Defamation
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Defamation
Ok, so I'll start by saying perhaps 'defamation' is a harsh title, but it's how I'm feeling in my heated moment now. I found out today that one of my STBXAH's immediate family members made a few comments about me to someone else I am VERY close with - someone I would consider my single closest friend and confidant.
The in-law speculated about whether I'd been dating again (not their business), insinuated that I must have changed my mind regarding having children and that drove a wedge between me and my spouse (not their business and not true), and various other comments about watching our decline in the brief time we lived with them (invasive and a perfect reason why we needed to move out). Obviously, my friend immediately called me and relayed the whole weird convo.
Umm... 1) Why would it be any of their business to talk about my marriage, decision to or not to have children, etc. 2) What an odd thing to share with my very best friend and expect it wouldn't find its way back to me and 3) This person is spewing a whole bunch of half-truths and wrong assumptions.
I am so frustrated for so many reasons. I called my STBXH and asked what in the world he shared with his family. He was appalled that they would bring things like that up and agreed it was far-fetched and filled with inappropriate statements he's never said. I have no idea if I really believe him (and who knows - he may have told them all these things on a drunken night - which is every night - and does not remember.)
I guess I am just shocked that I am officially the "bad guy" in their eyes after I spent months of our separation trying to make amends and asking him to move with me to re-set in a new home and city while he opted to stay at his parents alone and drunk. I didn't understand addiction during those months and was willing to bend over backwards and change nearly anything about myself if he was willing to pull back on the drinking and commit to 1-2 nights per week sober for us to have conversations and connect as a couple. (Spoiler alert: he couldn't.)
As far as MY side of the family knows, we were two adults who needed to re-evaluate our paths for the future and whether our goals and lifestyles aligned. I presented it as mutual and amicable and my family still respects him a ton based on what I've shared with them (which is all true - I just didn't get into the details of our marriage or his addiction). I've never said a word about his blatant alcoholism, lack of respect for my boundaries, whether he/I are dating or not, etc. I wish I'd been given the same courtesy in front of his family.
This is more of just a rant... but you all always have sage wisdom to talk a newbie off the ledge (figuratively - I'm safe and healthy in real life), so here it is. Thanks for reading. xo
The in-law speculated about whether I'd been dating again (not their business), insinuated that I must have changed my mind regarding having children and that drove a wedge between me and my spouse (not their business and not true), and various other comments about watching our decline in the brief time we lived with them (invasive and a perfect reason why we needed to move out). Obviously, my friend immediately called me and relayed the whole weird convo.
Umm... 1) Why would it be any of their business to talk about my marriage, decision to or not to have children, etc. 2) What an odd thing to share with my very best friend and expect it wouldn't find its way back to me and 3) This person is spewing a whole bunch of half-truths and wrong assumptions.
I am so frustrated for so many reasons. I called my STBXH and asked what in the world he shared with his family. He was appalled that they would bring things like that up and agreed it was far-fetched and filled with inappropriate statements he's never said. I have no idea if I really believe him (and who knows - he may have told them all these things on a drunken night - which is every night - and does not remember.)
I guess I am just shocked that I am officially the "bad guy" in their eyes after I spent months of our separation trying to make amends and asking him to move with me to re-set in a new home and city while he opted to stay at his parents alone and drunk. I didn't understand addiction during those months and was willing to bend over backwards and change nearly anything about myself if he was willing to pull back on the drinking and commit to 1-2 nights per week sober for us to have conversations and connect as a couple. (Spoiler alert: he couldn't.)
As far as MY side of the family knows, we were two adults who needed to re-evaluate our paths for the future and whether our goals and lifestyles aligned. I presented it as mutual and amicable and my family still respects him a ton based on what I've shared with them (which is all true - I just didn't get into the details of our marriage or his addiction). I've never said a word about his blatant alcoholism, lack of respect for my boundaries, whether he/I are dating or not, etc. I wish I'd been given the same courtesy in front of his family.
This is more of just a rant... but you all always have sage wisdom to talk a newbie off the ledge (figuratively - I'm safe and healthy in real life), so here it is. Thanks for reading. xo
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Isn't it exciting to hear all about this nefarious life you're leading? Who knew?!
Seriously, though, one of the wisest things I was told when worrying about what others thought of gossip about me, was
People who know and truly care about you know the truth about you, and probably couldn't give a **** about what these people are saying. You know the truth about you. That is all that matters.
Seriously, though, one of the wisest things I was told when worrying about what others thought of gossip about me, was
Other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business.
People who know and truly care about you know the truth about you, and probably couldn't give a **** about what these people are saying. You know the truth about you. That is all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,561
I'm sure your friend meant well. I'm not absolutely sure that telling you all this was the best course of action, even when it's true.
There used to be a local TV station that advertised "news you can use." It was a long time ago - I imagine the station concentrated on local events to keep the audience informed about community issues. Sometimes telling people things they can't do anything about isn't useful - or necessary. Telling a friend his fly needs to be zipped is useful, because he can fix that. Telling a friend you liked her old hairstyle just before she goes on TV with a new one is not.
It's happened to me, too, but the friend was not so explicit. She said, "I know you're looking for a new room mate, and Nancy has said she'd love the apartment, but - ummm, Nancy is not your best choice. I don't think you'd get along well."
What's done is done, though, and it's no surprise that his family took his side, is it? Of course not. If it's any consolation, I had a colleague who really didn't like her sister-in-law. I ran into the colleague some years later, and the sister-in-law had become a saint. In the intervening years, Bro had been overwhelmed his adult ADD, SIL had been the breadwinner and held that family together. I wouldn't hold my breath, but sometimes it does happen.
And YOU know the truth.
There used to be a local TV station that advertised "news you can use." It was a long time ago - I imagine the station concentrated on local events to keep the audience informed about community issues. Sometimes telling people things they can't do anything about isn't useful - or necessary. Telling a friend his fly needs to be zipped is useful, because he can fix that. Telling a friend you liked her old hairstyle just before she goes on TV with a new one is not.
It's happened to me, too, but the friend was not so explicit. She said, "I know you're looking for a new room mate, and Nancy has said she'd love the apartment, but - ummm, Nancy is not your best choice. I don't think you'd get along well."
What's done is done, though, and it's no surprise that his family took his side, is it? Of course not. If it's any consolation, I had a colleague who really didn't like her sister-in-law. I ran into the colleague some years later, and the sister-in-law had become a saint. In the intervening years, Bro had been overwhelmed his adult ADD, SIL had been the breadwinner and held that family together. I wouldn't hold my breath, but sometimes it does happen.
And YOU know the truth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Thank you all so much - and so many truths. Not my business, not my problem. Just a bummer from people I had such a great relationship with.
Is there a way to delete this whole thread? I really wrote it in a moment of passion, and while all true, I don't think there's any benefit to re-hashing it. I also don't want too much identifying information included. I appreciate any tech help on that front!
Is there a way to delete this whole thread? I really wrote it in a moment of passion, and while all true, I don't think there's any benefit to re-hashing it. I also don't want too much identifying information included. I appreciate any tech help on that front!
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