Shouldgo

My story is the same as a lot I have read on here so no need for a long backstory!
together 25 years, married for 20, I guess I always knew there was a problem just was not sure I could do better at the time so I settled.
AH is your stereotypical alcoholic, stereotypical narcissist and has depression and daddy issues. I might sound cold but I am just over it all really.

my problem is I just don’t know how to leave.

We have two surprisingly well adjusted teenagers that know exactly who he is and don’t really know why I stuck around all these years, I just did.
we don’t fight or yell and scream at each other but I know the tension in the house gets very thick sometimes. I tend to defuse by just taking the bs he is dishing out and playing happy wife to keep the peace. I also know I spend years being incredibly angry and mostly taking that anger out on the kids, we have talked about it now. I am not angry anymore really, just fed up. Tired of the lies, the broken promises and the exhaustion of doing everything. He has not worked for over a year now and this is his 3rd time taking an extended leave. Luckily I make enough to support us all but that was not always the case. I am recently debt free from his last at home stint, only took 5 years to pay off!

his depression has gotten worse since his dad passed away in 2020 but he absolutely refuses to get any help he also has no interest in going to AA or rehab, just keeps saying he can do it by himself. He did for about 3 years about 8 years ago now but has not lasted more than a couple of weeks since then. He also hid it and still mostly does, I do often ask him if he thinks is we are stupid and done notice when he is drunk! He has often told me I am the reason he has to hide it… lovely eh!

I have been ready to go for a while, just never can pull the plug, I guess I am your stereotypical codependent that way. My fear is that he will kill himself mostly. I know that will not be my fault but it will be a direct result of my actions and my brain cannot tell the difference for some reason. He has vocalized wanting to end it all many time over the years and I guess it just really scares me that he will. Irish catholic guilt sucks…

Anyway, I am just stuck, not knowing what to do is all I think about, I wake up thinking about it and fall asleep thinking about what and how to do it.

any advice is much appreciated

Dee74

welcome shouldgo
I understand the fear of what your partner might do if you leave, but it sounds like your partner might be actively using that as a reason for you to stay?

Manipulation is not healthy.

If you have good reasons to leave,...don't let your own what ifs, or veiled what ifs from your partner, stop you from living the happy life you were born to lead

there's a lot of advice and links here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)

D

Shouldgo

Thanks Dee!

there is a lot of information in that post so I will go through it

I am ready to live the life I want! Just need to put my big girl pants and get to it!!

trailmix

If you haven't already read Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might find it really helpful, just in terms of changing your thinking about your role in his life.

I have a suggestion. At some point during the day, go to your front door. Open it and just stand at the door way. Now just let your mind wander. That door is open, the only thing holding you back is your own prison. I don't mean to sound all "airy fairy" but honestly, it is that simple. You are a free person, you are not your Husband's keeper. Sure, he has lots of issues, which he won't get help for, but those are not your issues, he is a grown man, a separate person.

If you could fix what ails him, he would be a fine, upstanding (working) citizen. You can't, you never could. Staying or leaving, it really is just your choice.

Until you leave there will be no way for the FOG to clear, (fear, obligation, guilt). If you are still stuck, trying taking a week or two away, give yourself time to see things really clearly.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

velma929

Can you afford an apartment for a few months, to live separately until a divorce is finalized?

Eauchiche

One way to look at this, is financially.
I have known "couples" who only stay together for financial reasons. In your case, it appears that the opposite is true.

sage1969

My question for you: how do you stay?

Making lists seems to clarify situations. Make a list of everything that is no longer comfortable or acceptable to you (things your qualifier has said, done, or situations / conditions he's created or allowed to continue). Make a second list of what you want from this life (how you want to live, what you want to do or experience, how you want to spend your resources -- money, time, emotions). Take an honest look at if anything in these two lists intersect each other. You already know he can't / won't change. Only you can change things in your life.

BellaBlue

After 14 years of the BS, I divorced him - and he did die 1.5 years later of an alcohol/drug OD. I never felt guilty, just relief. He made our lives (and his) miserable and the death was inevitable, whether I was there or not.

I made a list: pros and cons of staying/leaving. That actually helped me to clarify. I went to a few Alanon meetings, too. I realized I had my own issues to deal with, but the 3 C's sunk into my brain: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. When you really believe that, you will make the right decision for yourself.

dandylion

Shouldgo........I am giving you a following link to a website that I think that will help you get started.
It is listed by state-----and it deals with most issues that will probably be involved. It is not to replace legal advice, but it can help you organize your thinking and help you know what questions to ask your lawyer. This is good information gathering.

