Marie58

Hello - I need advice. My now ex boyfriend has been in a recovery house for 9 mos now and I just exposed him that he is seeing someone in the facility. We have been together for six years and five of those six years he was actively using and I was the codependent girlfriend. I’m still in debt because of him as he used all his money for drugs and then took mine. He has a hefty criminal past and many times I felt very unsafe around him. He even got me in trouble by using my car to steal stuff for money at a store - having the sheriff show up at my house and if I’d been there I would have been arrested I still stayed by his side begging him to go to recovery and he finally went 9 mos ago basically because he didn’t have anywhere to stay. I was hoping he would get clean this time and maybe see what a peaceful normal life could be and we could have a chance. He told me he wanted a break but still loved me and we didn’t talk for a week and that’s when I discovered he was seeing someone in rehab. I confronted him and he was all too proud to tell me he was seeing her and that he didn’t cheat because we weren’t speaking. I had a ton of questions but he just shut me out and won’t talk. I feel so used, abused, betrayed and discarded. I believe I never knew him sober, and after 9 mos of recovery and no drugs what lies beneath is a narcissistic sociopath. He is homeless, no money and not in the best health with a criminal past and now seeing this woman in rehab who is 20 years younger and homeless with a criminal past. I asked him to come clean and tell me everything because there is no chance we will ever be together again but he wouldn’t even give me that. I have tried calling him a few times and he won’t talk.

trailmix

hi Marie. Well, that's quite a mess he created.

I'm sure you have heard this from friends and family - but you are so very much better off without him in your life.

As you said, you hoped he would get in to recovery and maybe you two would have a chance at a somewhat "normal" life together. Well, that's not to be. There is nothing to say he is even clean now, his behaviour is secretive and erratic, he really hasn't changed.

There is getting "sober" (if he actually is) and there is recovery, where the person works on their issues and what landed them in addiction etc in the first place. So even if he is clean, he's certainly not making improvements on himself.

It's really important to always accept people as they are, not as we would hope they would be. You can't change people - they have to want to change.

He's abused you, put you in harms way, now betrayed you, he is no "catch".

There is a book very often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I would really encourage you to get it. It talks a lot about boundaries in all relationships and you might find it really helpful moving forward.

My advice, leave him. He's off on whatever next thing he is up to and do you really want to be part of that rollercoaster ride again?

Marie58

I am so thankful I found this forum as I really don’t have anyone to talk to - I feel like I still want answers but I know it won’t matter as I cannot ever have this person in my life again. I would never want any of my family to be treated this way so why do I still feel so worthless for being discarded like an old pair of shoes.

trailmix

Really - and I know this can maybe take some time to sink in - it doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm sure your self worth and self esteem has taken a beating, being around him all these years.

This is as good as he gets, before and right now. He stole things and used your car - this could have resulted in you going to jail. He has a big criminal past, he took your money for drugs and he is a drug user. He has lied to you and betrayed you.

Any answers he would or could give you would be pretty empty. This guy is obviously not "ok".

To an addict what is most important (more important than you, than his family, than friends or work) is their drug of choice. Every day. The drive to use trumps everything else. He may well have loved you, but it would have been to the best of HIS ability - and again, this is him. Your idea of love and loyalty etc etc may be hugely different than what he is capable of.

You weren't discarded, please don't ever think that, he is just not relationship material (and really, has he ever been?).

Marie58

Trailmix, Thank you for your insight - it has really helped. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on why I am still feeling bad about all this still knowing it’s not my fault. It almost seemed like when he was using he was able to empathize and the snippet I saw of this is gone now that he is clean for the 9 mos. It seemed as though he had more respect for me when he was using but that could be because he needed me for financial support which makes me sick to admit. I think this is what is most perplexing to me as being the person I am and all I’ve done for him I expected him to at least give me the dignity of an explanation as I was also his friend throughout everything. As you said he really hasn’t changed and is erratic in his behavior. After being in my life everyday for six years he hasn’t even called and I don’t think I will hear from him so I pretty much don’t have to worry about that as he is too arrogant to do that. Nonetheless, it still cut deep to know he threw away a friendship and someone who would have supported him unconditionally for a woman 20 years younger (he is 55) who is very troubled. As you said an answers he would give would be empty but it’s just mind boggling how he can never speak to me again just like that.

trailmix

You know, from your description above, he sounds like a pretty horrible person. So the fact that he has now done this other horrible thing (taking off with no contact), isn't all that surprising.

While he was using, he showed you perhaps a glimpse of a softer side. He was a "victim" perhaps?. Helpless and needing help, unable to rely on himself whatsoever. Addicts are also incredibly self centered, as I am sure you have witnessed over the years. Mental illness/addiction pretty much requires that. If you are dealing with so much, how can you possibly find the mental capacity to deal with others. I'm sure 99% of the giving was done by you.

Well I guess he doesn't feel he is a victim anymore.

He may circle back around. This person he is with may not be all that reliable and he certainly isn't and he might find himself in some tough circumstances. I hope you will steel yourself against that. Protect yourself, he has nothing to give you except more drama and hurt.

trailmix

You might find this thread over in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ge-over-2.html (Is My Marriage Over?)

edoering

Being kind to others and being a loyal friend does not mean they will be loyal back. Which ultimately I think is a good thing, because I don’t want anyone to be kind to me because they feel obligated to, or indebted to me, you know? I want my loved ones to be kind because that’s how they want to be. Just like I’m kind because that’s the type of person I want to be!

Unfortunately, as his behavior shows, he is not capable of being kind to you and showing you respect in his actions. And you deserve people who are capable.

