Strawbz11

I'm scared and anxious. I sent his stuff back today to his cousins via courier. I get a message from his other cousin saying the other is kicking off about me. Saying she needs his passport and she sent me money and I haven't said nothing to her.

I rang him up and said it's all arriving tomorrow and asked him what is being said now

He said my ex has been telling people he didn't wanna be with me so I kept forcing him to take my money. He then said I was obsessed and extremely jealous of his ex. I have a photo roll of her on my phone and I stole £300 from his house. He owes me money! His cousin said I was obsessed and wouldn't let him go. She told me 6 times if I couldn't accept his friendships with women to leave. She said I kept giving him money to try and please him and she said I was clearly stalkerish and weird.

I sent her a photo 2 weeks ago that I was sent of him with another woman. She saw a screen shot of his ex in my camera roll that I had sent to my friend that day because she thought the new woman could have been her.

I feel sick and distressed. None of it is true. He constantly kept asking me for money and lying and cheating. He made me so anxious and paranoid about his ex.

Is something bad gunna happen to me? What more can I do?

sage1969

You've sent the parcel with his belongings, so at this point I really don't think you need to do anything else. Please consider blocking not only him, but all of these other individuals that seem to delight in creating drama.

I'm hopeful that once you don't have to deal with all this f***ery, you can begin to let all of that go and begin to live your life only focusing on you.

If you at any time feel unsafe, as in physically threatened by these people, please document and call the police. Otherwise, you've done nothing wrong and they don't have anything actionable they can hold over your head.

trailmix

I'm sorry you're scared. This seems incredibly normal because of the way you have been treated. It's scary, it's not normal (they are not normal).

It doesn't actually matter what he says about you, aside from the one demanding cousin, who is going to believe him? They all know him too, maybe not as well as you do, but they do know him. He's not all sweetness and light in their lives either. This isn't his first go-round.

So please don't be scared and not contacting any of them again would be a really good idea too. Shut them out of your life, they no longer exist in the life you have now, they are not part of it. His garbage is on its way to him, there is no reason for any of them to ever speak to you again.

Take a deep breath! It's over, you are free of them now.

ironwill

Hi strawbz11,

First off take a few big breaths and know you're in good hands coming here. You ex is trying to paint a picture of you being the bad guy. That's what alcoholics do to get others on their side. You are not the bad guy. You most likely were the person who tried to help. Know that you didn't cause this. You have sent this stuff back and that is all you need to do. Now you need to focus on you.

You will get through this. Their are lots of people here to help you. Lean on then for advice. Keep being be strong.

Strawbz11

I'm.so glad the stuffs gone.

I did get obsessed with his ex because he teased me and wound me up with her all the way through. He had her photos in his house. He would constantly talk about her and text her. But maybe I have made myself look bad. I did screenshot her photo to show people. I did constantly obsess over why I wasn't good enough and what she had that I didn't.

It sounds like from what one cousin said to the other he's moving away from here to her which Is 2 hours away. Which means I'll never see him again..

I can't believe a few months ago we shared a bed and I helped him get back on his feet. He's forgotten all the good I did. I think perhaps I have made myself look bad. I never trusted him and I did talk to 2 of the other women.

It feels like such a stab in the back.

I hope its allover now but I feel he's going to set Me up
.

sage1969

Some of the best advice I've gotten here at SR is that it is none of my business what others think of me. And it's true -- we have to live our lives from our perspective; we can't go around making decisions to make everyone else happy.
If you're able to go no contact with all these people, then yes, it will all be over for you (who cares how they carry on in your absence, it's no longer your circus). You will be able to move on and heal.

I think partly too, when you've lived with trauma for so long, you feel like you're in limbo until the next thing hits, and then the next. By going no contact, you're eliminating his / their access to you, and the drama and surprises stop. It might take some time to adjust to your new reality that you don't have to move from adrenaline - soaked drama to the next adrenaline - soaked drama.

