How do I get rid of this guilt leaving my functioning alcoholic bf?
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Join Date: Jan 2022
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How do I get rid of this guilt leaving my functioning alcoholic bf?
Hi all,
I am looking for some advice/opinions.
I dated him for 10 months, he is 43, with 2 kids. we both had this connection (not felt this for over 10 years with someone, both him and I). 4 months into the relationship I notice he is drinking a lot in the evenings, well as soon as he finished work, and on weekends would start drinking at 10am for both Saturday & Sunday, I also notice he is drinking in the car on the way home from work, so I would say in the week he was drinking up to 10 cans of 440ml beer an evening and weekends more.
I observe his drinking patterns and do bring this up with him, that I am concerned. At 6 months he decides he needs a change and moves closer to me, out of his usual environment (to the pub every evening, house share with two other single males, who also drink a lot). So now he lives 10 min drive from me, in a 2 bedroom house, on his own. Anyway, months 6-10 we have so many conversations about his drinking, I think he has gone back and forth with 'contemplation' & preparation' stage of going sober but not quite got to 'action'. In those months, there have been lies, hiding his drinking, promises to change, many of those promises broken, money issues and manipulation.
I understand that this is all normal and part of the addicts process, I should also mention my mum is an active alcoholic, and has been since i can remember.
Anyway, fast forward to 10 months we have split, we split because I realise that no amount of support or help I offer he has got to want to do this himself and me being there will only enable him in a way. I also know that I cant deal with the lies, and constant broken promises and dashing of hope every few days. Last straw was him saying he was going to rehab, he talked to friends and boss, so I really thought he had done the research and booked himself in, come to the date he was meant to be going, it turns out he didn't even know how much it cost etc. It was way to expensive for him to go. So I did about 3 hours research of what he could do - free services and some paid therapy he could do... he never made the call. So I left.
1. I am so worried about him - he moved to a place where he doesn't know anyone and I worry for his health. He has no support locally.
2. He said that he has improved (from 10 cans an evening to 4-6 cans and can leave cans in the fridge), so is showing control.
3. He has made me feel guilty for leaving him, when he is showing control. He said he is getting better and can do this on his own - no AA, therapy, rehab. Apparently he had an epiphany 3 weeks ago.
4. How long would you even give someone in recovery/do they need to be sober, to be in recovery or can they be in recovery if they are slowly cutting back?
I obviously believe he is just trying to manipulate the situation and guilt trip me.
Can you just tell me I have done the right thing? Can he even see that he has hurt me in the process, he seems to think that I should stick around and put up with the lies etc. all because he is trying to improve.
I am looking for some advice/opinions.
I dated him for 10 months, he is 43, with 2 kids. we both had this connection (not felt this for over 10 years with someone, both him and I). 4 months into the relationship I notice he is drinking a lot in the evenings, well as soon as he finished work, and on weekends would start drinking at 10am for both Saturday & Sunday, I also notice he is drinking in the car on the way home from work, so I would say in the week he was drinking up to 10 cans of 440ml beer an evening and weekends more.
I observe his drinking patterns and do bring this up with him, that I am concerned. At 6 months he decides he needs a change and moves closer to me, out of his usual environment (to the pub every evening, house share with two other single males, who also drink a lot). So now he lives 10 min drive from me, in a 2 bedroom house, on his own. Anyway, months 6-10 we have so many conversations about his drinking, I think he has gone back and forth with 'contemplation' & preparation' stage of going sober but not quite got to 'action'. In those months, there have been lies, hiding his drinking, promises to change, many of those promises broken, money issues and manipulation.
I understand that this is all normal and part of the addicts process, I should also mention my mum is an active alcoholic, and has been since i can remember.
Anyway, fast forward to 10 months we have split, we split because I realise that no amount of support or help I offer he has got to want to do this himself and me being there will only enable him in a way. I also know that I cant deal with the lies, and constant broken promises and dashing of hope every few days. Last straw was him saying he was going to rehab, he talked to friends and boss, so I really thought he had done the research and booked himself in, come to the date he was meant to be going, it turns out he didn't even know how much it cost etc. It was way to expensive for him to go. So I did about 3 hours research of what he could do - free services and some paid therapy he could do... he never made the call. So I left.
1. I am so worried about him - he moved to a place where he doesn't know anyone and I worry for his health. He has no support locally.
