My Mum And Dad Are Going To Relapse Again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
My Mum And Dad Are Going To Relapse Again.
I’m 19 years old, i have no siblings, my main support is friends and my boyfriend, i live partly at home but mostly in university accomodation during term time.
my parents, both mum and dad, have heavily drank since i can remember. it’s been a real issue, they have had periods of on and off but when they drink it can cause arguments that turn violent and a genuine distance in the family of course - this is almost unbearable for me to cope with.
right now they have been both sober from alcohol 7 months. and yesterday my dad says he really wants to have a pint of beer (which made me extremely uneasy, i laughed it off as if to say don’t be silly you’ve made so much progress) today i overhear my mum and dad very vaguely for me to not overhear, discussing that it wouldn’t be that bad for them to drink 1-2 times a week, as long as they stop and look after themselves etc. this is extremely highly unlikely, they obviously will slip back into binge drinking - when i heard this my stomach dropped. i am so scared, they both have had rehabilitation treatment and my mum even had a medical detox for alcohol i believe, i just don’t know what to do. it doesn’t help that every time i seem to mention alcoholism, my parents (dad in particular) gets extremely defensive , ‘i’m not an alcoholic!’ ‘it’s non of your buisness!’ ‘why do you care!’ - what can i do in this situation, i am extremely scared !!!! this is a huge burden on me.
my parents, both mum and dad, have heavily drank since i can remember. it’s been a real issue, they have had periods of on and off but when they drink it can cause arguments that turn violent and a genuine distance in the family of course - this is almost unbearable for me to cope with.
right now they have been both sober from alcohol 7 months. and yesterday my dad says he really wants to have a pint of beer (which made me extremely uneasy, i laughed it off as if to say don’t be silly you’ve made so much progress) today i overhear my mum and dad very vaguely for me to not overhear, discussing that it wouldn’t be that bad for them to drink 1-2 times a week, as long as they stop and look after themselves etc. this is extremely highly unlikely, they obviously will slip back into binge drinking - when i heard this my stomach dropped. i am so scared, they both have had rehabilitation treatment and my mum even had a medical detox for alcohol i believe, i just don’t know what to do. it doesn’t help that every time i seem to mention alcoholism, my parents (dad in particular) gets extremely defensive , ‘i’m not an alcoholic!’ ‘it’s non of your buisness!’ ‘why do you care!’ - what can i do in this situation, i am extremely scared !!!! this is a huge burden on me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
evien.......welcome to the forum!
I can eompletely understand how awful it feels for you to be in that kind of environment, in your home. In fact, it has got to be very wearing on your mental health.
You are at such a pivotal age---time in your life---and you do not deserve to be subjected to the kind of damage that living in the home with alcoholism can do to a person.
Even though I can see that you care, very much------here is a fact of life that you are going to need to understand----
You have no control over your parents and the choices that THEY make. You only have choices over the ones that you make.
In these parts, we say, about your parents' alcoholism---
The 3 Cs----
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and, you can't Cure it. You need to even stop trying (for your own good).
I am going to give you some very straightforward suggestions----as I would give any young person of your age, in your circumstnces.
1. I believe that it is time that you not be livifng in your parent's home at all, as your home base. When not during the term at University---you need notto be living in your poarent's hme. It is damaging to you and it doesn't help them at all! You need to become independ of them.
2. You need some more support, for yourself. That is going to become essential for you, right now. I suggest that you jpin the group--"Adult Children of Alcoholics". You can get in touch with that group by doing a google search. You can, slso, join a group that they have on facebook.
At least---get their "Big Book" and their other literature ---and read it. Study it. You can get this material on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alsoholics"
The people in this group have all walked in your same shoes, with alcoholic parents!
3. Seek a counselor through the student services at the University. They can offer you support, also.
I am, also, going to give you the following advice that I give to any young woman of your age. This is a very vulnerable and pivotal time in your life----and decisions made, at this time, can, potentially have effects on your future life.
Avoid---avoid---becoming dependent on your boyfriend for your sense of security. An, it goes without saying---avoid pregnancy at all costs.
Make your top priority to get your education and gain the tools for your future independence and caring for your own mental health.
This should be one of the best and most adventurous time of your life---you need to be free to enjoy it without the burden of responsibilities of others. There will be enough time for all of that, in the coming years...lol....
I can eompletely understand how awful it feels for you to be in that kind of environment, in your home. In fact, it has got to be very wearing on your mental health.
You are at such a pivotal age---time in your life---and you do not deserve to be subjected to the kind of damage that living in the home with alcoholism can do to a person.
