Mr Text & Not Me
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Mr Text & Not Me
There's this guy I call "Mr Text." He's been around AA since I started going there some 10-12 years ago. As far as I can tell, he's a good guy, and as far as I know he's been sober for the entire time I've known him. He's the guy I called to take me to rehab at the start of 2020; he left work, drove a couple of hours up there, and stayed until he knew I was 'in.'
After I left rehab, Mr Text sent me at least one text/day, sometimes several. I would respond in kind - I thought it was really nice of him to sort of take some responsibility for... the life he saved, if you will. It didn't take long though for gooiness to enter the conversation. He started calling me things like "dear" and "sweetie;" and telling me that I was loved in a way that made me feel he might be putting the moves on me. I backed off of the texting, and eventually all of that stopped. Problem solved. Well, my problem was solved.
A month or so ago I ran into this young woman who I'd initially me in IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) - maybe about 5 years ago. She and I gravitated toward each other as IOP pals, struck up a friendship where we sometimes hung out, texted, and called. We started seeing each other at AA meetings once she moved to this area to live with her (addicted & abusive) boyfriend, who is not Mr Text, by the way. She continues to struggle but seems to now be willing to do the work; in fact she asked me to sponsor her. Of course I said yes after reminding her that I was just seven months sober this time around. That was not a problem. Then she went out a few more times, which I understand. It's a problem but it's not my problem; you know?
Here's the problem: my young friend is now "with" Mr Text. In fact, within a month of moving in with him, she and Mr Text are engaged. He's 67. She's 32. He's been sober for 12 years. She's lucky to get even a week sober. I think I know that Young Friend is transactional with men - he gives her a place to stay, so she responds by giving him a 'relationship.' I think I know that Mr Text is lonely and simply wants a wife. My honest (and perhaps incorrect) conclusion is that Mr Text and Young Friend have no business being in a romantic relationship with each other. In fact, I'm pretty sure Young Friend is impeding her own recovery by getting into these types of relationships. I've told her as much - not as a directive, just that this is my opinion/belief/truth.
I'm full of self-importance about this thing, and I want to let go of it. I am ready to work the steps with this woman, and in fact we've made a start. I truly believe/feel that she will not get better until she learns to let go of unhealthy ways of being in relationships. This will be clear when she gets back into therapy and /or does her 4th step, I'm sure. She knows she needs to be not drinking to make any progress with the steps and that I can't work with her while she's drinking. But Mr Text? He's not doing her any favors by enabling her by continuing in this relationship and moving her into his home and becoming engaged even while she continues to go out. What I want is for someone (preferably not me) to set him straight and tell him to stop moving in on women who are newly (or not quite) sober. I can't even speak with him right now; he's turned in my mind from 'nice and kinda creepy' to just plain predatory. It reminds me of being abused, and I just realized that when writing out my thoughts.
It is glaringly clear to me that this post is full of me and I. But I knew it would be, so that's why I'm here.
I'd like to know what you guys think.
O
After I left rehab, Mr Text sent me at least one text/day, sometimes several. I would respond in kind - I thought it was really nice of him to sort of take some responsibility for... the life he saved, if you will. It didn't take long though for gooiness to enter the conversation. He started calling me things like "dear" and "sweetie;" and telling me that I was loved in a way that made me feel he might be putting the moves on me. I backed off of the texting, and eventually all of that stopped. Problem solved. Well, my problem was solved.
A month or so ago I ran into this young woman who I'd initially me in IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) - maybe about 5 years ago. She and I gravitated toward each other as IOP pals, struck up a friendship where we sometimes hung out, texted, and called. We started seeing each other at AA meetings once she moved to this area to live with her (addicted & abusive) boyfriend, who is not Mr Text, by the way. She continues to struggle but seems to now be willing to do the work; in fact she asked me to sponsor her. Of course I said yes after reminding her that I was just seven months sober this time around. That was not a problem. Then she went out a few more times, which I understand. It's a problem but it's not my problem; you know?
