Met who I thought could be my person and then he relapsed
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Join Date: Feb 2023
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Met who I thought could be my person and then he relapsed
I'm writing this today to sort of vent and maybe gather some outlook on my situation. I think I still harbor hope despite it all and would like to know if something similar has happened to you all. This is gonna be a long one.
I met this guy on Bumble earlier this year, at the beginning of January. He commented on one of my topics and told me he had dabbled in therapy and for me, that was such a green flag, hahah. During our first date, at first, we struggled to talk to each other and I told him that it was probably either because we had no similarities or because we were so drawn to each other. Turned out to be the latter. During this first date, he also told me that he was an opioid-recovering addict. He had moved to where we live in order to escape that lifestyle and get his life back on track. He told me he had been sober for two years and a half total. Being the person that I am, I believe in judging people based on the actions of the present and not the past, and decided to give it a shot. I should also specify that I didn't go in with the intention of finding my person, lol. I was trying to give "casual relationships" a shot. So I really didn't see any harm in going on a second date. In fact, I was excited. After that night, I became infatuated with him, I'd literally daydream about him. It honestly scared me. On the second date, we talked a bit more and we kissed for the first time. The third, more kissing and getting to know each other. This sequence of events went on for eight or so more dates. It advanced pretty fast and things got romantic naturally. The stint of dates and seeing each other came to a halt because I had to go on a trip with my friend. He saw me a day before my flight and told me he couldn't stay long because he was still part of a recovery program where he had to see the person in charge of his case. An officer maybe? I don't know, never really understood fully. All I know is that he peed in a cup, at least twice a week, and so he couldn't drink on any of our dates either. (If someone has more info about this, please enlighten me). It was really sweet and he said he'd miss me, we also planned out a weekend outing in order for us to finally be more intimate. God, I am so attracted to this man and apparently, the feeling was mutual.
I went on the trip with my friend and all throughout he would send me really sweet messages here and there. I had told him that I really appreciated reassurance before this and he delivered on his end for sure. I think that week showed both of us how much we really liked each other. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Fast forward to a week, and the day before I was supposed to fly back he told me he had graduated from his program and could finally drink with me for the weekend but he also said that he was kind of nervous about it. That he trusted himself but that it made him uneasy. I told him that I believed in him and that he should feel proud of himself. That I judged him for the person that he is, not who he was. But I also told him that it’s hard to gain my trust back once you’ve lied or betrayed me. When I got back, he came to pick me up from the airport because I was to stay with him for the rest of the weekend. I noticed he was acting a bit weird and so I told him as soon as I saw him. He just said he was tired, so I let it go. That night was great is all I'm going to say. We connected really well on that end and it just solidified my feelings for him. I had a traumatizing sexual relationship with my ex, so for it to go so smoothly and for me to feel so safe, obviously it meant a lot to me.
The next day was also great, we both just slept and cuddled all day. At night we went out to get food and do some Top Golf. However, here comes the crappy part. Throughout those two days, I did notice that he would say he wanted to smoke a cigarette outside and I would just wait for him inside. That last night though, I innocently decided to go after him to accompany him. I snuck up to the car to prank him and what I saw was him holding aluminum foil. I think I was in a state of shock and just asked “What are you doing?” and he just said, “I relapsed.” I was being really nice to him, even giving him a kiss. I honestly don’t know what he said after like I said I was in shock but I do remember saying “Yeah, I mean I warned you that once you break my trust it's hard and near impossible to get it back.” To this, he just said “Yeah, I know. Do you want me to drive you home?” and I just told him that we should finish off the weekend and say goodbye. I cried in his arms for a bit and then we just fell asleep. The next morning, I was more distant and silent on the ride to be dropped off. It was super sad and I thought it was super final. He sent me a text apologizing and I sent him one back making myself clear about my feelings and the facts. But then a day later, I messed up. I texted him telling him how sad I was. Those texts turned into I miss yous and soon enough I was willing to give it another shot (he never asked me for one/nor pressured anything out of me). At this point though I had told everyone what had happened for accountability. And so they didn’t approve of him anymore. Whatsoever. So that weighed on my mind, the whole time we were trying to figure it out. We saw each other at one point and he was still recovering days after. I went over because I thought some rules and guidelines would make me feel more comfortable. But after asking him what exactly he did, and he said heroin, I think that made me question things again. I also asked him why he did what he did when I had warned him about it and knowing we were building something good, and he had no response to it.
I have really bad anxiety and so the indecision was weighing heavily on my entire day-to-day. I would tell him about this anxiety throughout his work day and I felt so bad. He told me that my going back and forth was hurting him. So finally, Friday last week, after talking to my therapist, I decided to end things fully. We were supposed to meet up that day but I gave him a call instead telling him that my anxiety was so so bad we had to end things. He said something about not messing with any other girls in the meantime and I told him not to give me any hope. That I had to try to move on fully. But I think that still stayed with me. He said stuff like "I like you too and I don’t really like a lot of people" and that broke my heart to pieces.
