Struggling with the unknown. No communication
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 27
Struggling with the unknown. No communication
I have been a member for awhile, but felt the urge to post today. I have been with my AB for 12 years. Our son is 6, his drinking and distance seemed to start at that point. He changed jobs 5 years ago and works with heavy drinkers. There is no drinking at home but he drops 70-100 some days at the bar at happy hour. He, as they all do, gets angry and full of rage if I try to talk to him. He is secret texting because he hides his phone. He got in an accident a month ago, lied to me about it until the cops informed me of the situation. I told him I was leaving if he did t stop, but I know he still goes to the bar. He is never black out drunk but there is certainly a mood change, chatty behavior. We don’t talk anymore, I sleep in another room. I want him to leave, but I feel guilty because his drinking is “not that bad”. I waffle between leaving and staying and I just don’t know how to initiate this conversation. To be honest, his personality is so different and he’s is so distant that I feel like he is a stranger that I have no feelings for. He is so stone cold and has ZERO empathy for anything. I deep down probably know the answer but if I am not ready to take this big step, how can I prepare myself? I am of course worried financially but also that I need him, for I don’t know what! I am so lost and disgusted, I am feeling all the feels right now. It is so e hausting at times I can hardly breath. I am sure I have more questions and details but I am in one of those anxiety ridden moods that I cannot get my thoughts organized.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Hi Angrylove, I'm very sorry for what brings you here. I'm new here too, but I posted an insane amount when I first got here. Just venting to this forum, getting all of it out of my mind, was very liberating eventually. At first, it created more anxiety but the people where really emphasize, and can provide great guidance to you.
What I can say is go to an al-anon meeting, That, along with this forum, has been incredibly helpful. I was in your exact situation, almost word for word, a couple months ago. I feel so much better so I encourage you to post as much as you want, get it all out, read other posts. You'll find many stories similar to yours that you can relate to.
The one thing I really needed to learn is that we cannot control it, nor can we cure it. There are no magic words, but instead the focus needs to be on you, you need to get better. When you focus on yourself and not your AB, you'll start to feel better, I know I did.
Stay strong your for you and your son!
What I can say is go to an al-anon meeting, That, along with this forum, has been incredibly helpful. I was in your exact situation, almost word for word, a couple months ago. I feel so much better so I encourage you to post as much as you want, get it all out, read other posts. You'll find many stories similar to yours that you can relate to.
The one thing I really needed to learn is that we cannot control it, nor can we cure it. There are no magic words, but instead the focus needs to be on you, you need to get better. When you focus on yourself and not your AB, you'll start to feel better, I know I did.
Stay strong your for you and your son!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Glad you decided to post and express how you are feeling.
You ask how to decide what to do and how to prepare yourself, as you have been a member for a while I expect you have seen Al-anon recommended along with "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Both those things really helped me.
I relate to such a lot of what you share. As I suspect most people here will. You are not alone.
You ask how to decide what to do and how to prepare yourself, as you have been a member for a while I expect you have seen Al-anon recommended along with "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Both those things really helped me.
I relate to such a lot of what you share. As I suspect most people here will. You are not alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Angrylove........welcome to the forum. As others have urged you, I also urge you to continue to utiize the support that this forum offers.
One thing, in particular, that sticks outto me, in your post, is this----you share that he becomes angry and full of ragw when you try to talk to him. That concerns me.
My suggesstion to you is this---before you take any actions that your BF knows about----I suggest that you contact your local domestic violence organization and speak in strict confidence to a worker/counselor. You can do this by phone, if you want to.
The DM counselors are prepared to help you in many ways---they have lots of resourses at their fingertips that you may not realize or even know about.
They can, also, advise you how to proceed in ways that are safe and provide you confidential support along the way.
One thing to be aware of, is that the most dangerous time is when a woman is trying to exit the relationship, the partner may feel the loss of control and,use some sort of violence and threats to regain the sense ofcontrol.
Angry rage can be a risk factor that MUST be recognized.
I think that "Angryrage" is an interesting forum name that you have chosen. It actually has anger and rage in your title.
I suggest the following actions that could be a starting point for you, if you ever decide to leave the relationship----in the following order.
1. Contact the local domestic violence organization in complete confidentially.
2. Talk to a lawyer that the dm counselors can refer you to. This is a very important step, for you, especially that you have a son with him
3. Arrange your own personal counselor and social worker----which, again, the dm organization can refer you to.
As was already suggested---get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....and read it ASAP...lol.
One thing, in particular, that sticks outto me, in your post, is this----you share that he becomes angry and full of ragw when you try to talk to him. That concerns me.
