HeartbrokenGirl

Questions for those who are recovering alcoholics:

1. Would you be able to be in a relationship with someone who is a moderate drinker and has a drink or two for every occasion and every time you take her out?

2. How do you feel about taking your girlfriend to bar restaurants for your dates and even sitting at the bar area? What are your thoughts? Could you handle this?

If you could handle this, how long after being sober, would you be able to do this?

3. Would you tell your girlfriend you’re a recovering alcoholic or keep it secret, as not to embarrass yourself?

4. Would you care if your girlfriend constantly drank in front of you every time you went out?

trailmix

Hi Heartbroken

You have actually posted in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum (although there are some in recovery here).

What I do know is that everyone is different, including alcoholics. Some people who are recovering from alcoholism can manage this just fine, some, after a while and some never. Sometimes when people have recovered from alcoholism, they no longer want to be around a drinking group, it's just not fun anymore.

Why do you ask? If you don't mind me asking.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, HeartBrokenGirl.

I am 12 years sober, personally I have no problem being around moderate drinkers although being around drunk people is really irritating.

I think these are questions and boundary setting issues you need to discuss with the actual person concerned to see if a relationship between you would work for you both. If you feel unable to ask them directly, I think this is rather concerning.

velma929

I think it varies, and there are factors other than one's recovery.
I had a colleague majorly irritated when a couple came to visit and brought wine for themselves and ordered drinks when they went out together. But he *would not* admit to them that having alcohol around was a problem for him maintaining his sobriety. In my opinion, that's his problem if he's not being open and frank with allegedly good friends. If someone told me he or she would prefer non-drinking venues or for me to abstain when we were together, I'd have no problem. I do drink, but I don't have to drink to have a good time.

I think it might be hard to find restaurants serving nice food that *didn't* serve alcohol, so there would still be people drinking around the recovering alcoholic, just not at the same table. I don't know how those recovering deal with that - maybe learn to make great meals at home?

Having married and lived with an alcoholic: if someone was "constantly drinking" in front of me, as in downing one drink after another, I would wonder if she had a problem. Seriously. I go out and have a drink, but I nurse one drink through dinner. Two will make me feel unwell. I remember one evening when AH and I met his daughter and her friend at a bar. AH and daughter were trying to drink one another under the table - very uncomfortable situation for the girl's friend and me.

There are exceptions to this next part: maybe your significant other is an entertainer who plays in bars, some people play darts in bars or pool - but an awful lot of people exit the bar scene when they get to late 20s early 30s. Drinking just to get drunk eventually loses its appeal for most people.

Hawkeye13

I think it is all subjective, but a person who always drinks when out is not a moderate drinker in my book.

I also would consider someone who did that around a recovering alcoholic as lacking empathy at best, boorish at worst. I mean really, can’t you have an ice tea at least sometimes in solidarity?

Of course everyone has their level of acceptance / tolerance to this, but often people in recovery find they simply cannot relate on the long term with drinkers as alcohol mood-alteration can no longer be part of their world. It is often uncomfortable because we don’t have the free “high” of mood-shift so on different page. . .

Too-frequently-tipsy or progressively drunk people may become boring / repetitive / not-so-funny-as-they-think when you are cold-sober—they did for me at least.

On the other hand, occasional moderate drinkers having fun is enjoyable as heck

spiderqueen

The above is also true for me as a recovering co-dependent, and as someone who watched a person I loved drinking himself to death. Somehow takes all the fun out of it!? Go figure. My friends and family have adjusted their drinking around me because they are sensitive to my needs. Except for the ones who can't because they themselves are dependent on alcohol - and those I have had to leave behind.

sage1969

Although I do attempt to accept people as they are, alcohol and drugs have decimated my community and touched the lives of everyone I know. For me personally, I'm not at a point where I can tolerate being around an intoxicated person. My own boundaries of not drinking are strong; I am uncomfortable with the energy and emotion that intoxicated people carry. I just can't tolerate it. So if in a restaurant or social setting I'm aware when others are drinking, but my friends I spend time with are also sober and in recovery, so I don't often find myself in situations where this comes up, and when it does, I leave.

velma929

I would add: I have a friend that used to be a prison guard. He sometimes heard someone about to be released remark they were going to stay out of Y town or stay away from a certain group of [former] friends.

All well and good, but for some people, a lifestyle change is what they need because every town had bad elements and bad people. For some, it won't be going to bars and not drinking, it means not going to bars. It may mean acquiring a social circle of people who don't drink, and hobbies that people enjoy without alcohol. It's a valid choice. There are people on this board who not only don't drink themselves, but will only choose partners who are abstinent, too. I wouldn't be surprised if a recovering addict made such a choice.

timj120

I have a cousin who was addicted to alcohol and drugs. He would go to rehab, clean up, then move to another city to get away from his crew. Eventually, in every city, he'd find another new crew and the addiction cycle would start all over. It's not about the location, it's about the lifestyle. I kept thinking, there are bars and drugs in city XYZ, how is moving going to solve the main issue. He'd eventually move back home, dry out, go a couple years, then relapse, then repeat the entire cycle.

I'm not an addict, but I will hang out with people who are drinking, up to a point. Once they get to that certain stage, I excuse myself and go somewhere/anywhere else. It's just not fun, they're not as clever, funny, or smart as they think.

If I ever find another relationship, I'm not sure I would choose someone who drinks, even casually. I've seen too much, been lied to and hurt so much by it, that I'd be constantly paranoid about that person's habits, every time they got a little tipsy, even if there was no indication of a alcohol problem. Also, it's funny to say with how the past few years have gone, I am so much happier now that I'm not drinking.

VikingGF

I have no issues being out among people who drink- what other people do does not affect my sobriety. However, I have found that I am usually the one who leaves things early because once my friends get going, they become repetitive, loud and obnoxious. They don't seem to mind if I don't attend the drink fests any longer, and we do plenty of non-drinking activities as well. I can sit in a restaurant or at a bar, no problem. If I do choose to date, I will be looking for a non-drinker or die-hard "one is enough for me" person. I will be honest about my drinking status, and that is "I never drink." The reason why is my business until I feel like sharing.