2. He said that he has improved (from 10 cans an evening to 4-6 cans and can leave cans in the fridge), so is showing control.
3. He has made me feel guilty for leaving him, when he is showing control. He said he is getting better and can do this on his own - no AA, therapy, rehab. Apparently he had an epiphany 3 weeks ago.
4. How long would you even give someone in recovery/do they need to be sober, to be in recovery or can they be in recovery if they are slowly cutting back?
I obviously believe he is just trying to manipulate the situation and guilt trip me.
Can you just tell me I have done the right thing? Can he even see that he has hurt me in the process, he seems to think that I should stick around and put up with the lies etc. all because he is trying to improve.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Yes, you've done the right thing.
He's had the opportunity to do this for the last 10 months. He could have checked the cost of the rehab the day he found it. YOU made the effort to find something affordable and he rejected it. I'm guessing - just guessing here, that avoiding a rehab allows him to think he doesn't *really* have a problem, and he can learn/habituate himself into drinking like a normal person. That of course means not quitting.
He's had the opportunity to do this for the last 10 months. He could have checked the cost of the rehab the day he found it. YOU made the effort to find something affordable and he rejected it. I'm guessing - just guessing here, that avoiding a rehab allows him to think he doesn't *really* have a problem, and he can learn/habituate himself into drinking like a normal person. That of course means not quitting.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's pretty reasonable to worry about him. He's nowhere near, "recovery," though.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. We don't learn to drink moderately. That's not a thing. I hope you'll stick around these forums and read all the stories, both on this side and on the alcoholics' side of the stories in "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism."
You've done the right thing - leave him to it.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. We don't learn to drink moderately. That's not a thing. I hope you'll stick around these forums and read all the stories, both on this side and on the alcoholics' side of the stories in "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism."
You've done the right thing - leave him to it.
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Join Date: Jan 2022
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Do you think from what I have said he is absolutely an alcoholic? I deep down know the answer, but he has made me second guess myself from how I am feeling.
How did you know you were nearing 'recovery'?
Will he know he isn't alone? He doesn't have many friends and the ones he does have aren't nearby.
It seems as if he has forgotten all the times he has hurt me, will there ever be that realisation, that despite him 'working' on himself, the lying and manipulations still happened?
Thank you for your reply.
How did you know you were nearing 'recovery'?
Will he know he isn't alone? He doesn't have many friends and the ones he does have aren't nearby.
It seems as if he has forgotten all the times he has hurt me, will there ever be that realisation, that despite him 'working' on himself, the lying and manipulations still happened?
Thank you for your reply.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Leave with no guilt and do not look back.
I had a relationship with an alcoholic and it was akin to being held hostage.
He took over my life.
You deserve better.
I researched rehabs.
I explained to his boss why he was not at work and please could he have time off.
I agreed to help supervise visits with his daughter.
I drove them both around.
I spent hours reassuring him.
I stuck up for him to family.
I apologised for his behaviour.
In return..................
He drank neat vodka in the car on his way home from work.
He locked me out of my own flat on boxing day because I asked him to leave and he didn't want to.
He forgot my birthday twice.
He lied about drinking from the start of our relationship.
He manipulated me.
He took money from me and never paid it back.
He laughed at me and dictated what I wore, how I spoke.
He took advantage of me - my house was great for a hot shower, cold diet coke with ice, a comfy bed and the TV after he was at deaths door after a 3 day bender.
How it ended?
He drove black out drunk to my house and attacked me with 2 bats. A neighbour called the police.
It went to court as it was out of my hands.
The police took him and we never spoke again.
It was the biggest relief of my life.
This man is not in recovery and is nowhere near.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I think drinking in the car when driving (or even as a passenger) is a MASSIVE red flag. A sign of real danger.
If he manages sobriety then maybe reevaluate your feelings.
However you need him to manage a good period of time - like a year at least so you know he is telling the truth.
You have to let him fall.
You cannot catch him.
Move out of the way and let him hit rock bottom then he can realise he is the only one with the power to stop him from drinking.
I wish you the best x
I had a relationship with an alcoholic and it was akin to being held hostage.
He took over my life.
You deserve better.
I researched rehabs.
I explained to his boss why he was not at work and please could he have time off.
I agreed to help supervise visits with his daughter.
I drove them both around.
I spent hours reassuring him.
I stuck up for him to family.