My suggesstion to you is this---before you take any actions that your BF knows about----I suggest that you contact your local domestic violence organization and speak in strict confidence to a worker/counselor. You can do this by phone, if you want to.
The DM counselors are prepared to help you in many ways---they have lots of resourses at their fingertips that you may not realize or even know about.
They can, also, advise you how to proceed in ways that are safe and provide you confidential support along the way.
One thing to be aware of, is that the most dangerous time is when a woman is trying to exit the relationship, the partner may feel the loss of control and,use some sort of violence and threats to regain the sense ofcontrol.
Angry rage can be a risk factor that MUST be recognized.
I think that "Angryrage" is an interesting forum name that you have chosen. It actually has anger and rage in your title.
I suggest the following actions that could be a starting point for you, if you ever decide to leave the relationship----in the following order.
1. Contact the local domestic violence organization in complete confidentially.
2. Talk to a lawyer that the dm counselors can refer you to. This is a very important step, for you, especially that you have a son with him
3. Arrange your own personal counselor and social worker----which, again, the dm organization can refer you to.
As was already suggested---get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....and read it ASAP...lol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 27
Thank you all for your ears and kind words. I ordered the book and can’t wait to read it! Hopefully this will help me deal with the daily roller coaster of emotions! I need to rid myself of the anger and resentment. I keep reminding myself to be the bigger person in this. I have definately contributed to the space between us as I feel I am creating a safety, but I also feel as though I gave up, I neglected and pushed him further away. I feel like I could change this by opening my arms and creating a friendlier environment. I had told him it was done once prior, and it felt good but I eventually melted down and told him I wanted to try again. I just get no love back, not one ounce… not an apology or groveling. It seems everytime I want to try open up and talk I smell the beer on his breath and it is such a gut wrenching feeling I immediately retreat and give up
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Here’s what you must ultimately learn and understand. It is not easy. nothing you do can change him, nothing. You didn’t cause this, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. None of us can, if we could we wouldn’t be posting here and none of us would be dealing with addicts
no amount of friendly environment, no amount of love, talking, shunning, over attentiveness, neglect, sweeping it under the rug, bringing it to the forefront will make him change unless he wants to.
that is a scary fact to realize, especially for those of us who have no experience with addiction.
all this thinking about what can I do for him, what can I say to get him to see this for what it is? The only thing that will do is make it worse for YOU. Your anger, disgust, and resentment will continue to grow.
trust me, I was you 8 weeks ago. I had to let go, to realize that she doesn’t have a problem with her drinking, I do.
there’s something liberating about realizing that you cannot control what he does. You can only control how you react. I’ve accepted my AW is going to drink, I no longer concern myself with that. I do things for myself and my kids that bring us joy. If she wants to join in on those, she’s always welcome. If she chooses to instead drink with her friends, she’s welcome to do that too, but I no longer expect anything from her and I no longer obsess over it.
im not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to tell you my experience and how similar mine is to yours.
you will get through this. Your eyes are now opening. Once you see it for what it is, you can’t I see it.
of course, if there’s any whiff of abuse, that’s different and you need to talk to professionals to help sort that out.
im so glad you found us, your healing starts now!
no amount of friendly environment, no amount of love, talking, shunning, over attentiveness, neglect, sweeping it under the rug, bringing it to the forefront will make him change unless he wants to.
that is a scary fact to realize, especially for those of us who have no experience with addiction.
all this thinking about what can I do for him, what can I say to get him to see this for what it is? The only thing that will do is make it worse for YOU. Your anger, disgust, and resentment will continue to grow.
trust me, I was you 8 weeks ago. I had to let go, to realize that she doesn’t have a problem with her drinking, I do.
there’s something liberating about realizing that you cannot control what he does. You can only control how you react. I’ve accepted my AW is going to drink, I no longer concern myself with that. I do things for myself and my kids that bring us joy. If she wants to join in on those, she’s always welcome. If she chooses to instead drink with her friends, she’s welcome to do that too, but I no longer expect anything from her and I no longer obsess over it.
im not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to tell you my experience and how similar mine is to yours.
you will get through this. Your eyes are now opening. Once you see it for what it is, you can’t I see it.
of course, if there’s any whiff of abuse, that’s different and you need to talk to professionals to help sort that out.
im so glad you found us, your healing starts now!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi AL, as Sparklekitty mentioned - it really is that bad.
So how can you prepare yourself? By seriously looking at the situation and taking some distance. If at all possible can you go away for a week or two? Go visit your family or rent an AirBnB somewhere, just let your ABF know you and your child are going for a get away, a change of scenery. Chances are he won't care based on how he is behaving.
This gives you time, away, to really see what's going on and to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
Well, he wasn't always like this was he. This is not what you were expecting. It may not have been a fairytale, but probably had many good times. You probably expected that to continue (that's not unreasonable). But alcoholism is progressive and maybe having the extra responsibility of caring for a child was just too much for him as well.