Even though I can see that you care, very much------here is a fact of life that you are going to need to understand----
You have no control over your parents and the choices that THEY make. You only have choices over the ones that you make.
In these parts, we say, about your parents' alcoholism---
The 3 Cs----
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and, you can't Cure it. You need to even stop trying (for your own good).
I am going to give you some very straightforward suggestions----as I would give any young person of your age, in your circumstnces.
1. I believe that it is time that you not be livifng in your parent's home at all, as your home base. When not during the term at University---you need notto be living in your poarent's hme. It is damaging to you and it doesn't help them at all! You need to become independ of them.
2. You need some more support, for yourself. That is going to become essential for you, right now. I suggest that you jpin the group--"Adult Children of Alcoholics". You can get in touch with that group by doing a google search. You can, slso, join a group that they have on facebook.
At least---get their "Big Book" and their other literature ---and read it. Study it. You can get this material on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alsoholics"
The people in this group have all walked in your same shoes, with alcoholic parents!
3. Seek a counselor through the student services at the University. They can offer you support, also.
I am, also, going to give you the following advice that I give to any young woman of your age. This is a very vulnerable and pivotal time in your life----and decisions made, at this time, can, potentially have effects on your future life.
Avoid---avoid---becoming dependent on your boyfriend for your sense of security. An, it goes without saying---avoid pregnancy at all costs.
Make your top priority to get your education and gain the tools for your future independence and caring for your own mental health.
This should be one of the best and most adventurous time of your life---you need to be free to enjoy it without the burden of responsibilities of others. There will be enough time for all of that, in the coming years...lol....
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I would also gently suggest that this might be a great time to begin living on your own. This can be pricey, so perhaps be open to renting a room instead of a flat, or finding a situation where you caretake property / gardening, etc.
I'd also suggest that as you are young with relatively few responsibilities (family, children, pets) that you say yes to as many experiences as possible: travel, join interest groups (hiking, drama, service -- whatever interests you or something you've never tried), throw yourself into your studies . . . these are days when you can really explore the world around you, make new friends, network for future educational and career opportunities.
Sometimes the universe opens doors for us and when we're reluctant to peak out, circumstances push us through. Perhaps take this blessing in disguise as an opportunity to live in a healthy and true - to - yourself way.
(I hope that you can see that only you can make choices about you and how you live your life, just as only your parents can make choices about themselves and how they live their lives. You can love your parents (from afar), and care about them (they are your parents), without engaging in codependent enabling. If you can break this intergenerational cycle by healing and not continuing to be involved, you heal this for the generations that follow you).
I'd also suggest that as you are young with relatively few responsibilities (family, children, pets) that you say yes to as many experiences as possible: travel, join interest groups (hiking, drama, service -- whatever interests you or something you've never tried), throw yourself into your studies . . . these are days when you can really explore the world around you, make new friends, network for future educational and career opportunities.
Sometimes the universe opens doors for us and when we're reluctant to peak out, circumstances push us through. Perhaps take this blessing in disguise as an opportunity to live in a healthy and true - to - yourself way.
(I hope that you can see that only you can make choices about you and how you live your life, just as only your parents can make choices about themselves and how they live their lives. You can love your parents (from afar), and care about them (they are your parents), without engaging in codependent enabling. If you can break this intergenerational cycle by healing and not continuing to be involved, you heal this for the generations that follow you).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
hi evien, glad you found the forum.
Dandylion is so right, you can't control what they do.
I had an alcoholic Father, there were no relapses - because he never quit!
Ideally you can move somewhere else. Not sure what your financial status is, or if you are still in school, but making a plan is a good idea. Are there perhaps other family members you would live with?
There is nothing good about living in an alcoholic household, everyone gets dragged in to it.
Do you have any avenues you can take with regard to living arrangements?
Dandylion is so right, you can't control what they do.
I had an alcoholic Father, there were no relapses - because he never quit!
Ideally you can move somewhere else. Not sure what your financial status is, or if you are still in school, but making a plan is a good idea. Are there perhaps other family members you would live with?
There is nothing good about living in an alcoholic household, everyone gets dragged in to it.
Do you have any avenues you can take with regard to living arrangements?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by sage1969 
I would also gently suggest that this might be a great time to begin living on your own. This can be pricey, so perhaps be open to renting a room instead of a flat, or finding a situation where you caretake property / gardening, etc.