Obvioulsly, you absolutely need to have legal advice-----that is the smart thing to do---as you need to protect yourself and it is essential to know your rights as well as his!
Knowledge is power.

dandylion

Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com

Here is that link

SmallButMighty

I Shouldgo. Wow, 10 years ago, I was you. Two and a half decades into a relationship with my (depressed, alcoholic) high school sweetheart, with two teenagers and a growing knowledge that; the life I was existing in, was not how I wanted to spend the second half of my life. It was a crappy place to be in, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically despite there being no physical abuse taking place. The longer I stayed and allowed his manipulative talk of "wanting to just end it all" infect my thoughts, day in and day out...while he lied, hid booze and drove drunk.. the deeper my own despair and anxiety became.

It wasn't until I started to spend time away from the dysfunction that I started to see things more clearly. It wasn't something that happened overnight, it took me a few years to get it all figured out. But I started small, learning all I could about codependency and changing my own ways. Learning to erect boundaries and enforce them. Spending time apart from him.. first for a few days here and there, and then vacationing without him. I once extended a two week visit to my cousin's house in a different country by an extra week because my work schedule (thankfully) got changed. It was one of my defining realizations; I didn't miss him and his chaos, but I WAS going to miss the serenity NOT being around him had brought to me in those couple weeks.. that was pretty telling. The clarity one can gain by not dealing with the constant drama is amazing. I highly suggest, as others have, that you carve out some alone time, or if that can't be done, maybe take the kids and go on a mom and kids only adventure for a few days and see how much less stressful it can be. To be be clear, it isn't about just taking a break from the addict, it's about taking a break from ourselves constantly fretting over them and their antics. It also isn't about " punishing" your spouse by excluding them. It's about self care, and it is 100% OK that you do that for yourself. I'm at the point in my life now, 8+ years out, that I wouldn't just say, "It's OK", I view it as imperative.... Like Trailmix said, you can't see through the fog when you are standing in the thick of it....

Glad you found us, I hope you continue to hang out!

P.S. I also can't recommend , Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie enough. Because of that book and this website, my life is beyond better than it was ten years ago.

sage1969

There's something to allowing our bodies and minds a break away from our qualifiers. I noticed a few weeks after AH passed that I was coming down off that constant adrenaline high that I'd lived in before, never knowing what was going to walk in the door, or when. Our bodies just aren't designed to have that constant flood of hormones. When that eased off and I started sleeping again, my body started to heal and it was easier to take a look at my codependency and trauma issues.

Shouldgo

Thank you all for your advice and kind words, it means the world to me.

@dandylion - this is a great link, I will read through the advice for sure. I have found a similar one for Canada and have bookmarked it now. I am lucky to work for a great company and have access to legal advice for free so will take advantage of that and make myself an appointment.

@SmallButMighty - I am so glad to here of your personal success story as yes it does sound a lot like mine. I actually have started doing things for and by myself just this year and it has made a huge difference in my mental clarity. I was able to travel to Spain for a week and also did a cruise with my parents and left him at home both times, what a refreshing time to not have to walk on egg shells the whole time! I think this is something that has also gotten me to where I am at now. I have seen a glimpse of what I could have and am struggling to 'settle' for what I have now... not a bad thing!!

I will continue to read posts here and know that I am not alone, I am going to see if I can find a therapist and hopefully be able to go back to the Alanon group I went to BC (before covid...)

Rachel1411

I understand completely how you feel. I left in 2018 after a 36-year marriage when my then-husband's alcoholism became more than I could bear. I too was, at first, wracked with guilt, but a visit to a therapist helped me overcome that. When he died of liver failure in 2020, I felt sad but not guilty. A few things to remember:
- Your husband is a grown adult and can choose how to live his own life. He has the right to choose to drink. You have the right to choose not to live with an alcoholic.
- You are not his mother; you are his wife.
- Nothing you do or say will ever make him stop. That has to be his own decision and journey.
- Many alcoholics threaten suicide. Mine did too. He never did actually attempt it, other than drinking himself to death.
- Alcoholism is progressive, and when they reach the final stages, it can get ugly and even dangerous. What you're experiencing now will only get worse.
- As a spouse, you share the consequences of his behavior. You've already said he doesn't work. Does he drive drunk? Does he threaten your financial future as well as your mental health?
- This is your one and only life. You don't get a second chance. Decide how you want to live and move toward that goal.
I wish you all the best in your journey. You are stronger than you know.

Spinner-007

You'll get to the place of leaving when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I became enlightened to my ex-wife's addiction in 2007, and tried everything(talking, pleading, threatening and not following through, you name it), even kicking her out in 2015. She came back changed(or so I thought) after 8 months, but quickly went back to old habits(booze, pills, hiding it, etc).