I apologised for his behaviour.
In return..................
He drank neat vodka in the car on his way home from work.
He locked me out of my own flat on boxing day because I asked him to leave and he didn't want to.
He forgot my birthday twice.
He lied about drinking from the start of our relationship.
He manipulated me.
He took money from me and never paid it back.
He laughed at me and dictated what I wore, how I spoke.
He took advantage of me - my house was great for a hot shower, cold diet coke with ice, a comfy bed and the TV after he was at deaths door after a 3 day bender.
How it ended?
He drove black out drunk to my house and attacked me with 2 bats. A neighbour called the police.
It went to court as it was out of my hands.
The police took him and we never spoke again.
It was the biggest relief of my life.
This man is not in recovery and is nowhere near.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I think drinking in the car when driving (or even as a passenger) is a MASSIVE red flag. A sign of real danger.
If he manages sobriety then maybe reevaluate your feelings.
However you need him to manage a good period of time - like a year at least so you know he is telling the truth.
You have to let him fall.
You cannot catch him.
Move out of the way and let him hit rock bottom then he can realise he is the only one with the power to stop him from drinking.
I wish you the best x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Ali, there is no way for you to know if he is getting close. Recovery looks like, sounds like, and feels like recovery. You would know. I drank for decades. I had all kinds of consequences to my drinking but that didn't stop me. It's straight out of the alcoholic's playbook to blame others and try to deflect any criticisms. There are usually a lot of coexisting delusional mental health problems that are part of alcoholism. That's what happens when someone applies a toxic poison to the brain.
Please don't second-guess your decision. It was the right one. He can get his butt to an AA meeting (free) and get all the support he can possibly want.
If he contacts you I would tell him to call you after he's been sober for a year. That will give you both the time to figure out what you each need.
You cannot fix this. You'll make yourself crazy worrying about what he's doing. Let go or be dragged.
Please don't second-guess your decision. It was the right one. He can get his butt to an AA meeting (free) and get all the support he can possibly want.
If he contacts you I would tell him to call you after he's been sober for a year. That will give you both the time to figure out what you each need.
You cannot fix this. You'll make yourself crazy worrying about what he's doing. Let go or be dragged.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 40
Wow Sasha4!
This is insane and I am sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing this.
I need to hear all these things, to hear everything, over and over an over.
The more I hear it, the more I understand the gravity and reality of this scenario.
Thank you
This is insane and I am sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing this.
I need to hear all these things, to hear everything, over and over an over.
The more I hear it, the more I understand the gravity and reality of this scenario.
Thank you
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Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Ali, there is no way for you to know if he is getting close. Recovery looks like, sounds like, and feels like recovery. You would know. I drank for decades. I had all kinds of consequences to my drinking but that didn't stop me. It's straight out of the alcoholic's playbook to blame others and try to deflect any criticisms. There are usually a lot of coexisting delusional mental health problems that are part of alcoholism. That's what happens when someone applies a toxic poison to the brain.
Please don't second-guess your decision. It was the right one. He can get his butt to an AA meeting (free) and get all the support he can possibly want.
If he contacts you I would tell him to call you after he's been sober for a year. That will give you both the time to figure out what you each need.
You cannot fix this. You'll make yourself crazy worrying about what he's doing. Let go or be dragged.
Please don't second-guess your decision. It was the right one. He can get his butt to an AA meeting (free) and get all the support he can possibly want.
If he contacts you I would tell him to call you after he's been sober for a year. That will give you both the time to figure out what you each need.
You cannot fix this. You'll make yourself crazy worrying about what he's doing. Let go or be dragged.
He went to 1 AA meeting then never went back, maybe he will go back.
Thank you for the advice on the recovery part and if he contacts me. I am working on 'letting go' everyday.
I appreciate your advice and words.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Hi Ali, welcome to SR.
I wouldnt worry so much about labels, him being called an alcoholic or a problem drinker etc is of no consequence. What really matters is his behaviour. If you want proof of what that can do and is likely to do in the future, just list his progression and see it for what it is. Multiply that a few times and you'll get a glimpse of his future. Bear in mind that his addiction is progressive and will only ever get worse.
Attempts at moderating are last ditch attempts to convince himself and others that he is in control. Moderation in an addictive mind is counter intuitive, eventually it simply doesnt work. In fact, in many ways its worse as it adds to his denial. If he believes he has the drinking part under control, there will be little or no incentive to change the behaviour associated with it. ''I told you I would cut down and I did...what more do you want?''
