isoulation

I'm writing this today to sort of vent and maybe gather some outlook on my situation. I think I still harbor hope despite it all and would like to know if something similar has happened to you all. This is gonna be a long one.

I met this guy on Bumble earlier this year, at the beginning of January. He commented on one of my topics and told me he had dabbled in therapy and for me, that was such a green flag, hahah. During our first date, at first, we struggled to talk to each other and I told him that it was probably either because we had no similarities or because we were so drawn to each other. Turned out to be the latter. During this first date, he also told me that he was an opioid-recovering addict. He had moved to where we live in order to escape that lifestyle and get his life back on track. He told me he had been sober for two years and a half total. Being the person that I am, I believe in judging people based on the actions of the present and not the past, and decided to give it a shot. I should also specify that I didn't go in with the intention of finding my person, lol. I was trying to give "casual relationships" a shot. So I really didn't see any harm in going on a second date. In fact, I was excited. After that night, I became infatuated with him, I'd literally daydream about him. It honestly scared me. On the second date, we talked a bit more and we kissed for the first time. The third, more kissing and getting to know each other. This sequence of events went on for eight or so more dates. It advanced pretty fast and things got romantic naturally. The stint of dates and seeing each other came to a halt because I had to go on a trip with my friend. He saw me a day before my flight and told me he couldn't stay long because he was still part of a recovery program where he had to see the person in charge of his case. An officer maybe? I don't know, never really understood fully. All I know is that he peed in a cup, at least twice a week, and so he couldn't drink on any of our dates either. (If someone has more info about this, please enlighten me). It was really sweet and he said he'd miss me, we also planned out a weekend outing in order for us to finally be more intimate. God, I am so attracted to this man and apparently, the feeling was mutual.

I went on the trip with my friend and all throughout he would send me really sweet messages here and there. I had told him that I really appreciated reassurance before this and he delivered on his end for sure. I think that week showed both of us how much we really liked each other. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Fast forward to a week, and the day before I was supposed to fly back he told me he had graduated from his program and could finally drink with me for the weekend but he also said that he was kind of nervous about it. That he trusted himself but that it made him uneasy. I told him that I believed in him and that he should feel proud of himself. That I judged him for the person that he is, not who he was. But I also told him that it’s hard to gain my trust back once you’ve lied or betrayed me. When I got back, he came to pick me up from the airport because I was to stay with him for the rest of the weekend. I noticed he was acting a bit weird and so I told him as soon as I saw him. He just said he was tired, so I let it go. That night was great is all I'm going to say. We connected really well on that end and it just solidified my feelings for him. I had a traumatizing sexual relationship with my ex, so for it to go so smoothly and for me to feel so safe, obviously it meant a lot to me.

The next day was also great, we both just slept and cuddled all day. At night we went out to get food and do some Top Golf. However, here comes the crappy part. Throughout those two days, I did notice that he would say he wanted to smoke a cigarette outside and I would just wait for him inside. That last night though, I innocently decided to go after him to accompany him. I snuck up to the car to prank him and what I saw was him holding aluminum foil. I think I was in a state of shock and just asked “What are you doing?” and he just said, “I relapsed.” I was being really nice to him, even giving him a kiss. I honestly don’t know what he said after like I said I was in shock but I do remember saying “Yeah, I mean I warned you that once you break my trust it's hard and near impossible to get it back.” To this, he just said “Yeah, I know. Do you want me to drive you home?” and I just told him that we should finish off the weekend and say goodbye. I cried in his arms for a bit and then we just fell asleep. The next morning, I was more distant and silent on the ride to be dropped off. It was super sad and I thought it was super final. He sent me a text apologizing and I sent him one back making myself clear about my feelings and the facts. But then a day later, I messed up. I texted him telling him how sad I was. Those texts turned into I miss yous and soon enough I was willing to give it another shot (he never asked me for one/nor pressured anything out of me). At this point though I had told everyone what had happened for accountability. And so they didn’t approve of him anymore. Whatsoever. So that weighed on my mind, the whole time we were trying to figure it out. We saw each other at one point and he was still recovering days after. I went over because I thought some rules and guidelines would make me feel more comfortable. But after asking him what exactly he did, and he said heroin, I think that made me question things again. I also asked him why he did what he did when I had warned him about it and knowing we were building something good, and he had no response to it.

I have really bad anxiety and so the indecision was weighing heavily on my entire day-to-day. I would tell him about this anxiety throughout his work day and I felt so bad. He told me that my going back and forth was hurting him. So finally, Friday last week, after talking to my therapist, I decided to end things fully. We were supposed to meet up that day but I gave him a call instead telling him that my anxiety was so so bad we had to end things. He said something about not messing with any other girls in the meantime and I told him not to give me any hope. That I had to try to move on fully. But I think that still stayed with me. He said stuff like "I like you too and I don’t really like a lot of people" and that broke my heart to pieces.

So yeah, after that, I’ve been trying my hardest to stick to no contact. But it’s been so hard, I’ve had insane urges to reach out and just ask how he is. I really thought he could’ve been my person because he checked so many other boxes for me and the chemistry was there. He was so so sweet. I loved seeing him talk about his nephews and nieces, his whole family. The way he was so considerate about me in anything he did. Even during sex, he always made sure I was ok. I felt so safe in his presence but had so much anxiety as soon as I left his side. So I know codependence was building there already. I just have these flashbacks that stab me any time of the day and send me into sobs. And I think that’s why I keep harboring hope that maybe just maybe after a month or so, maybe I’ll be better. That I'll be a bit more detached and we can try again. But my logical mind tells me that that’s such a huge risk. I believe him to a certain extent and I’ve never felt like this for anyone before.

So I guess with that said. Anything you can say to advise me, help me, or whatever in whichever direction will help. Is it worth it to keep that hope alive? Should I eventually try again? Or should I just fully give up on him? Even if you read this far, thanks. Please be nice and sensitive though, I’m only on day five of no contact and it’s still super raw.