Marie58

I actually spoke to him this week and after six years of supporting him through this horrible addiction- he treated me like a stranger telling me he is happy in his new recovery romance, which was obviously going on while he was gaslighting me telling me I didn’t trust him and he was there to work on recovery. He even went as far as to say he may be moving in with this person. I felt sick hearing that. I am so humiliated and feel so used and abused. I doubt I will ever hear from him again

edoering

As soon as you’re the enemy of the addiction (ie an obstacle in the way of drinking or using), the addict will find a way to push you out of their life!

Just know this other woman is not getting some magical-wonderful version of your ex. She is getting the messed up person who is still avoiding his recovery by looking to change superficial things (his home, his relationship, etc) rather than change himself. All she’s got on her hands is a ticking time bomb. And, luckily, you no longer have that!

Lying, denial, avoidance—these are all common side effects of addiction. Be careful, it’s not uncommon for addicts to pop back into your life when you least expect and their temporary “solutions” no longer work. Sometimes they want to see if you’ll enable again. So I would just focus on yourself! On finding things that make you happy, even little things, and start refocusing your life on yourself and your needs.

Marie58

He’s been supposedly clean for 10 mos but still living in the sober house waiting on housing. He can’t get anything as far as an apartment in his name because of his felonies and I am sure this new woman is someone to move in with without any responsibility. He even had the audacity to ask me a few months ago if I would sign a lease in my name so he could live there. Obviously I said no and I think that was where he felt I was no longer useful but I don’t doubt he’s been using this recovery house as his personal dating pool. He is very cocky and arrogant and I really doubt I will hear from him again. He is a despicable excuse for a human and I am ashamed I didn’t walk away before he so brutally discarded me

trailmix

edoering's words are so wise.

No, he isn't some wonderful, recovered, shiny version of himself now. This woman is useful to him, he needs a place to stay to get out of the recovery house. She's new, she doesn't have the emotional baggage, she hasn't had to put up with all of that - yet.

He may be sober but certainly not in recovery, so he's just a sober - jerk! He still has the same self-centered, get what I want from who I can - vision of life that he had when he was drinking.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You were trying to be kind and supportive. Perhaps that was misplaced - but you didn't know that at the time. You probably know a lot more about addiction now and understand why it was a no-win situation for you, but you didn't have a crystal ball.

Forgive yourself, focus all that care and energy on yourself - you actually deserve it.

Marie58

Thank you for the encouraging words - I have been doing this all alone as I am too ashamed to talk about this with family/friends. He was actually using heroin and fentanyl (not alcohol) which made the situation even more terrifying. Even though I was hoping things would change when he was in recovery- I knew deep down inside I could never feel safe with him knowing relapse is a drop of the shoe away. I believe this is a gift for me - my freedom and I am going to accept it so graciously. I am actually talking to a therapist this week to work on self- esteem issues I seem to have to allow this monster to have taken so much from me

fedupwithallofi

Dear RUN -start over - its not your shame ! Go NO contact delete him out of everything and ant friend that he has - he will only look for you when a supply runs out. DONT BE THERE

Marie58

I have been no contact for almost a month and I really still feel like I want to talk to him but I know it will just make me feel worse. I was doing good and then when the weekend comes I get wondering how he could do this even though I could never take him back. I was just used for money and feel like such a fool

trailmix

I believe, after going no contact, if you feel like contacting them you should ask yourself, what for? You already know if you say, texted him, that he may not even text back. Then what? You are left feeling hurt again. What if he did, what if you talked to him, what could he possibly say that would make you feel better?

As painful as this is, you have gained knowledge, you know what to look for now. He never was trustworthy. He was a criminal and a drug addict, bad bad combination. You deserve a person who will treat you well and with kindness, that's not him.

Why did he take off with the other woman? Because he can. With her there is no history/baggage, no expectation to stay sober if he doesn't want to (and he may not be). It's easier. It's always - always - been about him (not you, which is why this isn't personal).

You can't try to apply "normal" relationship expectations to an addict, their lives are not logical, their behaviour is not logical.

Marie58

Thank you for those words - it put me back to reality. There is nothing he could say to make the situation better - it is what it is. I could NEVER go through what he put me through again - it is not for the faint of heart to be with an addict and this woman in the recovery he is with is much younger but also a recovering homeless addict so they deserve each other. I don’t even consider us to have been in a relationship anymore, rather is was taking care of another child who was constantly asking for money, help in every way and very selfish and self- centered giving breadcrumbs in return. I can’t believe I tried to normalize this. Thank you for letting me rant. I really need this outlet

Marie58

It is also convenient to be in this recovery house all this time paying no rent, getting fed daily and no obligations so a new relationship in there probably feels pretty good. He is totally broke so one they are out of that facility he can’t handle the normal paying rent, utilities and everything else that adults have to do. He always wants things but never worked for it and because of his criminal past he always went back to selling drugs and eventually back to using. I am sure in the 10 mos time he has been in this recovery facility he didn’t conquer all of his issues especially life skills so I don’t doubt he is a shiny new upstanding citizen and relationship material that I never got to experience

Marie58

I was doing so good moving on and then this week I get a call from him acting like nothing wrong. He said he isn’t in a relationship with his recovery woman anymore and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone (including me) but wants to be friends. You have got to be kidding. Friends for what? To try and get more money out of me? How is it that just three weeks ago he said he was happy in his relationship and just treated me like a stranger. He is seriously disturbed and this time I have blocked him from calling. These mind games are just brutal and I really don’t understand why he called in the first place. Kinda seems like his “relationship” person dumped him