I know at the end of my drinking, all I had left was my ego. I didnt even bother with excuses or lies because even I could see how ridiculous they were. When ego is all you have left, it's a binary choice of I'm right and youre wrong. You'll often hear things like...you dont know what youre talking about, I know whats better for myself, I have this under control, my logic trumps your empathy etc. Every single one of those lies, excuses and avoidances are geared towards one thing only.... I want to continue drinking.
That will continue as long as you feed into it. What you need to do is look after yourself. I'm happy for you that you seem to have a grasp on this concept. I understand you want to see him improve his thinking and subsequent actions. Addiction is a disease of the self, it's impossible to do this for him. Follow the advice of others here, the alternative isnt pretty.
I wouldnt worry so much about labels, him being called an alcoholic or a problem drinker etc is of no consequence. What really matters is his behaviour. If you want proof of what that can do and is likely to do in the future, just list his progression and see it for what it is. Multiply that a few times and you'll get a glimpse of his future. Bear in mind that his addiction is progressive and will only ever get worse.
Attempts at moderating are last ditch attempts to convince himself and others that he is in control. Moderation in an addictive mind is counter intuitive, eventually it simply doesnt work. In fact, in many ways its worse as it adds to his denial. If he believes he has the drinking part under control, there will be little or no incentive to change the behaviour associated with it. ''I told you I would cut down and I did...what more do you want?''
I know at the end of my drinking, all I had left was my ego. I didnt even bother with excuses or lies because even I could see how ridiculous they were. When ego is all you have left, it's a binary choice of I'm right and youre wrong. You'll often hear things like...you dont know what youre talking about, I know whats better for myself, I have this under control, my logic trumps your empathy etc. Every single one of those lies, excuses and avoidances are geared towards one thing only.... I want to continue drinking.
That will continue as long as you feed into it. What you need to do is look after yourself. I'm happy for you that you seem to have a grasp on this concept. I understand you want to see him improve his thinking and subsequent actions. Addiction is a disease of the self, it's impossible to do this for him. Follow the advice of others here, the alternative isnt pretty.
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is he really an alcoholic?
Well, I have a drink (one normal glass of wine or a beer) almost every day. I don't drink if I'm already depressed. I don't drink at all if I'm sick. If a doctor said to me, "You must never drink again" I might look longingly at someone else's icy Margarita or cold beer on a hot day...and move on.
As for recognizing the hurt he's caused, that's very individual, and even jerks who aren't addicts sometimes never admit or apologize. Recently, an old bf of mine died, and with it, my hopes that he'd make amends for his actions died, too. And it's been 40 years - probably almost that long since he alienated his buddies, too. I found out maybe six months ago, I wasn't alone in being hurt by him.
Well, I have a drink (one normal glass of wine or a beer) almost every day. I don't drink if I'm already depressed. I don't drink at all if I'm sick. If a doctor said to me, "You must never drink again" I might look longingly at someone else's icy Margarita or cold beer on a hot day...and move on.
As for recognizing the hurt he's caused, that's very individual, and even jerks who aren't addicts sometimes never admit or apologize. Recently, an old bf of mine died, and with it, my hopes that he'd make amends for his actions died, too. And it's been 40 years - probably almost that long since he alienated his buddies, too. I found out maybe six months ago, I wasn't alone in being hurt by him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Hi Ali, glad you found the forum and decided to post.
Your ex BF's excuses and "plans" are nothing new, he sounds pretty typical (unfortunately).
There is sobriety (putting the drink down) and there is recovery, two separate things. He is neither sober nor in recovery. Stopping drinking is first, of course, but recovery means healing from that addiction, doing the work, whatever that is and whatever it takes to get away from drinking and back to living life on life's terms.
Recovery is not a "cure" once you are an alcoholic, there is no going back, that addiction will always be there, the recovering alcoholic can never drink, not even one or they hop right back on that slippery slope (by and large).
His intentions might be really good, but the actions just aren't there. We can all have good intentions, doing the work to back up those intentions is the tough part. He doesn't sound like he is there.
You did the right thing in ending this now, all you had to look forward to is perhaps years and years of the same.
1. I am so worried about him - he moved to a place where he doesn't know anyone and I worry for his health. He has no support locally.
