butterfli311

New gal here - ex gf of ABF (as of 3 days ago). I honestly have just been sobbing reading all of these posts...especially the "What Red Flags Did You Ignore" thread. My goodness...I am not the only one who has lived through this hell.

Long story short, I've spent the last 2 years building a life, home, and blended family with a widowed, self-loathing alcoholic. I had no idea what I was getting into.

As a nurse, I can "fix" anything and anyone, or so I thought. Turns out I've NEVER experienced damage to this extent. I've never met someone who hates themselves so much that they're truly unable to care for or love anyone around them in a healthy way.

His latest drunken rampage started Friday and, from what I can see on facebook, is still going. His kids (who I've raised for 2 years and love with all my heart) are begging me to come home. In a drunken phone call last night he told me to "move back in for the kids, they love you...but I never loved you because I can't love anyone." I would do anything for those kids, but I know I cannot do it. I've got a place to stay with my son for as long as we need until I can get financially stable enough to get our own place.

I am just so disappointed in myself for allowing this for so long. I am a professional, smart, woman (although severely codependent) who's always had her sh*t together. But now here I sit in a meeting at work scouring this site for something to make me feel like it'll all be ok someday. I still can't eat, have been vomiting every time I try. Can't sleep even with medication. My brain just won't stop. I'm barely functioning. I am just destroyed.

Please tell me it gets better...

firecricket

I was the same way the first three weeks - it does get better. I do still have trouble eating but I manage to eat at least once a day now, and that is definitely better than nothing, twice on a really good day.

I started by trying to drink protein shakes, a few sips, then one a day at first then my stomach finally felt a bit better and I switched to cucumbers, then I was able to take a few bites of real food, then gradually a whole meal a day.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

dandylion

Hi, butterfly......Yes, absolutely, you are going to be o.k. I think you are in the stageof grief that I call the 'free bleeding stage". You are likely to go through many stages---which is to be expected-----but, eventually you are going to heal and feel like a "normal" person, again.
You Must get help--as this is just toomuch to try to go alone.

I suggest that you need a personal coundselor/therapist, right now. That is the first step for you.
I take it that you alreadyhave a medical doctor that you can talk to?
You need to get soomee sleep---as sleep deprivation is the most debilitating thing.

Let us know how you are doing.......

Bernadette

Hi butterfli311,
So glad you are free of that drama and front row seat to a person's self-destruction. I like Dandy's image of the "free bleeding stage" of grief. Of course you will be a mess for a while. But it will get better.

I've struggled with sleep at stressful times in my life - my most recent fix is a podcast called "Sleepy" a soothing slow warm male voice reads to you for about an hour - the stories are all old classic books - good stories that are just engaging enough to catch my attention and stop my racing thoughts, but not compelling enough to keep me awake. I put my podcast sleep timer on 15 mins and I'm usually knocked right out. If I wake at 3am with racing thoughts I just pop it back on for another 15 mins etc....If you prefer a female voice there is a sister podcast called "Dreamy" - same format.

Sleepy Podcast

Dreamy Podcast

I hope you get some good rest soon. Stay hydrated even if you're not able to eat much yet ((((((hugs)))))).
Peace,
B.

trailmix

Well, let me say first off that I really am glad you left.

You can forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know. I'm sure when you first met and started dating he wasn't calling you telling you he couldn't love anyone because he can't love himself.

You do need support. We are here for you, do you have a therapist? Also there are Al-Anon meetings, online and in person (in person is great if you have the time). https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

I know this feels awful and you are probably wondering why it's so awful, well it's pretty traumatic to see that what you were promised/anticipating/expecting has all turned around and you can't fix it.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

You will find that each day you will feel a bit better, as you start to see things more clearly. It's hard to see and accept what's going on when you are right in the middle of it.

Is it possible you could take a couple of days off to really focus on looking after yourself?

firecricket

I've had trouble sleeping since AH left us, too. I tried white noise which just made me feel anxious. I have found brown noise is helpful for me - some of the time. I might have to try these podcasts!

butterfli311

Thank you all so much. I see a therapist weekly and go to group therapy weekly (for my BPD and Codependent behaviors). So that has been helpful already. Luckily I work in healthcare and have access to physicians and therapists as needed. Everyone is being so kind.

I just don't understand how he is OK with losing the one person in his life who kept the family functional and treated him so well. Why throw that away?

I asked him what I did wrong and what I could have done better and his answer was, "Nothing. This has nothing to do with you. I am just done. Done with everything and everyone."

Free bleeding is the perfect phrase. I feel like it is pouring out of me everywhere and I have no idea how to stop it. My whole world was our family and home. And it's just been pulled out from under me.

Really appreciate the support and love from you all.

trailmix

It is so hurtful and I am so sorry you got hurt in all of this. His answer to your question is, at least, honest. It isn't you.

Your question:

This truly (when looked at from the point of view of a non-alcoholic/addict) is hard to understand. It may even be impossible for you to understand, because you are not an addict.

First and foremost, above all else, he wants to drink. This is more important than you, than his children, than your child, than anything.

It's seems entirely foreign doesn't it? Yet millions of men and women leave their families every day, or drive them away, because they are settling in to drink.

