Janigans12

Fiance randomly drove off drunk for no reason and didnt let us know where he was going or why. My kids 9 (not his) but calls him dada and 2 his, went to run a errrand. We were gone 20 mins. Came back he was gone. Texted to see if he wanted me to keep his daughter up til he got back. I assumed he ran out to grab something kids were asking were dada was. He never responded . We thought he got in an accident. 3 hours later he responded he would be back tomorrow to get some things. Ignored texts. Didnt ask about kids. Next day when he was sober he said ill be there in an hour to get clothes. This being second time i ended relationship. He has asked nothing about step son very little about daughter few days later when i asked what we did to get treated this way he said he was unhappy for a long time. I found out he was hiding alcohol. We had agreed to 2 a night only after the last episode. He also admitted to knowing he made a mess ext. Some people say i should be gentle in communication before he snaps worse. Thoughts? Is this a pattern of alcoholism or something more and alcoholism doesnt help?
oh amd we got engaged 7 weeks ago and i asked why he wanted to get married if he was unhappy for so long and he said to make me happy
No i am not getting back with him! Right now i have not let my daughter ( 2 year old) out of my sight. my ex asked to have her overnight and refused. I told him he has to come here to visit her. he canceled 4 times already. My lawyer and his spoke and advised him he cant do any over nights until drug alchol rehab. But he told a someone he is just going to lie there. if he does he will pass, what do i do then? can addicts/alcholics lie at these evaluations? he has 3-4 dwi in past and one resulting in jail. any ideas on anything else i could be doing?

LovelyKaya33333

I am so sorry you are going through this. My exAH did almost the exact same thing. I know how you feel. It is so confusing. One minute they are happy the next minute "They have been unhappy for a long time"... I was looking at new houses with mine 24 hours before he left because "He had his final straw"... I had the same reaction as you.... I actually said "WTF final straw to what"? I don't know how far into the disease your fiance is but it is progressive... I truly believe it poisons the soul. Now when I do have to talk to my exAH I don't believe a word he says (positive or negative)... I don't know much about the laws in your area but I do know it is a good thing you were not married. I would order an emergency hearing for temporary full custody until he gets treatment. Alcohol really ruins everything it touches. Sending you love

Bekindalways

Janigan, I just posted on your other post in the Newcomers thread suggesting you come here. Oops . . . . you already found us.

I hope someone comes along to answer some of your legal questions about custody.

trailmix

Hi Janigans, sorry for what brings you here, I'm sure it's all a huge shock for you and very hurtful.

Another approach you can discuss with your lawyer, regarding custody, is to have your AH use a breathalyzer like Soberlink before and during his visits with your child. If he doesn't have a sober reading, no visitation.

It's sounds like he is well down the path of alcoholism and the fact that he has now backed out on 4 visits already shows that perhaps his desire for visitation isn't all that great.

If you read around the forum you will find many stories that you can probably relate to, including Kaya's as she mentioned. Gentle in communication? I say communicate any way you like. Keeping in mind that you might have a fight on your hands over visitation, so you may want to keep communication on as even a keel as possible.

Can he lie at the evaluation? He can sure try. His history of DUIs might cast doubt on his claims though. That would also be a good topic to discuss with your lawyer.

Bute

Hi Jan
As far as I am aware, rehab would not just accept his word that he is not drinking - he's an addict. I know when my son was referred,(drug use) he was put on a drug treatment order, he was tested (pee) regularly by the addiction worker.
In my neck of the woods ( Scotland uk) The Family Law (Scotland) Act, 2006, states that unmarried fathers, who are named on the birth certificate, have parental rights and responsibilities. Unmarried fathers who are not named on the birth certificate, do not automatically get those rights and responsibilities - they would need to go to court, to obtain them.
I would seek someone in your area, to get advice from, regarding the law specific to where you live.
I would also consider documenting each interaction you have with your ex.
Much Love
Bute x

sage1969

Perhaps make a list of everything yo ask your attorney?

Sometimes it can be worded as "successful completion of" a treatment program, which would mean the treatment center defines if he's clean / sober. That doesn't really mean anything once he's out because he has to work an active recovery and I'm not certain how that could be defined in legal terms. You could insist on supervised visitation, which could be appropriate as she's very young and he has driven drunk and also not shown up when he should. It sounds as though the hassle of visitation he avoids, but make your document thorough and work for what you need.