So yeah, after that, I’ve been trying my hardest to stick to no contact. But it’s been so hard, I’ve had insane urges to reach out and just ask how he is. I really thought he could’ve been my person because he checked so many other boxes for me and the chemistry was there. He was so so sweet. I loved seeing him talk about his nephews and nieces, his whole family. The way he was so considerate about me in anything he did. Even during sex, he always made sure I was ok. I felt so safe in his presence but had so much anxiety as soon as I left his side. So I know codependence was building there already. I just have these flashbacks that stab me any time of the day and send me into sobs. And I think that’s why I keep harboring hope that maybe just maybe after a month or so, maybe I’ll be better. That I'll be a bit more detached and we can try again. But my logical mind tells me that that’s such a huge risk. I believe him to a certain extent and I’ve never felt like this for anyone before.
So I guess with that said. Anything you can say to advise me, help me, or whatever in whichever direction will help. Is it worth it to keep that hope alive? Should I eventually try again? Or should I just fully give up on him? Even if you read this far, thanks. Please be nice and sensitive though, I’m only on day five of no contact and it’s still super raw.
I met this guy on Bumble earlier this year, at the beginning of January. He commented on one of my topics and told me he had dabbled in therapy and for me, that was such a green flag, hahah. During our first date, at first, we struggled to talk to each other and I told him that it was probably either because we had no similarities or because we were so drawn to each other. Turned out to be the latter. During this first date, he also told me that he was an opioid-recovering addict. He had moved to where we live in order to escape that lifestyle and get his life back on track. He told me he had been sober for two years and a half total. Being the person that I am, I believe in judging people based on the actions of the present and not the past, and decided to give it a shot. I should also specify that I didn't go in with the intention of finding my person, lol. I was trying to give "casual relationships" a shot. So I really didn't see any harm in going on a second date. In fact, I was excited. After that night, I became infatuated with him, I'd literally daydream about him. It honestly scared me. On the second date, we talked a bit more and we kissed for the first time. The third, more kissing and getting to know each other. This sequence of events went on for eight or so more dates. It advanced pretty fast and things got romantic naturally. The stint of dates and seeing each other came to a halt because I had to go on a trip with my friend. He saw me a day before my flight and told me he couldn't stay long because he was still part of a recovery program where he had to see the person in charge of his case. An officer maybe? I don't know, never really understood fully. All I know is that he peed in a cup, at least twice a week, and so he couldn't drink on any of our dates either. (If someone has more info about this, please enlighten me). It was really sweet and he said he'd miss me, we also planned out a weekend outing in order for us to finally be more intimate. God, I am so attracted to this man and apparently, the feeling was mutual.
I went on the trip with my friend and all throughout he would send me really sweet messages here and there. I had told him that I really appreciated reassurance before this and he delivered on his end for sure. I think that week showed both of us how much we really liked each other. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Fast forward to a week, and the day before I was supposed to fly back he told me he had graduated from his program and could finally drink with me for the weekend but he also said that he was kind of nervous about it. That he trusted himself but that it made him uneasy. I told him that I believed in him and that he should feel proud of himself. That I judged him for the person that he is, not who he was. But I also told him that it’s hard to gain my trust back once you’ve lied or betrayed me. When I got back, he came to pick me up from the airport because I was to stay with him for the rest of the weekend. I noticed he was acting a bit weird and so I told him as soon as I saw him. He just said he was tired, so I let it go. That night was great is all I'm going to say. We connected really well on that end and it just solidified my feelings for him. I had a traumatizing sexual relationship with my ex, so for it to go so smoothly and for me to feel so safe, obviously it meant a lot to me.
The next day was also great, we both just slept and cuddled all day. At night we went out to get food and do some Top Golf. However, here comes the crappy part. Throughout those two days, I did notice that he would say he wanted to smoke a cigarette outside and I would just wait for him inside. That last night though, I innocently decided to go after him to accompany him. I snuck up to the car to prank him and what I saw was him holding aluminum foil. I think I was in a state of shock and just asked “What are you doing?” and he just said, “I relapsed.” I was being really nice to him, even giving him a kiss. I honestly don’t know what he said after like I said I was in shock but I do remember saying “Yeah, I mean I warned you that once you break my trust it's hard and near impossible to get it back.” To this, he just said “Yeah, I know. Do you want me to drive you home?” and I just told him that we should finish off the weekend and say goodbye. I cried in his arms for a bit and then we just fell asleep. The next morning, I was more distant and silent on the ride to be dropped off. It was super sad and I thought it was super final. He sent me a text apologizing and I sent him one back making myself clear about my feelings and the facts. But then a day later, I messed up. I texted him telling him how sad I was. Those texts turned into I miss yous and soon enough I was willing to give it another shot (he never asked me for one/nor pressured anything out of me). At this point though I had told everyone what had happened for accountability. And so they didn’t approve of him anymore. Whatsoever. So that weighed on my mind, the whole time we were trying to figure it out. We saw each other at one point and he was still recovering days after. I went over because I thought some rules and guidelines would make me feel more comfortable. But after asking him what exactly he did, and he said heroin, I think that made me question things again. I also asked him why he did what he did when I had warned him about it and knowing we were building something good, and he had no response to it.
