ScaryTime

I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic and finally had enough about 4 years ago. Bought a house that I lived and tried to move on… dated but nothing serious. Then met a guy and he wanted to move back to AZ. I was soooo ready to get away from WI winter so we headed to AZ. This guy makes my XAH look like a saint. Not even close to kidding. Been in AZ for 3 months and I said enough. VERY verbally abusive, selfish, no accountability and you all know how it goes. So I gave him till end of month to move out. Came home yesterday and said he was moving out right then and was supposed to be here 2 hours ago for the rest of his stuff. He has the right, I was told by the police (that I called yesterday as things got a lil crazy) that he has a right to come back whenever he wants as this is his address. And if door is locked he can legally break in. What do I do now? I know he’s at his watering hole right now and will show this afternoon for more of the same crap different day. I am okay, mentally other than feeling a little stupid for falling into this situation - but if I’m being honest I used him a bit too to get us out here. After I stopped giving him money that’s when things got so much worse… he cannot seem to hold a job and says he is sick most of the time. I just want to get on with my life…I packed up all of his things, nicely, but I don’t want to reach out to him to find out if he’s coming for his crap or what…

sage1969

As you say, you've been there before . . . you know what needs to be done. If he's abusive, file for a restraining order. Then at that point he has to move. If he won't, and you own the place, or are the leaseholder, give him whatever notice is legally necessary, and arrange for a sheriff's escort the day he picks up his stuff. If he is also on the lease, some states allow for leases to be broken if there is domestic violence involved. Give (only) your landlord notice, pay your half of everything, and move. Keep things quiet til you've moved and are safe. And as hard as this is now, you know what 20 years of this looks like already, so decide what will you do for yourself, then get it done.

ScaryTime

Well thankfully I own the place I’m at and just rent the lot. His name is not my place but it is on the lot. I don’t want to have to move my trailer/break the lease as I really really like the rv park I am in, one of the best ones in this city. Yes I will go on Tuesday for the restraining order. Just nervous about things until then… thanks for the response. You are absolutely correct that I know what 20 years of this looks like and will not go down that rabbit hole again…

velma929

I guess you can inquire how to get his name off the lot.

Look, I like the police, respect the police, but honestly- they're not lawyers. Maybe in addition to getting his name off the lease you need to go through a process if eviction?

Does he pay rent on the lot, or just you? You've got nothing to lose by explaining your situation to the landlord and seeing what switching lots would entail.

sage1969

So if you're leasing the lot and don't want to move, find out if the owner will allow you to place the lease in just your name. Arizona revised statute 33 - 1318 does allow for a lease to be broken with proof of domestic violence. So I'd say once you have the restraining order in hand, see if the owner can work with you to break the old lease and re - sign in your name only.

You will have to advocate for yourself with the police should your qualifier show up and demand entry. If you don't advocate for yourself, and he is allowed access, I can say from personal experience, it won't end well.

And scary, in the kindest way possible, I ask you to do a personal inventory of why you are in this situation again . . . what red flags did you ignore, what personal work do you want to do for yourself, so that if and when you date again, you choose a healthy partner. Perhaps go back to the basics, alanon, self - care, making a list of what you want to see in your daily life, and work towards those healthy things for you?

RunningScared

I agree with others about getting a restraining order. Another option about the lease would be to ask the owner if you could take out a whole new lease in your name. it seems to me that might be easier than trying to get them to remove him from your current lease.

ScaryTime

Yes I absolutely agree on that I need to do an inventory and am looking for Alanon mtgs in my new city. I know part of the reason I got into this was that I wanted to get out here so bad that I just went with it. What red flags did I see, all of them. I am not proud to say that I but I saw the red flags and knew what I was seeing…I did take the advice of another thread to look at all of the things I don’t want or don’t jive with me with him. I am starting the work again on me. No matter where ya go, there you are and I know that. Thank you for the reminders though it is truly appreciated! Really… I’m not being sarcastic that’s why I found my way to this site again. He was a no show today and I have not heard a peep from him. I’m relieved. My migraines and anxiety attacks were coming back and I was putting on weight again. Ugh! What a fool! I got too far away from myself and my program again, clearly! Thank you all for the support that I always find out here on the site! ❤️

Free2bme888

Right now you need to be safe. Is there a shelter or friend you can go to?