He is a grown man, he was coping before you met him and he will carry on as he has now you have left. He moved there, he can move again if he chooses.
2. He said that he has improved (from 10 cans an evening to 4-6 cans and can leave cans in the fridge), so is showing control.
To that I would say, so? He has gone from drinking a huge amount of alcohol a day to a pretty huge amount of alcohol a day.
3. He has made me feel guilty for leaving him, when he is showing control. He said he is getting better and can do this on his own - no AA, therapy, rehab. Apparently he had an epiphany 3 weeks ago.
That's false guilt, guilt is for when you have done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. You are looking out for yourself and that is the correct thing to do here and wise.
4. How long would you even give someone in recovery/do they need to be sober, to be in recovery or can they be in recovery if they are slowly cutting back?
As I mentioned above, he is neither sober nor in any kind of recovery (and that's ok, that's his choice). If he actually got sober and sought the help of AA, therapy, whatever support he chooses, you can say maybe a year of actual sobriety (no drinking or other drugs at all) and working on recovery before you can start to see if he is making real progress in himself. Only he can decide, really, whether he is in recovery but you can see it if it's there.
As you have experienced, addiction is a very selfish thing, it has to be when your focus is always or most always on the substance. He would like you to put up with all of it, I'm glad you have chosen not to.
Your ex BF's excuses and "plans" are nothing new, he sounds pretty typical (unfortunately).
There is sobriety (putting the drink down) and there is recovery, two separate things. He is neither sober nor in recovery. Stopping drinking is first, of course, but recovery means healing from that addiction, doing the work, whatever that is and whatever it takes to get away from drinking and back to living life on life's terms.
Recovery is not a "cure" once you are an alcoholic, there is no going back, that addiction will always be there, the recovering alcoholic can never drink, not even one or they hop right back on that slippery slope (by and large).
His intentions might be really good, but the actions just aren't there. We can all have good intentions, doing the work to back up those intentions is the tough part. He doesn't sound like he is there.
You did the right thing in ending this now, all you had to look forward to is perhaps years and years of the same.
1. I am so worried about him - he moved to a place where he doesn't know anyone and I worry for his health. He has no support locally.
He is a grown man, he was coping before you met him and he will carry on as he has now you have left. He moved there, he can move again if he chooses.
2. He said that he has improved (from 10 cans an evening to 4-6 cans and can leave cans in the fridge), so is showing control.
To that I would say, so? He has gone from drinking a huge amount of alcohol a day to a pretty huge amount of alcohol a day.
3. He has made me feel guilty for leaving him, when he is showing control. He said he is getting better and can do this on his own - no AA, therapy, rehab. Apparently he had an epiphany 3 weeks ago.
That's false guilt, guilt is for when you have done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. You are looking out for yourself and that is the correct thing to do here and wise.
4. How long would you even give someone in recovery/do they need to be sober, to be in recovery or can they be in recovery if they are slowly cutting back?
As I mentioned above, he is neither sober nor in any kind of recovery (and that's ok, that's his choice). If he actually got sober and sought the help of AA, therapy, whatever support he chooses, you can say maybe a year of actual sobriety (no drinking or other drugs at all) and working on recovery before you can start to see if he is making real progress in himself. Only he can decide, really, whether he is in recovery but you can see it if it's there.
Can he even see that he has hurt me in the process, he seems to think that I should stick around and put up with the lies etc. all because he is trying to improve.
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You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. He isn't a 7 year old child, he's a grown man of 43. He isn't helpless. If he can recover without AA, therapy, rehab, etc., he can recover without you. If it were me, I'd cut off all contact with him. If he's trying to make you feel guilty, he's just being manipulative and you certainly don't need any more of that.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You only have 10 months invested in this relationship. In the big scheme of life, that's not even a child's school year. Dump him and don't look back. He needs to grow up and part of that is dealing with the consequences of his actions. You don't have to put up with playing second place to someone else's alcoholism.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 23
Ali88, I am in a similar boat as you- I just went no-contact with my AH 3 days ago. I truly wish I had done this several months ago, instead I succumbed to the guilt and helped pick him up from his “rock bottom”. That was an enormous mistake. He’s now on a downward spiral yet again (tho even worse this time b/c he recently started using coke) and I can only hope that he again hits rock bottom and will pick himself up this time.
Of course we want to be there for our loved ones, but this is not a typical situation at all.