Great effort can be put in to the family/relationship at first and can be ongoing for a while, but that battle with alcohol doesn't go away and eventually many, probably most, give up. Something has to give and it many cases it's not the alcohol that's given up.

He won't quit until he is ready and he's not ready.

dandylion

butterfli.......I am wondering if his children have a mother? If not, are they old enough to take care of themselves?
When hr says that he is done with everything----does he mean the children, also??

You may not realize it, right now----and, it may take you a while---but, he has just set you Free.

sage1969

I am sorry for what has happened, but I am glad to hear you've got good medical and therapeutic support in place. I've found this forum to be very good support also.

Since you have a safe space with your son, can you just go back to basics for a period of time? Figure out what a healthy morning, daily, and evening routine might look like for you? Build in a few things like naps; baths or swimming; nutrition; walks and yoga, or whatever calming and soothing exercise looks like for you? Perhaps begin doing creative and fun things you haven't had time to do, or new things you've wanted to try?

All the focus has been on your qualifier and his children; part of recovery from what's happened is bringing the focus back to you and your health and well - being. Good ways to do this are to be outside and to be in movement, to reconnect to your physical body and the earth.

I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, but that is a good place to start to identify ways in which you might place your priorities to "fix" others ahead of your own well - being, and once you're able to see these in yourself, you can start to bring more balance in how you care for and place priority in your own wellbeing.

Baby steps each day, but it becomes easier. It's ok to grieve, but it's also ok for you to heal.

butterfli311

He is a widower -- the 2 oldest kids' mom died of a percocet OD when the oldest boy (16) was 4 and the girl (now 12) was 6 mos. He has another son (7) who lives in another state w/his mom, but visits for the summer so all 3 are there now (and my 11 yr old was as well).

The 12yo girl is caring for herself and the 7yo boy right now. We message throughout the day and it breaks my heart. The 16yo is not responding to me right now. He usually withdraws when dad drinks.

He has been done being a dad for a long time...he does the bare minimum then complains the kids "don't like him" or "they only like you."

He was awful to my son the day of the blowout/breakup and I will never forgive him for that.

I'm just so damn mad. I should have been the one to leave. I should have been able to plan financially and prepare so I wasn't in this mess. I just can't stop freaking crying. I have no idea why I still have tears left...

sage1969

You may not be able to step in to care for the children if you don't have legal guardianship, but it doesn't sound safe for them to be on their own at their age. Is there a relative who can step in to care for them? If not, can you alert social services to make a well check?

dandylion

butterfli......do you see that it is very unsafe and dangerous for those children to be left alone? It seems to me, that you have a moral, and, possibly, a legal responsibility to let someone in authority to know what is going on. You might notify the mother of the 7 year old, of this circumstance.
At minimum, you can notify the local Child Protective Services of the situation of the children.

It takes a village to raise a child.

Perhaps, there can be some legall arrangements through CPS that could give you temporary custody of all of the chidren, except for the 7 year old, of course.

Your boyfriend can possibly be charges with child neglect or abuse. I am not a lawyer, but, it dooesn't take a lawyer to see when children are left in dangerous circumstances to fend on their own.

LovelyKaya33333

It gets better... much better... it takes time... tears... little by little it gets better. I promise. I had step kids with my exAH as well... they had a bio mom ( she wasn't much better) and I helped raise them for near 7 years. It was really hard to not try and fight for them but legally I had no recourse. Given what you know would you want to try to get custody of them? Could you possibly do that without being with their dad? I am sorry for what brings your here. This is a wonderful group... It pretty much saved my sanity and life. I have been AH free for a year and man does it get better.... I know it is hard to see that now... Relating to others helped me so much. You will come out of the fog... you will eat again... you will feel peace again and you will laugh again....

butterfli311

Thank you all for your thoughts and support. I've been to the house daily to check on the kids. Now that he's off his binge and just maintenance drinking, they are all being cared for properly. I am still just sick and empty but trying to look at this break-up as a gift. Because I never would have left on my own.

I am trying to stay away and just love the kids from afar. Eventually knowing I'll have to cut all ties. One day at a time.

dandylion

butterfli.....I am glad that you are feeling better.....However, I am still concerned for the kids welfare. When you eventually "cut all ties", will you notify some responsible adult about the fact that the children are alone with an alcoholic who is a binge drinker.
Do you actually believe that that is enough superviion for four underage children?
As a nurse, as with all healthcare workers, doesn't that make you a mandated reporter of neglect or abuse---according the your state's laws?

Did you take your own 11yr. old son with you, or does he remain with the other kids?

SadPArtner

Hi everyone

just a quick reply to this post , cuase i feel SICK! with this alkies BS.
Most of them , pretend that "There´s no problem here, you are exagerating, just chill"
but some of them, do the opposit.. they play this ****** "I have no possible solution" card

A freaking puzlle Impossible to solve,.....

Also it shocks me to see that COMPLETE STRANGERS are more aware and concerned about the wellbeing of the children, than their "father"
Full empathic people VS. "I don´t give a **** even regarding my own children"

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Butterfly, sorry for the very sad situation. I am a former nurse too, I thought I could cope with living with an alcoholic. Coming from an alcoholic family or origin background full of trauma, I think we tend towards the caring professions and towards wounded partners.

Glad you found us. Lots of support and understanding here.