I'd also suggest that as you are young with relatively few responsibilities (family, children, pets) that you say yes to as many experiences as possible: travel, join interest groups (hiking, drama, service -- whatever interests you or something you've never tried), throw yourself into your studies . . . these are days when you can really explore the world around you, make new friends, network for future educational and career opportunities.
Sometimes the universe opens doors for us and when we're reluctant to peak out, circumstances push us through. Perhaps take this blessing in disguise as an opportunity to live in a healthy and true - to - yourself way.
(I hope that you can see that only you can make choices about you and how you live your life, just as only your parents can make choices about themselves and how they live their lives. You can love your parents (from afar), and care about them (they are your parents), without engaging in codependent enabling. If you can break this intergenerational cycle by healing and not continuing to be involved, you heal this for the generations that follow you).
I'd also suggest that as you are young with relatively few responsibilities (family, children, pets) that you say yes to as many experiences as possible: travel, join interest groups (hiking, drama, service -- whatever interests you or something you've never tried), throw yourself into your studies . . . these are days when you can really explore the world around you, make new friends, network for future educational and career opportunities.
Sometimes the universe opens doors for us and when we're reluctant to peak out, circumstances push us through. Perhaps take this blessing in disguise as an opportunity to live in a healthy and true - to - yourself way.
(I hope that you can see that only you can make choices about you and how you live your life, just as only your parents can make choices about themselves and how they live their lives. You can love your parents (from afar), and care about them (they are your parents), without engaging in codependent enabling. If you can break this intergenerational cycle by healing and not continuing to be involved, you heal this for the generations that follow you).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
hi evien, glad you found the forum.
Dandylion is so right, you can't control what they do.
I had an alcoholic Father, there were no relapses - because he never quit!
Ideally you can move somewhere else. Not sure what your financial status is, or if you are still in school, but making a plan is a good idea. Are there perhaps other family members you would live with?
There is nothing good about living in an alcoholic household, everyone gets dragged in to it.
Do you have any avenues you can take with regard to living arrangements?
Dandylion is so right, you can't control what they do.
I had an alcoholic Father, there were no relapses - because he never quit!
Ideally you can move somewhere else. Not sure what your financial status is, or if you are still in school, but making a plan is a good idea. Are there perhaps other family members you would live with?
There is nothing good about living in an alcoholic household, everyone gets dragged in to it.
Do you have any avenues you can take with regard to living arrangements?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
evien.......welcome to the forum!
I can eompletely understand how awful it feels for you to be in that kind of environment, in your home. In fact, it has got to be very wearing on your mental health.
You are at such a pivotal age---time in your life---and you do not deserve to be subjected to the kind of damage that living in the home with alcoholism can do to a person.
Even though I can see that you care, very much------here is a fact of life that you are going to need to understand----
You have no control over your parents and the choices that THEY make. You only have choices over the ones that you make.
In these parts, we say, about your parents' alcoholism---
The 3 Cs----
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and, you can't Cure it. You need to even stop trying (for your own good).
I am going to give you some very straightforward suggestions----as I would give any young person of your age, in your circumstnces.
1. I believe that it is time that you not be livifng in your parent's home at all, as your home base. When not during the term at University---you need notto be living in your poarent's hme. It is damaging to you and it doesn't help them at all! You need to become independ of them.
2. You need some more support, for yourself. That is going to become essential for you, right now. I suggest that you jpin the group--"Adult Children of Alcoholics". You can get in touch with that group by doing a google search. You can, slso, join a group that they have on facebook.
At least---get their "Big Book" and their other literature ---and read it. Study it. You can get this material on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alsoholics"
The people in this group have all walked in your same shoes, with alcoholic parents!
3. Seek a counselor through the student services at the University. They can offer you support, also.
I am, also, going to give you the following advice that I give to any young woman of your age. This is a very vulnerable and pivotal time in your life----and decisions made, at this time, can, potentially have effects on your future life.
Avoid---avoid---becoming dependent on your boyfriend for your sense of security. An, it goes without saying---avoid pregnancy at all costs.
Make your top priority to get your education and gain the tools for your future independence and caring for your own mental health.
This should be one of the best and most adventurous time of your life---you need to be free to enjoy it without the burden of responsibilities of others. There will be enough time for all of that, in the coming years...lol....
I can eompletely understand how awful it feels for you to be in that kind of environment, in your home. In fact, it has got to be very wearing on your mental health.
You are at such a pivotal age---time in your life---and you do not deserve to be subjected to the kind of damage that living in the home with alcoholism can do to a person.
Even though I can see that you care, very much------here is a fact of life that you are going to need to understand----
You have no control over your parents and the choices that THEY make. You only have choices over the ones that you make.