I have really bad anxiety and so the indecision was weighing heavily on my entire day-to-day. I would tell him about this anxiety throughout his work day and I felt so bad. He told me that my going back and forth was hurting him. So finally, Friday last week, after talking to my therapist, I decided to end things fully. We were supposed to meet up that day but I gave him a call instead telling him that my anxiety was so so bad we had to end things. He said something about not messing with any other girls in the meantime and I told him not to give me any hope. That I had to try to move on fully. But I think that still stayed with me. He said stuff like "I like you too and I don’t really like a lot of people" and that broke my heart to pieces.
So yeah, after that, I’ve been trying my hardest to stick to no contact. But it’s been so hard, I’ve had insane urges to reach out and just ask how he is. I really thought he could’ve been my person because he checked so many other boxes for me and the chemistry was there. He was so so sweet. I loved seeing him talk about his nephews and nieces, his whole family. The way he was so considerate about me in anything he did. Even during sex, he always made sure I was ok. I felt so safe in his presence but had so much anxiety as soon as I left his side. So I know codependence was building there already. I just have these flashbacks that stab me any time of the day and send me into sobs. And I think that’s why I keep harboring hope that maybe just maybe after a month or so, maybe I’ll be better. That I'll be a bit more detached and we can try again. But my logical mind tells me that that’s such a huge risk. I believe him to a certain extent and I’ve never felt like this for anyone before.
So I guess with that said. Anything you can say to advise me, help me, or whatever in whichever direction will help. Is it worth it to keep that hope alive? Should I eventually try again? Or should I just fully give up on him? Even if you read this far, thanks. Please be nice and sensitive though, I’m only on day five of no contact and it’s still super raw.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
hi and welcome.
Maybe best to answer your last question first? It seems to me that your decision, after speaking to your therapist is right.
You have anxiety, this is already making that climb. He has already lied to you, how are you going to trust him?. I doubt you will (and you shouldn't) so where will that leave you.
You know, it's important to make boundaries for yourself. That way when these types of things happen, there is no question what your decision will be.
You've only known him a few weeks and look how much havoc and hurt you have in your life now. There are lots of nice people out there, take some time. 5 days in to no contact is still a painful time. When you get an urge to talk to him, ride it out minute by minute if need be. It will get easier. When you find yourself dwelling on the "good times" also remember the bad times and him lying to you and sneaking out to use heroin.
It doesn't bode well that such a short time after his enforced sobriety was over he went straight back to the drugs.
It's going to take time to heal from this. Try to focus on looking after yourself as much as possible, keep busy. Some people find it helpful to allocate a certain time of day to really sit and think about it and cry if you want to. Say half an hour after you return from work. That way when those feelings arise you can say - ok i'll deal with that after work or at such and such a time. Sounds kind of regimented, but it might make you feel a bit better while you go through this.
Maybe best to answer your last question first? It seems to me that your decision, after speaking to your therapist is right.
You have anxiety, this is already making that climb. He has already lied to you, how are you going to trust him?. I doubt you will (and you shouldn't) so where will that leave you.
You know, it's important to make boundaries for yourself. That way when these types of things happen, there is no question what your decision will be.
You've only known him a few weeks and look how much havoc and hurt you have in your life now. There are lots of nice people out there, take some time. 5 days in to no contact is still a painful time. When you get an urge to talk to him, ride it out minute by minute if need be. It will get easier. When you find yourself dwelling on the "good times" also remember the bad times and him lying to you and sneaking out to use heroin.
It doesn't bode well that such a short time after his enforced sobriety was over he went straight back to the drugs.
It's going to take time to heal from this. Try to focus on looking after yourself as much as possible, keep busy. Some people find it helpful to allocate a certain time of day to really sit and think about it and cry if you want to. Say half an hour after you return from work. That way when those feelings arise you can say - ok i'll deal with that after work or at such and such a time. Sounds kind of regimented, but it might make you feel a bit better while you go through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
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@trailmix,
I just wanted to say thanks so much for the long and caring response. I can tell you really took the time to read thoroughly and reply, so I'm grateful.