Financially, perhaps Monday would be a good time to get on the phone with the domestic violence people, as dandylion mentioned. Take action, it will make you feel SO much better. There are probably tons of resources out there that you aren't even aware of.
So how can you prepare yourself? By seriously looking at the situation and taking some distance. If at all possible can you go away for a week or two? Go visit your family or rent an AirBnB somewhere, just let your ABF know you and your child are going for a get away, a change of scenery. Chances are he won't care based on how he is behaving.
This gives you time, away, to really see what's going on and to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
I am of course worried financially but also that I need him, for I don’t know what!
Financially, perhaps Monday would be a good time to get on the phone with the domestic violence people, as dandylion mentioned. Take action, it will make you feel SO much better. There are probably tons of resources out there that you aren't even aware of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I add my voice to those saying "yes, it is that bad".
When I was with my late AH, I also thought it "wasn't that bad". It was. We often can't see it when we are in it. Because AH didn't shout, rage, scream insults etc (like the family I grew up in) I didn't see how bad it was. With AH it was covert rather than overt.
Living in that chronic stress is very damaging to our minds and bodies.
Your body is giving you very clear messages when it makes you recoil from him. He is not safe and your body knows it.
When I was with my late AH, I also thought it "wasn't that bad". It was. We often can't see it when we are in it. Because AH didn't shout, rage, scream insults etc (like the family I grew up in) I didn't see how bad it was. With AH it was covert rather than overt.
Living in that chronic stress is very damaging to our minds and bodies.
Your body is giving you very clear messages when it makes you recoil from him. He is not safe and your body knows it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
The whole "it's not that bad" is a lie we tell ourselves in an effort to not do anything. We lie, just like the addict lies. There is always someone worse, so it'll never be "that bad" until it becomes "that bad" for us. I guess we all have a point or a circumstance that it does become "that bad", and it's different for all of us.
But think about it this way...by you even articulating out loud that "it's not that bad" you are admitting that "it's bad". Then it becomes what level of "bad" are we willing to tolerate, accept, live with? That's on us, that's what we can control, that's what we get to/have to decide.
Then the question we need to ask ourselves, is this what we want, is this the life we envision for ourselves in the future? Understanding that without professional help, it only gets worse, not better.
I really hate the whole "it's not that bad" thinking and I constantly use that line of reasoning so I'm not judging you in any way. But it's not healthy, and it only serves as an obstacle to taking action. Take time to reflect on what it is you want, what it is you are able to accept. You need to be really honest with yourself because once you decide what you will accept, you actually have to accept it, be okay with that which is the hard part. It's easy to say "I'm fine with this..." but it's not easy to actually "be fine with this..."
But think about it this way...by you even articulating out loud that "it's not that bad" you are admitting that "it's bad". Then it becomes what level of "bad" are we willing to tolerate, accept, live with? That's on us, that's what we can control, that's what we get to/have to decide.
Then the question we need to ask ourselves, is this what we want, is this the life we envision for ourselves in the future? Understanding that without professional help, it only gets worse, not better.
I really hate the whole "it's not that bad" thinking and I constantly use that line of reasoning so I'm not judging you in any way. But it's not healthy, and it only serves as an obstacle to taking action. Take time to reflect on what it is you want, what it is you are able to accept. You need to be really honest with yourself because once you decide what you will accept, you actually have to accept it, be okay with that which is the hard part. It's easy to say "I'm fine with this..." but it's not easy to actually "be fine with this..."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Hi AngryLove
I find that your username ( aswell as mine ) is VERY DESCRIPTIVE
Hope it doesn´t sound too harsh, but I will just repeat here, some specific words of your first post
this is just to make you see if it´s "that bad"
* works with heavy drinkers.
* angry and full of rage
* secret texting
* an accident a month ago
* lied to me
* the cops
* I know he still goes to the bar
* certainly a mood change, chatty behavior
* We don’t talk anymore
* has ZERO empathy for anything
all my support from Spain.
Be strong, and don´t try to minimize the reality, as all of us did.
I find that your username ( aswell as mine ) is VERY DESCRIPTIVE
Hope it doesn´t sound too harsh, but I will just repeat here, some specific words of your first post
this is just to make you see if it´s "that bad"
* works with heavy drinkers.
* angry and full of rage
* secret texting
* an accident a month ago
* lied to me
* the cops
* I know he still goes to the bar
* certainly a mood change, chatty behavior
* We don’t talk anymore
* has ZERO empathy for anything
all my support from Spain.
Be strong, and don´t try to minimize the reality, as all of us did.
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