In these parts, we say, about your parents' alcoholism---
The 3 Cs----
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and, you can't Cure it. You need to even stop trying (for your own good).
I am going to give you some very straightforward suggestions----as I would give any young person of your age, in your circumstnces.
1. I believe that it is time that you not be livifng in your parent's home at all, as your home base. When not during the term at University---you need notto be living in your poarent's hme. It is damaging to you and it doesn't help them at all! You need to become independ of them.
2. You need some more support, for yourself. That is going to become essential for you, right now. I suggest that you jpin the group--"Adult Children of Alcoholics". You can get in touch with that group by doing a google search. You can, slso, join a group that they have on facebook.
At least---get their "Big Book" and their other literature ---and read it. Study it. You can get this material on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alsoholics"
The people in this group have all walked in your same shoes, with alcoholic parents!
3. Seek a counselor through the student services at the University. They can offer you support, also.
I am, also, going to give you the following advice that I give to any young woman of your age. This is a very vulnerable and pivotal time in your life----and decisions made, at this time, can, potentially have effects on your future life.
Avoid---avoid---becoming dependent on your boyfriend for your sense of security. An, it goes without saying---avoid pregnancy at all costs.
Make your top priority to get your education and gain the tools for your future independence and caring for your own mental health.
This should be one of the best and most adventurous time of your life---you need to be free to enjoy it without the burden of responsibilities of others. There will be enough time for all of that, in the coming years...lol....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by evien285
yes i have somewhere to go, which i am going to next week, my apartment at university which is safe for me as i am only visiting home because of summer break. i just wish it wasn’t this way, i genuinely do like spending time with my (sober parents). thank you for your caring reply.
When dandylion talked about not seeking security with your boyfriend - well many times, people who grow up in a dysfunctional/alcoholic household, can find the first person that comes along as a relief from the chaos. There is a group called ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) you might want to google them. The more information you have, the better for you.
Also, Al-Anon is a great support, they have in person and online meetings. Also, keep posting here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
Oh that's good, I understand what you mean. What I did was only see my Father when he was sober (as an adult, as you are). I made it clear that I didn't want any drunk phone calls. It actually worked well, he knew my boundaries and when I went to visit, he was sober. I don't know if you are ready to talk to them about that but it's worth thinking about.
When dandylion talked about not seeking security with your boyfriend - well many times, people who grow up in a dysfunctional/alcoholic household, can find the first person that comes along as a relief from the chaos. There is a group called ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) you might want to google them. The more information you have, the better for you.
Also, Al-Anon is a great support, they have in person and online meetings. Also, keep posting here!
When dandylion talked about not seeking security with your boyfriend - well many times, people who grow up in a dysfunctional/alcoholic household, can find the first person that comes along as a relief from the chaos. There is a group called ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) you might want to google them. The more information you have, the better for you.
Also, Al-Anon is a great support, they have in person and online meetings. Also, keep posting here!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,055
Hey Evien, this had to have been a horrible situation in which to grow up. You sound like you understand the reality of your parents' addiction in that they really can't monitor.
Sadly there is little to nothing you can do to stop your parents from drinking again. There is a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics that you might find helpful.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself as this is indeed a terrible thing to live with
Sadly there is little to nothing you can do to stop your parents from drinking again. There is a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics that you might find helpful.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself as this is indeed a terrible thing to live with
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Hi Evien,
Jumping in about your inability to talk to your parents about "being" alcoholics and setting boundaries around your time with them. The thing that occurs to me here is that you don't have to put a label on them in order to talk about yourself and behaviours around YOU. My advice is to describe what you will or will not do around their drinking... "I will not visit or stay with you while you are actively drinking".... "I need to focus on my studies and will have limited time that I am unwilling to waste on time spent with you while you are drinking". These conversations are hard even when everyone is on the same page so, I understand your reluctance. Getting back to school and reaching out for support will do a world of good towards your mental health. Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.
MyGirlGracie
Jumping in about your inability to talk to your parents about "being" alcoholics and setting boundaries around your time with them. The thing that occurs to me here is that you don't have to put a label on them in order to talk about yourself and behaviours around YOU. My advice is to describe what you will or will not do around their drinking... "I will not visit or stay with you while you are actively drinking".... "I need to focus on my studies and will have limited time that I am unwilling to waste on time spent with you while you are drinking". These conversations are hard even when everyone is on the same page so, I understand your reluctance. Getting back to school and reaching out for support will do a world of good towards your mental health. Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.
MyGirlGracie
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