I agree with you and so does everyone else in my life honestly. It'd be stupid of me to ignore it at this point. But you know, sometimes the heart is stronger than logic. I think I'm getting better though with each day. With that said, I did break no contact yesterday after having a few drinks with my friend and feeling lonely. I was just missing him unbearably. I think now I'm just having anxiety because I'm ashamed I couldn't get to even a week before texting him. In a way, though, I think I'm more sure of my decision after doing so. I told him I hope he's remaining healthy and resolute and that I care about him beyond anything romantic and hope he was doing well overall. I tried to keep it the least romantic I could. He did respond and said that he cares for my well-being so he heavily debated responding but that he did want to wish me good luck with my new job position and that I deserve it. It was really sweet but the whole time I honestly didn't want him to reply because I knew I had messed up. So I told him that maybe I had made a mistake but that I did want him to know that I do care about him and that it'll probably be a long while before I can talk to him again but that I wish him a good recovery. To this, he replied that he agrees and that he has to concentrate on himself too. That ended the conversation but I still feel so ashamed to have done that because what if I gave him hope? I also didn't want to start from square one. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like it though. Yesterday, I genuinely laughed for the first time in the company of a friend. And I haven't cried for two days straight, so I definitely think I'm getting better with time.
Once again, thank you.
I just wanted to say thanks so much for the long and caring response. I can tell you really took the time to read thoroughly and reply, so I'm grateful.
I agree with you and so does everyone else in my life honestly. It'd be stupid of me to ignore it at this point. But you know, sometimes the heart is stronger than logic. I think I'm getting better though with each day. With that said, I did break no contact yesterday after having a few drinks with my friend and feeling lonely. I was just missing him unbearably. I think now I'm just having anxiety because I'm ashamed I couldn't get to even a week before texting him. In a way, though, I think I'm more sure of my decision after doing so. I told him I hope he's remaining healthy and resolute and that I care about him beyond anything romantic and hope he was doing well overall. I tried to keep it the least romantic I could. He did respond and said that he cares for my well-being so he heavily debated responding but that he did want to wish me good luck with my new job position and that I deserve it. It was really sweet but the whole time I honestly didn't want him to reply because I knew I had messed up. So I told him that maybe I had made a mistake but that I did want him to know that I do care about him and that it'll probably be a long while before I can talk to him again but that I wish him a good recovery. To this, he replied that he agrees and that he has to concentrate on himself too. That ended the conversation but I still feel so ashamed to have done that because what if I gave him hope? I also didn't want to start from square one. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like it though. Yesterday, I genuinely laughed for the first time in the company of a friend. And I haven't cried for two days straight, so I definitely think I'm getting better with time.
Once again, thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I wouldn't worry about the contact, it sounds very civil, no harm done.
You're right, you're not really starting from square one, you have some experience of this already after your 5 days, it may seem small, but it's not. You know you can do it.
Now you also know there is healing taking place, you laughed! Little things like that you will start to notice. Eventually, he won't be the first thing you think of when you wake up or shortly after. The times thinking of him will become less frequent. It will happen over time and you are going to be ok. Your heart will catch up with the logic.
From what you said, I don't think you gave him hope. But, you aren't responsible for feelings he has anyway. Hopefully he took it as intended. You told him it would probably be a long time before you could talk to him again and that's fair.
Dating is for deciding if a person is right for you. This guy isn't. It's great he has many good qualities, but heroin addiction is a long tough road that you really probably don't want to travel with him. He does need to focus on his recovery and he may or may not but you have wished him well.
You're right, you're not really starting from square one, you have some experience of this already after your 5 days, it may seem small, but it's not. You know you can do it.
Now you also know there is healing taking place, you laughed! Little things like that you will start to notice. Eventually, he won't be the first thing you think of when you wake up or shortly after. The times thinking of him will become less frequent. It will happen over time and you are going to be ok. Your heart will catch up with the logic.
From what you said, I don't think you gave him hope. But, you aren't responsible for feelings he has anyway. Hopefully he took it as intended. You told him it would probably be a long time before you could talk to him again and that's fair.
Dating is for deciding if a person is right for you. This guy isn't. It's great he has many good qualities, but heroin addiction is a long tough road that you really probably don't want to travel with him. He does need to focus on his recovery and he may or may not but you have wished him well.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Going no contact was essential for me too. It steadily gets easier and your thoughts and feelings about it become less clouded. You will feel confident in your decision and find peace with it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
One other forum you might want to check out is Friends and Family of alcoholics, drugs are drugs after all. It's a busier forum and you might find even more posts you can relate to. You can post over there too, if you want to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If I had one wish about it, I wish I would have walked away right away when I saw the problems...as you have. You are saving yourself possibly years of heartbreak, grief & struggle. Addiction will chip away the both of you until there is nothing left. Yet I hung on to the belief that he was my one. I wound up humiliated beyond what I will ever tell anyone. and in so much pain.