RunningScared

I think you are worrying too much. You've done all you could do. Don't worry about what others say about you. You've sent everything, now block them all. No getting around it, ending relationships hurts and it takes time to get over that.

EDIT: I posted this about the same time as Sage. We're basically saying the same thing.

sage1969

Lol, yes @RunningScared , I think we did 🙂.

Strawbz11

Just to let you know I'm going to the station Sunday to fully report it and show all screen shots

He's emailed me this morning in a long rant of anger and said he's reporting me for stealing his passport.

sage1969

Good for you, to take your documentation and report this harassment. You've done nothing wrong, and it sounds he's having a tantrum because he can't manipulate you any more. When he sends emails, he's just creating more documentation against himself. If you can, just put them into a file and forget them.

Stay strong!

Strawbz11

Thank you. My sister told me today I've not been a good mum to my kids by still being affected by this. She said I'm always on my phone and messaging people and even if I'm out with the kids I am still on my phone. No idea how she knows as she never sees me. But my mum backed her up and said I've got to get over it now and stop talking about it to people. They've made me feel so alone and now I feel I have lost my family too. What is the point?

sage1969

You won't be able to please everyone, and though your family means well (I hope!), perhaps if you can use a bit of gray - rocking with them, also, it might take some pressure off you.

They are your children, you know what to do to be a good parent. If you are using your phone for messaging or whatever, that's your business and no one else's.

Your family might not be the best support through all this . . . do you have access to AlAnon online meetings, or AlAnon's equivalent there for in - person meetings? It's going to be so much easier to get support from people like us who've been through what you've been through.

Like I said earlier, stay strong! You will get through this!

Strawbz11

Thank you. No I haven't joined any support groups. I feel abit confused whether it's the alcoholic history or he's just an abuser. Do you truthfully think after 14 weeks I should be over it. I think he had collected his stuff i would be.
my mum and sister are both very isolated in terms of friends and stuff. Both feed of eachother. I tend to do my own thing. When I came out this relationship I knew I needed to talk to others and I have made a couple of new (non romantic connections) one is with a man who had am abusive wife and he understands everything I'm saying. My mum even told me to stop talking too him. 😒

It's very nice to feel understood on here. I just cant seem to find my peace. Perhaps going to the police is silly. Maybe now his stuff has arrived he will drop it. I guess the stuff he's claiming can't be proved either way. How can I prove I didn't Rob him or chase him around his home. I have plenty of bank statements proving what I paid. Should I show those to the police.

trailmix

You haven't lost them but you have lost them on this topic perhaps. People who have never experienced dysfunction like this don't get it, it's not their fault, it just is.

I would stop talking to them about it altogether unless absolutely necessary for some reason.

Well, he will have his stuff today, maybe he will be quiet going forward, maybe give it a few days?

Strawbz11

I don't know whether he has reported his passport or not. Do you think if I hear no more I should cancel the police? I am torn because he's genuinely has abused me. But I know he's very messed up and troubled.

I will try not to mention it anymore. But it hurt. One of the things I did after we split was start taking my kids to do more. They've been my lifeline and I've loved being fully focused on them again.

It arrived at 2.45. So it's now with his cousin

trailmix

Ok that's great! He now has access to his passport that he doesn't probably even need!

I really would now ignore them, including any emails he sends. You get to make the decision to be done here now. You have done all you can. He is gone, his stuff is gone, whatever he is up to can be ignored.

As your Sister and Mom aren't really around, they are just guessing, they don't know that you have actually been out doing things with the kids, they just don't know. Yes, it's hurtful, but again, they don't really understand.

Strawbz11

I'm going to contact the police today to try cancel..from What I've read online it will make things worse as abusers tend to lie and it says often they will spin it around so that you look worse and the police will side up with them. He will definitely have some stories ready to make me look mad.

trailmix

Yes, I think that's a really good idea. Hopefully you will never from him again.