Here's the problem: my young friend is now "with" Mr Text. In fact, within a month of moving in with him, she and Mr Text are engaged. He's 67. She's 32. He's been sober for 12 years. She's lucky to get even a week sober. I think I know that Young Friend is transactional with men - he gives her a place to stay, so she responds by giving him a 'relationship.' I think I know that Mr Text is lonely and simply wants a wife. My honest (and perhaps incorrect) conclusion is that Mr Text and Young Friend have no business being in a romantic relationship with each other. In fact, I'm pretty sure Young Friend is impeding her own recovery by getting into these types of relationships. I've told her as much - not as a directive, just that this is my opinion/belief/truth.
I'm full of self-importance about this thing, and I want to let go of it. I am ready to work the steps with this woman, and in fact we've made a start. I truly believe/feel that she will not get better until she learns to let go of unhealthy ways of being in relationships. This will be clear when she gets back into therapy and /or does her 4th step, I'm sure. She knows she needs to be not drinking to make any progress with the steps and that I can't work with her while she's drinking. But Mr Text? He's not doing her any favors by enabling her by continuing in this relationship and moving her into his home and becoming engaged even while she continues to go out. What I want is for someone (preferably not me) to set him straight and tell him to stop moving in on women who are newly (or not quite) sober. I can't even speak with him right now; he's turned in my mind from 'nice and kinda creepy' to just plain predatory. It reminds me of being abused, and I just realized that when writing out my thoughts.
It is glaringly clear to me that this post is full of me and I. But I knew it would be, so that's why I'm here.
I'd like to know what you guys think.
O
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Yuck, Obladi. Wow.
I'm new to this. You know a lot more than me.
I think you are correct about Mr. Text's predatory behavior. This is a recipe for pain and disaster (esp. for your friend). So, to me, this information is True, Necessary, and Loving. That means it should be spoken. Tell her your thoughts. Tell him your thoughts. They are adults and can do as they please, but I fear my spirit would not be still until I had said my Truth about this.
If my sponsor came to me and said, "I think your relationship with your SO is based on codependent need and fear, and I think you should get out of that relationship so that you can advance your sobriety," I would be hurt. Then, eventually, I would probably agree to some extent about the need and fear (I think ALL relationships have some of these issues) and consider my next best action. But I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't just give it up and do as I was told.
If that was a dealbreaker for my sponsor, then I would find a new sponsor. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and boundaries. You are entitled to yours. But this woman is entitled to your Truth. Would you still like to work with her if you tell her this and she chooses to remain in the relationship? That is absolutely your decision, but you can't really make it until you give her your Truth.
I'm new to this. You know a lot more than me.
I think you are correct about Mr. Text's predatory behavior. This is a recipe for pain and disaster (esp. for your friend). So, to me, this information is True, Necessary, and Loving. That means it should be spoken. Tell her your thoughts. Tell him your thoughts. They are adults and can do as they please, but I fear my spirit would not be still until I had said my Truth about this.
If my sponsor came to me and said, "I think your relationship with your SO is based on codependent need and fear, and I think you should get out of that relationship so that you can advance your sobriety," I would be hurt. Then, eventually, I would probably agree to some extent about the need and fear (I think ALL relationships have some of these issues) and consider my next best action. But I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't just give it up and do as I was told.
If that was a dealbreaker for my sponsor, then I would find a new sponsor. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and boundaries. You are entitled to yours. But this woman is entitled to your Truth. Would you still like to work with her if you tell her this and she chooses to remain in the relationship? That is absolutely your decision, but you can't really make it until you give her your Truth.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, TC.
She knows how I feel - just not the extent of it. And yes, we’ll talk more about this if she wants to work with me. Continuing to work with her is not contingent on her relationship; I just have little hope she will stay sober if she remains with him.
Really, I just don’t know how to handle my disgust at him. Right now, I just avoid him like the plague. Much like I do with my brother the abuser. Feels in some way… dysfunctional for me to do that. In both cases.
She knows how I feel - just not the extent of it. And yes, we’ll talk more about this if she wants to work with me. Continuing to work with her is not contingent on her relationship; I just have little hope she will stay sober if she remains with him.