After multiple run ins with the law(thefts/traffic) and a violent episode involving me and almost spilling over to the kids, I finally had her removed from the home last year, and the divorce has been finalized this past July.

You're still in a place that hasn't hit the tipping point. It's the point that's rather dramatic (accident, physical abuse, etc), and sends you down the path of having to do something because you need to as the option to stay is no longer viable to you.

And that's the problem, because alcoholism is a progressive but painfully so. It insidiously creeps into the relationship and we as loved ones find ways to cope/survive/accept crappy situations and we learn to deal with living in those situations because 'it hasn't gotten that bad yet'. The harsh reality is that the progression always gets progressively WORSE, not the other way around.

Wait around as long as you like. I did for almost 6 years after I made her leave the first time. The hard cold truth is I should have never taken her back after she was kicked out the first time.

I sincerely hope you find your tipping point a lot sooner than a lot later. Just remember that we never get back any of that time we spend waiting for it to happen...

Heartbroken31

Hi, im really sorry this is happening to you. My situation is different as my AH left me 7 weeks ago leaving me with all the blame and telling everyone he can that I controlled him and bullied him all his life (23 years). I don't think either way to split is easy or better. Im heartbroken that the man I loved has become what he is but reading other peoples stories is helping me to understand that if he had stayed I would be the one picking up the mess and it would spill over onto our 3 children. Im sure it will get better and I need to find the stregnth to keep him away and be happy on my own.
Your story has really resonated with me and shown me that actually what he has done could be a blessing. Stick around on the forum. These guys have been great and while sometimes someone can tell you something you don't want to hear. I think its also important to hear it. I haven't got anymore advice than that if im honest. My head is all over the place and I have no comforting words of wisdom.
I hope you find the courage and stregnth to live your life happily and healthily and move on. I hope that for me too..

Seren

I've never been married to an alcoholic, but I do know that it is a family disease that affects generations. I am living proof of that. Alcoholism runs rampant through my mother's family.

I believe in marriage when it is not already irretrievably broken. It sounds as though your husband has never truly been a marriage partner. You have every right to be 'over it'. It sounds as though your life and the lives of your children have been impacted to a great extent. When your own frustration and anger boils over onto your children, it is time for a new path. Trust me. I was that child raised in a dysfunctional home impacted by alcoholism, and there wasn't active alcoholism in my home. But my mother was a classic adult child of alcoholics. Her anger and dysfunction have impacted my sister and I in profound and insidious ways.

There is hope for you and your children. There is even hope for your husband, but he will have to work toward that himself. No amount of talking, threatening, cajoling, or tears will make a difference in his behavior. He alone will decide if and when he will stop.

I know it is scary. I've been divorced as well. One day, one decision, one task at a time can lead you to a peaceful and bright future! Keep coming here for support and information any time it is needed. You've found a great community!

VickersLemmy

It sounds like you've put your needs to the side for so long. I really hope you get the courage to do whats right for you. He seems adamant about not getting support, help. There's nothing you can do until he chooses to change. You can decide if you want your life to change, however. Please, I hope you put yourself first, no more back burner for you.

I knew things were tipping over with my alcohlic ex boyfriend. He, too, had depression. He seldom had energy to do anything, on the depression front, and would drink very hard on weekends. He'd go through withdrawl on Sunday up to Wednesday, making his energy levels even worse, and the cycle would repeat. I asked him to get help for it, simply talk with a counsellor with all his trauma and issues. I loved him dearly, I hated to see him treat himself so poorly. But I knew this uneven relationship dynamic and his lack of effort and contribution couldn't last, I was getting so burnout and exhausted, more and more frustrated and resentful...

He said we couldn't afford it, he didn't want medication, all the excuses. I started looking up ideas, started making plans to accomodate his drinking habits and depression. I proposed a modified work idea - he works three days a week to help with groceries and living expenses, he'd get to pick the days according to his 'energy levels'. My extreme accomodating ideas made me realize things were going sideways. This modified work plan wouldn't address the core issue, only prolong his drinking and avoiding dealing with his issues. At the cost of my mental health, my ever-increasing depletion of energy. I had reached a point where I didn't want to continue this, live like this. My tipping point happened - he broke my phone in a fit of anger and broke in our bedroom door when I locked him out to pack, change, leave for the night because I was scared.

I was looking up 'when to leave an alcoholic' and 'how to keep boundaries firm'. I think when you get to the point of asking how to get through this, or how to leave, its time.

I'm sending you lots of strength and a hug - I hope you look out for number one <3 I told my ex I loved him, but I love myself more. I hope you have the same sentiment, you're strong and capable of standing on your own without the stress.