I am scared for your safety. For real. Please be safe……

Free2bme888

Hotel? Motel? Until you get it resolved?

ScaryTime

Took my dog for a hike this morning and got text from him asking when he can come for the rest of his clothes. Told him it was all in the shed and he knows where the key is. So he came while I was gone and only took his clothes and the key to the shed… ugh! Most of his other things are still here. I am feeling quite down this morning as I just keep hearing him calling me garbage and a nightmare, ugly and on and on. I just cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so cruel.

sage1969

Good for you to get out for a hike with your dog -- nature is a good medicine for healing and coming back to yourself.

Is it possible to give him a deadline when to pick up his things, then donate or bin what's left? And I'd definitely rekey the shed, he doesn't need any access to any of your property.

It's early days but you're strong and you have been making progress through this stuff, it's hard and not even worth trying to understand why. Keep focusing on you!

trailmix

It's tough to wrap your head around because you wouldn't do something like that. I guess to him you are a nightmare since you won't put up with him. Well, that's good for you if not for him!

As for the rest of it, please, look at the messenger. If this were someone who really had your back and loved and cared about you and said something like, you know you are really rude to strangers - ok, you may want to take a look at that, review your behaviour and see where it's coming from. But for this raging addict, who is picking up his clothes from a shed, who can't hold down a job, who is basically not ok in his mind anymore - well you are just a person to vent at. You know I wouldn't be surprised if what he says to you is really what he is thinking about himself (as odd as that sounds).

Always remember, this person that is yelling at you, he's not in his right mind.

ScaryTime

I am doing better today and I know from past experience I just need to give myself time. I am struggling lightly to stop hearing all the ugly things he has said to me in my head. It’s like a broken record over and over and over I just keep “hearing” him…

dandylion

Scary Time........I have a suggestion that might help with the obsessing about the terrible verbal things that he said to you.
Whrnever you find yourself doing the "broken record".....take an action that can distract your brain from that.
You can do that by changing whatever yu are doing----to doing something else tht is completely different. Distracting yourself, in other words.

For example, if you are sitting on your couch, thinking----go to a different place, room, etc. and call a girlfriend. Or, go make a pot of chilli, in the kitchen. Or, watch some stand up comedians on youtube. Or, go for a walk with your dog. Or, go for a run, by yourself. Or, reorganize your bedroom drawers.

Personally, one of my favorite distractions from unpleasant thoughts or moods---is, to read a book that is placed in a different place and time----for, example, I like to read ome Charles Dickens stories---about life in old England.
I find that some creative ar work works well for me.

trailmix

You know, in thinking about this, if this is on repeat in your head, that's a problem! Breaking that broken record is the key and dandylion's suggestion of distraction is so key. This helps your mind break away from that. Instead of passively letting yourself go over and over something, you keep interrupting it and eventually it stops.

Speaking of records, you know how you get a song stuck in your head sometimes and actually playing the song and listening to it makes it stop repeating (if this does happen to you - it does to me).

Another approach is to not ignore what he said. Sit down and actually write down, say, the 4 worst things he said to you that really make you cringe. Now look at each one. If he said you are ugly, are you? Maybe get up and go look in the mirror, same woman you saw, yesterday? A month ago? check! Him saying it doesn't make it so.

He said you are garbage. What does that even mean? I can see a mean kid in a playground saying that to someone because A. It's actually meaningless and B. They don't have the vocabulary yet, perhaps, to say what they mean (ie: you were mean to me or stole my bat and ball). But garbage, to an adult? Meaningless. Again, this can go on the list of things to review.

A nightmare, well, as I mentioned, you are a nightmare to him, you won't let him drink - oh well, too bad!