Really, I just don’t know how to handle my disgust at him. Right now, I just avoid him like the plague. Much like I do with my brother the abuser. Feels in some way… dysfunctional for me to do that. In both cases.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
Perhaps you're not the right sponsor for this person. It's ok to tell her that you support her in finding another sponsor because you can't be objective about her situation. I actually think none of this is your business and you should stay out of it. I understand your concern, however she is a grown adult in her 30's, not an 18 year old with limited life experience.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hey Obladi,
yuck is right!
looks to me there are at least a couple of separate issues here, though probably more than that. the glaring two i see are your sponsor/sponsee relationship and then your feelings about him and what he’s doing.
the latter is your issue, but what the sponsee does is not. she will have to learn from her own experience. as sponsor, your “job” is to guide through stepwork. if she’s asking you to be a lifecoach, that’s outside the scope. if you’re concerned about her choices (and yeah, yikes, lots of reasons to be), then yeah, i’d do as you did and communicate that. which you’ve done. after that, if you feel involved with her choices in such a way that it interferes with the more straightforward sponsorship relationship, then this would be on you to excuse yourself. and if you’re friends, there might be good reason there not to sponsor already.
all that being said….obv they can’t be having any kind of equal relationship, a long-sober older guy and a young person barely able to string a few days together.
i have a young friend who stumbles from disastrous relationship to disastrous relationship. i am not her sponsor, though she asks me occasionally if she can use me as a temporary one. it is very hard to watch someone you care about make self-destructive choices. even if they’re not even our kids🙁
in your situation, i’d find it too weirdly triangular to be this woman’s sponsor. too…..intimately involved in a trio of sorts.
be well, O.
yuck is right!
looks to me there are at least a couple of separate issues here, though probably more than that. the glaring two i see are your sponsor/sponsee relationship and then your feelings about him and what he’s doing.
the latter is your issue, but what the sponsee does is not. she will have to learn from her own experience. as sponsor, your “job” is to guide through stepwork. if she’s asking you to be a lifecoach, that’s outside the scope. if you’re concerned about her choices (and yeah, yikes, lots of reasons to be), then yeah, i’d do as you did and communicate that. which you’ve done. after that, if you feel involved with her choices in such a way that it interferes with the more straightforward sponsorship relationship, then this would be on you to excuse yourself. and if you’re friends, there might be good reason there not to sponsor already.
all that being said….obv they can’t be having any kind of equal relationship, a long-sober older guy and a young person barely able to string a few days together.
i have a young friend who stumbles from disastrous relationship to disastrous relationship. i am not her sponsor, though she asks me occasionally if she can use me as a temporary one. it is very hard to watch someone you care about make self-destructive choices. even if they’re not even our kids🙁
in your situation, i’d find it too weirdly triangular to be this woman’s sponsor. too…..intimately involved in a trio of sorts.
be well, O.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks you guys.
These two are not part of my social circle. I feel a kinship with the woman; it's one of those things where I can just "feel" close to someone even when I don't know them yet. I don't have (and never have had) what I would call a kinship with Mr Text (aside from our affinity via AA). What I do have is gratitude that he helped me when I needed it and similarly has helped her. And what else I have is that deep-seated feeling that she and I could become lasting friends one day.
I don't feel entwined at all, and I do not have any hesitancy at all about sponsoring this woman straight out of the book. That's what worked for me- aided by wisdom found in unexpected nooks and crannies in and out of the rooms. In fact, I think it's going to be a really good experience for both of us - because we think so much alike, we're bound to ask good questions together and find some answers, too. This commitment to sponsorship is not at all related to her relationship with Mr Text.
Perhaps what I should have said more clearly in my original post is that I was looking for a way to "correct" Mr Text. Like... If he had a sponsor, surely that person would set him straight. But he doesn't, so I don't know... someone (who can't be me) should. That's all. It's my indignance at the Wrongness of this situation that was getting to me. I do have this bothersome Sense of What Is Right that chimes in, even when I have learned that I don't have any idea of what is Right - or even if there is such a thing. Your feedback helped me to puzzle this out, so thank you. Now that I've uncovered the root of my dis-ease, I think I'm ok.