You can see that he was being deceitful and hiding his use from you. So, he has shown you what you can expect and that you can't trust him. Then we get anxious and try to out-think them..figuring out everything that is going on and putting out fires until we can't see the forest. Yet, I was still enthralled with him. Until I hit my very low rock bottom.
I stayed with a relative and began my count. No, it wasn't easy at all. But I commited to it and held myself accountable here and that made a difference. I was counting my "sobriety" and it was with a heavy heart and confused mind. For me, it took about 6 weeks for my mind to start clearing and extricate myself from the thinking I had while I was with him.
I had an opportunity to move over 1000 miles away and I took it. I didn't trust myself not to let him back in! We lived in the same small rural area and I would never feel safe and free, as he had stalked me in the past. and part of my heart still wanted him, but I knew that was a disaster.
It took 4-6 weeks after I moved for it to sink in that I was free. That no one knew me where I had moved to (other than family).
Then I began to build my new life. As I did so, my thinking and what I thought of him changed.
So, it takes time. But I so admire you for addressing it from the start! It may take a minute and it may feel awful, but you are doing the right thing and you will heal.
((((((hugs)))))
You can see that he was being deceitful and hiding his use from you. So, he has shown you what you can expect and that you can't trust him. Then we get anxious and try to out-think them..figuring out everything that is going on and putting out fires until we can't see the forest. Yet, I was still enthralled with him. Until I hit my very low rock bottom.
I stayed with a relative and began my count. No, it wasn't easy at all. But I commited to it and held myself accountable here and that made a difference. I was counting my "sobriety" and it was with a heavy heart and confused mind. For me, it took about 6 weeks for my mind to start clearing and extricate myself from the thinking I had while I was with him.
I had an opportunity to move over 1000 miles away and I took it. I didn't trust myself not to let him back in! We lived in the same small rural area and I would never feel safe and free, as he had stalked me in the past. and part of my heart still wanted him, but I knew that was a disaster.
It took 4-6 weeks after I moved for it to sink in that I was free. That no one knew me where I had moved to (other than family).
Then I began to build my new life. As I did so, my thinking and what I thought of him changed.
So, it takes time. But I so admire you for addressing it from the start! It may take a minute and it may feel awful, but you are doing the right thing and you will heal.
((((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Feb 2023
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@Live
I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm glad you were able to get out. Thanks for sharing that.
((Hugs to you too, heheh))
@Live + @trailmix
Honestly, I haven't cried for a few days but I do get random moments every day when I miss him terribly. Reading back on both of your responses, support, and advice though definitely helps keep me disciplined on my decision, at least for a month or so. I do think I still have a tiny little bit of hope deep in my heart and in the back of my head that I harbor. A stupid hope that he's the exception and that everything will work itself out. But I know that's not realistic, so I'm hoping time takes that hope away as well.
I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm glad you were able to get out. Thanks for sharing that.
((Hugs to you too, heheh))
@Live + @trailmix
Honestly, I haven't cried for a few days but I do get random moments every day when I miss him terribly. Reading back on both of your responses, support, and advice though definitely helps keep me disciplined on my decision, at least for a month or so. I do think I still have a tiny little bit of hope deep in my heart and in the back of my head that I harbor. A stupid hope that he's the exception and that everything will work itself out. But I know that's not realistic, so I'm hoping time takes that hope away as well.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think a month is a good thing to shoot for. I think you will find you feel much clearer after a month.
Hope isn't stupid and tempering it with reality is wise, which you are. He may still be using right now, can't be sure and that is definitely a place you don't want to go.
I do wonder what "program" he was in that required drug testing twice a week and seeing an officer? Sounds more like parole?
Hope isn't stupid and tempering it with reality is wise, which you are. He may still be using right now, can't be sure and that is definitely a place you don't want to go.
I do wonder what "program" he was in that required drug testing twice a week and seeing an officer? Sounds more like parole?
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Join Date: Feb 2023
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@trailmix
I pray he really isn't. Not for the sake of whatever hope I have for a relationship but because he really is a lovely person and I wish him nothing but the best. As for the "program", he did mention something vaguely about having a record and also he referred to them as an officer, so you're probably right. I think I just called it a program because I had no idea what else to call it. Honestly, before this experience with him, I was so ignorant to anything related to drugs/substance abuse. I feel like it's one of those things you hear about and try to stay away from due to the stigma, so you never really inquire deeply about it.
I pray he really isn't. Not for the sake of whatever hope I have for a relationship but because he really is a lovely person and I wish him nothing but the best. As for the "program", he did mention something vaguely about having a record and also he referred to them as an officer, so you're probably right. I think I just called it a program because I had no idea what else to call it. Honestly, before this experience with him, I was so ignorant to anything related to drugs/substance abuse. I feel like it's one of those things you hear about and try to stay away from due to the stigma, so you never really inquire deeply about it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, I hope so too, I hope he jumped back on the sobriety wagon. That said, he wouldn't be near the first person who started using again right after some type of restriction was gone - whether rehab, jail or parole.