It is taking a ton of strength to not unblock him, I want to know he’s ok, hear his voice, see his face. But I know what is on the other end - manipulation, tears, heartache, anxiety, anger, disappointment, frustration- the list goes on and on, and it’s all negative. Every time I start to feel that pang of guilt and doubt, I come back to this site to read responses from my threads and other posts, and staying no-contact makes sense again.
I’ve found that the best thing to do is to listen to my brain, not my heart. It’s not easy, but it’s for the best.
Of course we want to be there for our loved ones, but this is not a typical situation at all.
It is taking a ton of strength to not unblock him, I want to know he’s ok, hear his voice, see his face. But I know what is on the other end - manipulation, tears, heartache, anxiety, anger, disappointment, frustration- the list goes on and on, and it’s all negative. Every time I start to feel that pang of guilt and doubt, I come back to this site to read responses from my threads and other posts, and staying no-contact makes sense again.
I’ve found that the best thing to do is to listen to my brain, not my heart. It’s not easy, but it’s for the best.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Dear Ali,
When I was in this situation, I remember the moment I realized that once I left the relationship, my alcoholic boyfriend would have no one to blame but himself...once he was left all alone, he did decide to stop drinking and get serious about recovery...It would never have happened had I stayed. I was also losing my mind in the process with all of the lies and manipulation. You did the right thing for yourself and for him. He has to get to the point all by himself where he wants to stop and get healthy. As everyone else has said, it's best to leave him to it. The pain you are feeling with get better one day at a time. Take care of you.
When I was in this situation, I remember the moment I realized that once I left the relationship, my alcoholic boyfriend would have no one to blame but himself...once he was left all alone, he did decide to stop drinking and get serious about recovery...It would never have happened had I stayed. I was also losing my mind in the process with all of the lies and manipulation. You did the right thing for yourself and for him. He has to get to the point all by himself where he wants to stop and get healthy. As everyone else has said, it's best to leave him to it. The pain you are feeling with get better one day at a time. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
Dear Ali,
When I was in this situation, I remember the moment I realized that once I left the relationship, my alcoholic boyfriend would have no one to blame but himself...once he was left all alone, he did decide to stop drinking and get serious about recovery...It would never have happened had I stayed. I was also losing my mind in the process with all of the lies and manipulation. You did the right thing for yourself and for him. He has to get to the point all by himself where he wants to stop and get healthy. As everyone else has said, it's best to leave him to it. The pain you are feeling with get better one day at a time. Take care of you.
When I was in this situation, I remember the moment I realized that once I left the relationship, my alcoholic boyfriend would have no one to blame but himself...once he was left all alone, he did decide to stop drinking and get serious about recovery...It would never have happened had I stayed. I was also losing my mind in the process with all of the lies and manipulation. You did the right thing for yourself and for him. He has to get to the point all by himself where he wants to stop and get healthy. As everyone else has said, it's best to leave him to it. The pain you are feeling with get better one day at a time. Take care of you.
thank you so much and you answer is so simple.
Did you ever get back with him once after some time in recovery?
did you go ‘no contact’ when you split up?
thanks
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Hi Ali,
We did get back together after about 1 year. I had no expectations during the time we were apart, and I gave him no hope that if he were to become sober, I would be there for him. He had to do it for himself, and I had to recover as well from my own co-dependency. I enjoyed just being...coming home to a calm home. (Hence the name...seekingcalm) No one should have the power over my happiness and peace of mind that I had given to him. Ultimately, I went to his 1 year AA celebration, and we began to see one another again...slowly. We did not move in together until 2 more years after that, and have now been living together for almost 9 years. I know that we have been lucky, but we both work at it. His recovery and my own from the effects of loving an active alcoholic are very important to each of us.
We did get back together after about 1 year. I had no expectations during the time we were apart, and I gave him no hope that if he were to become sober, I would be there for him. He had to do it for himself, and I had to recover as well from my own co-dependency. I enjoyed just being...coming home to a calm home. (Hence the name...seekingcalm) No one should have the power over my happiness and peace of mind that I had given to him. Ultimately, I went to his 1 year AA celebration, and we began to see one another again...slowly. We did not move in together until 2 more years after that, and have now been living together for almost 9 years. I know that we have been lucky, but we both work at it. His recovery and my own from the effects of loving an active alcoholic are very important to each of us.
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