Long - term it will be damaging for her to have an alcoholic parent. You can do some reading here and elsewhere by people who are adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). There are emotional developmental issues revolving around security, self - esteem and self - love, communication, codependency; growing up this way really messes people up. Another thing you may consider is for how long he was drinking. If he was drinking before and / or at conception, you may want to look into getting screening for your daughter for fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). More recent research shows that alcohol abuse affects men to contribute also to FAS; FAS can affect development and contribute to learning disabilities, so it's good to screen and know if she will need extra supports.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It's good you are able to get out now and save yourself and your children from any more heartache.

Cookie314

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janigans12

Is this a pattern of alcoholism or something more and alcoholism doesnt help?

I think it sounds like alcoholism. Even if it weren't, the sort of manipulative bs of leaving without warning or contact, then saying he'll be back for some stuff, backing out of visitation with your kids, etc is the sort of sh*t I wouldn't tolerate in someone who could supervise my kid (well, if I had one. You know what I mean). That sort of waffling pattern between broken promises, hiding drinking or other activities, saying he loves you one day then that he's miserable the next, and sudden withdrawals of contact are all pretty normal in addicts.

People can lie in rehab ofc. Most addicts lie continuously, to their loved ones, their doctors, and themselves most of all. I understand trying to use legal means to force someone into medical care against their will, if it's determined they are a danger to themselves and/or others, and are medically unfit to make that decision themselves. The issue is you are his fiance, not his wife. Legally you likely won't have much standing to force him into a rehab program against his will.

I think your efforts would be far better spent on taking care of your own needs (physical, financial, mental, etc) and your children's needs first. Sadly, I'm also not sure what you could do for his kids in this case. Your lawyer would have far better knowledge on if you have grounds to fight for custody of them. Idk though. Likely since you aren't married, if he doesn't want to care for them, my guess would be another relative of his would have a stronger claim. Like I said though, I have almost no knowledge of custody laws since I don't have kids. That's definitely something to discuss with a professional. Tbh, if it were me, I wouldn't want him to have any visitation at all. That sort of choice is up to you though. You'll have to find the answer best for you and your kids.

This part actually worries me the most of your post. Who is telling you this, and what exactly do they mean? If they're implying that the way you communicate could make him "snap" in the way of driving him to drink more, that's bullsh*t. The thing an addict wants to do is use, and any excuse will do. As you read through this forum, or if you visit Al Anon at some point, you'll hear the 3 c's frequently: you didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You two are -were- partners who are caring for children together. Open, sometimes difficult communication is an integral part of any relationship. You having a frank discussion about things that concern or worry you is healthy and important. Sure, you don't want to be cruel or intentionally antagonistic, but you communicating and holding healthy boundaries is not going to make him "snap". Do not let anyone think you're responsible for an alcoholic's decision to drink.

The other interpretation I have of them saying he'll "snap" is that it will drive him to violence against you or the kids. If that's the case, I find that really alarming. First off, it skirts the line of victim blaming ("what she said drove me to it!" sort of bs). Second, if they really are concerned about violence, it's not necessarily unreasonable. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and control, and the changes in brain chemistry brought on by addiction only increases the risks of physical abuse. If you are planning to go through all breaking off this relationship, and especially if you plan to fight for custody in any way, I would seriously discuss with your lawyer options for safety. They can help guide you through the court systems needed for restraining orders, and you can discuss the situation with your employer and kid's schools to ensure they are aware he can't be trusted. I hope this isn't the case, but there are a lot of people on here who have been involved with a violent and/or abusive addict. Having a safety system in place ahead of time seems like a wise plan no matter what the situation.


I hope we see you posting on here more. It's good to hear updates about each other, and there's a lot of people on here who really care. I wish you the best of luck through all this insanity.