Another thing you might want to look at is your ending up there with him. You mentioned you were pretty much a willing participant, even though you really probably knew how this would all turn out? Is this the way you are punishing yourself perhaps.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

ScaryTime

“You mentioned you were pretty much a willing participant, even though you really probably knew how this would all turn out? Is this the way you are punishing yourself perhaps.”
Wow! This hit the nail right on the head! Thank you! And thanks to all for the distractions advice. Working on that and did text my sister and that made me feel a lot better and stopped the “play” button in my head for a little while as well! ❤️

ScaryTime

So had a tough day today but was feeling a bit better this evening and then pow he starts texting me. Not that he’s sorry or anything. That he’s sick, can’t breathe (he has copd and has breathing problems etc). And that he doesn’t have any money for his meds. Now I did offer to go get his meds I know he needs them and he said no. “Gods will that I’m sick I’m ready to go”. He has a pet, and asked me if I would go get her if needed. There will be a note on the table with what to do with the pet. I don’t even know where he is!!! And told him so and he said if you need to know you’ll be contacted. I know I’m being manipulated. I have a general idea of where he is living but I’m staying put. How come he doesn’t realize that this is just solidifying my decision to end things, or does he not care about that and he’s just trying to make me feel guilty? I don’t know what I would do if he hurts himself… ugh!

trailmix

He is just dealing with what HE wants and what HE needs, right now. He is trying to make you feel guilty because, he wants your money. You offering to get the drugs for him just doesn't work for that. The rest of it is an attempt to get you to say - I will just transfer the money.

If he were in ANY way serious about the medication, he would have said that's so nice of you to offer, thanks, this is my address.

If he hurts himself, it will hurt you too, but it has nothing to do with you per se. He certainly has a flair for the dramatic!

- “Gods will that I’m sick I’m ready to go”
- I'll leave a note on the table about what to do with the pet
- You'll be contacted if needed

This is for the theatre, not a text discussion. Does any of this sound normal to you?

There is a member here, she hasn't posted in quite a while but she had a husband that should have been doing Shakespeare as well. I said to her once that when I read what he has said I picture someone tossing their red cape over their shoulder - same visual for this.

ScaryTime

No, trailmix none of this is normal! He told me to just go ahead and live my “charmed life” don’t worry about me I’ll be fine. SMH! I have worked very hard all my life to be where I am today! And you’re right he just wants the money. He owes me a significant amount that I borrowed him and he went through it in less than two months. Oh I know I won’t see that money again, if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t have borrowed it to him. Just ticks me off that I’m so stupid. Had a glimmer of hope that things would work out here but forgot that golden rule that “nothing works with an alcoholic” at least not a practicing one!
I love the whipping the cape over his shoulder oh my gosh that made me belly laugh! Thank you so much for that.
cried so much yesterday that I think I got a little dehydrated! Taking a mental health day from work today in the hopes that if I do a little more self care, journaling, and just keeping my focus on me I will be ready to get back in the saddle of life again and do all the things I wanted to when coming out here - none of which he wanted to do. He always just wanted to go sit in his dark bar (watering hole) or go gambling (with my money of course). Once he comes for the rest of his stuff and gets the credit card in the mail that he says he’s waiting for I want to block him from my phone but he seriously has no one out here other than me. And I worry if something does happen - even if he goes in the hospital, that I need to take care of his pet. Not her fault that he’s an a$$hat. The friends that we did start to make out here started to stay away cuz he would get drunk and me a jerk… for the fourth I went to the park’s pool party and talked to people and even got an invite to go pontooning next weekend!! None of which would have happened if he was still here. I am trying to get rid of his negativity and ugly words in my head - I live life and it has taken me a lot to get where I am after 20 years with an alcoholic husband. I am trying VERY hard not to let this pee on my journey. My friends keep telling me to take him to court for the money and I just really don’t think I need to whip him while he’s down. If I took him to court I think it would just prolong things and would actually make me feel worse about the whole thing.

Bekindalways

Hey Scarytimes, kudos to you for coming back and posting here. Tough stuff.

The older I get the more I realize that my involvement with my Qualifier was my own addiction doing its thing. I'm not sure how much I have "recovered" however, I have accepted my hang ups and try everyday to focus on them.

You sound like you are doing what needs to be done in the situation. Let us know how you get on.