn't just you.

This is the only lie you know about. There are probably many. You can't really believe him about his drinking.

Just remember, this isn't personal, it can feel personal for sure, but it's not about you.

And that's when the relationship ended. You are either friendly to the addiction or you can quickly end up in the enemy of the addiction camp.

Anyway, I know you are looking out for yourself and that's really good. You are doing the next right thing for yourself and that's not easy when you have been so hurt. I hope you are finding time to do nice things for yourself as well.

madzisnotokay

Thank you so much. I feel like it does get easier every single day. Definitely not talking to him constantly helps, and not seeing him helps. We do talk a little bit each day but I always tend to leave space for myself since I am still grieving. I’ve been picking up old hobbies like writing and making bracelets. I’ve been picking up new hobbies as well such as journaling and even wanting to be active (I try to work out or go on a walk if I have time) to keep myself distracted. I’ve also kept a video journal to note my progress on how I’m doing and how I really need to be there for myself right now. I’ve also started taking my anxiety medication again and I’ve been almost one month on it and I feel so much better. It just stinks because Im still grieving and I’ll probably grieve for a while.

edoering

I wanted to highlight something I think is really helpful—lying is PART of the addiction disease. It’s one of the most common and primary symptoms. Addiction is more like a chronic illness than a cold or flu that you can get over, and it’s also like a mental disorder that impacts all aspects of their personality. From your story, his lying isn’t separate of the addiction, it’s part of it. Betrayal is also a common side effect on the family unit of addiction.

Trailmix actually shared this link with me when I first joined this board and I honestly keep it open on a tab on my phone because it’s so helpful: Addiction, Lies, and Relationships

My brain and body come with some incredible gifts, but also with some risks. With my creative and active mind comes neurodivergence (ADHD tendencies and BAP—broader autism phenotype). I love who I am, but I have to be proactive in finding the healthiest expression of certain these parts of myself. They aren’t parts of me I can carve out and “overcome.” Even my asthma has some health benefits (there are evolutionary theories on asthmatics having greater parasite resistance) but also means I have to be careful with my lungs for my entire life and can’t expose myself to certain irritants the way others can. They are inseparable from what makes me “me.” But I can consistently work at making sure I embody these traits at their best version, and not their worst. Addiction (in my experience) is like my asthma and my neurodivergence. It’s interrelated with other traits that make my loved ones who they are, and it’s inseparable from who they are. But those traits don’t mean they HAVE to be actively in addiction, it just means they have to always be proactively combatting the dangers.

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that addiction is INSEPARABLE from the person I love. The worst version of addiction is not inevitable nor guaranteed, that’s what recovery helps with, is to make sure the worst of addiction is avoided, and further damage to body and brain (and spirit) is halted. But some of the same things that I loved in my person also contributed to his addiction. He was in recovery for 7 years, and was a beautiful version of himself. Then he wasn’t. After that, I have no idea as we have parted ways.

But I warn against separating in your head the person from the addiction, as they are intertwined. And yes, addiction is progressive, so the more damage it does to body and brain, the more they become a different version of the person they were before (the cucumber-pickle metaphor) and might never go back. Addiction is not just about using or drinking, it’s (in my experience) about so much more. Hugs.

spiderqueen

Madz,
I think it's awesome that you are trying to re-direct all the love and attention you have paid to your alcoholic ex back to yourself - your hobbies, your health, your friends - whatever brings you joy and makes you feel free and happy in your life.

I'm sorry to say that an alcoholic partner is a burden and a liability, and you deserve so much more. You deserve someone who can fully participate in a relationship with you, not someone who is always cheating on you with alcohol.

It's scary to "cut the cord" completely (go No Contact) but I do highly recommend this - it definitely facilitates the healing process and will help you move on.

SQ

madzisnotokay

Thank you. It’s really hard going no contact. I have thought about to, multiple times. I know that it does help. However, we do work together and we did have a very mutual breakup and we still love and care about each other. I know how it feels when you give up on someone completely during a tough time. I definitely have been keeping my space, to protect my own peace. But some days are just harder than others. I think the pain will numb soon.

edoering

Just wanted to share that going no-contact is not giving up on someone 😊

Honestly, I still love my ex. I am really good at unconditional love and holding love/empathy in my heart. However, unconditional love is not unconditional access to me. It does not mean I permit poor treatment of me.

You can wish the best for someone, hope for them, care for them, even love them, and not have any contact with them while they are behaving in a way that is detrimental to your physical, emotional, or mental health.

And to be honest, there is a very fine line between being there for someone and enabling. I have to remind myself everyday “it is not my job to shield someone from their own consequences—good or bad. In fact, it is their right as a living being to make their own choices and learn from their own results. Just like it’s mine. Who am I to rob them of the experiences that they can learn from?” Plus, I can’t know what’s best for someone else, that’s a bit too close to playing God (at least when I do it, haha!)

But also, no-contact, like all boundaries, are for you. Regardless of what I, or anyone else, say, it’s what’s right for you. ☺️

trailmix

One other thing. Alcoholics, well many, don't like being "alone". Generally (and this is a generalization but not uncommon) they can hop from relationship to relationship. Your ex may not have gone that far down that road yet, but who knows where he really is in his addiction since he lies about it.

Don't be surprised if he ends up with someone else.

I know this is hurtful to hear, but you cannot trust him. He was in a semi-stable relationship with you when he (probably) realized, he can't be in any kind of normal - stable - relationship. He doesn't have the capacity for that, certainly not while his first true love is alcohol.

That won't stop him from finding someone else who is "friendlier" to the addiction or someone who he can be with where there is no real future in it and therefore no threat to his addiction.

So why do I even bring up such a hurtful thing? Well, by keeping in contact with him, when you still have strong feelings for him, you are leaving yourself wide open to him hurting you badly again. That's never a safe position to be in. It is perhaps wise to only be vulnerable with people we trust to protect our feelings. Again, he lied to you (big lie!) you can't trust him.