I never knew anything about alcoholism either and my Father was an alcoholic. I knew he liked to drink - a lot, that's about it. Of course I have known other alcoholics since then and now I know a lot more about it. But you're right, until you know someone addicted and it's affecting you, why would you even look.
There is a huge stigma, just like there used to be with mental illness, although I think addiction should be considered the same.
I never knew anything about alcoholism either and my Father was an alcoholic. I knew he liked to drink - a lot, that's about it. Of course I have known other alcoholics since then and now I know a lot more about it. But you're right, until you know someone addicted and it's affecting you, why would you even look.
There is a huge stigma, just like there used to be with mental illness, although I think addiction should be considered the same.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Hey, there!
I‘m so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.
I agree, there’s a lot of confusion and misunderstanding about addiction. My ex took me with him to several NA meetings to help me understand what I might be signing up for when we started dating. The NA literature (pamphlets and things) were really helpful for me. As I learned more, I talked to others more, and discovered it’s a lot more common than I realized!
A few things I wanted to share: while addiction is by no means a death sentence, heroin/opioid addiction is VERY intense to combat. And recovery is a lifelong journey—they never get to “stop” and be “recovered.” Like a chronic illness, it’s more like it goes into “remission,” but you never get to to stop worrying about it. I’m not sure that’s the kind of relationship that would really fulfill you.
A friend had a sister who had been addicted to heroin, got clean, even started a relationship with a partner… then tried to reintroduce alcohol. Then weed. The partner (also in recovery), broke up with her and told the family “it’ll be a year, and she’ll be back to the heavier stuff.” The partner, unfortunately, was right. It is usually not safe to use anything, even “safe” drugs that are societally acceptable, when you have addiction issues. It’s something they are also very clear about in most recovery programs. So I don’t find it a good sign about his recovery if he wanted to drink with you. My ex also (after 7 years clean) thought he’d be safe to reintroduce weed only, in small amounts. It was less than a year before our lives fell apart.
Unfortunately, lying is really common with addiction. Often not with the intent to hurt you, just to protect the using and the drugs. The behaviors (like his using despite you warning him you don’t let people lie to you) will not have logical explanations—at least not by our logic. Active addiction has its own logic. And you will also hear often that being drug-free is not the same as being in recovery. Recovery involves changing your mindset, involves community engagement, involves rebuilding a life and a sense of self, as well as not drinking or using drugs. In my experience, battling addiction doesn’t automatically makes someone a “bad person” (my ex was a truly wonderful person). But while active addiction rules anyone’s life, they will hurt themselves and others consistently. And you deserve a good, healthy relationship.
Maybe he came into your life not to be “the one,” but to show you some things that you now know you want in a relationship. And also to show you some things you deserve better than. That’s not to say he’s a bad person, just to say you deserve love that is healthy. Love that is capable of being give-and-take. Compassionate. Mature. Honest. And someone in active addiction will not give you that, the addiction will always come first.
I‘m so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.
I agree, there’s a lot of confusion and misunderstanding about addiction. My ex took me with him to several NA meetings to help me understand what I might be signing up for when we started dating. The NA literature (pamphlets and things) were really helpful for me. As I learned more, I talked to others more, and discovered it’s a lot more common than I realized!
A few things I wanted to share: while addiction is by no means a death sentence, heroin/opioid addiction is VERY intense to combat. And recovery is a lifelong journey—they never get to “stop” and be “recovered.” Like a chronic illness, it’s more like it goes into “remission,” but you never get to to stop worrying about it. I’m not sure that’s the kind of relationship that would really fulfill you.
A friend had a sister who had been addicted to heroin, got clean, even started a relationship with a partner… then tried to reintroduce alcohol. Then weed. The partner (also in recovery), broke up with her and told the family “it’ll be a year, and she’ll be back to the heavier stuff.” The partner, unfortunately, was right. It is usually not safe to use anything, even “safe” drugs that are societally acceptable, when you have addiction issues. It’s something they are also very clear about in most recovery programs. So I don’t find it a good sign about his recovery if he wanted to drink with you. My ex also (after 7 years clean) thought he’d be safe to reintroduce weed only, in small amounts. It was less than a year before our lives fell apart.
Unfortunately, lying is really common with addiction. Often not with the intent to hurt you, just to protect the using and the drugs. The behaviors (like his using despite you warning him you don’t let people lie to you) will not have logical explanations—at least not by our logic. Active addiction has its own logic. And you will also hear often that being drug-free is not the same as being in recovery. Recovery involves changing your mindset, involves community engagement, involves rebuilding a life and a sense of self, as well as not drinking or using drugs. In my experience, battling addiction doesn’t automatically makes someone a “bad person” (my ex was a truly wonderful person). But while active addiction rules anyone’s life, they will hurt themselves and others consistently. And you deserve a good, healthy relationship.