Janigans12

He finally showed up today, he of course had to pickup his ATV and other toys he forget. Well he forget the key to one of them. He visited with her for a bit, i stayed upstairs but at hears length away. he shouted up "im leaving now" i came down and him and my daughter were at the front door. i did not say a word to him, i asked my daughter if she was ready to go out to dinner, she said yes. he picked her up to say goodbye and she smacked him in the face said no and poked his eye. he said oh what the **** and left..... i am assuming i wont hear from him til maybe sunday since its the weekend he he will want to party. working on temporary order to send to his lawyer but hes not communicating with his lawyer....so nothing has changed. i have to tell my 9 year sunday dada not coming back, his therapist helped me with how to word it but my new issue is with him missing visits, if i tell my son dada is still going to come visit and he doesnt show up, my son will be devastated.

sage1969

I have very distinct memories at 3 years of age, waiting by the front door with my overnight bag and my father never showing up. I got used to it; I didn't realise how traumatic that had been to childhood - me til my XABF started doing the no call no shows, and it all came back to me.

It's hard to know what to say to a 9 year old. I think it depends on their level of maturity and understanding. I think with my youngest who is about that age, I would most likely be honest, about the possibility that he may or may not show up. But this is a good question also for the therapist.

trailmix

So far he asked for visitation 4 times and never showed, then he just shows up today to get his stuff really (and then swears in front of your little girl!).

If you tell your Son that he is still going to come to visit, that may not be true at all and then you look like you lied and he still has to feel bad because Dad never shows up to visit. Then who does he trust?

Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask the therapist how to handle the fact that he may never show up for visitation, before broaching the subject with your Son?

Janigans12

yes very sad. today texts where only about if i changed the internet to my name and asking where is hoodies are? really?

trailmix

Sounds like the kind of person that is guaranteed to let you (and your children) down.

How are you doing?

PeacefulWater12

Urgh, flashbacks to my "dad" doing similar. Being a little kid waiting for a "father" who was always late or a no show. Always drunk when he did turn up. Thinking there must be something wrong with me why he was like it.

I don't think you want this trauma for your kids.

Janigans12

Im doing okay, sad with the kids, he came to visit yesterday and spent the visit loading more of his stuff in front of them. My 9 year old said dada why are you taking the go-kart and very rudely responded to him, becuase its mine and im taking to MY cottage. he was supposed to visit 3 hours and feed them dinner. he visited hour and then spent 25 mins loading stuff and then walked out without even telling me he left. ( i was upstairs to give him time to visit)

Janigans12

no i dont want any of us to have this trauma. just hope the court sees that too and doesnt allow overnights or unsupervised visits

trailmix

Really sounds like the less time he spends with them the better. I hope the court also grants you full custody and only supervised visitation. Has he even asked you about visitation in general, in terms of getting a legal filing?

If no, perhaps now is the time to act while he is doing whatever it is he is doing. Have the legal document for your Daughter drawn up with all the provisions you would like to have in place and ask him to sign it. He might not object. Perhaps you can speak with your lawyer today and see what his take on that is.

sage1969

It might be really helpful to keep a journal and document each visit, for when / how long it was set, and how long he was actually there and interacting. It might be helpful to have this journal when it is time to sign legal paperwork, so that you can demonstrate his lack of interest in quality visitation (until of course it suddenly suits him to become daddy of the year, which will be glaringly obvious if you have a detailed journal).

Janigans12

My lawyer has contacted his. His lawyer said he wasnt sure what his client wanted for a visitation schedule and that he would ask him to do the drug/alcohol testing and rehab. we have tried at great lengths to get his lawyer to follow up after that, no response. When i texted my ex that his only focus should be consistency with his daughter and that is lawyer is not responding, he said. he would reach out to him and see why he hasnt responded. and i should hear by monday. ( he wanted to settle out of court.) i have a temp order drawn up but giving him til tuesday then im filing with court. i believe his lawyer has not responded because he does not have the money to retain him. (it was his business lawyer who we talked to) i also dont think he knows what he wants so he cant make a schedule and he does NOT want to do the testing. My ex husband (father of my son) are now communicating and we have ended all visits with my ex and my son.

Janigans12

i save all his texts message, i do have a journal and my house is filled with audio and video cameras, that are time stamped and i saved them all as proof of time he arrives and actions he does.

Janigans12

me too but i heard proving alcholism is hard and they can lie during testing.