edoering

I’m a witch! 😋 It’s a bit of a simplification, but how I understand the universe and my place in it was built out of studying Buddhism (along with all world religions, but Buddhism was the one I connected with the most deeply), traditional folk religions and practices of my ancestors, and animistic/naturalistic spirituality. Plus I come from a family of witches. I believe we are all connected—after all we are all the universe! Made up of the same atoms, quarks, and so forth. Made of the same things as stars, as the saying goes! ✨ I see human consciousness as an expression of the universe’s consciousness through us.

I can’t say that I could tell you how my thoughts might change in two years. I can just say I didn’t imagine being where I am now two years ago. So I figure, I might not be able to predict what I’ll learn and how I’ll grow in another two years. I don’t know what I don’t know, as it were 😅 But I think we don’t have to know how we’ll feel in the future. Things change, we change, life changes, it’s okay to accept that and explore the changes rather than try to predict/control them, I think.

In my opinion, there isn’t really such a thing as messing up or the right choice. If you do something that winds up hurting you, it can be a learning opportunity. If you do something that doesn’t hurt, yay! You are keeping yourself safe and building a strong foundation for a future life. Because, sometimes, going through the long cycle of suffering/injury in this relationship can do more damage that good. It can make it harder to leave, it can get you hooked on the emotional roller coaster (the dopamine highs and lows). It does not always bring clarity. Often, nothing brings clarity but space, time, and sometimes therapy/support groups. Our hearts and brains don’t always understand just because we put our hand on the stove. But then we have to deal with the burn scars.

You’ll see on here people talking about their addict loved ones as their personal drug. There can be a withdrawal when there’s a separation. There can be addiction to the relationship and the other person. And it’s very hard to create new neural pathways and a new life while still being with that person.

edoering

@isoulation its been a little while and I just wanted to say I hope you are doing well and things are getting easier for you!

isoulation

Thanks for checking up on me. I haven't been on here much because life has been busy, mainly with work. I'm also planning to move out of state soon so have been definitely focused more on that. As for "the guy", we've been in contact again but I'm definitely better off these days. I also realize it might be a risky move but given that I'm moving out pretty soon I don't really see a future there anyway. Our interactions are definitely as friends, we don't touch on anything romantic and text very sporadically. I feel comfortable doing this now rather than beating myself up about it because I think I'm at a better place with myself. I know I can't take being with an active addict but that doesn't change the fact that I care for him and his recovery. So I think this arrangement is working for me for now. I think that if it were to get more on the romantic side, I'd sense it pretty fast and honestly my intuition would start to trigger my anxiety badly again. I've also found that I need a lot of questions answered, be it because I'm an extremely curious person or because it helps my healing. So I think we'll need to have a talk eventually. I've also realized that in terms of seeking out support and help, there are ways I like to interact with others. I recently lost a friendship because she was condemning me and making me feel worse than I already felt about the situation. There's no one that beats themselves up more than I do when I mess up so I don't like people around me to make me feel worse. I think that's why this forum helps me so much because the advice and approach is so constructive and logical. Anyway, that was a tangent, hahah.

I also wanted to reply and point out that what you mentioned about your beliefs is very interesting to me. A lot of it resonates with me for sure.

isoulation

@edoering ^

edoering

The move sounds awesome!

And friends can have trouble understanding this if they haven’t lived it, that’s for sure. Grief in general is something people act really weirdly around and they may act in ways that’s aren’t good for your healing. Doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, just that they maybe aren’t great at this time on your support team!

I’m glad you’re able to have friendly contact! That was not really an option for me, so I had to learn to have those tough conversations and answer the unanswered questions on my own. But it’s truly whatever works for us all individually!