Maybe he came into your life not to be “the one,” but to show you some things that you now know you want in a relationship. And also to show you some things you deserve better than. That’s not to say he’s a bad person, just to say you deserve love that is healthy. Love that is capable of being give-and-take. Compassionate. Mature. Honest. And someone in active addiction will not give you that, the addiction will always come first.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
There is a huge stigma, just like there used to be with mental illness, although I think addiction should be considered the same.
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@edoering I actually didn't expect someone else to reply to this post. But I'm so glad you did! I feel like I could feel how caring you are in your writing. Honestly, never thought a random substance abuse and recovery forum would be such a warm place for someone in my situation.
With that said, I'll get back to replying to your message. Yeah, this guy also suggested that I attend NA meetings with him so that I could get a better understanding. And honestly, I probably would've, just to support him. But like you also mentioned, I don't think I would've ever been ok with the concept of them never really healing. Because I already have anxiety, and it'd just feel like a monster looming over the whole relationship.
As for the drinking part, he actually never said he really wanted to. I was the one to always insist because I thought it'd be fun to do it together. But even when we drank, he barely had any of it. Later on, I asked him if it made him uncomfortable and he just explained that in recovery they do tell him to be careful about any other substances so he's always cautious about it. I wish he would've just told me that from the get-go though because as I mentioned I was really ignorant of that and my insistence at the time now makes me feel embarrassed.
The last part is hard to come to terms with still. As I mentioned, I still have illogical hope in my heart that I hope goes away soon. He really did show me what I want because he did check so many boxes that are making my healing process feel so much harder and longer than it has to be. You have no idea how many times a day my mind starts to remind me of our short but sweet moments together and how he well treated me and how cute he was. And I momentarily forget about why I'm doing what I'm doing. And then my hands start to itch to text him. Like "Oh I'm just going to ask how he is, it's not that big of a deal." And then I realize that it is. Because if he were to say something like I miss you, I know I'd probably be back to square one. Hahaha, I thought I was past it but this has been my life for the past week. Not even work is keeping me distracted. Nights and weekends are the WORST. But yeah, as insecure as I am, I still do believe that I deserve someone who's exactly right for me. It's just that sometimes loneliness gets to me, and then I start to think that maybe I will never find someone as good (in other ways outside of his addiction) as him.
I don't know if it's triggering but I'd love to hear more about that experience with your ex if you'd like to share. I hope you're in a better place now though. Hope you've found someone better for you too. Thanks again for sharing. These replies really help me snap out of it. I always come back here to strengthen my resolve.
With that said, I'll get back to replying to your message. Yeah, this guy also suggested that I attend NA meetings with him so that I could get a better understanding. And honestly, I probably would've, just to support him. But like you also mentioned, I don't think I would've ever been ok with the concept of them never really healing. Because I already have anxiety, and it'd just feel like a monster looming over the whole relationship.
As for the drinking part, he actually never said he really wanted to. I was the one to always insist because I thought it'd be fun to do it together. But even when we drank, he barely had any of it. Later on, I asked him if it made him uncomfortable and he just explained that in recovery they do tell him to be careful about any other substances so he's always cautious about it. I wish he would've just told me that from the get-go though because as I mentioned I was really ignorant of that and my insistence at the time now makes me feel embarrassed.
The last part is hard to come to terms with still. As I mentioned, I still have illogical hope in my heart that I hope goes away soon. He really did show me what I want because he did check so many boxes that are making my healing process feel so much harder and longer than it has to be. You have no idea how many times a day my mind starts to remind me of our short but sweet moments together and how he well treated me and how cute he was. And I momentarily forget about why I'm doing what I'm doing. And then my hands start to itch to text him. Like "Oh I'm just going to ask how he is, it's not that big of a deal." And then I realize that it is. Because if he were to say something like I miss you, I know I'd probably be back to square one. Hahaha, I thought I was past it but this has been my life for the past week. Not even work is keeping me distracted. Nights and weekends are the WORST. But yeah, as insecure as I am, I still do believe that I deserve someone who's exactly right for me. It's just that sometimes loneliness gets to me, and then I start to think that maybe I will never find someone as good (in other ways outside of his addiction) as him.
I don't know if it's triggering but I'd love to hear more about that experience with your ex if you'd like to share. I hope you're in a better place now though. Hope you've found someone better for you too. Thanks again for sharing. These replies really help me snap out of it. I always come back here to strengthen my resolve.
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@edoering Sorry to respond so late. I've been distracted by work. It has been super busy lately. I also wanted to read back on some of your posts to get a better idea of your situation (hope that doesn't sound too stalker-ish). I have so many questions but I'll just keep it short: How are you doing now? Did he ever reach out again? And do you still harbor hope of reconciliation today?