O
These two are not part of my social circle. I feel a kinship with the woman; it's one of those things where I can just "feel" close to someone even when I don't know them yet. I don't have (and never have had) what I would call a kinship with Mr Text (aside from our affinity via AA). What I do have is gratitude that he helped me when I needed it and similarly has helped her. And what else I have is that deep-seated feeling that she and I could become lasting friends one day.
I don't feel entwined at all, and I do not have any hesitancy at all about sponsoring this woman straight out of the book. That's what worked for me- aided by wisdom found in unexpected nooks and crannies in and out of the rooms. In fact, I think it's going to be a really good experience for both of us - because we think so much alike, we're bound to ask good questions together and find some answers, too. This commitment to sponsorship is not at all related to her relationship with Mr Text.
Perhaps what I should have said more clearly in my original post is that I was looking for a way to "correct" Mr Text. Like... If he had a sponsor, surely that person would set him straight. But he doesn't, so I don't know... someone (who can't be me) should. That's all. It's my indignance at the Wrongness of this situation that was getting to me. I do have this bothersome Sense of What Is Right that chimes in, even when I have learned that I don't have any idea of what is Right - or even if there is such a thing. Your feedback helped me to puzzle this out, so thank you. Now that I've uncovered the root of my dis-ease, I think I'm ok.
O
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
I think you ought to leave them 2 alone and let them learn for themselves. Go find another newcomer who wants to get into the steps.
my sponsor tells me what they do in none of my business...he is right...live and let live in other words
situations like that can make us sick and eventually ruin our joy in sobriety. Keep coming back and you will run into hundreds of em
If a sponsee don`t want to work the steps with me I leave them alone and look for someone else.They will sometimes suck the life out of you
pray for them both,treat them like red hot resentments
my sponsor tells me what they do in none of my business...he is right...live and let live in other words
situations like that can make us sick and eventually ruin our joy in sobriety. Keep coming back and you will run into hundreds of em
If a sponsee don`t want to work the steps with me I leave them alone and look for someone else.They will sometimes suck the life out of you
pray for them both,treat them like red hot resentments
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
ah, well. we all gave you useless feedback then ;-)
here’s an opinion re what appears to be your question, then, which is how to “correct” Mr Text: not your job. not your place.
and i’ll point out that you are entwined enough to come here and ask for input; you have strong feelings of one sort or another. in a situation like this, i’d want to question myself along the lines of a step 4 and see why i’m so affected.
if Mr Text had a sponsor…not their job to “set a sponsee straight”, either.
here’s an opinion re what appears to be your question, then, which is how to “correct” Mr Text: not your job. not your place.
and i’ll point out that you are entwined enough to come here and ask for input; you have strong feelings of one sort or another. in a situation like this, i’d want to question myself along the lines of a step 4 and see why i’m so affected.
if Mr Text had a sponsor…not their job to “set a sponsee straight”, either.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Huhn, fini. I wouldn't say that at all; I would say that my internal response to everyone's feedback helped me to identify the locus of my dis-ease with this situation. I suppose it's fair that people would think that I was seeking sponsoring advice; after all, I posted my thread in a 12-step forum. 
It all works out, though - I think I posted in the right place. When I go back and re-read, I see that the crux of the matter was in the last line of my original post. Something was bothering me, so obviously I had something to examine (Step 4). I came here to tell you all about it (Step 5). Through contemplation and awareness (Step 11), I intuitively know how to handle this situation (9th Step promises).
My thanks for everyone's feedback was and remains sincere.
It all works out, though - I think I posted in the right place. When I go back and re-read, I see that the crux of the matter was in the last line of my original post. Something was bothering me, so obviously I had something to examine (Step 4). I came here to tell you all about it (Step 5). Through contemplation and awareness (Step 11), I intuitively know how to handle this situation (9th Step promises).
My thanks for everyone's feedback was and remains sincere.
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