I also wanted to echo some of what you wrote. You said something like you go day by day with this feeling that there's something missing because even though you're doing well, you still feel like there's the void of what you had in the past and know you could've still had. I've found myself feeling this way as well. I hate it because I was so content with my single life before I met him. He kind of reignited this loneliness I've had dormant within me and now I'm itchy to have romance in my life again. I just wanted to ask if you're still feeling that way. Or have you started to get that spark in life back?
Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get past it. I can't imagine having to go through all that simultaneously. You're honestly so strong-minded. I can only hope to be a speck of that if I were to ever have to go through something like that. It honestly terrifies me just thinking about it.
I also wanted to echo some of what you wrote. You said something like you go day by day with this feeling that there's something missing because even though you're doing well, you still feel like there's the void of what you had in the past and know you could've still had. I've found myself feeling this way as well. I hate it because I was so content with my single life before I met him. He kind of reignited this loneliness I've had dormant within me and now I'm itchy to have romance in my life again. I just wanted to ask if you're still feeling that way. Or have you started to get that spark in life back?
Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get past it. I can't imagine having to go through all that simultaneously. You're honestly so strong-minded. I can only hope to be a speck of that if I were to ever have to go through something like that. It honestly terrifies me just thinking about it.
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Originally Posted by isoulation
How are you doing now? Did he ever reach out again? And do you still harbor hope of reconciliation today?
I just wanted to ask if you're still feeling that way. Or have you started to get that spark in life back?
I just wanted to ask if you're still feeling that way. Or have you started to get that spark in life back?
I am doing actually really well now. It’s taken almost the full past two years for me to really feel the fog lift and feel really back to myself. I was never not “whole” but I felt like a tree who had grown for so long intertwined with another tree, that when the other was cut out, I felt lopsided and gnarled and missing these pieces that weren’t me but felt like part of me. However, just consistently taking steps to live my own life and build a new routine has helped me feel more present. I still have been shaped by growing around this other tree, but now I’m sturdy again in that new shape even without the other. It doesn’t feel as weird. I have a really great life I’m in love with, and lots of freedom. I’m excited to wake up alone and have no one but myself to answer to! Spark is definitely back.
He has not really reached out again. The few points of contact we’ve had since were generally more hurtful/heartbreaking for me than helpful. But it did show me that I didn’t need contact, and that sometimes putting my hand back on that stove wasn’t necessary.
I don’t harbor hope of reconciliation because I don’t really have an emotional attachment to it as much. Do I still think it’s possible he could get clean? He could be a part of my life? Yes. But I don’t necessarily hope or seek that outcome. I just know it exists. Would I be open to a life with him again? Depends on who he’s become and who I’ve become if our paths ever crossed again.
And, to be very vulnerable, my faith is very important to me. There are times I still feel his spirit in my life. I have a deep inner sense we are both very important souls to each other. However, to me, that does not mean I’m “meant to be with him” for the rest of this life. That does not mean I’m not meant to find meaningful love with others. I know there’s a lot I don’t know, but I have a path to walk, and so does he. And because I trust myself, and I trust my journey (even when I don’t know where it’s taking me!), I’m happy to keep going and learn what I can along the way.
In another two years I’ll probably have more thoughts! But from where I stand now, all I can recommend is to build a life (routine, habits, projects, hobbies) as much as you can. The more living you do every day, the more your “new normal” feels real, and the past becomes appropriately the past. More dreamy. Without new concrete life activities to hold onto, it was easy to dissociate from the present, and feel like the past was more “real,” and I was living in a sort of dreamlike limbo. Only way out of that haze is through.
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Originally Posted by edoering
I was never not “whole” but I felt like a tree who had grown for so long intertwined with another tree, that when the other was cut out, I felt lopsided and gnarled and missing these pieces that weren’t me but felt like part of me.
Originally Posted by edoering
I have a really great life I’m in love with, and lots of freedom. I’m excited to wake up alone and have no one but myself to answer to!
You mentioned your faith. If you don't mind me asking, what is it? Also, what do you mean by in another two years you'll have more thoughts? How do you think your thoughts will change?
As the monthaversary of going no contact approaches this Friday, I can't help but think I'm going to mess up. Because I'm genuinely curious about how he's doing and I miss him every day. I've tried to bury myself in work. Last week I went to a concert, yesterday out with a friend. I'm going to therapy once a week, so I feel like I'm taking all the steps to heal. But even though the pain isn't there anymore, the longing most definitely is. Sometimes it really does make me question whether I made the right choice. Like maybe I should've just suffered through it if I had to so that my heart and brain would understand. I know that sounds masochistic and honestly, pretty dumb but just trying to be transparent here.
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